beyond the barricades

I just finished reading “Cosette” The Sequel to Les Miserables” by Laura Kalpakian. For those who do not know, this book is basically a 650-page (kinda shitty) fanfic that somehow was published as a real, purchasable book sometime in the 1990′s. Here are some of my favorite moments:

  • A quote from Javert: “Republican scum like you can’t overthrow the king of France. One day more and you’ll piss blood. I’ll meet you in hell.”
  • A quote from Valjean: “She is seventeen, too young to be in love. She is a child. This Marius, he is nothing to her. She wanted a puppy once and I said no and she got over it.”
  • Enjolras scrambles to the top of the barricade and just….screams SHIT!
  • For some reason in the whole barricade part in the beginning Combeferre is the ami that gets the most attention
  • The only amis that are mentioned are: Combeferre, Enjolras, Feuilly, and Courfeyrac. The only ami that gets mentioned beyond the 1832 barricade section is Feuilly because of the whole “vivent les peuples!” thing written on the wall of the Musain. Which, btw, the author always writes as “vive les peuples!”
  • Actually the author made up some OCs in the barricade section so there could be some barricade survivors for Marius and Cosette to interact with later in the book
  • “You will hang by your cock in hell.”
  • For some reason whenever Jean Valjean is mentioned in the first portion of the book, he is described as having large, powerful hands
  • Cosette had no sex education and so on her wedding night she asked Marius to teach her. And he just gestures to her boobs and says “this is a nipple.” It is the only thing he vocally says to her and then he is kissing her boobs and they go at it. I kid you not this is the big amazing wedding sex scene and the most notable line is “this is a nipple”
  • Remember the whole absolutely no sex education thing? Well they somehow have amazing sex all night long regardless
  • Azelma is the main antagonist in the book. Also she is ALWAYS referred to as Zelma. I don’t know where the A went. It’s gone forever I guess.
  • A quote from Thenardier: “I am one of those holy men. I can walk in shit, sit in shit, sleep in shit, eat shit, drink shit, and still my turds come out in perfect golden bricks.”
  • Marius regularly goes to prison like it’s a casual thing that happens often which is an inconvenience but you know what are ya gonna do
  • Marius and Cosette raise the biggest asshole of a son there is literally nothing redeeming about him
  • Azelma ‘Zelma’ Thenardier literally fucked Louis-Napoleon and had a child with him.
  • She named the child Eponine.
  • Azelma feels like she needs to take revenge against Cosette for the whole Marius thing and she basically uses her daughter Eponine II to fulfill that, as if ensuring Eponine II is successful will make ghost Eponine happy
  • Speaking of Eponine II there is an entire subplot where Azelma manages to force the son of Cosette and Marius to marry Eponine II……because she felt that her sister Eponine should have married Marius……..so like, by marrying her daughter Eponine to a Pontmercy she’s fulfilling some kind of lost destiny shit. And also taking revenge against Cosette. Azelma is really freaky in this okay
  • Cosette disguises herself as an old beggar due to a mixture of political and economic reasons and calls herself “the plumed lark” when she is in her disguise. Weirdest superhero ever amiright
  • Marius sneaks out of prison dressed up as the plumed lark
  • THERE IS A SEX SCENE THAT TAKES PLACE WITH ONE PERSON HIDDEN UNDERNEATH A HOOP SKIRT

i am not fucking with you. “this is a nipple” is probably the most iconic part of the book

youtube

Yeah I know… it’s too good not to post twice!

Ladies, I’ve seen it, and he is hung like a fucking horse. He may be tiny in the rest—yes, I am now broadcasting across the entire world, talking about the size of Ricky’s penis. I’m just trying to get you laid dude, that’s what friends do.
—  Chris Motionless on Ricky Horror, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 3/29/15
2

Request by @haeminhee
Based on 4x01 - Mayhem
Enjoy!!

How To Save a Life

A/n: in Italian, va bene= it’s okay and tesoro= something along the lines of sweetheart. Just because I love me some Rossi, as well.

My legs began to ache as I pelted the ground, trailing behind Morgan. Hotch was in trouble, and so was Kate. My lungs were on fire and I had a kink in my side. Morgan spotted them, way beyond a barricade that had been set up. “HOTCH!” I screamed, about to jump over the barricade. Somebody, who I later found out was one of the guards, yanked me back by my waist. “What the- let me go! That’s my boss down there!” I shouted, about to punch the guy in the face. “Hey man, let her go. Now. We’re federal agents,” Morgan said, and the guard let me go. “No one can go down there, the bomber is waiting on the first wave of responders to set off another bomb,” the man in charge stated. “Please, somebody, we’re over here!” Hotch called. After some major convincing, the man in charge let us in.

“Hotch, are you okay?!” I said, falling to my knees beside him. “I’m fine, but Kate is going to bleed to death if we don’t get her to the hospital.” He looked down at her and the expression in his eyes made my stomach turn in knots. As much as I loved him, I just wanted him happy. “Hotch,” I began, as I wiped blood off of his face with my sleeve, “we WILL get her back. I swear it.” She didn’t look good, and was in and out of consciousness. “What? Garcia, are you absolutely sure?” My head snapped up at the tone of Morgan’s voice. I hadn’t even realized he was on the phone. “Hotch. The kid. He’s the bomber!” Morgan said, looking at the kid who had just asked if we needed help. Hotch gave a quick nod and Morgan was off.

“Hotch, look at me…you’re…you’re bleeding really badly,” I said, examining his face. “I’m fine, y/l/n, I’m more concerned about Kate right now,” he snapped. I looked at him, pained by his words. He never called me by my last name. He looked up at me with a guilty expression on his face. “Y/n, I’m-” he was cut off by the sound of an ambulance siren pulling up next to us. “I thought they weren’t letting anyone in here?” I asked, standing up. “I heard him calling for help, and I just couldn’t sit there anymore. My partner was too afraid to come with me, so one of you will have to drive.”

