Things You Can Definitely Buy From the Dollar Store: A Guide to Being Poor
• Band-aids- You can probably get a box of 100 or so for a buck • Light Pads- Not tampons, because you really shouldn’t skimp on tampon quality, and if you have a seriously heavy flow, I would consider a sturdier brand, but for just some just-in-case panty liners or your last couple days, a 20 pack of liners for $1 is pretty sweet • Pain Relievers- it depends on how many are in the bottle and what your local prices are, so check what it costs for a big bottle at Walmart with 100 in it, vs the 25 in the dollar store bottle. It takes a little math, but sometimes it can save a lot of money to by 4 (25ct) bottles for $4 instead of 1 (100 ct) bottle for $7 • Nail Polish & Makeup- If you aren’t picky about brands, Dollar stores have some good ones sometimes. LA Colors is a makeup brand that Dollar Tree sells, among other stores, and most of its makeup is pretty good. ELF is something common at dollar stores, as well, and is pretty darn good for $1-3. I would stay away from Dollar Store foundation and concealers if you haven’t tried it out before or seen good reviews though • Dishes- A dish is a dish is a dish, man. Don’t waste $50 on your first dish set after moving out of your parent’s house. It really isn’t worth it—moving for college, a new apartment every year your lease is up, roommates, parties, exploding in microwaves, soon-to-be-ex throwing them at your head and whatnot: they’re going to get trashed. When you have a steady job, your own house and want to entertain, then go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy the nicest set of dishes you can find. Until then, Goodwill and Dollar Store dishes are for you. In my opinion, it’s actually more fun to have miss-matched dishes, but if it’s not for you, you can totally buy matches from Dollar Tree. I’ve actually seen some pretty nice ones. • Books- Find something interesting? Go for it. Book is a Book is a Book. Sometimes they even have pretty good ones, it’s worth checking next time you’re in the store • Pregnancy/Ovulation Tests- It’s been proven that the cheapos are just as accurate as the $10 apiece ones. If you have a late period or are feeling paranoid, don’t waste huge money on name brands. • Food- Dollar stores have really evolved when it comes to food. Some even have frozen sections! Be careful, as sometimes the almost empty boxes are actually MORE MONEY per oz. but all in all, you can get some good deals if you look for them. Keep an eye on expiration dates though—there is a reason it’s in the dollar store. Do NOT buy spices from discount stores! If it’s a name brand, that’s fine, but the cheapo brands make spice “mixes” and “Blends” that are usually full of salt to make them cheaper to produce—this is unhealthy for you because if you are seasoning something and want more flavor, you use more spice mix, but you’re adding more salt. Total high sodium risk • Cleaning Supplies: It all depends on what you can find, of course. But dryer sheets, sponges, toilet bowl cleaner, etc. are all pretty standard and aren’t going to be very different if you spend $1 on it or $10. If you buy one and it doesn’t work for you, or feels ineffective then spring for a more expensive version, but the cheap is always worth a try. • Candles + Incense: some of them actually smell pretty good and you can find a good deal every once in a while. They have pretty nice candle holders sometimes, as well
Things you SHOULDN’T buy from the dollar store • Spices: As noted earlier, Spice “mixes” usually contain a lot of salt and other filler, so when you go to add more seasoning for more flavor, you just end up with more salt. It’s really unhealthy, over all, and being a low-income or likely in college person can already put you at risk for unhealthy eating. Spring for the real stuff, I promise it’s worth it • Office/School Supplies: Okay, this may just be personal experience, but I have to be honest, I have not had any kind of luck with pens, pencils, or even the paper. A lot of the notebooks are actually cheaper at a regular store, especially in the fall, and it’s better to stock up on $.20 each then than pay $1 per notebook later. Your individual stores may have better options, but I’ve never found discounted office things (especially pens, ugh!) to be worth the slightly lower price once you factor in the ease with which they break, how quickly they run out of ink and whatnot. • Razors: No. Just, just don’t do it—your skin will thank me later • Candy: most small snack and candy items are old, from bad batches, or are mostly empty boxes—as well as usually being overpriced. If you need your chocolate to indulge, do it right and spend the same, if not less, amount of money on better candy. • Anything you find questionable: use your gut. It something seems too good to be true, or doesn’t feel right, don’t bother with it. Use your judgement!
