been wanting to make this for a long time now

Japan Trip 2017 log

I’m back from my Tokyo (and Yokohama) trip AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

This is the first time I managed to go with friends and plan my own trip! Since all the times I’ve been to Japan I’ve only visited the countryside and not Tokyo, I was really excited. It’s like a dream come true!! I wanted to log in my incredible experience somewhere, and leave this as a gesture of gratitude to everyone who helped make this trip possible. To those curious, beware my spastic commentary and plush toys photobombing every now and then

I travelled with @selinawen and @b-sim was very very kind to let us bunk in with her during her stay. We’re very thankful uwu

 Spoilers More under cut (Warning: It’s long)

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hey so i have a bunch of ideas for animation to do but because of where i am right now in my life/career i feel like the next thing I make can’t be a parody/joke/tribute thing, it has to be something completely original and serious so i can prove myself as a director and get into film festivals and stuff like that. I’ve known what i want to do visually for a really long time but i don’t have any story ideas which is why I haven’t been able to make anything

it’s also why i haven’t finished the senpai club episode yet, I’ve had the script, voice acting and music ready for months but I want to start something else before ending senpai club so there’s more of a soft crossfade-y transition to whatever i do next on YouTube rather than a hard break

what should i do

does anyone still want me to write some avoidant trini headcanons? as in, making a list about trini having avoidant personality disorder. its been two months since ppl asked and its been so long it felt too late. i still have the wip but im thinking about starting from scratch again

Taints of Majesty - A Ficlet Written for Elsanna Week

Note: I have wanted desperately to write ficlets for Elsanna Week, but my lack of faith in my own writing has been a crippling me. Tonight, I now present you with this and I hope you will enjoy. Most especially, I hope @pankite @baku-babe @olofahere @yet-another-elsanna-victim @super-mam-te-moc @etrnl-aria-frozen @arendorable @forkanna @canitellusmthin @elsannafondue @spooths @ahallister and @therewillbesparkles will enjoy.

I put my heart into this. As it is my first completed work in a long time, I hope you might comment on this and tell me if you like it. It will make my efforts feel worthwhile. Thank you.

***   

In the cool of the night, the queen and princess of Arendelle make their way up mountain paths to a secluded spring.

Nestled in the moss-green rock, the spring is a place of peace. To rule, royals must bear the weight of their nations’ sorrows, pains, and hopes as peasants bear the weight of sacks upon their backs; but here, Elsa and Anna can find freedom from the burdens of the state. They know they shall return to their realm at daybreak, giving themselves over to the people who need them more than anything. It is their duty, and neither of them reproaches that duty. Until the golden sun pierces the horizon, however, they will live for themselves alone.

Elsa disrobes and sinks into the water, shutting her eyes. The spring burbles in a gentle melody and Elsa lets her mind stray, lets her thoughts begin to melt into the burbling’s steady rhythm… She hears a soft splash – in her dreamy haze, it seems far away – and feels Anna’s warm body press against hers. Anna’s skin is so soft, and warmer than the warmest spring. Elsa moans with pleasure as her sister’s kisses flutter up her shoulder and onto her neck. Her head falls backward at the edge of the pool. Eyes still closed, her world is composed of sensation – sound, sensual touch, and the blur of colors that seem to dance above her shadowed lids.

Anna’s hands roam beneath the water. Elsa’s eyes finally snap open and she lets forth a shuddering gasp – partly in euphoric pleasure, partly in awe of the vision above her.

Her face upturned to the heavens, Elsa beholds the blaze of the Northern Lights – a celestial fire cascading over a celestial sea, its tongues of flame rippling through waves of icy blue. The waves do not purge the brilliant fire, but mingle and streak through it like some reversal of the Red Sea’s parting. Where in Exodus the blue waters were divided, here the great flashes of orange and yellow are split by rushes of turquoise and green. Colors swirl and dance. They die away only to burst forth more vibrantly than before.

The aurora bathes the sisters in its radiance. Elsa, overwhelmed, is half-conscious of the way the lights are reflected in the pool, the way they dance in patterns over Anna’s nude body.

Ecstasy ripples through Elsa, and when she returns to earth, she feels her heart beating like thunder. Beside her, Anna is smiling – smiling and positively glowing.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Anna whispers.

