#sundayfunday of my #blue #test #comingsoon I have lots of #training and #fitness #exercise in #kungfu #class I #love my #eagleclaw #school #师父 is #always #encouraging his #students to #bemore #livelife #bepositive & #soar I’m #proud to #study beside my #shifu i #want to take him on his #offer to #teach #atm but for now my #kungfupanda self has an #exam to pass (at New York, New York)
lams angsty oneshot prompt — john is terrified of the dark, so one night when the power unexpectedly goes out he gets a panic attack and alexander calms him down :')
Lams fuels my heart, it really does. I love Lin, but God do I pray he never discovers my one shots.
John and Alex weren’t the perfect couple. They had arguments, Alex had severe anxiety due to his past with the hurricane and abandonment. John had PTSD from the way his father treated him and his siblings, the punishments he’d receive for stepping a toe out of line.
They made it work though - whenever Alex was panicking or going through a rough patch, John knew how to calm him. Know how to hold him so he didn’t panic at contact, knew the songs his mother used to sing to him, played with his hair, treated him the way he knew helped the best.
Alex knew how to help John. Whenever he’d panic, flashbacks plaguing his mind when he’d accidentally break something, Alex could coax him out of his mind, assuring him accidents happened and John was fine.
They’d lived together for a few months now - actually tomorrow would be their nine month anniversary but who was counting - and life had been going quite well. Their bed was soft enough to where that’s where they’d retreat when needed, firm enough for their more intimate moments, and cozy enough for lazy Sundays.
It was late at night - or early in the morning John wasn’t completely sure - it was so dark, no stars shining, no moon illuminating their room. He wasn’t sure what had woken him up, eyes still blurry and head swimming with sleep. He looked to his right, Alex face down, arms curled to his chest like a baby, mouth parted slightly as he slept. John felt a sleepy smile spread on his face, laying back down, feeling Alex cuddle into the warmth of his body.
Thunder roared through the night, causing his blood to turn to ice, eyes widening as he realized what had woken him up. Lightning lit up the room, Alex stirred slightly, eyes blearily opening, head tilting up slightly. He caught sight of John - eyes wider than ever, body sat rigged. He leaned over to his side of the bed, flicking the lamp.
Nothing. Squinting in confusion, he tried again, nothing. The power went out. He turned back to John, who had grabbed a pillow, holding it tightly to his chest. “Oh God…” His voice was horse, basically a whimper.
“John, hey hey,” Alex sat up, coo’ing quietly. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re laying in bed with me, see? Feel the soft blanket? Remember you wanted the black one but I made us get blue, see, here.” He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.
“D-Dad…h-he would, when a-a storm hit and I-I’d be, the dark! He-He’d lock me in the c-closet and - and it was so dark, oh God.” He had pulled his knees up to his chest, biting his bottom lip, squeezing his eyes shut.
“I know baby I know, but he’s not here. You’re in our apartment, we live a few floors below Herc and Laf. Eliza and Maria live a few blocks down, your siblings live only a few minutes away. Your dad’s not here. He’s not gonna come - he’s never going to hurt you again.”
Alex hopped off their bed, rushing to the small closet. He tore through it blindly, grabbing the soft plushie John had for years - a gift from his mother when he was younger - finding the shaped light as he came back.
He handed John the stuffed turtle, pulling the taller man to his chest. He pushed the button, letting small illuminated stars cover their ceiling. “See? It’s not that bad - you’re laying in a soft bed that cost more than both of our income combined and is bigger than our kitchen.”
John’s face, stuffed down in his blanket, he laughed a bit, small and quiet. Alex signed, wishing the storm would pass soon. He checked the time.
He kissed John’s curls, laying his head against his, running his hands up and down John’s arms.
“Do you wanna talk baby?” He shook his head, shaking slightly as thunder sounded.
Alex’s own anxiety was acting up - he could feel it in his chest, in his mind - but he pushed it away, knowing John was having a harder time than he was. “Do you want me to tell you a story?” Some nights John would request stories, forbidden lovers, happy endings, comedies, anything to distract him.
