Genesis, Chapter 16
For Sarai, Abram’s wife, what God gave her in Egyptian-luring super-hotness, he made up for with a lack of functioning ovaries, for she was super-barren. She did own a marginally-hot Egyptian slave girl named Hagar, though, and this gave Sarai an idea.
Sarai: “Abram, clearly I am no quick study in the baby making department. Bang my hot slave girl instead!”
Abram: “This …. this is a test, right?”
Sarai: “No, really!”
So Abram took Sarai’s slave as his love slave, and Hagar conceived.
Hagar to Sarai:
Sarai: “DIS BITCH.”
Abram: “Wow, this really backfired.”
Sarai: “I did NOT give you permission to explore my slave-girl’s Promised Land just so that she could be ALL UP IN MY GRILL.”
Abram: “Look, babe, Hagar’s your slave. Do what you want! Punish her, if you hate her so much. Spank her, even. Use a paddle. I would watch … to support you and stuff because I love you. Yeah."
So Sarai went to town on poor Hagar’s ass, and Hagar ran away.
An angel of the Lord found Hagar by a spring in the wilderness.
Angel: "Hagar, where you been, girl? Where are you going?”
Hagar: “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai. She is super-hot but super-barren and also kind of a super-bitch right now.”
Angel: “I’m sorry, and dying in the desert is the better way to go? Go home, woman. I will see to it that you will be blessed with prodigious amounts of offspring.”
Hagar: “This is 6000 BC, you could say this to just about anyone and expect it to be true.”
So the Angel got more specific: “Look, you’re pregnant, and you’re going to have a son named Ishmael. He’s going to have a tumultuous life but he’s going to be kind of a bad-ass because of it.”
So Hagar returned to Abram and bore him a son, named Ishmael - making Abram a first-time father at the ripe old age of 86.