beefy nacho griller

Trying to order off the menu at a KFC/Taco Bell is like being the heroine in a Gothic novel.

No one ever really seeks out the KFC/Taco Bell. One just… finds oneself there. Maybe it’s the only nearby refuge from foul and stormy weather. Maybe you’ve been lost in a strange part of the country. Maybe you were desperate to escape the monotony of your own pantry and too hungry to notice anything strange until it’s too late.

Gothic novels are all about duality and contrast. Life and death… light and dark… nature and human creation… desire and horror… things familiar and foreign… reason and madness… and Taco Bell and KFC, this Frankensteinian beast patched together of elements that were never meant to be brought together.

Colonel Sanders’ white-bearded face looks down reassuringly from the sign, like the friendly elderly housekeeper who invariably greets the heroine of a Gothic novel, giving no hint to the incomprehensible horrors within the edifice. KFC is familiar but bland, so soon your eye creeps to the jumbled right-hand side of the menu. This is your point of no return.

Just as the heroine steps into the forbidden wing of a creaking mansion and finds herself lost in a strange and complicated labyrinth of shadowy chambers, so too do you realize that the Taco Bell side of the menu is maddeningly complex. Unlike the simple KFC side, with its clear letters and large photographs of food, Taco Bell’s menu is swarming with tiny white words like clouds of flies buzzing ominously in shadowy corners.

And these words… they seem at first recognizable yet are meaningless as a coded message smeared on a wall in blood.

Gothic literature is awash in repetition– recurring nightmares, Poe’s raven repeating ‘nevermore’–creating an eerie sense of entrapment and deja vu. Your eyes blur as they scroll through the increasingly meaningless words before you: “Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Beefy Nacho Griller. XL Grilled Stuft Burrito. Beefy FRITOS Burrito. Crunchwrap Supreme. Doritos Locos Tacos. Beef Gordita Supreme.”

Words seem to lose their meaning. You thought you knew what Mexican food was. Tacos, burritos, … yet this is something beyond the scope of your fragile human mind. What is an enchirito? What is a Meximelt? WHAT, in the name of all that is holy, is a Gordita? That word is ever-present as the beating of a telltale heart, yet still utterly without meaning. The sparse pictures accompanying the menu do nothing to answer your questions.

This is when you realize that the listless cover of “New Soul” droning throughout the restaurant is neither in English nor Spanish, but some unfamiliar language. Korean, maybe? Why?

“What do you want?” asks the dead-eyed cashier, yet all you want is to escape back into nature and out of this ungodly artifice masquerading as a restaurant. You hear an unfamiliar voice chanting unfamiliar words, and only barely register that it is yours.

You stand and wait for your food. What language is that song in? Italian, maybe? What is this color scheme? It’s neither Taco Bell’s nor KFC’s. The decor is reminiscent of the waiting room in a doctor’s office where all of the doctors are sinister clowns.

At last, you receive your order and stumble outside into the fresh air. You feel like the sailor in the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, tormented by so many horrors that you can no longer fully relate to the outside world. You are finally free… yet you know that whatever unknown horror you consumed will continue to haunt you before long. Or at least will haunt your digestive system.

Look at the menu in the comments below if you don’t believe me.

anonymous asked:

Why do people make up items on the menu and get made at me when I don't know what the hell they're talking about??? Like no I don't know what a crunchy snacker is, this is Taco Bell read the damn menu and you'll see it doesn't exist! (She wanted a beefy nacho griller BTW not even close)

I mean, I can understand if you just don’t remember what the name of it is (I sometimes have trouble reading menus because the text is small) but if it’s nowhere near then I get it