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How To Kill Yourself

Have you ever wanted to just end it? Have you ever said to yourself “I’ve had enough” or “I don’t want to live anymore”? It happens.  To others, more times than we would want to admit. It used to be just a fleeting thought but somehow, lately, you’ve been thinking about it more and more. Waking up, walking the dog, taking a shower, watching TV and before going to bed.  Same thoughts. It won’t go away.  So let’s end this, shall we?

This is a guide on how to kill yourself.

Let’s start with HOW.

Oh, there are so many ways.  Let’s talk about it one by one and examine them up close.  

Slitting ones wrists.

Vertical or Horizontal?  No one’s really sure.

Left or Right? Both? Damn.

How many times? Once? Twice? Three times? Jeez.

Razor or Knife?

All that blood though. Gross. Who’s going to clean it all up?  Just think about the person whose job is to clean up all your blood. Maawa ka naman.  

Slitting ones wrists.

 Next.

Jumping off a building.

Head first or feet?  Do I do a triple loop somethin’ somethin’?  I mean, I’m going to die anyway so might as well.  On the other hand, are you serious?  I mean, why do people do this in the first place?  When I hear about someone who jumped off a building, the first thing that comes to mind is SPLAT! Not a pretty sight.

Jumping off a building.

 Next.

Electrocution via bathtub.

Toaster? Blowdryer? But seriously, who has a bathtub? And do you really want to be shaking like that while your insides burn while waiting to die – NAKED?  It’s just too much going on on this one.   

Electrocution via bathtub.  

Next. 

Gunshot to the head.

What type of gun should you use? Do you have a gun? Where can one get a gun? How long does it take to get a gun?  You need a license for that right? Ugh, nevermind. Also, SPLAT.

Gunshot to the head.

Next.

Drug Overdose.

Gagastos ka pa ba?

Drug Overdose.

After all that’s said and done.  Let’s discuss WHEN would be the best time to kill yourself.

January – New Year

People will be too busy to care because they’re all going to be invested in themselves and their own self improvement.  Sorry, no time for you.

February – Valentine Month

Everyone’s in-love or just in the mood to be in-love. Pang BV ka lang if ngayon mo pa gawin

March – Graduation Month

Everyone’s busy practicing for graduation, finishing their resumes and looking for jobs. And March? Nothing really happens on the month of March. 

April – Summer

Too hot to be dead.  Who’s going to attend your wake when it’s too hot outside to even do anything? No one’s going to show up.

May – Fiesta

Fiesta nga eh. Makikain ka nalang sa neighbor mo. Sayang ang free food. Let’s just check next month.

June – School year begins

Everyone’s excited to be in school. If you die, walang mag aabsent.

July – Cinemalaya season

I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t miss this for the world. If you don’t know what this is, just check it out before killing yourself.  You won’t regret going, I swear.

August – Habagat season (Linggo ng Wika din)

 It’s too cold outside. They would rather sleep than go to your wake. Or others might go to Baguio. Not everyone will be able to attend. Remember, this only happens once. You only die once so make it count.

September – Habagat season (Check August)

October – Halloween

What? Miss the chance to see drunk people while wearing funny, dumb and crazy costumes? It’s gold. No one should miss such an epic event.

November – All Souls Day (Araw ng mga patay)

Redundant. Wag nalang.

December – Christmas

Really? Just think about the presents.

Alright, now that you’ve decided when to kill yourself, let’s discuss WHY you want to kill yourself.

Are you sad?  Do you feel like no one really cares and loves you anymore? I get you. We all feel that sometimes. We all feel alone sometimes. It’s just how it is. One day, when everything is right again, you’ll realize that the people you thought didn’t love you actually love you. It’s just a feeling, it will go away. It changes. You have to realize that everything can and will change. Feelings don’t stay the same forever.  

Do you hate your parents and your life in general? Hate is such a strong word. My take on the word hate is that sometimes it’s a good thing to hate. At least you know that you still feel something. You can still change how you feel as long as you still feel it. (Feel feel feel. Puro feel.)

Do you hate the way you look and feel right now?  Just focus on the words “right now”. It’s just for right now and you can always, always change what is right now.  

Do you feel like there are a lot of things missing from your life (like a lot a lot)?  It always helps to count the things you have and you’re grateful for. It helps to remember those things and to hold on to them as tight as you can as to never lose grip of what’s real. You can always get the things that are missing right now. But you have to remember to hold on to what you have now because we don’t want to them to join the “missing file”. You have to hold on to them, cherish them and love them forever.  

So WHY do you want to kill yourself?  I want you to think about it real hard.  You can’t do it and regret it after because you’d already be dead.  You can’t undo it because you’d already be dead. You’d already be dead! Now what? It sucks when life keeps giving you a hard time.  But you have to keep one thing in mind before you actually think about doing it once and for all. Hope. Hope that things might get better. Hope that if you decide not to kill yourself today that tomorrow and the days after that, you won’t have to think about killing yourself anymore.

So I said this is about how to kill yourself. Because I know that that’s all we think about sometimes. How do I do it? How will I do it when I finally decide to kill myself? This just made us realize what will happen when we decide to end it all. When we decide to give up, what happens next? But instead of thinking about how you can kill yourself, think about what you can do to stop thinking about ending your life. It’s your life anyway. If you don’t like what’s happening now, just change it. Do something different that will keep yourself alive. Don’t give up. Suicide is for quitters. Don’t be a quitter. Stay alive.  

So if you’re reading this today, don’t kill yourself today. If you think about it again tomorrow, read it again tomorrow. Just don’t, okay?

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