HP reread IX: follow 4 more soft wizard racism
- this whole time I’ve thought dark marks are black, but it turns out they only go black when Voldemort touches them. the rest of the time they’re “vivid red”. Karkaroff said his had been “getting clearer” all year, implying that it faded during that decade-or-so when Voldemort was an evil spirit Smeagol. so, for 13 years, some of the biggest, baddest wizards in the country walked around with pale pink skulls tattooed on their arms. death eaters rockin’ that pastel grunge aesthetic.
- while we’re gently mocking death eaters: if Voldemort’s original plan was to kill Harry, hitch a portkey back to Hogwarts and take control using the element of surprise and his loyal buds that showed up in the graveyard, he would obviously have taken them with him, right? please picture all the death eaters and Voldemort standing around the Triwizard Cup, touching it with a single finger and patiently waiting for it to take off. that is the funniest fucking image. UNFORTUNATELY we know that the portkey is permanently active as it took Harry straight back to Hogwarts as soon as he touched it, so INSTEAD picture Voldemort counting down from 3 so all the death eaters touch it at the same time. “are we touching it ON THREE or AFTER THREE?” “on three.” “so one two three touch?” “on three! ON THREE, GOYLE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!”
- I wish JKR had let Snape stay as a morally black/extremely dark grey reprehensible fucktrumpet triple agent who was invaluable to the order — and a great example of the whole “not all bad people are death eaters” (er… anymore) thing that gets brought up w/ Umbridge — and who we could all merrily love to hate while also genuinely liking as a character. (like the scene where he shows Fudge his dark mark? so cool. SO COOL. he outs himself as an ex-death eater in front of a whole group of people including his students, colleagues and the Minister for Magic just to make a point.) instead she tried to make him into some sort of tragic Byronic hero and it was pants. BUT LET’S NOT JUMP THE GUN, EH?
- honestly I’m surprised Sirius didn’t launch himself out of the chair and try to eat Snape at that point. (Sirius was a dog at the time. this sounds weird.)
- speaking of weird dog Sirius, I really think he has spent far too much time as a dog and needs to chill. he came up with A DOG NAME FOR HIMSELF. which, okay, isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but what does Sirius go for? Spike? Spot? Rover? Lucky? no. SNUFFLES. Sirius, buddy, you gotta get out of that dog mentality. you let Harry, Ron and Hermione pat you on the head to say goodbye. you gotta be a MAN!
- after the third task, Dumbledore sends McGonagall down the pumpkin patch and tells her to take the large, black dog that she’ll find sitting in it up to his office. CAN YOU PLEASE IMAGINE how OVER THE MOON Sirius would be with McGoogles showing up, talking to him WHILE HE’S A DOG, taking him up to Dumbledore’s office WHILE HE’S A DOG, and telling him the headmaster will see him shortly WHILE! HE’S! A DOG! he fucking loved it. I bet he was utterly beside himself. McGoog, talking to him in dog form, probably being very stern and Scots about it. and she had NO IDEA it was him. I bet he could not fucking WAIT to tell Remus.
- there isn’t a lot of Draco Malfoy in GoF, but he pops in at the end for some Classic Malfoy interaction. he shows up in their train compartment, as is his wont, and starts gloating about how he warned Harry about hanging out with the wrong sort four fucking years ago on the day they very first met, on the train, remember, Potter? I warned you! I said this would happen, Potter! you picked the losing side! I told you to pick your company more carefully, remember? remember, Potter? when we met on the train? I told you! you should have picked me! you should have pICKED ME, POTTER, WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK ME??? WELL IT’S TOO LATE NOW!!! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE, POTTER, SO THERE!!!!! then they all jinx him and leave him on the train with bats in his nose or something.
- I am sure you will all be OVERJOYED to know that Goblet of Fire contains my single favourite moment from the entirety of the Harry Potter series as a whole. yes. my #1 moment. My Scene. during the third task, Harry bumps into a sphinx in the maze. sphinxes are dangerous mythical creatures, and Harry is taking part in a dangerous legendary tournament. the sphinx says, “You are very near your goal. The quickest way is past me.” and what does Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, the saviour of the wizarding world, say to this? “so will you move, please?” that’s my SON. THAT’S MY BOOOY!!!