With spring break just around the corner and a lot of travel in the foreseeable future, I thought I’d put together something about traveling and productivity. Now, but productivity I don’t mean studying. I’ve tried that and unless I actually have a test the minute I get off the plan, it’s usually miserable. What I mean is: how can I do more than just sitting around and counting the number of people with bags that definitely won’t fit on the overhead compartment? So here’s what I try to do at airports.
After taking an extended break from learning anything, I’ve decided it was the perfect time to get back into studying Korean~ and what better way to restart than getting a new notebook and making it all nice and pretty 💛💛💛
“Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. ”
I love notebooks (read: I am particular about notebooks), so when Redbubble started offering them I was both excited and wary. I wasn’t able to find a lot of information about the new product (spiral bound, 120 pages), and I figured there are other people out there with a similar desire for information.
So I bought a couple notebooks on sale last week. Let’s take a look.
Review note: Photos were taken in natural light on a cloudy day, and may be cropped or rotated, but were not edited for contrast or color.
THE BASICS (from Redbubble product info)
Cover 350gsm, paper stock 90gsm
Front cover print from an independent designer
Available in a selection of ruled or graph pages
Handy document pocket inside the back cover
The covers are matte cardstock. The outside front cover is printed with the purchased design. The outside back color is black. The inside of both covers are white.
The print isn’t super sharp but it still looks nice from standard “I am a human using a notebook in a normal way” distance. The image gets noticeably softer when you look at it more closely.
I was pleased (and a little surprised) to see that the cover print did not run or bleed when subjected to a small drip test (a drop of water, allowed to sit and soak into the cover, did not affect the design). It didn’t look like it’d hold up, but it did.
I bought the graph paper option, which turned out to be sort of a combo between dot grid and classic graph. I like this, since it gives a little bit of guidance while still limiting “background interference” on a finished page.
The guides are light grey. I would prefer blue (easier to get rid of when you’re scanning artwork), but they’re pretty unobtrusive.
Redbubble notebooks also come in lined versions. Currently they do not offer unlined.
Paper is… White. Not bright white, but no tones of yellow or off-white, either. It held up pretty well to some dense marker coloring–you can see the colors through the back of the paper because the paper is thin, but there’s very little actual bleed through.
The last page of the notebook is a sturdy, double-sided pocket, folded from warm grey paper.
Redbubble gives the dimensions (6″x8″) on their website, but I took some comparison photos with other popular notebook sizes.
The Redbubble notebook is comparable to a medium Moleskine (the “shiny” black book in the photos above), or a little over twice the size of a standard Field Notes booklet or small Moleskine.
Not too much to say here. Pretty typical, sturdy, double wirebound spiral. You can see close ups of the “inner” binding in the last couple pictures.
Prices will vary. Redbubble sets a base price of $10 for this product, and each artist can choose what they’d like their markup to be past that. Looks like most go for $12-$13.
Redbubble offers a fifteen percent discount if you buy three or more notebooks at a time. (And I think that discount stacks with their frequent sales and coupon codes).
It’s a nice notebook! It’s not going to develop a cult following, but I don’t think it will disappoint you, either. it’s sturdy and pleasant to hold, the paper is better than average for spiral notebooks, and (most important, really) it comes with an endless variety of cover art designed by hundreds and hundreds of independent artists—and you directly support the artist when you purchase one.
All in all, I’ve spent more on worse notebooks. I’m pretty happy with these.
Have I Made You Uncomfortable? (Bucky x Reader) Part 5
Summary: It’s no secret that Y/N and Bucky don’t get along. Everyone knows it, they know it, and everything is very clear. That is, until a certain encounter in the library starts a small ripple in the otherwise fairly still surface.
Bucky had tossed and turned all night, not
being able to fall asleep due to the events of the previous night. He got up
and washed his face, before returning to sit on the edge of his bed, his head
in his hands. Everything he’d ever said to you flickered through his mind, and
he groaned in regret. He changed his dirty clothes into some slightly
less-dirty clothes, and made his way downstairs.
