bedroom diaries

i’m in my prime,
not withering and old.
but i refuse to play
your wicked games any longer.

i know this tether is unbreakable,
but you make me feel like i’m interchangeable.
you drew a target on my heart,
when did this become fatal attraction?

i don’t have the strength,
the energy,
nor the patience
to be held hostage by your love.

so baby please don’t despair
when i say that
i’ve found the courage to
let you go.

you were never meant to be tied down in the first place.

—  believing i could love you was my mistake, c.j.n.
Worth It [Jay Park]

Originally posted by korean-hip-hop

Artist: Jay Park | Word Count: 2.037 | Warning: self-hate, insecure thoughts |

My first writing since a few months ago, and I feel kind of rusty. This is kind of angsty but fluffy at the end. Please don’t read this if the warning makes you uncomfortable. I hope you’ll like it:)

***

The sun was shining high in the sky, and the blue sky was clear with a few clouds painted on it. Jay noticed that flowers were starting to bloom again after the harsh winter was gone, and now he totally felt like it was the spring season. People actually looked far more cheerful than they were in winter, taking their time to walk and enjoy the beautiful scenery of plants coming back alive. The black haired college student couldn’t help but jog faster, hoping that he could see a smile as bright as the day in your face. Jay had just finished his class for the day and you had already finished for the day as well, so he thought dropping by for a moment will lift up both of your spirits. Things were hard for the both of you because Jay was a freshman in college, still adjusting with the large difference from high school, while you were in your last year in high school, studying for upcoming tests nonstop.

When Jay arrived at your house, he quickly made his way up to your room since the house was empty. He gave a loud knock on the wooden door, but there was no answer for a few minutes. Jay knocked again while leaning onto the door, trying to catch any sounds inside, but it was dead quiet. His hands quickly held the doorknob and pushed it open, revealing to an empty room. But then he noticed that the windows were left ajar, and your shoes lay below it, meaning that you’ve probably gone to the roof to look at the sky again, a hobby of yours Jay was very fond of.

“I’ll just wait for her to come back down.” Jay muttered to himself, dropping his schoolbag down and taking of his coat. He laid it carefully on an empty seat and made himself comfortable on the bed, taking the view of your room.

Everything was the same as he saw them two weeks ago, except the amount of books that piled up increased far more than before. There were post-it notes all over your desk and wall, where Jay caught that some of them were reminders of upcoming tests and motivation written in messy and rushed handwriting. But then he noticed something peculiar on top of your bag, and Jay swore he never saw it before after thousands of visits to your bedroom.

“A diary?” There was confusion in Jay’s voice as he flipped through the black colored diary, noticing that you have started the diary the month Jay started college. As he flicked through the pages and read as fast as he can, he noticed how the content of your day changed drastically. The first two months were filled with you missing his presence, and you were beyond motivated to get into the same college as him, willing to study hard to get enrolled there. But the next few months grew darker, and Jay wasn’t sure that you were like the person he knew based on what you wrote in your diary.

February 28, 2017

I feel worthless, and going through the days feel so hard when you can’t even keep focus on something for a minute. There were voices pulling me back from the present, and they were telling me the truth: I am nothing, just a waste of space while leeching off my parents’ money, not being able to do anything right, will not be accepted at any university or even get a decent job. I can’t even do anything about it, I can only listen and accept their words because that’s what I am, and I am worthless and pathetic. Why am I still alive anyway?

Jay gulped, his eyes widening in horror as he read every word that you wrote. That was a month ago, and he quickly turned to the page of this month, hoping on to catch what your thoughts were currently on about. When he arrived at the latest page you wrote on, his heart seemed to drop even more.

The entrance test for Seoul National University is getting closer, and all I want is to hide, burry myself six feet under, anything to get me away from it. I’ve been studying, but I can’t seem to focus at all, and I’ve been missing a lot of classes because of a huge drop in my health. I feel numb now, but there was still fear in me. I want this all to end, fast, because everything seems so overwhelming for me. The Earth wouldn’t miss another soul, my parents would be fine they can get rid of their disappointment of a daughter, and Jay won’t come looking for me, right?

