From time to time, I experienced this “break down”. It doesn’t always happen, but when it strikes, it feels like parts of me are malfunctioning.
Imagine that you are on your table staring at a blank white paper trying to produce work, and then a hundred things abruptly start to race to your mind. Things like self doubt, fears, deadlines, incapabilities, imperfection…and even irrelevant thoughts like a guilty feeling of eating the whole box of chocolate biscuits that late night. Those all get real messy and mixed up. You don’t know why you feel that way, but suddenly the white blank paper become so, so daunting…Now you get sweaty palms and you just can’t start anything cause in the back of your mind, you tell yourself that whatever you’re about to do will be a mistake.
It could go on for days, or even weeks. You feel extremely uninspired, always bored, you also eat snack excessively even when you don’t feel like eating at all. The worst of all is you get nothing done cause whenever you’re about to start, the mixed up thoughts race in like crazy again—and that added to the whole depressed feeling for not being productive.
“James,” you spoke to your son quietly, keeping
your hand over his as you tried to wake him. Bruce was lifting his
sedation very slowly so that the boy didn’t panic and cause any further damage
to the compound, and you had hoped that the sound of a familiar voice would
help to ease him back to wakefulness. Bucky was sitting on his other
side, keeping a hand on him as well; with each utterance of his name, the two
of you looked at each other with a hint of fear and apprehension as to what you
were going to do once he was awake.
People keep saying Episode 10 was like a fanfic, and I keep laughing because it’s such an apt description. Everything went right, Victor and Yuri actually got engaged, there was pole dancing, there was someone making a confession and then forgetting about it, there was a bad boy on a motorcycle who saved the angry smol one… everything about this episode felt like it was straight out of a quirky coffee shop AU or something, and it was glorious.
I am struck though, thinking more deeply about it, about how it is actually really fucking meaningful that the episode felt like a fanfic.I read once about how queer people and other marginalized communities flock to fanfic because it’s the only place where we can regularly see stories play out which actually speak to and from our experiences. In that way fanfic has always been revolutionary, no matter how poorly written, because of the way it places front and center the stories we wish the mainstream media would tell, but who systematically refuse to.
And again and again, we’ve been heartbroken when the mainstream media baits us, when yet again the guy falls in love with the girl and saves the day, when yet again a person of color is the “sidekick”, when yet again queer subtext and trans-bodies were used as punchlines, when yet again “diversity” meant having diverse characters as the backdrop to straight white leads. So we went back to fanfic and wrote our silly coffee shop AUs because we were heartbroken and sick, and we got uncomfortable when our friends kept going on and on about the TV shows which are supposedly “so good” which, when we watched them, bored us because it was the same fucking story over and over again, and that story didn’t speak to us at all.
I think what feels special about Episode 10 is, instead of giving us fodder to write fanfiction with, it simply gave us what we actually wanted. We’ve spent so much time latching onto a suggestive look between two side characters, or an ambiguous moment at the end of Legend of Korra, or a slightly suggestive one-liner, and we’ve used those tiny moments to write the stories we always wanted to see play out. But Kubo-sensei saw that we dying for something more concrete, and gave it to us. So when we saw the episode, it felt like a fanfic, because it was telling the story we actually wanted to be told.
So yeah. Episode 10 was like a fanfic, but not just because it was quirky and fun and had an engagement scene in a freaking Spanish church. It felt like a fanfic because a mainstream genre show actually told a story to us. Thank you Kubo-sensei - you and the whole production team for YOI have singlehandedly saved 2016 from being the absolute worst year.
no brain, I am not going to a short comic about Benny Topling just because you thought of an idea I have other things to do things that are related to things that I should be doing no stop with the idEAS godDAMNit
… but I’m going to have to do it or it’ll bug me until 3am
and the fucking guilt mixed w/ fear when you made a mistake like broke some glass and it feels like you disappointed everyone you know and you try to hide it bc you don't want them to shout at you or punish you and then you get anxious they will notice and life in fear for the next months all because of the one fucking thing you did wrong. fucking psychoterror or whatever thats called
that is one of the W O R S T.
it gets to the point where i feel guilty for attempting to take care of myself and do activities i find enjoyable because all i can imagine is me somehow being punished for not being constantly productive for someone else and when i’m at my worst i feel like i cannot do anything at all and just let my health rot which then causes me to not be able to effectively do anything for anyone let alone myself.
protip: don’t make your kids ever feel like this because it takes years and years of hard work to begin to make it go away and for things to feel ok again.