He entered the kitchen to see Steve sitting
by the kitchen table eating his breakfast. Clint was leaning against the
kitchen counter sipping a cup of coffee, barely noticing him. Steve glanced up
at him with a neutral expression on his face, before gesturing to the seat
opposite him. Bucky sat down and groaned, rubbing his face with his hands.
“You look terrible. I’m guessing you didn’t
sleep,” Steve stated nonchalantly, and Bucky sighed.
Summary: Ava still struggles with how she is going to tell Barry she can communicate with animals and begins to have some suspicions with his new connection to Star Labs.
Warnings: There aren’t any in this part, but as I get further into the plot, I am going to start tagging anything with potential animal abuse. It will mostly be mentioned or anything that happens will be stated after the fact, but Ava does work at a rescue sanctuary. It’s a part of the job. I myself am a volunteer trainer at an equine rescue/training facility, so I hear a lot of abuse and neglect cases and deal with the ramifications of it nearly everyday. This is what Ava will deal with as well.
I just wanted to let you all know what will be going down in future parts of this series. If you have any questions on it or what I do, feel free to use the ask box or message me.
Ava sat in the outdoor patio of Jitters, smiling at the
flock of sparrows chittering in the tree next to her. As soon as they realized
she could understand them, they immediately began barraging her with news of
nestlings, mates, where the best food was, and general gossip of competing
flocks in the park. Ava listened as she idly doodled in the notebook in front
of her and sipped her coffee. A few of the more trusting sparrows fluttered
down on the table, looking for a treat from her half-finished orange-glazed
“Now listen, bread is terrible for you and your young,”
Ava murmured, both out loud and through her connection. Reaching into her
backpack, she pulled out a small bag of birdseed. Opening it, she poured a
small pile onto the other side of the notebook. “Eat this. It’s better and
tastier than any scraps you’ll pick up around here.”
“Careful, sis. You keep that up, people will think those
birds actually understand you,” Barry joked as he walked up. One of the
females, the flock leader Ava had named Crown because of a crown-like marking
on her head, whistled angrily at the rude male. Ava hid her wince and managed
to smile up at her older brother.
“They just like that I occasionally have birdseed with
me. It’s better than bread scraps.” She smiled more genuinely when he leaned
down and kissed her head. She noticed Cisco was standing behind her brother,
both with coffees in their hands. “Hey Cisco.”
“Hey Ava. How did we pass by without noticing you?” Ava
“This table is tucked away more. I like it cause its
quieter than inside.”
“Can’t argue with that. Wish we could hang out a bit
more, but Dr. Wells is waiting for us back at the lab, Barry,” Cisco reminded.
Barry nodded and hugged Ava again.
“Everything okay? You’ve been hanging around the labs a
lot since you woke up,” she asked, idly sipping her coffee. The question may
have been innocent, but Barry wasn’t fooled; Ava was tenacious when it came to
mysteries and secrets. On the rare occasion he was hiding something from her, she
had a way of wheedling it out of him. Fortunately, he also had experience in
dodging her, at least for a while. He reached to grab a piece of her muffin.
more than you hanging around the sanctuary until after dark,” he fired back. She
moved to smack his hand away, but he had already grabbed a small chunk. “Missed
me,” he taunted around the bite. “Dr. Wells is letting me help with some of the
projects in my spare time.”
on a day off you could come by and check it out?” Cisco asked.
“Maybe. With the sanctuary running on skeleton crew, I’m
on call more often.” It was a half-truth; Diane and Mark did let her pick up
more shifts, but the crew was hardly a skeleton anymore. Cisco shrugged.
“Whenever you get the chance. Caitlyn’s been asking about
you too,” Barry answered. He kissed her head again. “We gotta go. Love you.”
“Love you too.” She called out as the boys walked out of
the patio. She leaned back in her seat, staring at her muffin. She suddenly
didn’t have an appetite for the rest of her muffin. Instead, her thoughts were
consumed by the conversation that just took place.
Your flock mate wasn’t truthful,
Crown peeped, hopping towards her hand. Is that normal for your flock mate?
No more than me doing the same, Crown,
Ava replied. “But it’s still odd.”