“Jay?” When he heard the croak of your voice crash the silence surrounding him, Jay whipped as fast as he can, hiding the diary behind his back and praying that you won’t notice his actions just now.

“Hey love! I decided to come to visit,” Jay tried grinning, opening his arms wide for you to jump into, and when you delved into his arms, he let out a soft sigh, the grin disappearing from his face, “How’s my baby girl doing?”

“I’m barely alive with all the tests coming up, but I think you might be able to calm my nerve-wrecked mind.” Jay could now see through you after he read through your diary, because you sound nothing like you were suffering, because you made it sound like a joke and that you were still fine. But when you tensed as Jay hugged you tighter, he knew you were far from fine.

“Well, are you suggesting we cuddle and take a nap?” You parted away from him and nodded excitedly. But despite the smile that you flashed to him, Jay was so struck with your eyes, the window to your soul. Why does your eyelashes look so wet, and your eyes so empty?

And at that moment Jay threw all the precautions to the air on how to talk about this sensitive topic, because you had been crying alone, and he was always there for you, but he never noticed the changes in your heart. The seconds he spent holding your empty gaze was painful, because they used to be filled with so much emotions before.

“Have you been crying?” Jay asked, his voice in a whisper, “I know you’ve been hiding something from me (Name), something you’ve been very bothered about.” He let his hands wander to your face, his thumb gently caressing your cheeks. It does feel damp, like there were trails of dried tears drying there.

Meanwhile your heart stopped as you stared at Jay’s expectant eyes, then moved to your study desk, where you found your diary laying open. He must have read through it, you cried inside your heart, what a fool for setting such an obvious thing where anyone can see! There was a shot of pain through your heart and you found yourself gasping for air, tears blurring your vision. You took a step back and collapsed down to your bed, your legs not having any power to hold you up anymore.

You worthless and dumb girl. Now you’ve let someone know just how pathetic you really are!

“(Name)!” Jay quickly sat beside you, holding onto your shoulders to stop yourself from shuddering, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to read through it! But it wasn’t there before, and I got curious, and- the thing is, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you at all.” He tried to hold your chin to face him, but you flinched at his soft touch, only pushing yourself farther away from him.

“Don’t touch me,” You croaked, your voice was hoarse as you tried to contain the sobs, “Now that you’ve known what I am, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to call me as your girlfriend anymore.” There was a moment of silence followed suit, and you hid your face further between the curtains of your hair, letting the tears flow freely but not giving a chance for Jay to see your face. Just great, you thought, your world is starting to crumble down further more.

Among the silence, Jay was enraged, he was furious that you said he wouldn’t want to be with you anymore. Now that he’s realized his huge mistake of not noticing, all that Jay wants to do was to hug you close and fix you, hold you close and tell you that everything was going to be alright. Because he’s let you hurt right under his nose, and he was going to give his all to return you back to the girl he love so much, even if he had to give his heart for you to see just how much he loves you.

“No! I still want to be with you, no matter what you or those voices think of. It was stupid of me not to notice that you weren’t okay under this mask, and I’m not going to leave you no matter what you’re feeling or undergoing. I still love you no matter what you are, because I love what you truly are inside, and those voices are wrong!” Jay hadn’t realized that his voice have gone higher, but that seemed to snap you back to the present, as you stared at him with wide teary eyes, the windows of your soul actually have emotions now. Although they were full of sadness and confusion, Jay was determined to turn it all into happiness.

“What are you talking about?” You nervously asked, still finding it hard to believe that Jay’s words were too good to be true.

