beneath those stars

firefly and ink.

It was foggy the other night, so I decided to text you. I still got a response, I expected you to be gone– gone like you never even existed to begin with. This is how you want to wake up. This is how you want to leave an impression. You save your favorite quotes inside of a journal right beneath your bed under those star striped lines, you kept the best poetry for your eyes only. But you always shared a few words wth me. I don’t know how to live without you, so I’ve been expecting the worst. Lately your depression likes to swell, so I run out of ways to apologize. I don’t know how to make things right, but if the weather is foggy and my eyes don’t act right when tears fall– how many years will we take up to truly try? I’m tired of trying. I want to do. I want to be a doer. I want to live. There’s a funny thing about living, no one knows how to do it. Everyone’s just stumbling around a path that leads to a cliff and every now and then you fall into a deep hole and start wishing this was minecraft and you just happened to have a random shovel with you to dig carefully enough to make steps out of this hole. But you don’t. Cause this isn’t a game. It’s real life and it sucks and that’s the truth but somehow, every time I think I’m done with this whole “life” thing, that little laugh you did this one time when you were reading to me rings at the back of my head and suddenly it’s all around me and I just want to hear more. Because every time I’m done you reel me back in and I just want to sit beside you and have you read me a story till I fall asleep because if I wake up and you’re still there, it’s all I’ll ever need.

Anger and Other Such Devices

I feel lava in my back
and humility in my cheeks
across my nose, my lips

the sudden need to say
without thought or reason
beyond hurt or howl

and asteroid knuckles in drywall,
shatter plates and ears
neither aloud listens–

and I can’t see the sad.
But I don’t hear anything
because you’re yelling

and I’m yelling with nothing,
no meaning, no effort
children rapt in playground conflict.

How are we in our decade,
in our moment of lost and found–
as our wolves linger

and ice grows in our bellies?
Where do we find time
to apologize

when we sleep in separate lives,
while we sit beneath those stars
oh so dead and gone?

Sneaking Out

Zayn: There was something about the wind in your hair and the feel of leather against your skin that lit you up and brought you to life. Maybe it was having Zayn beside you, driving with his wrist casually slung over the wheel and the cigarette dangling from his lips. Maybe it was the rock station playing, or maybe it was him convincing you to sneak out for the first time in your life. Either way, it was a perfect night with thousands of stars and the windows rolled down. “Where are we going?” You asked as he made a left up a dirt hill. He just smiled, eyes flicking over you clad in his leather jacket. It had taken a lot for you to sneak out, you’ve never done it before but he made you do all sorts of crazy things. “Surprise,” he grinned, slowly up and turning off his headphones. When he put the car in park, he pointed. Below was the city, wide awake with it’s lights. “This is awesome,” you breathed, leaning forward to look out over it. He just smiled leaving the radio on as he pulled his cigarette out from between his lips. He draped his arm across the back of the seat and pulled you close, letting out a content sigh. “It’s like we’re in a whole other world,” he whispered, nuzzling his nose against your temple. You linked your hand with his and nodded, loving that there was no one else up here but you and Zayn beneath all those stars. “I think I’m in love with you,” he whispered, voice trembling the slightest bit. You raised your eyes to his, stunned that the bad boy of school fell for someone so sweet and innocent like you. When the smoke of his breath mixed with yours, you didn’t move. You let him kiss you, the smell of leather and cologne filling you up and making you whole. “

Harry: “Are you sure about this?” Harry asked nervously, fingers lacing and unlacing together. He looked adorable, standing there unsure with his overly large black sweater and skinny jeans. You just grinned, swinging your leg back through his window. You had always been the more rebellious of the pair of you, and maybe you weren’t the best influence but Harry felt alive when he was with you.”Don’t you trust me?” You asked, swinging out and down onto the tree branch. Lucky Harry’s room wasn’t that high up, and scaling the tree was as easy as climbing stairs. He looked back at his plain room and pushed himself through the window before he could stop himself. “Where are we going?” he asked, landing beside you on the grass. “Wherever we want!” you hissed, hugging him up the side walk. He felt more alive with you than he did anywhere else, and with your hand in his and the whole night before you, Harry started to run with you. You ended up in town, sitting at the back booth of the all night diner. You both ordered food, swiping fries and trading bites together.”So tell me a secret,” you said, popping another fry into your mouth. He grinned, lips twitching. It was his turn, after all. You’d been exchanging secrets for an hour, both of you ordering milkshakes and arguing over which flavor was better. But you were his favorite flavor, his favorite treat. “You’re like a toxin,” he breathed, eyes flicking to yours. “I can’t resist you and I don’t want too. You’re in my blood and in my head, but you make me feel alive and that,” he said leaning forward, eyes holding yours, “is why I’ve fallen completely in love with you.”

