because-possibilities

4

“I think a lot about trying to meet the moment as honestly as possible, because I don’t pretend to have any answers. In fact, I have infinitely more questions than answers.”

anonymous asked:

Why does Touka seem kinda off this chapter? Like she's exhibiting a gloomy air around her? It's really unsettling. Or is it just meee? Oh lordy.. Like Ken is all smiles and she's just blank and sorta indifferent/gloomy? Its sorta driving me crazy cause I don't know if should be all shippy/celebrating after she gave him the ring.

Is Touka upset that Kaneki didn’t proposed to her? 

Did Touka upset in the last page because Kaneki didn’t react the way she thought he would?

Touka could have given that ring to Kaneki any time but chooses to do so in the setting of a wedding. It seems like the context wasn’t just about giving Kaneki the memento but also setting up an unspoken promise between the two. So Touka confessed, made love with and gave a tacit engagement ring in the span of 5 chapters :O

The fact that we didn’t get to see Touka’s reaction at in the last of the chapter makes it suspicious about her intentions. 

Naw, I don’t think Touka is expecting a proposal just yet (that would be a little too fast even for these two). I think she’s a little sad that she can’t go see her best friend in person on one of the most important days of her life - she must be feeling like Shironeki did when he kept his distance from Touka and Hide.

She’s also more than a little pensive. We can tell from her thought bubble that she’s thinking about how Mutsuki led her to believe that Yoriko was dead. Because of that, the possibility of death is prevalent in her mind. The pain of ‘losing’ Yoriko still being fresh for her, she’s worried that Kaneki, now that they’ve become so much closer, will slide back into depression if anything happens to her. That’s why she gives Kaneki her parents’ ring - it comforted her when Kaneki first went away from her life, and she wants it to comfort him if she ever leaves his. So Kaneki’s words in response to that come across to her as a little morbid.

Seeing Kaneki smile unknowingly while he hangs what is essentially her memento around his neck deepens Touka’s unease about what might happen to her and how it might affect him. The shot of the centipede afterwards reflects this and likely confirms that things will take a turn for the worse, as the centipede is symbolic of Kaneki’s emotional and physical pain.

But that doesn’t mean that this turn will lead the way Touka thinks it will. If anything, Touka’s concern about how Kaneki will handle her death prefaces her taking herself out of danger when she (potentially) discovers that she’s pregnant. In that scenario, the centipede will refer to the loss of the child rather than Touka, and at that time, through a haze of pain Kaneki will look at the ring and treasure what he still has in the woman he loves.

SMUTATHON II: THE SMUTTENING IS UPON US!

Hey there, friends of VMHQ! Poll results are in for our Smut Challenge Naming Contest, and the outcome is clear. THE SMUTTENING IS HAPPENING!

The race was neck-and-neck for a while between our winner and runner-up Smutathon II: Electric Smut-a-loo, but eventually The Smuttening pulled ahead (possibly because The Bangening was not available). 

So now that we’ve got a title, on to the hows, whens and wheres!

Originally posted by coloursong

The main rule is just…write smut! Create a complete (not WIP) story of any rating (from General Audiences sexy glove-less hand-touching to EEE porn without plot) and post it to the Smutathon II library on A03. Any pairings and fic types are welcome, just remember to tag appropriately.

All authors will show as Anonymous until the challenge closes on July 31st, at which point user names will be revealed. Part of the fun comes from trying to guess which of your favorite fic writers is the dirty mind in question. If authors wish to remain anonymous past the deadline, follow the instructions in the FAQ.

That’s it! We hope many of you will be inspired to smut it up, or enjoy reading, accompanied by a cold cocktail, while reclining in a hammock. Let the Smuttening begin!!

Originally posted by giantmonster

Escape Verse: Put A Ring On It

This is a prequel, for @ninzied, who generously also betaed for me.

Graham goes ring shopping and employs literally the worst person to help him in said endeavor - lovesick puppy dog Robin.

It is also on FF.net

Chapter 1 is here


He hates this guy.

He hates to even give him a name. Unless he absolutely has to, he refers to Graham as “him,” “that guy” or “Regina’s boyfriend” as much as possible, because his name tastes like ash in his mouth.

He really, really, intensely dislikes him.

In every occasion where he’s had the, uh, pleasure of Graham’s company, he finds himself wanting to get away from him as fast as he can. He humors him, chats him up and occupies him, because he’s important to Regina, and hell, what’s important to her should be important to him, right?