“What I’m talking about is the truth, the real truth,” Jay sighed, finally being brave to touch your arms and slide his hands down to lace it with your fingers, feeling a little bit glad that you didn’t object the contact, “You are not worthless, pathetic, a waste of space, or any of those negative thoughts! (Name) is the strongest, independent, beautiful, smartest girl in the world, and you are worth it. I never regret the many seconds I spend with you, the minutes where I adore your beauty, the hours when you’re able to give me the happiest smile ever, and the days I miss you so much because you’re not by my side. You are everything that is good in the world, (Name), and trust my words because I love you with all my heart, and to hell with those negative thoughts!” He ended his unexpected speech with a genuine smile and pleading eyes, staring at your eyes in hopes of finding hope in yours.

How could you forget that you were so lucky to have such a loving man as yours? The negative thoughts seemed to disappear in an instant as you yanked Jay roughly by the collar of his shirt, crashing your lips against him in passionate kiss. And in that moment you felt alive, and you felt calm despite the raging emotions, knowing that someone was there for you, someone that was so willing to help you. There were tears lining down your cheeks, but you felt a burst of joy inside your heart, and you swore you saw a tear fall from Jay’s eyes as well.

“Thank you!” You sobbed, hugging him as tightly as you can, clutching his shirt because everything still felt too good to be true for you, “How did I get so lucky to have you, Jay?” Laying your head on his shoulders, you let the tears of joy fall, feeling warmth spread all over you because you just love Jay so much.

“I can ask the same thing as well, my strong girl,” Jay gently lay down the bed, letting your head fall to his chest while his arms protectively held you close, “Promise me to come to me when you have something bothering you, alright?” You nodded, holding Jay’s loving gaze as your eyes flashed the same emotion as him.

“I promise.”

“And know that I’d spent the rest of my life with you, because you are so worth it, got it (Name)?”

“Got it.”

Losing Count

@ghostpressure asked:  on this day of days im gonna be cliche and ask for jaderose maybe?? of the first kiss variety??

How could I ever say no to some sweet jaderose content? Lil non-Sburb AU, Rose POV!

Send me 413 Drabble Requests!

You lose count of all the ways Jade Harley is perfect every time you sit and try to name them.

You start with the single bit of hair that falls out of place no matter how many times she tucks it behind her ear, carry on past the way she plucks the bands on her fingers in a way you’re sure echoes some song played on a bass, and around the time you’re settling on the way she smiles with full lips and a fuller heart that shows in the dimples in her cheeks and the shine in her eye, there’s far too many things to keep hold of and they all escape in a dreamy sigh.

She is far too lovely for this world. Were you a traditional romantic you might call her an angel, or a flower in bloom. As it is, your diary is full of neatly transcribed descriptions of the finest of Lythalia’s daughters, wound in vines and tempting you with every look that lures you closer to her, yet able to crush you easily with a single dismissal if she desired. You describe yourself in less glowing terms in such entries, the groveling spawn of Th'rygh, a thing of ugly flesh and dirt not worth being the ground she walks on.

(When marking your diary, Mother gave you a high mark for dramatics, but a low mark for rationale. You’ll take what you can get from the privacy invading witch.)

Still, somehow Jade has not grown tired of your company, and allowed you to continue basking in her glow, which you do without even a modicum of restraint. She foolishly inquired about your home and you responded as if you hadn’t had a handwritten invitation to afternoon tea sitting in your purse for weeks, slightly dog-eared from all the times you’d hesitantly grasped it with intent to present it and then rapidly changed your mind. But no- she asked, and how could you not respond to such an earnest request, such bright eyes and such a broad smile and such glowing cheeks and such a melodious voice and-

You lost count of the ways she’s perfect, and gave her the invitation, and now here you are in your own bedroom, diary kicked firmly under your bed and Jade sitting opposite you in the most garishly beautiful combination of a neon green summer dress and yellow tracksuit pants. She’s folded her long legs into a knot and clasped her hands around her bare ankles, watching with open interest as you carefully mix a pot of tea with little preserved rosebuds all held in an octopus strainer.

“Those are so pretty,” she hums, rocking forward to peer at them closer, eyes blown up big and vibrant through her oversized glasses.

So are you, you think in a swift cliche, before battering it down with a metaphorical broom and smiling shyly instead. “I’m glad you think so.”

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