“What’s odd?” For the second time that morning, Ava was
startled by one of her siblings. This time, it was Iris who was sitting down in
the empty seat. “And aren’t you jumpy?” Ava chuckled.
“Just talking with Crown here.” She giggled when the bold
sparrow hopped towards Iris’ bag. “She wants to know if you have that granola
you usually have with you?”
“You spoil them, Ava,” Iris chastised in her best “big
sister” voice. Regardless, she had reached into her bag and pulled out the bag
of granola trail mix, adding a small handful to what was left of the birdseed.
“Yeah, Barry said something similar,” Ava muttered. Iris’
calm demeanor never changed, though Ava still caught her shifting slightly
closer. “He and Cisco apparently spotted me on the way out. He said I needed to
be careful or else people will think they understand.” She gestured towards Crown
and couple sparrows who were pecking at the new treat.
“You do need to be careful,” Iris agreed. “You have a bad
habit of speaking out loud what you can tell them telepathically.”
“But Barry doesn’t know that!” Ava slouched in the chair
with a slight pout. Iris ignored it.
“Even more reason. I think you should work on that more
than the shared mind thing. Where was Barry going today?”
“Star Labs.” Ava stared at her muffin and the missing
chunk Barry took. That was a pretty quick
snatch ‘n grab. Usually, I can graze his hand. “Hey Iris?” Iris looked up
from checking her email. “You get the feeling Barry is hiding something?”
“Sometimes, yeah. Why?”
“I don’t know. He’s been going to Star Labs a lot in his
spare time. Something about helping with projects.” After a thoughtful moment,
Iris shook her head.
“Listen, we are all still adjusting to what happened and
Barry realizes you’ve pulled back a bit. He’s just giving you space until you
want to tell him about your ability. You did the same thing after you came to
live with us.” Ava nodded, remembering that terrible year.
“Yeah, probably. I still don’t know how I’m going to
break it to them.”
“Well you better figure it out, girl, before one of them
interrupts one of those conversations you have with the tigers or they see you
mind-meld with Regan.”
“Nah, we set him free a couple days ago. I think he went
off to Star City. Speaking of which, I saw you wrote that PSA about dogs going
missing from yards. Any more information on that?” Iris shook her head.
“No. Eddie mentioned he might’ve had a lead or two, but
nothing substantial.” Ava hummed softly.
“Diane’s talked about it too. She thinks there may be a
dog fighting ring trying to get started and people are kidnapping potential
bait dogs.” The thought of what that meant for those family pets hurt Ava
deeply. Sensing her depression, Crown fluttered up onto Ava’s shoulder and
began preening her red hair soothingly, peeping softly. She raised a finger and
stroked the little sparrow’s head gratefully. “Mark was talking about knowing a
couple guys who might have intel on that. Maybe Eddie could talk to them?”
“I’ll tell him. Since we both have the day off, how about
we go do some shopping? I feel like treating my little sister to a girl’s day.”
Iris smiled as Ava grinned. She knew some well spent sister time would distract
Ava from her current problems.
“I’ve got no plans. Let me take this plate to Dani and
I’ll meet you up front.” Iris nodded and left. Putting the napkin with the
birdseed and granola near the bushes, Ava reached for the half-eaten muffin.
Just as she was about to grab it, a spark of electricity jolted her. Yelping,
she snatched her hand back, cradling it against her chest. The hair on her arm
and neck stood on end as a prickly feeling raced up her arm and down her spine.
Looking, she could already a small welt forming on her palm. Had she really
gotten a first degree burn from static?
Near the spot where Barry had grabbed a piece?
You okay? Crown was still on her
shoulder and had seen the whole thing. I felt that all the way up here!
fine. Go eat the rest of the seed. Tell your flock I’ll come back Tuesday
before work. Crown chirped, preened a strand of
blue-tipped red hair, and flew off her shoulder. Ava hardly noticed, still
staring at the spot.Hesitantly, she reached for her food but nothing else happened.
She’d have to puzzle it out later; Iris was waiting and her palm was burning. Hopefully
Dani had some burn cream in the first aid kit, otherwise, the first stop on the
shopping trip would have be CVS.