You’re beautiful,” Elsa murmurs, saying it almost instinctively, for she knows that Anna is beautiful – more beautiful even than the splendor above them both.

Then she kisses Anna deeply, and her own hands slide over Anna’s soft skin once more, finding sweet and tender places to give her exquisite joy.

At last they rest, lying on their bellies and looking upward to get the best view of the lights. Their pale bottoms bob above the warm water, shimmering and winking in the divine glow.

They stay like this for a long while, basking in serenity.

Tomorrow, all of this will be over. They will go down the mountain and be bound to their kingdom once more. But even then, they will have the remembrance of this wondrous night in their hearts.

sloth blog update

If you’ve followed me long enough or have talked to me before you know I’m nowhere near as active as I used to be on this site or the communities here (if I ever was lmao). This is mainly an update post on how to contact me more than anything.

If you have questions/comments/feels you want to scream at me try tumblr IM or my twitter!!

EDIT: My twitter is the first 🌱 emoji in my sidebar, I just prefer not linking it on a rebloggable post lol. It should be clickable on both desktop and mobile versions.

Some unnecessary personal updates/explanations below the cut for those who’re curious.

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Quotes from Harry Styles’ Interview

Writing for his album

“I started the album end of Feb last year for about three weeks and then had to stop for about 5 months when I went to do a movie. I came back to it in July and finished writing it in December. For a while before all I thought about it was stressing about what it was going to be. It gave me a chance to completely step away from it for a bit and have a real break. By the end of the movie, because we were swimming so much I just wanted to write songs…I think we wrote about 70 songs - we did 50 songs and ideas in Jamaica and that’s including like little ideas. Well full songs, I say there are 30 songs probably. One of the songs on the album, I wrote a few years ago.”

On his album

“I was with the guys who I was writing it with and we just wanted to make what we wanted to listen to and that has been the most fun part for me about making the whole album. In the least weird way possible, it’s my favourite album to listen to at the moment… I hope we did a good job but I really like the album so I hope people like it. I think if you put out something that you don’t stand behind and really love, then if it doesn’t go well then you could regret not doing what you wanted to do. Whereas if nothing happens with it, I love it you know so I think that’s what you should do. I think that’s been my favourite part to the overall thing is listening to the album and making all the changes – it has been fun to watch over it all.”

Writing in Jamaica

“I just wanted to not be somewhere that I’d get distracted. It was 360 of writing, you’d go home for dinner, write at the house then go back to the studio. I liked being away from everything and doing it like that.”

About his debut single

“It’s a bit weird, I feel like I’ve been hibernating for so long now and you hear it in the safety of the studio and now it’s time to give birth … it’s the song (debut single) I’m most proud of writing.”

About making it on his own

“I’ve been hibernating trying to get it all ready, that’s been fun, but I like this bit as well. I think it’s gonna be fun, it’s gonna be good. It’s not like I’m travelling on my own now, I have a band and everything and they’re amazing.”

Ed Sheeran

“I played him (Sheeran) a few songs after the album was finished. He didn’t say that he didn’t like any, but he did like one song that isn’t on the album. So I did have a bit of a minute of like hmmm no but…”

On Adele

“I’ve spoken to her a little bit, she knows one of the guys that I wrote it with (his music) a lot. But I don’t think so much advice, I just like how she does stuff. I think she leads by example, she’s the biggest, she’s amazing, she’s the best so she should be the biggest. The thing with her is she’s a different thing, she’s just good at it, I like how she does everything, it looks very nice. For my 21st she gave me one of her albums 21 and said, ‘I did some pretty cool stuff when I was 21, good luck’ and I was like, 'geez’.”

On Dating

“I haven’t dated in a long time really because I went away to do the movie then did the album so I haven’t in a while. I have a couple of candles left still though. 

Whether dating when famous is hard

“I don’t know, maybe. I feel like with all of the stuff how people date now, with all online stuff, I feel like you can do that (Google) with anyone really if you’re looking at someone’s profile before seeing them. It’s kinda the same… No, I used to (research dates), then I said I’m not going to do that anymore, it’s impossible to go in without a perception of someone and you’ve never met them and I started feeling like that was wrong and weird. I think I snore, and also I quite like routine, so I don’t know if I’m ­incredibly spontaneous.”

Cutting his hair for Dunkirk

“I felt very naked for a while. I was like yeah, I’ve gotta shave my hair off. It wasn’t a hard decision, it got made into a wig.”