Another shake of the head.
Almost shly, John whispered. “Can you sing to me?”
“Yeah, yeah course baby boy. Do you have any requests?” He shrugged, and Alex tightened his hold around him.
He thought for a few moments, before a song came to mind.
“You make me smile, You make me sing, You make me feel good everything, You bring me up, When I’ve been down, This only happens when you’re around.” John smiled, head coming up more so from the blanket fort he’d made around himself.
Thunder roared, lightning flashing angrily, and the lights from their room and he could see through the windows flickered.
“And I can’t go on this way, With it stronger every day, But being too shy to say, That I really love you.”
“You’re never shy…” John snorted quietly, and Alex grinned, running his hands through his hair.
“I want to fly Away with you, Until there’s nothing more for us to do, I want to be More than a friend, Until the end of an endless end.”
The storm outside roared, the rain poured, but John was safe. He was warm, held in Alex’s arms, Alex’s sweet voice singing to him.
“And I can’t go on this way With it stronger every day But being too shy to say That I really love you.”
“I really love you too…” John mumbled, kissing Alex’s stomach, loving the bit of pudge his boyfriend had gained.
Alex had moved to lay back, running his hands through John’s hair. “I’ll never be too shy to show I love you…”
Summary: Now you knew it was true. He was cheating on you and you were moving on. Part Four to “Is it?”
AN: Chapter four is here!!! This one is slightly shorter but it was originally combined with Chapter 5. I hope you enjoy it.
Pictures/Artwork/Gifs are not mine. Credit goes to the original owner.
You were due for some male attention. You could use a little confidence booster of being flattered for the night and who could honestly say no to free drinks. Not to mention he was right. You were attracted to him. So yeah, a night of compliments and free drinks from a cute dude was something you could see yourself doing. With the decision made you nodded and squeezed his hand back. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”
Here it was. Your first date with a new man in over 4 years. You hadn’t realized how long that had really been until tonight. You really didn’t know if the dating rules changed that much and were kind of getting nervous. You kept telling yourself to relax and had thrown on some music to take your mind from things as you put on the finishing touches of your make up. You looked in the mirror checking your eyeliner and lipstick as your murmured along to Mila J. You’d blown out your hair and thrown in some curls for a little volume. You ran a hand down the off the shoulder blush chiffon short romper. The sleeves were loose but cuffed at the end. You paired it with a pair of gold hoop earrings, a gold teardrop diamond necklace and nude colored strappy heeled sandals. The sandals helped accentuate your thick shapely thighs and legs. You loved the way the color made your skin popped and almost gave you a soft glow. You nodded to yourself. Yeah, you were about to kill him tonight.
You looked at the clock to check the time you had a few minutes to spare but there was a knock at the door. Jonathan stood on the other side with a small bouquet of flowers and you had to give it to him, the man cleaned up nice. You’d only seen him in casual clothes several variations of jeans and t-shirts but it was clear that he’d put in some effort tonight. His jet-black hair was styled effortlessly but it was the silk button down and black slacks that made you give him another look.
As fine as he looked you couldn’t let his head get too big. “What’d you do? Go play in Jay’s closet?” You said by way of greeting in a teasing tone.
“Now, why you gotta start off clownin me?” He asked as you stepped to the side and let him in the apartment. He had a smile on his face and laughed a little with his words.
You reached for the flowers and was about to say thank you when he pulled them back out of your reach and took a step into your personal space.
“Nah, these were for you but I think I’m going to leave them for you roommate. Anybody puttin up with your mouth clearly needs a thank you.” He said and placing the flowers on the end table next to the couch.
“THANK YOU JONATHAN!” Came a loud voice from down the hall. Clearly, your best friend was ear hustling and was making no qualms about hiding it.
You couldn’t help but laugh and Jonathan just shook his head. He hadn’t met your best friend before but you had a feeling the two of them would hit it off if things progressed that far.