I withdrew from the world not because I had enemies, but because I had friends. Not because they did me an ill turn as is customary, but because they thought me better than I am. It was a lie I could not endure.
Current favourites, Paperblanks Edgar A. Poe planner and Sublime in Nature journal. Holding a passport size Midori Traveler’s notebook, because the only thing better than a journal is a double journal.
Will (Dex now, he still has to get used to that) was having a pleasant afternoon until Nursey waltzed in and ruined it, as per usual.
He’s attempting to get his coding homework done on the green couch and Lardo is sketching from her perch on the arm across from him when the door flies open and his ‘better half,’ as Ransom and Holster have annoyingly dubbed him, saunters in, looking for all the world like some hipster idiot who’s only missing his half-caf chia disaster in a cup.
“Hey, Poindexter,” he drawls, and God, Will already wants to sink his fist into something. “What’s that?” He looms over the couch to inspect Will’s screen, and for a moment, Will contemplates going for the jugular. Next to him, Lardo clears her throat, and Will decides to go for an eyeroll instead.
“Homework. Don’t you have any? Oh wait, I forgot, you’re an English Major, of course you don’t. How rude of me to assume,” he fires back. It’s a low blow, considering only yesterday he watched Nursey agonize over a seven page paper, but Will gave up on the whole “high road” thing weeks ago.
Nursey scoffs. “Chill, Dex, there is such a thing as free time. I’m simply exercising my right to appreciate the gifts of the universe.”
Maybe it’s the ‘chill.’ Maybe it’s the tone, maybe it’s the stupid, pompous comment, but something makes Will snap. He slams his laptop shut and tosses it to the side, standing up and whirling around to face Nursey, who’s smirking at him like he thinks he’s won. “You ever think about how you got here? Not here, you pretentious asshole, but here in this room, in this stupid frat house that’s falling the fuck apart? Your parents wrote a check and shipped you off and didn’t think twice about it and now you’re stuck here with the rest of us and with some of us who can’t afford - cannot literally afford to pull the fucking nonsense bullshit you pull on a daily basis. Some of us had to do a little more than that and actually fucking earned their way here, and maybe some of us have to keep earning it until we graduate. I know that’s never occurred to you, but there you go, now you know, Nurse.”
Nursey’s smirk is long gone, replaced by something else (bewilderment? Anger, maybe, but Will can’t bring himself to care). He stares Will down for another moment and, without a word, turns and heads for the kitchen. Will, against the better judgement that sets off sirens screaming in his head, follows.
“Nothing to say for yourself, for once?”
Nursey quietly grabs a glass from the cabinet and fills it at the sink. “What do you want me to say, Dex? You’ve made your point.”
Will wants him to say a lot of things. He wants an argument, a fight, something to expend all of this useless, useless energy on. He’s got plenty more where that came from, everything simmering below the surface, and he has to use it up somewhere. Might as well be here.
“I-“ He stops himself short as Nursey glares at him and takes a step forward, definitely not what Will would call ‘chill.' Suddenly, Nursey’s foot slides away from him and Will watches his glass slip from between his fingers as he heads toward the floor. Without thinking, he snags Nursey’s wrist and yanks him toward the doorway before the glass hits the tile, shattering.
“Watch it, idiot,” he says, hand still locked around Nursey’s wrist. “Bitty Swiffered, like, ten minutes ago.”
Nursey face snaps from genuine surprise to a grin. “Thanks, Dexy. I’m gonna go find the dustpan,” he says, and now it’s Will’s turn to be surprised.
He drops Nursey’s wrist like it might burn him and snatches the only remaining roll of paper towels off of the counter.
He’s probably never used a dustpan in his life, he thinks to himself, and the thought dispels the weird air that’s accumulated in the kitchen. He shakes his head as he hears Lardo shift from her perch to the floor.
“Damn,” she calls. “Chowder wasn’t kidding.”
Dex pushes through the crowded living room, careful to make sure his cup doesn’t spill on the crowd of sorority girls giggling by the door. When he bursts out onto the front porch, the air is a welcome relief from the noise and the heat inside - and Nursey is right where Farmer said he’d be, leaning on the railing a few feet away.