When Regina mentioned Graham felt left out of company matters, Robin sucked it up and started inviting Graham golfing with the guys. He shared his baseball and football and basketball tickets with the man, because well, it made Regina smile.

But typically, Robin only sees Graham when he is Regina’s date to black tie events, where he always ends up acting like a neglected child, begging for Regina’s attention, when she needs to network. Robin finds himself playing babysitter, keeping Graham occupied so Regina can schmooze in peace.

Graham’s just a child. An ungrateful, pathetic child.

It doesn’t help matters that Regina recounts his antics with him over coffee. She’ll show up, frustrated and sleep deprived, admitting she had spent yet another night arguing with Graham over god knows what.

Graham doesn’t like to go to those black tie affairs her job dictates she attends. He complains about the long hours of her job, yet when she has time off, he’s always made plans of his own.

He blames her for their lack of intimacy, and Robin hates it.

And Regina’s revealed that there is a lack of intimacy, sadly. He knows Graham hasn’t shown much of an interest in her sexually, which could just about make Robin lose his mind. He’s terribly jealous, and terribly frustrated because this man has the whole world in his hand and doesn’t even appreciate it.

So, he hates Graham. And to be quite honest, he’d assumed the feeling was mutual.

Which is why he’s extremely puzzled to find Graham calling him in the middle of a work day.

“Hey it’s Graham. Ya gotta moment?”

Robin frowns. “A few I guess. But I got to be going—”

“It won’t take long. I just…need your advice on something.”

“You want my advice?” Robin asks. What pearl of wisdom was this man trying to grasp from a single father who spends his days pining over his coworker and best friend?

“You’re her best friend, right?” Graham asks. “I need shopping advice.”

Oh, well. Years on television have taught him more about women’s fashion than any man should know, but oh well. Such is life. “She likes jewel tones and black. She’s a size two, though if it runs small in skirts or pants she can be a size four.” Because she has the world’s greatest ass, he thinks. But he’s not going to mention that. Besides, Graham knows that, the bastard has held her ass in his hand — god he hates that man. “The set dressers always describe her style as sleek and sexy sophisticated. Go to Neiman Marcus or Saks and tell a saleswoman. She will help.”

“Not clothes,” Graham grumbles, “god why would I ever bother shopping for clothes, she’s impossible and too damn picky.”

Robin bites his tongue.

“What then, mate?” he asks, trying to stay cool.

“A ring.”

Robin nearly falls out of his chair. He never saw it coming. They don’t seem there yet.

“Engagement ring, I take it?”

“Yeah. We’ve been together forever, and she’s always saying that I don’t make an effort… well this is a helluva effort, isn’t it?”

Robin rolls his eyes. “I suppose…”

“She’s picky, I figure you’re her friend, you know about this stuff, you’re always complimenting her hair and jewelry and outfits, so you must know what she likes. You’re like her gay best friend or something. Though, obviously you’re not gay, I’m not saying that. Anywayyyy…. any chance you can come meet me at the mall for lunch and help my pick something out?”

Robin groans and wipes a hand over his face. God, this guy. “ Not the mall. Go to a proper jeweler. Kings on Second Street. And it’s not something you’re gonna be able to figure out during a lunch hour.”

“Really?” Graham asks. “It’s just a ring. How complicated could it be?”

He really hates this guy.

Keep reading

here in my gar͙̟̗̳̲͠a͓̻̬̝ą̭͉̤aA͏̳̞̦ͅA̦̰͚̼͎͎̼A̴a̮͚̝̯͖͙a͡a̟̞̳̯̳̯̰a͙͕̙͚g͕̤̘͔e͓̖ͅ just bought this uh..new lamborghini here

fun to drive up here in the hollywood hills

but you know what i like a lot more thanKNOWLEDGE! this uh..new lamborghini here but you know what i like more than my new lamborghini here