“Are you ready to go?” You asked picking your clutch up off the same end table. He nodded and you gave a last “Bye Nosey!” before you two headed out the door.
“I’ll have to remember that she likes to listen in.” He said as he helped you into the car. That was earning him brownie points. Jonathan might be more of a gentleman than you expected.
“Why is that?” You asked once he was in the car and driving off.
He let his eyes hungrily start on your thighs and slowly travel up your body before he smirked more to himself than anything. “Just food for thought.” He answered.
You sucked your lips between your teeth and tried to act like that look hadn’t damn near ignited your panties.
You’d asked where you were going as you drove into a part of town you were very familiar with. There was a club not too far from where you currently were that Jihoon and the guys liked to visit. In all honesty, it was in a busy part of Seoul but that was just some drama you were not in the mood for. The last thing you wanted was to see Jihoon and have some bullshit pop off.
Jonathan just gave you a “You’ll see” and see you did. There was a tiny little restaurant that he’d chosen.
Dinner was going great. Jonathan kept you laughing while allowing the conversation to steer to heavier topics to let each of you feel the other out. Not only that but he’d managed to stoke that little fire he ignited in the car. He sat adjacent to you at dinner. At first you thought it was kind of odd but decided to let it go. Now, you understood why he’d picked that spot. All through dinner he’d given you small touches. It started with occasionally grabbing your hand, then it moved to speaking low and directly into your ear. He’d been close enough for his lips to almost graze it. His hand rested on the back of your chair and he would rub his thumb in slow deliberate circles in the middle of your back just above the top hem of your romper. The looks he was giving you though…Ohhh wee those looks. Lawd, if he sat back and bit his lip one more time. Not to mention he’d arch his hips forward just a bit like he was offering up his lap as a seat for you.
He’d just given you another one of those looks when you decided you wanted to hear him say the words. “Why do you keep looking at me like that? Over there looking like you hungry or something.”
He released a dry laugh and that smirk that you’d seen throughout the night came back. He took a sip of his drink before placing it back on the table and leaning in close again. His voice lowered an octave and put his hand back on the spot. “I know it’s only date one and I’m trying my hardest not to make a complete ass of myself.” This time he allowed his lips to graze the shell of your ear. “But I can’t help but think about where I want to start when you feel comfortable enough to let me in. I’ve thought about starting at your mouth…or maybe your breasts.” He let his hand slide across your back and the tips of his fingers rested just between the space where your arm lay against your torso. “Or if I should go straight for the honey pot.” You weren’t sure when but his other hand slipped beneath the table and was trailing the outside of your thigh. “My mind can’t help but wonder when you sittin over here looking like the sun personally took time to kiss the melanin in your skin.” He ended this little verbal assault with a kiss to the spot just beneath your ear. “That’s all.” He said and sat back like he’d done nothing to note.
You crossed your legs and gave your thighs a squeeze to try and relieve some of the ache growing there. Of course, this did nothing to help. So, you took a sip of icy water and cleared your throat. Jonathan sat back and looked smug.
That concluded dinner and you were exiting the restaurant hand in hand. Then it happened. Of course, it did. Why not? As big as this city was, as many people there were milling about you. YOU had to run into C Jamm. You’d been laughing at something Jonathan said when you’d heard him say “Ay, man. What’s up?” to someone. You followed his line of sight and saw C Jamm standing in front of you.
It wasn’t that you weren’t happy to see him but that you knew he was going to tell Jihoon. You wouldn’t expect anything less seeing as how close the two of them were. You’d said hi, exchanged hugs and see ya laters. You were determined not to let what could happen mess up your night.
Jonathan asked if you thought anything would come of that little meeting. You told him you didn’t think it’d amount to anything more than a text message or another phone call but that was it.
He was currently seeing you to the door and it was nice to have a man opening doors for you and seeing you upstairs. You didn’t realize just how relaxed things with Jihoon had gotten. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for you to head home without him. Now, you understood why he’d become increasingly ok with that but it was a lesson learned.
