becoming the internet

Why You Should Pay Attention In Class, Feat. Dad and Dr. Puck

Gather ‘Round everyone, it’s time for another installment of Family Lore!

So back in the late 60′s  dad was getting his undergraduate at Cal Poly, because Dad was an early proto-nerd  (like really, he wrote a bunch of the groundwork for the thing that would eventually become the internet), and Cal Poly had one of the first comp sci programs in the country.   Also, it was like 10 miles from home, so he didn’t have to move out. However, because this was undergrad, dad had to take a bunch of non-major courses, so he decided to do geology because he’d been good at identifying rocks in boy scouts.

The course was taught by  gentleman named Dr. Puck, yes really, who was a brilliant geologist, but teaching a bunch of somewhat uninterested just-out-of-high-school kids about rocks can wear on you, even if you aren’t some sort of deranged fey creature.  So he tried his best to make it interesting, and Dad and most of the other kids had a fairly interesting time.

HOWEVER

Dad recounts that there were two girls in class who spent the entire time blowing off lecture, talking and generally being a distracting nuisance, until they heard that a quiz was coming up, then they’d pester and bully anyone for notes, usually Dad.  This went on for about three months and virtually everyone in class was grinding their teeth at these two, but Dad in particular, who did not appreciate being accosted in the hall by these two, who would alternately offer sexual favors for his notes, or threaten to start rumors about him if he didn’t help them study.  Puck knew some shit was up, but dad wasn’t eager to start legal action in his first semester, not to mention it was the 60′s and rampant patriarchy would have meant nobody would have believed him.

One Day, Dr. Puck organized a field for the class to the Santa Cruz Mountains, which are full of all manner of interesting geology things, most notably, fossils.  Really stinking cool ones.  Everyone is having a nice time hiking through the hills, looking at all the picturesque geology, when they round a corner and see a Big Goddamn RIB, just sticking out of the side of the trail.  Everyone goes OOOOOOH appreciatively, and Puck explains that this is an ancient Whale that UC Santa Cruz was digging up, but he knew someone in their geo department, so he got the goods on the site.

He then explains, in grand gestures and with the sort of vivacity that only people of Fey ancestry can muster, how this used to be an ancient seabed, but due to the magic Natural Geologic Process of Continental drift and Uplift, this whale was now some 2000 feet above sea level.  He spent a good twenty minutes telling the tale, while everyone took notes.

Almost everyone.

Literally the moment after Puck finished, one of the girls finally noticed the GIANT FUCKING RIB and asked him “But Dr. Puck- how did  whale get all the way up here?”

Puck, somehow, did not explode, but instead stood up to his full five-feet-and-one-and-one half-inches and explained in his most deadpan, eloquent lecture voice.

“This is a Great Flying Whale of the Cretaceous Period.”  He gestured at the Rib.  “They used to migrate here to Santa Cruz to breed, from their winter grounds in Hawaii, and would build magnificent nests out of kelp.”

Dad recalls stuffing his notes into his mouth to keep from laughing.  His more silver-tongued classmates began to chip in.

“Didn’t they used to eat Stegosaurs?  Just swooped down and gobbled them up.”  a student asked, trying not to snicker.

“Indeed!  They were far from the gentle giants we have today!” Puck agreed.  “Teeth the size of your arm, and long sticky tongues to catch smaller prey with.”

“How did they fly?” Asked another, ready to hear a choice piece of bullshit.

“Oh, gravity was much weaker back then, so they could ‘swim’ through the air with only the aid of a few helium bladders.”  he nodded sagely.  “Yes, and when they fossilized, the bladders were preserved.  Santa Cruz has some of the finest Helium mines in the world thanks to these magnificent beasts.”

“Wow.”  Muttered one of the girls, scribbling notes furiously.  Dad unwaded the parper from his mouth, ready to drive the nail into the coffin.

“Is this going to be on the test?” He asked, sweetly.

“Oh yes.”  Puck nodded gravely.

Sure enough, two weeks later, there was a test, and at the very bottom was the following:

“EXTRA CREDIT: explain everything innacurate/wrong about The Great Flying Whales Of The Cretaceous Period.  One Point per Idea that makes me Laugh.”

And that’s how Dad walked out of geology with 106% and the invaluable knowledge that people will believe ANYTHING if you speak with enough conviction.

  • Atsushi: By day, I am a regular loser.
  • Atsushi: By night...
  • Atsushi: I am the same loser, only it’s nighttime.

how did taylor swift become the internets favourite ‘problematic celeb’ when justin bieber is out here using the n word and pretending to be black 24/7/365 and katy perry unapologetically chooses a different culture that isn’t hers to profit off of every second week   

I saw someone else do something similar to this, so I figured it’s cool if I jump on the train. Here’s a whole bunch of prompts I’ve had rolling around in my brain but just don’t have the time to complete myself. Feel free to snag one if it speaks to you, just tag me so I can enjoy it!

Jack and Bitty

  • Jack doing one of those “mean tweets” videos for the NHL. But all the “mean tweets” are from the members of SMH. Jack calls out every single one of them in response and becomes an overnight internet sensation.
  • Times Jack Zimmerman’s Boyfriend Owned the Internet: an article by Buzzfeed. (I tried starting this but got sidetracked and really did not get far at all. Bonus points for fake Twitter posts and everything.)