Niall: When your window slid up, you tried not to move. Maybe if you held completely still, the intruder would just pass right by you and go into the hallway. You heard his feet hit the floor and a muffled curse. It was the accent that gave it away. “Niall!” You hissed, eyes immediately flicking to the door. Your parents were down the hall, for god’s sake. “Hey baby,” he grinned, flipping the lock on the door. He toed off his shoes and motioned for you to move over. “What the hell are you doing!?” Your outraged whisper filled the space between your bodies. He just smiled, snuggling down next to you. “I couldn’t sleep, I had to see you,” he said, his cold hands resting on the small of your back. You shivered against his cold skin and felt your anger deflate. “I’m going to get in so much trouble,” you groaned. In all your time dating, Niall had never done this before. “I’ll be gone soon. I just had to see you, hold you,” he whispered tiredly. Not to mention that he snuck out of his own house to get here. God forbid if someone checked in on him to find him gone. “Alright,” you whispered meekly, the will to fight gone. It felt so good here in his arms squished on your tiny twin mattress. “Promise that we’ll get married,” he said into the dark, his arms giving you a squeeze. “I need to fall asleep with you for the rest of my life and wake up with you. I need to know that I can come home to you and that I don’t have to wait until next time to see you. I want this all the time.” You didn’t move, you just stared at him until he looked at you. “You want that?” You asked hoarsely, you were in disbelief that he wanted it too. “Yes baby,” he smiled, kissing your temple. “I want you.”

Louis: It was the quick vibrations of your phone that woke you. “‘Lo?” you mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.”I’m out front,” Louis said into the phone. Your eyes snapped open and you threw back the covers and raced to the window. Sure enough, his black jeep was idling out front of your house. “What are you doing?” You screeched, trying to keep your vice level. He laughed looked up through the passenger window to your room. Your silhouette was outlined by the moon and he grinned. “Let’s go to the beach,” was all he said, waving for you to come down. “What in the…the beach?” he just hummed, nodding his head like you could see him. “I want to watch the sun come up with you.” That was a hard offer to resist. “Leave your parents a note, tell them I picked you up early for a surprise.” Your blood was pumping, hands shaking as you changed. Louis had always been the more adventurous of the two of you, but tonight you felt daring and you agreed. You slid into his car and he peeled out, cranking on the radio. You sang the whole way there, voice loud and off key with the windows down and the moon kissing both of you. When you finally arrived at the beach, he grabbed the basket and the blanket from the back and led you to the sand. You had breakfast as the sun came up, his arm wrapped around your waist. The sky was beautiful, flaming orange and hot pink and Louis winked at you. “My best girl and my favorite place, he sighed, pulling you to your feet. You walked in the surf together, grabbing shells and chasing each other. “Wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else but you,” he said, pulling you to his chest. “For the rest of my life, I only want moments like this with you.”

Liam: Daring should have been his new middle name. He was taking risks, he was doing things he never used to do. But the way he saw it, he was young and impulsive and he should make the most of his youth while he still could. Which was why he slid open his bedroom window and watched you climb up his tree. You’d been texting him all night, hot and bothered and just the slightest bit desperate for his touch. He was home at his mom’s, and she would kill him if she knew you were here. “Shh,” he hushed you as you stepped into his room. “That was fast,” he said, sliding the window down behind you. “I couldn’t wait,” you breathed. Of course he was only on lack sweat pants, barefooted and bare chested with his pants hanging off his hips in that way that made you mouth go dry. He just smirked, setting his phone down and freezing when he felt your arms snake around his waist and your lips press to the middle of his back. “Were you thinking about me today?” You asked, mouth gliding over his skin until he shivered. “Yes,” he rasped out, body tightening as your hands dropped to his hips. He wasn’t used to you taking the lead like this, but he liked it. You weren’t even sure what had come over you, but he had been driving you crazy and you were tired of pretending like you weren’t affected. You pushed him down to his bed and straddled his hips, lips immediately sinking to his neck. “Jesus, babe,” he groaned, head thrown back as you rubbed him through his pants. You just smirked, it was about time he realized how crazy he made you. “Grab the headboard and don’t let go until I tell you too,” he did as you asked and then wished he hadn’t as your mouth covered him and his hands tightened around the wood. He was in for a long, long night.