Dex makes his way over to stand next to him. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Nursey says, breaking into a grin. “Thought you ran upstairs to hide?”
“Holster wouldn’t let me, said I was 'too young to waste my life away up there.’ I did hide in the kitchen for awhile, though.”
Nursey nods. “Nobody ever suspects the kitchen,” he says, and then he giggles.
“Plus, free pie,” Dex adds, and Nursey nods again before turning to contemplate the lawn.
Technically, Chowder’s the one on Nursey Patrol right now, but he asked nicely and so did Farmer, so Dex offered to relieve him of his duties for the night. He’s done it before, no big deal - plus, he actually likes being around Nursey now. They’re not like they used to be last year, they’re better. And besides, Nursey’s not even schwasted, he’s like, bordering tipsy. Maybe.
“Dex,” he says, suddenly very serious. “I forgot to ask you something earlier, you gotta answer it so Ransom will tell me I’m right.”
Dex sighs. “What is it?”
“The Notebook or Titanic?”
Dex blinks. Maybe Nursey’s a little more than tipsy. “What?”
Nursey huffs impatiently. “Which is better? The Notebook or Titanic?”
Dex has sisters, so he’s heard of both, but he’s really only seen a few minutes of Titanic, so he goes with that one.
Nursey lights up. “Really?!”
Dex shrugs. “Yeah, that’s the one with DiCaprio, right?”
“Ohmygod, Dexy, yes that’s the one with DiCaprio! And the boat, and the iceberg!”
Dex rolls his eyes. “Nurse, I know what it’s about.”
“What’s your favorite - no, wait, let me guess!” Nursey takes a step back, sizing Dex up, and Dex is really starting to regret letting Chowder off the hook. “It’s totally the part where she thinks she’s flying.”
Surprisingly enough, that’s the only few minutes of the movie Dex has actually seen. “You’re right, it totally is,” he tries, but Nursey doesn’t buy it.
“You know, when they’re on the boat? Like this?” And even though Dex tries to reassure Nursey that he absolutely knows what he’s referring to, Nursey insists on flinging his arms open wide and leaning out over the porch railing to remind him. “Dex!” he calls. “Dex, you’re supposed to-”
Then Nursey starts to tip forward. Before he really knows what’s happening, Dex drops his cup and scrambles to stop him from diving headfirst into the bushes, grabbing the closest part available (his waist) and yanking him back upright.
“Whoa, Nurse, are you okay?”
It takes a second for them both to process, and right as Dex realizes where his hands still are, Nursey gasps.“Oh my god, Dexy, you did it! Jack, I’m flying!”
Dex does his best long-suffering sigh. “Come on,” he says, “let’s go back inside.” And softly, to himself, as he drags Nursey toward the kitchen and away from beer pong, “I need a refill.”
“I still wish you would have at least let me get the tip or something.”
“You paid for Annie’s yesterday,” Nursey points out. “And I know for a fact that you have a gift for me in the attic, so.” Dex shoves at his shoulder, and he laughs.
“It was supposed to be a surprise!” Dex protests. “Who told you? Was it Lardo? I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her!”
“Chill,” Nursey says, squeezing Dex’s hand. “I was looking for one of my shirts in your closet and I found it.”
Dex sighs. “Well, happy anniversary.”
Nursey grins. “Happy anniversary,” he agrees, and leans over to peck Dex on the cheek before letting go of his hand. He takes two steps forward and turns around to face Dex while continuing to stroll, backwards, onto the little stone bridge.
“Nursey,” Dex warns.
“It’s okay, I practiced,” Nursey says. “But I wanted to give you your gift before we-” he wobbles, and Dex reaches out to steady him, but drops his arm when Nursey corrects himself. “Before we get back to the Haus."
Dex sees the dip in the cobblestones before Nursey does, and as Nursey starts to tip backwards, he grabs for Nursey’s stupid lapel (he really had made an effort to dress up for dinner - not that he needed to) and pulls until they’re so close their noses are almost touching.
"Be careful,” he admonishes, and Nursey smiles.
