biblical cat fights

Genesis, Chapter 16

For Sarai, Abram’s wife, what God gave her in Egyptian-luring super-hotness, he made up for with a lack of functioning ovaries, for she was super-barren. She did own a marginally-hot Egyptian slave girl named Hagar, though, and this gave Sarai an idea.

Sarai: “Abram, clearly I am no quick study in the baby making department. Bang my hot slave girl instead!”

Abram: “This …. this is a test, right?”

Sarai: “No, really!”

Abram: “Sweet!”

So Abram took Sarai’s slave as his love slave, and Hagar conceived.

Hagar to Sarai:

Sarai: “DIS BITCH.”

Abram: “Wow, this really backfired.”

Sarai: “I did NOT give you permission to explore my slave-girl’s Promised Land just so that she could be ALL UP IN MY GRILL.”

Abram: “Look, babe, Hagar’s your slave. Do what you want! Punish her, if you hate her so much. Spank her, even. Use a paddle. I would watch … to support you and stuff because I love you. Yeah." 

So Sarai went to town on poor Hagar’s ass, and Hagar ran away.

An angel of the Lord found Hagar by a spring in the wilderness.

Angel: "Hagar, where you been, girl? Where are you going?”

Hagar: “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai. She is super-hot but super-barren and also kind of a super-bitch right now.”

Angel: “I’m sorry, and dying in the desert is the better way to go? Go home, woman. I will see to it that you will be blessed with prodigious amounts of offspring.”

Hagar: “This is 6000 BC, you could say this to just about anyone and expect it to be true.”

So the Angel got more specific: “Look, you’re pregnant, and you’re going to have a son named Ishmael. He’s going to have a tumultuous life but he’s going to be kind of a bad-ass because of it.”

So Hagar returned to Abram and bore him a son, named Ishmael - making Abram a first-time father at the ripe old age of 86.