Why he rarely tweets

“I don’t like saying something for the sake of it.”

Life at home and work

“The first time I went home not wearing trainers, I was in a pair of boots. Someone said, ‘What the bloody hell are they?’ I like to separate working and being at home with family.”

Staying grounded

“It’s easier in the way that I like to separate stuff from working and being at home with family and stuff. When you separate it it’s easier to see it for what it is. When you let it become everything and that’s your whole life, then it’s easy to get a bit lost in it. I’m lucky, I have amazing friends and my family’s amazing so I think they make it easier to keep the separation between the two which makes it easier for me.”

Being nervous about playing his music to others

“I think it’s nerve-racking in that I’ve only played it to like 10 people in a room. I try and not be there if I’m playing it…”

His mother and step-father’s reactions to the album

“I played the album to them the first time and there’s one song that’s got a vocal effect on it, the whole album finished then my stepdad said: ‘I’ve one question, where did you get the duck from, how did you get a duck in the studio?’ I was like: ‘That was me, thanks’. My Mum liked it which was handy. She cried a couple of times which was good, I think that was good.”

Musical Influences

“I think it’s hard to not have influencers from what you grew up listening on. I think everyone reacts differently to different types of music. I had a good range between my mum and dad… my dad listened to Fleetwood, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd and Queen. My mum was like Norah Jones and Savage Garden. There are a lot of melodies there.”

Being starstruck by other celebrities

“I remember the first time we went to an awards show in the US, we met Will Smith. It was a brief meeting – he was nice and very tall.”

Addressing the rumour about getting a sheep placenta facial

“No I’ve never had a sheep placenta facial.”

Rumours about Hobama

“I’m not allowed to talk about that.”

Rumour on taking his dates on helicopter rides

“No I’ve never done that,” Harry says, with Grimmy responding: “Not even with Barack?”

“No,“ Harry says. “It was his helicopter, haha.”

Talking about Chris Martin

“He’s lovely isn’t he? He is good at telling you to take care of yourself. I think he makes sure you are alright and is very zen. I think he is a pretty wonderful man.”

On Ronnie Wood

“Big fan, I love Ronnie Wood – I think I met him at a dinner party a few years ago and went to a couple of Stones shows…I think he is the nicest.”

Interviewing Paul McCartney for his Another Man issue

“It was amazing – his voice sounds like a song.”

Loving scented candles

“I mean I think everyone loves scented candles. But I usually take one from home if I’m travelling.”

About sprouts being the new kale

“I went two days ago. I got some spinach, eggs, OJ, milk, turkey and some brussels sprouts. Hmm what else did I buy…oh some Crème Eggs. I like putting sprouts in a curry and I like sauteing them. I think they are going to be the new kale. I met [someone] and I asked her what she did and she said ‘I’m the PR lady for Kale’ and I was like ‘good job then.”

Talking about his four nipples

“Still got them, managed to keep them. Maybe I just hide them in limited edition albums, like golden tickets. I’ll hold onto them.”

Best trait

“Best trait I don’t know, it’s weird to pick your best, shall we go with the nipples thing.”

On where not to ask him for a selfie

“I think in toilets is the weirdest one. It’s happened a couple of times… When someone tries to shake your hand right after having a wee, ‘I might wash my hands first’.”

About Liam’s son and being a potential godfather

“I spoke to Liam and he’s loving it. He said it’s going really well and everyone’s great. So I’m very happy for him. I think it’s a roll of the dice, there are a lot of people Liam has in mind. I’m not going to add any extra pressure. If it came my way I would be honoured.”

Truth or Truth

Requested anonymously: A one shot where the reader has never been able to orgasm through masturbation. When Dean finds out, he offers to help.

Warning: smut, masturbation

Word Count: 2300

A/N: Hope you enjoy, anon! XOXO

“Truth or truth?” Dean asks, grinning a little sideways in that way that lets you know he’s just the right amount of drunk.

Truth or truth is the game you play when you’re both feeling a little wound up, needing to blow off some steam. You’re too old for stupid dares and too nervous for dares that might actually make you touch each other, so you settle for sticking to truths. It never amounts to anything, but you both enjoy the sexy words said in the dark as you lie together on one bed, a bottle being passed between you, like you have a life and a personality outside of monsters.