“I’m still falling for you, three years later,” he says softly, and Dex would chirp him for that, but he rolls his eyes and kisses him instead - which is pretty much what he’s been doing for the past six months, anyway.
The Book of Rage is something I developed to help me manage my overtaking, all encompassing, sometimes mortally threatening, irrational action fueling, always impeding negative thoughts & moods.
What you will need:
A notebook or sketchbook
A writing utensil
Markers and crayons
Page One: The Mission Statement (of sorts)
Page One is where you introduce yourself to yourself, but also make a promise to yourself to heal. Page One should set the tone and inspire YOU whenever you read it.
My page one goes something like:
“Hello. My name is X, but I’ve never truly associated myself with that name and have a barrage of preferred nicknames. Here are a few of them: (list of nicknames)”
“At the time of this entry I am X years old. I have BPD.”
“In this journal I will attempt to chronicle my extreme emotions, work through them, and develop a coping mechanism to retrain my thinking patterns.”
This next part of page one is very important. Please do not disregard including this next part. I have found it to be very grounding while coming up out of a serious down. Note that while I am in the serious down, this next line doesn’t help, but after I’ve worked through the bulk of the emotion, this next sentence brings me to tears with hope for myself.
“I will heal. It will be ok. I will love myself”
That was my Page One. Yours may be different, longer, shorter. It may take up two pages, three pages, half a page. The importance is in the components, which are:
Solidify a sense of self, which I have done by including all my pseudonyms through the years in one list as well as including my diagnosis (which, since obtaining, has set me free to explore healing options)
Set a goal for the book, and get into the thinking pattern that this book is a good coping mechanism, if not a necessity, for your process in better understanding and managing yourself
Realize that improvement is possible, your feelings and emotions are valid, and that the future is bright.
About the Rage Page
Now to get into what the bulk of this book will be: Rage Pages. A rage page is exactly what it sounds like, a page filled with your rage. Raging mindlessly and into the abyss of your notebook is better than raging into the real world and doing something irrational, most will agree.
The Rage Pages have such a larger purpose, though. Not only are they a space to release your negative thoughts and feelings in a fiery spiel of “fuck it all”, but they are a space to pull yourself back together and analyze your emotions.
Over time, your rage pages will outline a map of that part of you. Your triggers will surface and you will be able to identify them. Your worst “times of day” or “states of mind” will start to make sense. Your irrational thought patterns and emotions will begin to be able to be understood by you, and that’s important.
That’s what this book is all about: self learning, self understanding, self love, and healthy release of those destructive thoughts and emotions.
So, when you’re feeling exceptionally emotional in any way and are having trouble controlling your emotions or actions, turn to a new rage page and have at.
Rage Page Formula
Date: The date, fill this in later if you don’t know. Be sure to fill this in, as the dates are how you track your progress and growth.
Time: Don’t feel the need to get too specific, or get as specific as you want. “Just woke up” “after lunch” “6:32pm on a Wednesday” “sunset” are all perfectly ok! Everyone perceives time a bit different.
State of Mind: List every emotion you are currently feeling, or describe your current state of mind.
Intensity of Emotion: Feel free to develop your own actual scale, and be sure to include “numbness”. I, personally, will sometimes become so negatively emotional I become numb. The emotions are still present in a way, but I am numb to the world. I also don’t have a scale, and some of my entries are “Over 9000″ or “Like Six but Building”. As long as you know what you’re talking about, whatever you put here is a-ok
What Happened: Here’s where you let it ALL out. Scribble. Write sloppily. Write what happened. Write everything that lead up to those emotions, write anything anyone did to you-or what you did to them. Use no censors and just go ham, let it all out. Take up six pages with “FUCKIN’ MC FUCK FUCK” if you need to, in all caps, in your worst handwriting. It’s your rage page(s) and you keep letting it out until you calm down.
Not calm yet? Scribble circles. So upset you only can write one sentence? That’s ok. Too numb to do anything but write super analytically? Go ham. Would prefer to draw a comic or express yourself through a drawing? DO IT! Even if you need to talk about what a piece of shit you are (you’re not a piece of shit btw), do that. Write “I Suck” 40 times and draw a sad llama.