my tedex talk where i talk about this ᶰᵉʷ ᶫᵃᵐᵇᵒʳᵍʰᶦᶰᶦ ʰᵉʳᵉ the ǝɥʇ the ǝɥʇ t̪͖̻͉h͈̳̖̪̥̬h̤̙̮̮̮͍̠h̺͈h̭̜̺h̦͙̹͙͉̘̲hh͇̺̖̣̪̦͙h͓̩͔͈͎̭͡h͈̜h̹̮̰̩̘͓̺͜ḩ̼̞͇̼h̻̬̦̺̫͇ḫ͙̣̟̪ in fact i’m a lot more proud of the 7 new hollywood hills that i had to get installed to hold 200 new lamborghinis (silence while mouth moves) THE it’s like the buffet warren billionare says: the more you earn the more you DRIVE  UP  HERE  IN  THE  HOLLYWOOD  HILLS

in fact. the real reason why i keep this lamborghini here..is the real reason i keep thisLAMBORGHNI here is that it’s a reminder, a reminder that drears still possible because it wasn’t that long ago that i was in a little lamborghini, sleepin, on bookshelves in the hollywood hills with only FOURTY Seven billion dollars in my bank account and only FOURTY Seven lamborghinis in my lamborghini account and only FOURTY Seven hills in my hollywood account and only FOURTY Seven tedex talk where i talk about warren buffet in my TEDEXTALK WHERE I TALK ABOUT warren buffet account. but you know what? something happened that changed my life. i bumped into a LAMBORGHINI and another LAMBORGHINI and a few more LAMBORGHINIS. i found 5 lamborghinis. i don’t call it money anymore i call it FUEL UNITS. you must have enough fuel units! you must have enough lamborghinis. you must Ć͓̣̟̥Ọ̠̬͕̠̺ͅN̝͢S͓̟̤͇͔͚̙T̬͉̝̙̘̟R̫̻U̬̱C҉̲̥̬̪̜T̖͇̗͟ͅ ̖͙̥͎A̺͓̮̥̼̜̘͢DD̸̜̦͙͉I̙̺͈̰T͎̫̺͙͖͖͉̕Ì̖O͎̞N͙͕̺͜A͉L̢̤͙ ̖̫Ṕ͚̼̭̫Y̛̭̳̭̖̲̗Ḷ̳͞O̴͍̳̖̟̭̖N̸̼͕̞͔̗̟̯S̼̪͍̲̪̥͘. i’ll see you on my website, it’s a quick video and uh..you’ll see there absolutely nOTHING

originfire  asked:

I think that the whole "Sheriff would rather have Scott as a son" thing comes from John always needing Scott to confirm the things Stiles says before acknowledging them as truth and Stiles always looking so defeated everytime this happens.


Oh, absolutely. The first interaction between Stiles and his dad, Stiles is lying, and trying to talk his way out of it. And John is exasperated. You know this  is something they do every single day. 

Their relationship strains to breaking point when Stiles is actually hiding some important truths from John, and endangering John’s job, and eventually losing John his job. These aren’t small lies. These are big things, and the fact that Stiles continues to lie is absolutely gutting to John. Because what could he possibly be hiding that is more important than John’s job? Than the roof over their heads, presumably. 

And Stiles knows that. Lying to his father to that extent is horrible for him, but he accepts it as the price of keeping his dad safely out of the supernatural loop. 

And I think the damage done there is going to take a long time to repair. They’re in a weird push-and-pull now, where sometimes I think John still thinks Stiles is lying to him (whether to protect him, or just because he’s up to no good like the old days) but he knows Scott won’t lie to him. And I think it does hurt Stiles whenever John asks Scott to confirm something, but that’s because broken trust takes time to rebuild. 

It’s a hell of a leap from that to saying that John would prefer have Scott as his son. 


This scene here? 

This is the Sheriff absolutely taking the piss. It’s a joke. Scott knows it’s a joke. 

Stiles… Stiles probably knows logically as well, but there are some deep insecurities still at play and a layer of vulnerability that DOB adds to Stiles’s reaction that isn’t necessarily shown in the GIF, but is there if you watch the scene. 

It’s a joke. It’s his dad getting him back for the remark about his hair. 

It’s a joke…but what if it isn’t? 

And it’s subtle reactions like that one that elevate DOB’s performances above the dialogue. 

And, joking and insecurities aside, they’re the most important people in each other’s lives. 

I Like You A Lot (Part Three)

A/n: Alternate title: How Many People will Want me dead? This is the last part of this John Laurens x reader story, though certainly not the last in general, because like I said, I love John Laurens. He’s such a cute lil smol bean. Fair warning, this is sad.

**

(Y/n) and John Laurens wrote to each other as often as they could. Whenever ( y/n) received a letter, no matter who it was from, her heart skipped a beat, because she thought to herself, “it might be from him!”