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history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

malec-go-to-hogwarts  asked:

hi cassie :) i've been a fan of the books since 2010 and it's been amazing to see how much they've grown in terms of popularity and audience. I would love to know whether you came up with the idea to write the eldest curses because of how popular Magnus became and the reaction to him or was the idea in your head from the beginning and you decided to finally write it :) also could i be cheeky and ask for a snippet from the lost book of the white preferably featuring Alec....

I was excited to write the story of Magnus and Alec Having An Adventure and Falling More In Love for a very long time, but my ability to do so was limited by the way publishing and distribution worked back in 2005, when I was initially trying to sell City of Bones. There was a lot more resistance to gay characters in YA at that time. A couple of publishers turned the book down because Alec, a gay character, was in it. The Barnes & Noble website page for City of Bones included a review from Commonsense Media where they gave it a content warning for “sexual content” just because of the presence of a gay character even though he never did anything sexual. A lot of big box stores refused to carry the book, and major children’s book clubs passed it over. 


I always hoped for systems to change. As the books grew more popular, and as times changed, I was able to include more of Magnus and Alec as the series went on. In fact, their presence in the story and on the page made a big jump starting in CoFA, at which point I received a surge of criticism from those who were upset that I was writing about Magnus and Alec more prominently. I remember having my books pulled from libraries; foreign translators cut scenes with Magnus and Alec in them; once I was standing in the middle of the street about to get into a car to take me to a school where I was going to do a talk about my books when my publicist came up and said we were no longer invited: the school had read about Magnus and Alec and they didn’t want me there. Or often, if I was at a school, I’d be asked not to talk about Magnus and Alec while speaking to the students.


I tried to walk a careful line, including Magnus and Alec (and later, Aline and Helen) as significant and meaningful characters, but still managing to keep schools, libraries, and reading groups from throwing the books out or locking them up where the kids who most needed to read them wouldn’t be able to access them at all.


I held onto the hope that attitudes would continue to shift, to allow for more freedom to write characters who accurately represent the population of the world we live in (and represent my own friends and family, on whom Alec and Helen specifically are based). Hope that I’d be able to expand roles for characters like Magnus and Alec, and over the past twelve years — partly as I’ve carved out my career in a way where I can take the sales hits that sometimes result from major LGBT+ inclusion, and partly because of so many brave writers, readers, editors and publishers who’ve pushed for change — I’ve been able to do so more and more. 


When I was writing CoFA, I purposefully left a gap where Magnus and Alec go on vacation, with the idea that someday I could go back and fill in that gap with a story focused on them. For a long time that wasn’t something that companies wanted to buy and publish. I could have self-published the series, but I wanted the books on the shelves in stores, on the “bestsellers” rack with every other book I’ve written, making a statement about how much people want this kind of book and these kind of characters. I chose to write the story now when I did because Simon and Schuster, my publisher, opened Saga Press, an imprint dedicated to expanding what you can do in YA and cross-publishing with adult fantasy/sci fi. It’s Saga that will be publishing The Eldest Curses.

I thought a lot about what to say here because of two things: one, that people don’t like to hear about pushback against writing non-straight characters — it’s depressing (it is), it seems distant, unreal, how can these old systems and thought processes still exist? We’ve had successful books with gay characters in them! We’re done, right? I guess all I can say is that I think there’s a value to illuminating the pushback because it underlines how important it is to keep supporting books with LGBT+ characters because we are not there yet; we’re not where those books are give the same budgets and marketing and push as books with straight casts, and it takes the support of readers and reviewers and bookstore and library buyers to get us there.

I’d also say that I know I’ll get criticism for saying I was careful in my portrayal of Magnus and Alec until I felt like I’d gotten to a place where even if the fact that they were in love, lived together, even had sex was shown or even just implied (as it is in CoFA) it wouldn’t mean the books were locked up in libraries and slapped with warning labels. I guess I can only say it’s hard to navigate a situation where you fear the very kids who need to read about Magnus and Alec won’t be able to. When you meet kids who say “This book saved my life” so many times, and you think “But what if you couldn’t get to it? What if your school wouldn’t carry it, or your library, or your Walmart, which in small towns is sometimes literally the only source of books?) I accept that criticism. We all face hard choices in life and we make complicated decisions we think are for the best, and being criticized for those decisions is part of living and learning.