The point of this is to regulate yourself and your current emotion to where that emotion or mental state is not fueling your actions. Whatever you need to do with that ink to express yourself and calm down, you do just that.
DO NOT MOVE ON TO THE NEXT STEP UNTIL YOU ARE CALMED DOWN.
IF YOU ARE STILL THINKING/FEELING STRONG EMOTIONS & CONTEMPLATING IRRATIONAL BEHAVIORS, CONTINUE RAGING. DOODLE. SCRIBBLE. COLOR THE WHOLE PAGE IN BLACK. PLAY DOTS WITH YOURSELF. LITERALLY ANYTHING.
Emotion Analysis: Remember back when we listed every emotion we were currently feeling, or described our current state of mind? Now we’re going to go deeper into them, and figure out why or what triggered those feelings. List out all of the emotions as a bullet points. Next to each emotion, write out why you are/were feeling that, what triggered the emotion, and if you can identify the thought process leading up to that emotion, do so.
Over time, you will begin to see correlations between what happened, your emotions, what triggered them, and how you reacted. Your head-space should be clearer than it was at the beginning of this page, and you should be able to at least semi-rationally identify causation.
Conclusion / Solution / Next Step: You’ve raged. You’ve ranted. You’ve let it all out, and you’ve identified the causes of your emotions to your best ability. By this point, you should be pretty calm and thinking rationally, maybe even beating yourself up. Stop beating yourself up if that’s what you’re doing. Now, we focus on what we are going to do with the information we have learned.
Your conclusion / solution / next step should include anything you’ve learned from the experience (so long as it is not self deprecating), such as needing to take a deep breath and not respond immediately next time someone says that thing, or knowing that you just can’t drink with certain people, or avoiding a location, or eating before doing the thing.
It should also include any solutions you have come up with (so long as it’s not harmful to yourself and others) such as apologizing, talking rationally with someone who upset you, getting ice cream, writing a strongly worded but respectful letter.
The third and arguably most important thing is to highlight your next step, which could be a combination of your conclusion & solution, or something else all together. A next step could simply be what you are going to do next, which is vital to outline if you are feeling numb or feel as if you are shutting down or disassociating. Here is where you will give yourself a task to execute, and follow through, even if it’s to make tea and read the next chapter in your Harry Potter book.
Example of a Rage Page
Some things have been altered/cut short
Time: Like 1:30 pm or SOMETHING
State of Mind: Stressed, Alone, Abandoned, Hopeless
What Happened: I was at the doctors and had to hit the “fuckyou” button on my friend, because no calls allowed, and he started acting like he wasn’t important, and I got really, really mad. I sent a lot of angry texts.
Stressed: I had coffee, life activities like the doctor make me on edge
Alone: Having nobody to call when me and my one friend get into an argument, going to the doctors all by myself, not having any family living near for support
Abandoned: Unsure footing in current relationship, nobody to talk to when my one friend is mad at me
Hopeless: No help for me. No sure footing in relationship. Nobody to talk to, really.
Conclusion: I was triggered by having my feelings and thoughts assumed, and by the construed perception that my health priorities come secondary to anyone else’s needs.
Solution: It was miscommunication.
Next Step: Apologize for the barrage of texts I sent when mad (before I caught myself), work on not getting so mad in the future.
BUT WAIT WHAT ABOUT THOSE OPTIONAL MATERIALS
If you’ve gotten Velcro, wrap your writing utensil in one bit (I recommend the softer bit) and put the other bit on your notebook. Alternatively, glue the ribbon to both your book and the pen. Now your pen won’t go missing!
If you’ve gotten the ribbon and don’t want to use it to connect your pen, glue the ribbon around your notebook with the ends hanging over where it opens. Now you can tie the notebook shut to “trap the rage”- or to simply keep it shut. I bring mine everywhere and sometimes it flops open, so I’ll probably be doing this soon.
Decorations - decorate the cover and make it yours.
Mood Stickers: Use mood stickers to express your emotions, if you can’t find the words
Markers and Crayons: To express yourself with, or to decorate your book with
I hope this helps someone! I got the idea from these anger management worksheets I had to do when in Anger Management some almost ten years ago.