Nursey and Dex

  • Everything is the same, but Dex works as a model part-time to pay for school. Nursey can’t handle how hot his boyfriend is.
    • Bonus points for a photo shoot involving flower crowns.
  • (NSFW) These two morons totally have a bet going on what they can do to each other in public without their teammates noticing. Spoiler: their teammates notice everything.

Ransom and Holster

  • Med school student Ransom has a tumblr that he goes on to take breaks. He discovers Hockey Tumblr’s obsession with his boyfriend (NHL player) Holster’s relationship with one of his teammates and gets jealous.

PolyFrogs

  • Soulmate AU where everyone has a compass on their wrist that points to their soulmate. Their “True North.” Confused PolyFrogs because their compasses have never pointed in just one direction.

Patater

  • Kent and Alexei flirt over social media so obviously but no one actually realizes they’re flirting.
    • Bonus points for including all social media platforms. Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.
  • Speaking on Snapchat…… Kent Parson has a public Snapchat and a private Snapchat. He accidentally outs himself by forgetting to switch over to the private one and posts a “missing the boyf” snap on the public one. (I might do this for Patater week…)
  • (NSFW): Someone tells Kent the best way to build core strength is to take pole dancing classes. RIP in pieces Alexei Mashkov.

I want to do a study on the linguistics of thebootydiaries

anonymous asked:

Do you have a tumblr crush ?

sure, anon, i’ve got plenty!

highkey crushing: @spacenerdevans 💘 @captainevans 💘 @darthvadher 💘 @daddybucks 💘 @bucksstan 💘 @stvcrogcrs 💘 @yikesevans 💘 @violentlyfarts

lowkey crushing: @ninvdobrev 💜 @chris-evans 💜 @dadgf 💜 @bicevans 💜 @buckities 💜 @stansons 💜 @chrisbastian 💜 @hisbarnes

imagine steve making a youtube channel to share his coming out story, just fully embracing who he is. he has to introduce bucky bc no one has actually saw him on video of his own free will but they know who he is (former pow/former soviet assassin/caps wwII boyfriend/childhood best friend/super soldier). the camera pans to him with his hair loose, sleeveless shirt that shows his metal arm and on his face is a deadly WS glare. steve just wordlessly leans over and kisses him, shows the world the softer side of bucky barnes just by existing and gently touching. from that moment on he becomes the internets fav smol adorable trained killer (though he only appears in the background of videos like when he’s walking to the kitchen in his boxers)

I think the reason why Bee Movie has become such a big internet meme is that it’s a very specific kind of weird where if you explained moments from the movie to someone who hasn’t seen it they’d think you were making it up.

Imagine never having seen Bee Movie and someone telling you that a Dreamworks CG Movie for children would have

  • A joke about death every 10 minutes
  • They make it a point to let you know the bees are Jewish (they call it Beeish)
  • There being a persistent sexual tension between the bee and a human woman.
  • The human woman breaking up with her boyfriend to be with the bee
  • A southern lawyer baiting a bee into stinging his ass by implying that the main bee and the human are sleeping together
  • The lawyer then coming to court in an exersaucer 
  • The bee and the human woman contemplating a suicide pact when they realize that all of the world’s plant life is going to die off and humans will slowly starve to death
  • Winnie the Pooh getting fucking shot
  • A scene that compares how tightly-knit Jewish communities are vs. black communities
  • A drag queen Queen Bee
  • Sting shows up and is arrested for cultural appropriation
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Death to the Blog

Peridot starts a Tumblr blog, revealing secrets about Homeworld and the Crystal Gems. Steven finds out about it, but Peridot manages to convince him that it’s all in good fun and not tell the other Gems. But when the blog quickly gains traction online, Peridot becomes addicted to her Internet fame and starts dishing bigger and bigger secrets. Steven worries that the people of Earth will panic if they ever found out about Homeworld, and finally breaks his silence to Garnet – who starts her own “The Secret World of Peridot” blog to divert attention away from Peridot’s blog.

in 2005 tom cruise married katy holmes which resulted in a lot of attention being focused on their personal life which resulted in people paying attention to how involved in scientology he was which later resulted in the South Park episode “Trapped in the Closet” which  later caused anti-Scientology activism to become popular with internet youth culture which later resulted in “Project Chanology” which was the first time the idea of “real world activism” in some form became popular on 4chan which resulted in people adopting the word “Anonymous” to identify by in various online and real world political actions

The Signs' New Years Resolutions

@ TheSignsAs || IG

Aries - punch that kid at their school that they hate
Taurus - try all new types of food
Gemini - get a six pack
Cancer - stop crying every day
Leo - perfect their winged eyeliner skills
Virgo - get straight A’s
Libra - save their money
Scorpio - visit a new country
Sagittarius - become internet famous
Capricorn - finish writing their book
Aquarius - redecorate their bedroom
Pisces - pet a different dog every day

do y'all ever think about YOI from the perspective of Yuuri’s mother and father

like

your dog dies. then your kid that has been gone for half of a decade suddenly bombs his professional career, moves back home, becomes a viral internet sensation, and BAM - there’s a parade of Russian men through your household, taking up residence in your spare rooms and shit.

then your kid comes out as gay on international television, has a baller season despite saying that he was considering retiring less than a year before, gets engaged while visiting a foreign country on the other side of the planet, and moves to Russia.

& you just smile and cheer and are supportive because you are the best fucking parents ever & deserve a gold medal in parenting.