I guess the only other thing I’d say is whatever shitty things were said to me over the years about Magnus and Alec, they pale in comparison to the shitty things said to writers like Malinda Lo and Scott Tracey who were writing their own lives and experiences in the form of LGB characters on the page — and as Malinda says, their pain at confronting homophobia/biphobia will always be more visceral and personal than mine.

If you go out and buy The Lost Book of the White of course I’ll be thrilled, and a lot of that will be because it’s a way to show publishers that this kind of media and these protagonists are wanted and desired by readers. But I’d be just as thrilled if you picked up any fantasy by an LGB+ writer with LBG+ characters in it. There’s a ton of wonderful stuff and I hope you’ll explore it.

anonymous asked:

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If you want to get started, you can click HERE to sign up! You will get a $5 bonus just by signing up. And don’t worry, I’ve been doing this long enough to know that it definitely NOT a scam. I’ve been paid by these sites several times over the last few months. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask!

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Hey guys,

So I’m really terrified right now. I wouldn’t be making this post if I wasnt. Last summer I moved to the states in order to attend university here, and it’s been the best choice I’ve ever made. However, I barley make ends meet and I can’t find a job at all and I don’t even have a car so I can’t go long distances for work. This summer, I really want to go back home and spend time with my family, and I can’t stay in Texas anyway because I have to be out of my dorm by May. Anyway, a ticket back home to Egypt is really, really expensive and I’m really trying to come up with the money. I am so, so homesick it’s killing me everyday. This summer my brother is getting married and I really need to be home for that, and I don’t even know where I would stay if I couldn’t come up with ticket money. So, I’m going to put my paypal here and ask for anything, not even alot. If you can’t donate, please reblog this and help me out. I’m so sorry I had to make this post, but I really would appreciate every dollar you guys could give me, or even any happy thoughts ya’ll could send my way <3 thank you!

paypal: amirax319@gmail.com

Me, writing a philosophical literature essay at 3am: 

A long time ago, actually never, and also (now). Nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn’t happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That’s why it’s been everywhere. It’s been so everywhere you don’t even need a where. You don’t even need a when. That’s how every it gets. Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space. And I know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. I just don’t know when to start. 

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

i really like the concept of an ice fighter in overwatch , and thought id give a shot at making one in tf2 ! i havent played overwatch, so uh, i dont exactly have a grasp on what kind of character mei is/ any attacks.

but heres the cryo ! (thats the best name ive got rn, trying to play off of ‘pyro’).

he was an accomplice to medic (hence the similar outfit), and he used to work with him as a sort of mentor, except he actually has a medical license ahahh. at one point the two had conflicting motives to use the australium for. medic wanted to use it to help people, but cryo wanted to harness the power as a weapon, as he found he could use it with liquid nitrogen (*shakes hands mysteriously* cause u know, tf2 universe). this led to them breaking off and continuing their projects alone. the two were hired by mann co, medic first, then they soon learned about cryo through medics records.

he got in an accident when experimenting with the gun and froze his right arm off (definitely not an excuse to give an oc cybernetics.,., cause cybernetics are cool) he reloads his gun with the cell packs on his belt, they slide out and refill through the tubes connected to the liquid nitrogen storage tank on his back. (i’m definitely gonna fix this to actually be accurate,,, and i also havent figured out his attacks yet . may need help with that if anyone has suggestions !!) im still figuring out his design, but im very happy with the way this came out :>

4

hi guys im finally back and i bring kaiai gifs

When the bullshit started, I’m not really sure.  But the tension…?The tension had always been there, although never in front of everyone. Only when we were alone with each other.

It fell like a blanket over us. Thick. Heavy. Strange. Now, I don’t really know about Keith but it wasn’t the kind of atmosphere that made me want to move away from him. Neither did it make me want to move closer. And for a long time, I was fine with us being like that.

Until Shiro disappeared.

I don’t know how the air between us shifted into something awkward and painful but it still didn’t make me want to go away.

Ah, wait, no.That’s not it.

The atmosphere made me want to move close. Closer. Oh, even closer. The silence called out to me and the gap between us was like empty pain. Whatever the hell that meant. Half of my vocabulary got sucked into a wormhole as soon as Keith leaned over and the rest of my sanity followed when I felt his lips on mine.