You’d turned to give the usual ‘This was nice/I had a wonderful time’ end of date speech. Jonathan apparently had different plans for you. He’d pulled you close into a hug. His hands were low on your back and said, “Remember what I told you.” He then kissed that same spot and nipped your ear. You took a deep breath and inhaled his cologne but before you could respond he was pulling away and walking down the hall.
Six years old and I’m
wishing for a sister I’ll meet twenty years later
as she raises my bell jar, Southern California summer
night air inhaling waxing moonlight on a
warehouse parking lot; jazz singer improvising inside quick
breathed like anxiety then long sweet note of
relief. She floats like a butterfly over cracked concrete, and
stings no one. The Venus symbol on her
necklace promises sisterhood like I’ve read
about and dreamed of.
She laughs dark like the
dregs of black tea after we miss our exit for
the fifth time, high and circling the freeways talking about
boys and patriarchy and the doom of our bodies. We smoke
cigarettes, smiling, arrive late to the show, sew
up the unspilled gossip from our mouths like the
fluff of a broken teddy bear.
A noose hangs from the tree
in whose shade we sit, planning our spells for the
full moon. She draws a sigil; it is yonic, delicate and
rough, with hints of schoolgirl and Valkyrie. I record our
goals as incantations; we decide to do two for now,
because there will be more time later, for the
rest of our ideas.
The sunscreen in my purse
goes unused and I burn smoking the delicate spliffs
she rolled in the shade under the beach’s pier.
Wandering through the neighborhood we stop at a liquor store
surrounded by homes, families celebrating what she and I
know isn’t freedom. She covers the cost of booze and the
Uber ride to the wrong restaurant. We take the only photo we
will ever take together; it vanishes twenty four
The steam of boiled roses
lingers inside of her apartment with the bubbling music she
made after rehab, the sounds she said were of her learning to be
happy; we splash ourselves with the home made flower water, light
candles, draw symbols in salt, chant one spell in unison and the
other independently. She cleans up faster than I’d like, but the
surprise is soothing: we cake our faces in cold
green mud, get stoned, and discourse about our ancient
foremothers discovering doing the same.
It is Monday night so I go
home early. She waves, standing under a silver moonbeam, and
she is smiling and she calls me sister before she says goodbye. I
drive away wondering if this is what family
should feel like; she will be dead before I know the answer.
Dear God, I am heartily sorrysorrysorry— No, I said it wrong, I am heartily sorrysorrysorry— no, sorrysorrysorry— no—
And on my knees with my face pressed into the carpet I beg for forgiveness next to a wine stain; God, if anyone has inadvertently poured out the blood of Your Son Jesus Christ put their sins on my back and forgive me for the iniquity, no— forgive me, no— forgive me— no—
And I’ve drawn lopsided crosses in permanent marker up my forearm like tribal tattoos— is that pagan? I am heartily sorry— and pause mid-sentence to kiss the faded ink; I try to do it casually, but can’t miss the confusion in the other person’s eyes, the uncomfortable shifting of foot to foot as they wonder who I am (a freak?).
And when I try to explain explain explain how my brain works on a loop like a gasoline fire burning a circle around a chapel, like the round communion wafer splashing into wine, like the ‘a’ in alpha, the ‘o’ in omega— but everyone just says, OCD doesn’t work that way.
So I must be doing something wrong wrong wrong if this is not the door-locking, hand-washing flip the light switch fifty-four times that they are used to, yes, I must just be more sinful than everyone else and deserve this, the bricks on my back; or perhaps I have been awakened: Forgive me my ingratitude.
And years later people ask me why I can’t look at blood or step foot in a church, why I cringe at every mention of Revelation— well well well— No, wellwellwell— No, wellwell well wellwellwell well no well no well no well I just close my eyes and cover my ears, and as the voices of the angels buzz again, I just say that All is well.