bible-story

In Exodus 3, a very famous Bible story plays out. It’s when Moses goes over to a mountain to tend to his father-in-law’s flock that a bush goes up in flames before his eyes, yet the bush doesn’t burn. And through that bush, God speaks with Moses.

Now, what God said to Moses, what he was telling him to do… it wasn’t an easy thing. He wanted Moses to approach the King of Egypt, Pharaoh, and tell him that God wanted His people back (the Egyptian’s slaves). Moses could be killed for doing such a thing! And yet God still wanted him to. When Moses was talking to God, explaining how this was a bad idea, how Pharaoh most likely wasn’t going to listen to him. Not only him, but God’s people, too! How were they supposed to know that he, some random man, was going to deliver them from over 400 years of bondage?

As Moses is laying his worries before God, mainly about facing Pharaoh, God says, “I will surely be with you.” There’s more to what He said, most of it being instructions on how to approach the King of Egypt. But still, how comforting was that? God Almighty, the King of all of Creation, was going to be with him, supporting him.

How many of you have something you think God is calling you to do but are afraid to purse it because you’re afraid of the opposition you’ll face? Fear not! God is with you. Trust Him to take care of you.

The most under-appreciated film in history has to be The Prince of Egypt. I mean, I don’t care if you follow the religion, this a good fucking movie.

I mean, look at the love they put into the Egyptian culture and hieroglyphics: 

Everybody is actually a realistic color of where they live:

ThE MOTHERFUCKING ART THEY PUT INTO THIS MOVIE

The fucking music alone won a fucking oscar people:

The fucking cast like have you seen this line-up???:

Strong female characters:

And last but not least - THE. MOTHER. FUCKING. BEAUTIFUL. HAIR:

and best of all, even though it’s based off of a bible story, it isn’t trying to ram god down your throat. legit the whole movie is about loving yourself and others

Inanna and Her Importance In Ancient Mesopotamia

In Mesopotamian mythology, Inanna is the goddess of love, sex appeal, and battle. She is also patron of what we today call Venus, the brightest planet in the sky. She was also the patron of Uruk, one of the earliest and most enduring cities. Inanna was in many ways the most influential Mesopotamian deity. In fact, she is the reason for the seasons, the ebb and flow of the rain which kept the Mesopotamians alive year after year.

The story goes thus: Inanna, ever ambitious, wishes to visit her sister Ereshkigal in the underworld and take her place as queen of the dead. Inanna leaves behind her beloved Dumuzi, shepherd god, husband, and her “honey man.”

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Whatever you do, don’t imagine little kid JD
Don’t imagine his mother taking him to the library as he happily skipped along
Don’t imagine him frightened when his father drank too much
Don’t imagine him going to his mother for protection when his father got worse and worse and worse
Don’t imagine his mother forcing him to Sunday school when she saw his father getting bad. Don’t imagine her needing to give him something to hold on to
Don’t imagine JD loving the heroism of bible stories
Don’t imagine him enthusiastic about religion but not quite understanding-asking his mother,“Mommy, what is God?”
Don’t imagine her replying, “Love is God.”

Don’t imagine his scattered panic when he saw his mom in a building set to be demolished.
Don’t imagine him not understanding-why, why would she wave to me?

Don’t imagine JD at ten or eleven as his father shut out.
Don’t imagine him blaming himself for his father’s distance and his mother’s death
Don’t imagine JD drunk for the first time, not understanding why it felt good to be numb.


And above all, don’t picture all of this running through his head when Veronica decided things had gone to far.

The Parable of the Lost Son (Luke 15:11-32)

Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’

“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.

“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’

“But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’

“And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’”

Hey so I don’t want to be the asshole who explains things that everyone already knows? But on the off chance that anyone didn’t get Bitty’s reference, he’s talking about this Biblical story where King Solomon (who was a super wise dude because God offered him anything he wanted, expecting him to ask for money or fame or some shit. Except, surprise, he asks for wisdom instead. God is so touched that he gives him wisdom and the other stuff too as a bonus. Anyway) was holding court to give advice to all his subjects. And these two ladies show up in the castle both claiming to be the mother of a baby because apparently one of them accidentally rolled on top of their baby while they were sleeping and crushed it? Yikes. Anyway, so neither woman will back down about being the mother so Solomon decides that the solution here is to just cut the baby in half and give one half to each woman. One lady is like “yeah w/e go for it” and the other lady IMMEDIATELY backs down and says to just let the other lady have the baby. Solomon gives the baby to the second woman because her selfless love for the child proved that it was hers. So. There you go? The more you know~

Moses had a son named Aaron, who himself had two sons named Nadab and Abihu: They appear only briefly in Leviticus when Moses is showing the priests how to priest properly. Following the rules prescribed by God, Aaron slaughters some animals, cuts off the bits he’s supposed to cut off, lays the offerings down on the altar in the correct way, lights up some incense, and waits. God approves of the ritual and makes a big light show to tell Aaron that he did well, and all the priests celebrate a job well done.

Next, Nadab and Abihu do the exact same thing. Only this time, God instantly incinerates the brothers in a furious hellstorm right in front of their horrified father.

Now, there’s been a lot of debate among Bible scholars about what exactly Nadab and Abihu did wrong. Some have suggested they used the wrong incense (“Is that that pine bullshit? Nobody likes that pine bullshit!”), while others think they may have lit the fire wrong. Either way, Moses puts his arm around Aaron and basically tells him, “Yeah, your kids explode sometimes. C'est la vie!”

Aaron’s surviving children and nephews then have to bury the dead brothers, but Moses warns them to be doubly careful because if they make God any angrier by complaining, or even not combing their hair properly, he’ll probably kill everyone in Israel. Why? Well, you’ve guided all your Sims to the pool and then removed the ladder. You know why.