Clean lineart in my art is rare so here, have a Klance animated GIF. Blaming @shevoj1207 for showing me the Voltron Season 3 “teaser trailers”. I CAN’T EVEN

*flies back to working on commissions*

Owl post

So you know how owls don’t need an address to find the person the letter is addressed to? What if these owls were even cleverer than that?

Imagine Draco, sometime after the war, sitting alone in his flat and not knowing what to do with himself. He feels so empty, but on the other hand, there’s so much he wants to say. But who should he talk to? There’s nobody there. So he just begins writing his thoughts down. Sometimes it’s little poems. Sometimes it’s like he’s writing a journal. And sometimes he writes letters, addressed to no one. He keeps writing every day and whenever he’s finished, he puts the piece of parchment onto the little pile on his desk, where he keeps all his personal writing.

If Draco had been paying more attention, he would have noticed that this pile wasn’t getting any bigger. It stays exactly the same, because his sneaky little owl delivers one per day to the person she thought could help Draco the most.

When she lands on her usual windowsill on Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the window is already open and Harry is smiling at her with a treat in his hand.

“You’re very punctual,” he murmurs as he strokes her feathers. He carefully takes the piece of parchment out of her beak and smiles as she starts nibbling at her treat. Harry suspects Malfoy still doesn’t know that his owl is bringing him these letters.

Harry had been puzzled himself at first, but it hadn’t taken him long to figure out who had written these. After that, he had tried to talk to the owl, tried to explain to her that she must have gotten the wrong address, because surely this wasn’t meant for him.

But the owl had come back every day, bringing Harry another piece of parchment and Harry had found himself mesmerized by them. The poems were heart-wrenching, Malfoy talking about his day made Harry want to go over there and talk to him. But he doesn’t dare. He would have to admit, he read Malfoy’s most inner thoughts without his consent. And Harry doubts, the Malfoy he would be facing would be the same as the Malfoy in these letters.

Sighing, Harry settles down on the couch and begins to read today’s owl post.

I had a dream last night. It wasn’t one of my usual nightmares, but I guess you could still call it that, because this will very likely haunt me for the rest of my days. It was about him. We were younger, much younger. We were on the Quidditch pitch, but not as enemies. We were just flying together, laughing together. It was so strange to see him like this. His eyes didn’t hold the resentment I am used to. He was looking at me like I was his whole world. It still hurts to think about it now. The worst part, however, was the way he cupped my cheeks and smiled at me, right before he kissed me. I could still feel his lips on mine when I woke up. I wasn’t even sure if I had been dreaming or not for a second. Then, reality crashed down on me again. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if he knew. If he had known back then. I’m not sure if it would have made a difference. All he ever did was hate me, just as much as I pretended to hate him. I regret he never saw the truth. All I ever wanted was him. And for one night, my mind granted me that wish. However, I hope it doesn’t happen again. Only if my mind decides to let me dream forever.

Harry feels dizzy when he puts the letter down. It’s true, he never saw the truth, never even knew there was a truth to be seen. He had never thought to look beyond their fighting and mutual obsession. Never thought it could mean something else entirely.

But over the past few weeks, he discovered a whole different side of Malfoy and thereby discovered something about himself. He wants to take Malfoy’s pain away. Maybe he’s been wanting to do that for a while. And now, Harry knows he can.

He jumps up from the couch and locks eyes with the owl, still sitting on the windowsill.

“You clever little thing,” he whispers to her, as he strokes her feathers one more time. She hoots happily, as if encouraging Harry to hurry up. So he does. He hurries out the door, to apparate to Malfoy’s flat. He has no idea how he will do it and how long it will take Malfoy to believe Harry’s intentions are genuine, but it doesn’t matter.

He will do everything he can to make Draco Malfoy’s dreams come true.

anonymous asked:

So, because there hasn’t been a super hero movie with a female star in a long time, they want to segregate men? Yep, that’ll show them! Make it so you get half the money you typically would. Sexist logic. And yet, if the rolls were reversed and theaters stated they were refusing to sell tickets to women for movies like John Wick so that men could have a "Men's Only Showing", then hardware stores would have all their pitchforks and torches bought up in an instant. But please, give us your excuses

You can go to, like, literally any other showing. 

Does it suck having to share your toys with girls now? Yes? Well, let me say sincerely, LOL.