beef n' cheddar

Last night, I wrote a letter to Arby's

I live directly behind an Arby’s restaurant in Seattle, and every Wednesday in the weeest of wee hours, they receive a rather loud delivery. Because I couldn’t sleep, I decided to turn it into a creative writing exercise, which I then sent to Arby’s Corporate.

My love letter is as follows:

Hey there Arby’s! First, let me begin by saying that, though this may be a complaint, I do so enjoy your curly fries and various sandwiches. So thanks. Now, down to brass tacks. (What does that even mean?!)

Guess what time it is. No, really; guess what time it is! Hint: it’s precisely 2:19am on Wednesday the 26th of March, 2014. Why is this important? Because I’m not sleeping. At all. Like, not even a little bit. And it’s your fault! Let me ‘splain:

At this time every Wednesday morning, I just can’t seem to sleep. Am I troubled by racing thoughts? No. Snoring roommate? Nada. Bunched-up bedsheets? NO, silly! I just washed those.

The reason for my insomnia is that it seems to be triggered by the goddamned LOUDEST delivery people I have ever had the displeasure of not knowing; every SINGLE Wednesday morning, these folks––best and brightest, they––are making a racket that can only be described as a generous portion, much like your Beef 'N Cheddar Classic. You see, I live directly behind your restaurant at ***** Ave, and boy do I regret that.

I mean, these guys––best and brightest––are not only delivering life-sustaining food, but they’re doing it as hard as they possibly can: slamming doors, making some kind of god-awful racket dragging metal across the pavement, and screaming back and forth about which Hollywood starlet they’d like to, well, you know… meet, to put it mildly.

Now hey, I’m perfectly willing to entertain the notion that I have some part in this. I could just move out, maybe start that novel I’ve been meaning to write. But you see, that seems like an overreaction. After all, moving is a lot harder than some guys just trying to be a little quieter when they’re 20 ft. away from a well-occupied apartment building.

Evidently, these men––B&B for short––are now planning on going to the Ethiopian restaurant down the street, which I hear is just lovely.

In summation, oh my god these guys are so loud please make it stop okay thanks

UPDATE: Arby’s just called me! They’re trying to restructure delivery routes and schedules, and they also wanted me to know that everybody at the office got a HUGE laugh out of my letter. They were really great about it, actually. Well done, Arby’s.

And well done, me.