6 Bible Stories Where The Moral Was ‘Haha F*ck You, I’m God’

Baby Logan - Wolverine x Reader

Summary : You have to tell Logan you’re pregnant, and that of course, it’s his. You’re terrified he won’t take it well…

This is part of some sort of a serie, where the reader is afraid to announce their pregnancy. Here’s the one I made for Captain America : Baby Rogers, and the one for Batman : Baby Wayne. Also, slightly NSFW, and sorry if it’s a bit crap, I just have so much trouble writing good things lately ! : 

(My masterlist blog here : https://ella-ravenwood-archives.tumblr.com)

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It was Storm’s 40th birthday party, and you were probably the only person present, along with Logan, that wasn’t drunk. Logan because his healing factor prevented him from getting drunk too long, and you because….

-You’re not drinking (Y/N) ? 

Ororo. The queen of the party. She was drunk since 4 in the afternoon, and was the most hilarious one ever. She kept trying to make sure everyone was having a good time, and unintentionally buzzing them with a small and weak lightning coming out of her fingers. Right now, she was afraid you weren’t having fun…

-You always drink, why are you not now ? Hahaha are you pregnant ? 

You don’t answer and look away. She stares at you, and it hits her. 

-Wait you are ?! 

-Shut up I didn’t tell Logan yet..

-Oh…OOOOOOOOOOOH !!!!! 

-No really, shut up ‘Ro ! 

-OH MY GODS !! 

-ORORO ! 

She looks at you and, in her drunken state, suddenly understand what you just meant. From the corner of your eyes, you make sure Logan didn’t pay attention to what just happened, but he’s in a conversation with a very drunk Nightcrawler, and seem to have the time of his life listening to your blue friend’s Bible stories…Drunk Bible stories. He didn’t notice anything. Thanks God. Storm comes close to you and whisper : 

-Sorry. You didn’t tell him ? 

-I’ve only known for a day…or two…Ok I’ve known for two month. 

-TWO MONTHS ! 

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When a student is reading about Hurricane Katrina:
  • Boy 1: Why are the houses underwater?
  • Me: Well, there was a big storm and there was a lot of rain. It rained for so long so hard that water spilled into the city and caused a flood, which is when there is too much water.
  • Boy 1: It's real?
  • Me: Yeah, it really happened. It was about ten years ago.
  • Nosy boy: My mom told me about that flood! But it wasn't ten years ago, it was 3,000 years ago.
  • Me: Ummm...different flood.

revkryssie  asked:

Hey, I appreciated your message to Queerlychristian. As a genderqueer pastor and one with deep affinity for the Bible's comic bits. I wondered if you could break down the Hebrew puns in the Tower of Babel story for us, please? Thanks.

Hi! Thank you for your question! This is my first response/post detailing Bible stuff so I’m excited. [This ended up being a very long post, sorry, but I think it’s worth reading!!]


In my undergrad studies I haven’t had an opportunity to study much Hebrew, and while I plan to learn when I start my masters in August, I don’t know much yet. So I don’t have an in-depth language analysis for you. But I will share what I know!


For those who aren’t familiar with the story - which is in Genesis chapter 11 - a basic (very paraphrased) synopsis: Waaaaay back in the day, the “whole world” was a fairly small group of people that all spoke the same language. They said to each other, “Yo, let’s build a massive tower, so we can make a name for ourselves. It’ll be sweet. It’ll reach all the way to heaven, and then we’ll be close to God himself!” God saw them working together to do this and he said, “Well, dang, we can’t have that. If they can communicate and work together this well, they could get way too big for their britches. Let’s go mix things up.” So God goes and scatters them and gives them a bunch of different languages so they can’t communicate anymore. The end.


Now, it’s a reasonable speculation by some scholars that this isn’t a “historically accurate” account. Which, to our culture, seems like it’s inaccurate and therefore not a viable resource. But in the culture of ancient Israel, it was very common to weave together historical events with elements of storytelling, as it was the concept of the story, not the exact details, that mattered. This explains a lot of “unrealistic” concepts and discrepancies in Biblical accounts, both Old and New Testament (but that doesn’t mean we can write off every story as made up or exaggerated!) It’s quite possible that this was a story written by the Jews to account for how the world got its different languages or how the people became scattered – their own “origin story,” if you will. I’m sure at the time there were many different stories amongst the other religions, and this was the Jews telling the story from their perspective – that is, the “right” perspective, with the one true God. That’s the same concept as the Creation story – some scholars believe that it was, rather than a literal account, written by Jews to parallel the creation stories of other pagan religions, essentially saying, “yeah, you got some of the details right, but here’s what REALLY happened, because our God is the right one and he’s actually the one that did this.” It may not be our concept of “historical fact,” but to the Jewish people, this was their tradition, this was the best concept they could come up with at the time that represented the God they believed in, so it was true to them. Bear in mind, in those times, there was no separation of logic/science and religion; everything they knew and believed was based on spirituality. They didn’t have an understanding of factual accounts or historical accuracy. This was perfectly believable to them, because it was what their ancestors believed, and what they felt to be true. That concept can explain a lot of the weird stuff in the Bible. 


As far as the puns (which was the ACTUAL question here), the name of the tower of Babel, taken from Akkadian “babhel” which means “gate of God,” is pronounced very similarly to the Hebrew word “balal,” which means “confusion.” It’s a pun in that while the tower was meant to represent the first meaning - reaching towards God - it ended up taking the second meaning as well with the confusion of languages. It’s also kind of neat to point out that the word Babel sounds like “babble” in English, which is another word for garbled speech. Bible puns are fantastic. :)