We got Kate up in the ambulance. Hotch insisted on driving. I glanced over at him, worried. “A-Aaron…” Kate whispered from the back of the ambulance. “It’s me, Kate, I’m here,” he said. I looked out of the window, holding back tears. Now wasn’t the time for feelings. We arrived at the hospital, they said the hospital was closed, so I flashed my badge to get us in. Who “closes” a hospital, anyway? They took Kate back, and Hotch and I stood as she rolled out of sight.

He swayed a little bit before collapsing into the floor. “Hotch!” I picked his head up in my arms as nurses surrounded me. “His name is Aaron Hotchner. He’s a federal agent, he was involved in a bombing.” They put him on a stretcher and wheeled him back as well. “Sorry, ma'am, you can’t go back there,” a nurse said as she closed the doors. I stood there, helpless. I called the team. “Hotch is in the ER and Kate’s in surgery,” I told them. They agreed to come down to the hospital and we’d go from there.

Morgan got back with the rest of the team. We finally figured out that the same man who had helped Hotch and Kate with the ambulance was the bomber. Putting everything together, I ran down to the garage where the ambulances were. I knew he’d put a bomb inside one of them. I picked up my phone and pushed Garcia’s name. “Y/n? How’s-” “Garcia, I need you to do something for me,” I said, giving her the ambulance number. “Y/n, that’s an ambulance number, is everything okay?” I wanted to smile at her concern, but I was a bit preoccupied. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Can you track it? There’s a bomb in it,” I looked into the back, and saw how complex and huge the bomb was. “Oh my God…” I breathed. I hopped in the front seat, and I heard the bomber behind me screaming at the top of his lungs. I’d ruined his plan. He started shooting at the ambulance and I swerved to avoid the bullets. “What…y/n? What was that?!” Garcia practically yelled into my ear. “Nothing, Pen, just talk to me. How much time do I have until the cell phone jam for his phone stops?” She took a shaky breath. “5 minutes and 13 seconds.”

Hotch was calling my cell phone, I assumed they let him out of the ER, which meant he was safe. “Garcia, Hotch is trying to call my phone, put him on but keep talking to me,” I said, swerving in between cars. “Y/n?! Where are you? What are you doing? You could get killed!” He shouted. “Hotch, I’m fine. I’m driving the ambulance out to the clearing not far from the hospital. Garcia, how much time?” I tried to keep my voice even, but Hotch’s voice was throwing me off. “1 minute, 43 seconds…” She said. I know it’s illegal, but I sent her a text as I was driving: “can’t concentrate with Hotch on the line. Cut him off after I tell him something, no questions asked”. I got one back a few seconds later: “if you’re sure…” I wasn’t, but I spoke up. “Hot-…Aaron?” I said, holding back tears. “What is it, y/n?” He said, his voice strained. “24 seconds,” I heard Garcia’s voice come over the phone.
“I just wanted you to know…you’re a great father. You’re a great leader. And I..I love you,” I stammered. “Y/n-” he began, but Garcia cut him off. “Thanks, Pen,” I said, allowing the tears to stream freely. “Y/n…8 seconds…” She said. I rammed the gas pedal and jumped out. “Garcia…” I whispered. “Yeah?” She said, just as the ambulance blew to smithereens. I hit the ground. “Y/n?!!” I regained my footing and brought the phone back up to my ear. “Garcia…I owe you one,” I said, out of breath. She gave a huge sigh of relief.

Morgan and Rossi drove up in an SUV after that, and they ran over to me. “We got her Hotch….we got her.” Morgan said, hanging up the phone. Rossi grabbed me into his arms, holding me close. I hadn’t realized the tears had still been falling until then. “Va bene, tesoro…va bene*…” He whispered, smoothing my hair down with his hand. Morgan was the next to hug me. “Let’s go, beautiful,” he said, leading me to the car.

Back at the hospital, I had to get checked out. Shards of glass and metal from the explosion had grazed my face, arms, and legs. Not bad, though, mere scratches. Hotch insisted I get checked out. I walked by an operation room after I’d been given the okay by the doctor, and saw Hotch. Getting closer, I saw he was holding Kate’s hand. She was dead, lying on the operation table. Tears formed in my eyes. There really weren’t any words to say, so I stood next to him, putting my hand on his arm. He took my hand in his and squeezed it. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said quietly. “And I, you,” I said. We walked out of the hospital together.

The next day, we were ready to go home. Hotch wasn’t cleared to fly yet, so I told the team I’d drive him back. “Ready, Hotch?” I asked him, grabbing his bag from him. “Y/n, what are you talking about?” He asked. “I’m driving you home,” I said as I kept walking. “Don’t you have better things to do?” I was almost hurt. “Better things to do than annoy you for three hours? Nah,” I commented. He smirked. “I can drive myself, y/n,” he stated. I ignored him and started the car. “Just shut up and get in,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Yes ma'am,” he quipped. I gave him a look. “I’m sorry, y/n,” he said. “What on earth for?” I asked, giving him a confused look. “For not telling you this sooner,” he said as he leaned in and kissed me. I stared at him, bewildered. “You never gave me a chance to tell you that I love you, too.” I blushed as he grabbed my hand. “Ready for this?” He asked. “I was born ready,” I said, smiling at him.

We both knew we weren’t talking about the road trip.

Q&A with Motionless in White - Millvale

Fan: Tell us the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you on stage?

Balz: Well I used to wear the tightest pants in the world and once on stage they ripped, right down the leg.

Chris: That was the first time anyone in the world had seen Josh Balz’s balls.