So there was light and there was a big smacking key called the X-Blade to protect the light. The light got named Kingdom Hurt me more, but people began to get all touchy and emotional and human because wow, why did we think having everyone in different unions would be a good idea. Well guess what, THERE MIGHT BE A TRAITOR FROM THE DARK, OH SNAP. Also the main master just fucking evaporated into the atmosphere and we now need to all fight each other because a fucking book said so.
Well, these kiddos who didn’t fight ‘cause they’re cool managed to survive the literal nuclear war that apparently happened and 5 specific little 10-year old fucking children are chosen to lead the world on. But at some point they fucked up and everything got worse because shit darkness, use the X-Blade so we ca- NO NOT LIKE THAT
SOME TIME LATER…
The dwindling wielders of the Keyblade, that weapon that fucked up everything, have to train new Keyblade wielders and there’s this one kiddo who was actually from the Keyblade War who was being trained. But then he fucked up a thing and his Master Fucknort decided “fuck you, you suck, go die” and stole half of his life force because edgy memes.
So then this cinnamon roll is assigned to a new master Square with training friends Water and Rock. But Rock is an edge-lord and has a thing for darkness while Water is just trying her best and failing horribly. The 3 end up falling into Fucknort’s plan with Cinnamon Child being forced to fuse with his half-heart and then kill himself, Rock had his body taken away and his mind shoved inside a suit of armor and his heart shoved in the Darkness and then he nearly killed Water, but Water won the fight, but then she threw herself in the edgy darkness because ?????
oh yeah cinnamon roll shove his consciousness inside a 4-year old and unintentionally possesses them kinda maybe
SOME TIME LATER…
Dorkupine McBananashoes gets booted off the island he lived on with a fucking key and starts on a hunt for his friends. But OH NOES, HE’S A CHOSEN ONE CAUSE he has a giant fucking key. So he has to defeat the edgy shadows because the key is good at it and oh yeah Disney
BUT THEN! Edgy friend gets JEALOUS because the Dorkupine has a key, so then he goes to the edgy shadows and their evil master Disney Villain. But then he gets possessed by Satan and shit really hits the fan.
Dorkupine ended up somehow inhaling The Girl’s life force into his body and now has to release it to wake her up. but shit he killed himself
BUT HE DIDN’T HAHAHAHA pretend that didn’t happen
NOW KILL SATAN AND RELEASE THE LIGHT IS LIGHT
also feelings because wow you didn’t think you’d, cry did you
On the journey to find the Jealous friend, Dorkupine’s balls drop and he goes through puberty in one night and he FINDS THE NOT-SO-EDGY CASTLE.
in that castle, gay people of darkness attack and threaten to kill The Blonde Girl who is important to Dorkupine but she’s not important because she doesn’t exist and what the fuck, we’re going to sleep, okay bye
Jealous friend actually survived being possessed??? But the ghost of Satan still haunts him until OHOHO MICKEY MOUSE saves his cute ass along with BANDAGE FACE MAN and The Blonde Girl
The Blonde Girl tells Jelly Belly to suck it up and help him wake up his friend by going in search of the light or some bullshit, I dunno, he has a cool coat now
ALSO, THIS BLONDE KID, BECAUSE REASONS
Yeah, he’s super cute too, but doesn’t he look familiar, OH YEAH HE’S THE CINNAMON ROLL except he’s not because apparently they’re 2 different people
So Cinnamon Roll 2.0 is brought into a cult alongside Olive Oil and Knuckles and they basically fight edgy darkness to get back their life force or something
But OH NO, OLIVE OIL IS ACTUALLY ARTIFICIALLY CREATED AND NOT GENUINE OLIVE OIL INFUSED WITH VINEGAR. so then she dies and we fucking cry because nothing matters anymore
Cinnamon Roll 2.0 gets betrayed all over the place and just wants to be happy, but noooope time to go back to Dorkupine, you little shit
Cinnamon Roll 2.0 gets reset to Summer Basics and goes through 6 Days of Hell by being betrayed by his “friend”, finding out he never existed, and that he’s going to die
DORKUPINE WOKE UP AFTER ASSIMILATING WITH THE CINNAMON ROLL
so then you get on a train and you’re told by Disney Character to go fight more edgy darkness except now there’s a NEW threat… those cool black coats… are dank memers
ALRIGHT GO FIGHT EVERYTHING also here’s some new clothes cause wow you grew
REVISIT DISNEY BECAUSE ????
anyways, fight the edgy darkness, take on the memelords, get confused because what’s going on, WHY IS SATAN BACK, I THOUGHT I KILLED HI-oh it’s just Jelly Bell- JELLY BELLY?!??!
yeah so then you learn about that Cinnamon Roll 2.0 that assimilated with you and how the fuck do you not know about the 4 other fucking hearts inside you, jesus christ
you find The Girl, you find Jelly Belly, you fight a dragon and then you go home because yay the plot is over
BUT IT’S NOT BECAUSE HERE HAVE A LETTER and not be told what it says for 7 fucking years
THERE WAS A JOUNRLAL WITH A DATA DORKUPINE IN IT WHO WAS TRYING TO FIX SHIT BUT THEN GOT HIS SHIT ROCKED AND THEN HE LEARNED HE WASN’T THE REAL DORKUPINE AND THAT THE REAL DORKUPINE wow he’s gonna go through hell lmao good luck bro
SO THEN JELLY BELLY AND DORKUPINE GET CALLED IN FOR THE KEY BEAM TEST AND THEY go to fucking sleep
i’m not kidding they have to go to dream disney and free the dreams or some bullshit but OH NO TIME TRAVEL HAS ENTERED THE GAME
so basically dorkupine and jelly belly get sent back in time to when they were booted off the island and then they get new clothes but OH NOES THEY’RE SEPARATED FROM EACH OTHER
but it’s okay because square enix finally looked back and realized how good a franchise twewy really was and they put it in the game isn’t that neat
so basically dorkupine is being manipulated into giving into the egdy darkness and he… actually fucking does jesus christ, so then the cinnamon rolls and olive oil try to save him but wow that’s some EDGY DARKNESS, PHEW
so then jelly belly needs to save his boyfriend’s beautiful ass but he sorta fails because suddenly MASTER FUCKNORT IS BACK???? AND HE HAS 13 VERSIONS OF HIMSELF??? including an insanely sassy young version of himself hot damn
so then you fight a fucking hard boss and you find out that Knuckles never actually died even tho Cinnamon Roll 2.0 and Dorkupine sorta made him commit suicide but hey it’s okay now RiGhT?/
so then you dive into your boyfriend’s heart and save him from his nightmares because wow this kid has fucked up nightmares, is he okay
and then you’re told about ol’ master Water who’s stuck in darkness because she saved Jelly Belly’s ass a year ago and he gets super fucking pissed about it and goes to help her
Then Dorkupine is told he sucks cause he gave into the darkness and he actually looks like he’s crying god help this child
SO THEN HE TRIES TO FIX IT AND
would you look at that, it’s almost time for KINGDOM HEARTS III TO COME OUT