And when they weren’t writing to each other, they were speaking in person, spending as much time as possible together, because John knew that soon, he would go away for a while to fight in the war.

“I won’t be gone forever,” he said one day to her. “After the war is over and I can end slavery, I’ll come back.”

(Y/n) smiled at the thought of slavery ending. “The day that everyone is treated with the kindness and respect they deserve will be the best day of my life." 

"Yeah, for me too!” His face lit up whenever he talked about something he was passionate about. (Y/n) loved that. It made him look so cute.

She wasn’t entirely sure where they were in their relationship. The letters had started out just friendly, but something had changed the night of Alexander’s wedding…

John had stood up during the reception, and announced that Angelica, the maid of honor, was going to be giving a speech.

“Alright, alright!” he cheered. “That’s what I’m talking about! Now, everyone, give it up for the maid of honor, Angelica Schuyler!”

Everyone gave a round of applause as Angelica stood up. Everyone but John, that is. He smiled brightly when Alexander looked at him, but (y/n) could tell. He wasn’t happy about this. 

As Angelica began to speak, John left, and (y/n) followed. She wanted to be there for Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy, but she couldn’t just stand there while John was this upset.

Peggy noticed her leaving and grabbed her arm. “(Y/n), where are you going?”

She looked at Peggy, and then the door that John exited out of. “I’m sorry, Peggy. I’ll be back, I promise.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing, (y/n)…”

She didn’t answer. She was already chasing after John. 

“John! John Laurens! Hey, come back!”

He slowed down and let her catch up. They were standing outside, where it was quiet. Only muffled noises could be heard.

“John… what’s the matter?”

But she knew, as soon as she looked at him. She knew what was wrong.

He wiped away the tears that had been forming in his eyes and shook his head.

“I know that he loves Eliza,” he said sadly. “And I know that he’s happy, and I’m his best friend. But… I had thought… I had HOPED…”

“That something more would happen,” (y/n) finished.

“Yes. That’s right.” He put his arms around her and cried onto her shoulder. It broke her heart.

“Hey, shhh, don’t worry,” she whispered. “I’m here. I’ll be here for you.”

He looked up. His cheeks and eyes were red from the tears, but he managed to smile. “How did I get someone like you?”

She kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. “Shhh. It’s okay. Don’t think about me.”

“But (y/n), thinking about you makes me feel better." 

"What? How can it?”

“You remember, don’t you?” he asked. “I told you I fancied you. Didn’t I?”

“Yes..” She studied the ground. “But I didn’t think it was serious. I knew how you felt about Alexander, so…”

“You didn’t want to push things?”

She nodded.

“Oh, dear….” he leaned over and kissed her. It was nothing like the sweet forehead and cheek kisses you gave sometimes to say goodbye or hello. It was real, full of affection and love. 

“I was serious,” he said, after he pulled away. (Y/n) was speechless. “I truly did-and still do-fancy you. I know we’ve been getting close recently… But I’d like to make it official. If that’s what you’d like.”

She nodded, still unable to speak from the shock of the kiss.

John took her hand. “Then we’d better get back in there. Angelica will be done with her speech soon, and we should be inside.”

That night, after (y/n) took John home (he got very drunk with his friends and was not going to get back by himself) she stayed awake, thinking about John. She loved his enthusiasm for ending slavery, his cheerful and awkward personality, his loyalty… she just loved him. The thought of being in love made her giggle. She had never loved anyone before, and it was a wonderful feeling.

And now, the day of John’s departure for the war drew closer and closer. She knew he would come back, but she would miss him so much, and neither of them were sure when he would be back.

“I worry about you,” she said. “What if you get hurt? What if you get killed?”

“I’m not going to die,” he said with a slight smile. “I can look out for myself, don’t worry.”

“I know you can, but I still worry.” She kissed him. “I want to keep you safe and warm here forever.”

“And I want to stay here forever. But I want to end the war, and I want to end slavery. I don’t know if I can do it from here.”

“You’re right,” she sighed.

“Hey,” he said, putting his arms around her. “I know I leave in a few days, but I have something for you.”

“Now? Or in a few days?”

“Whenever you want it.”

“Hmmm…” She pretended to think about it. “How about now? If that’s alright?”

He smiled. “Now is perfect.” He took both of her hands, looked into her eyes, and got down on one knee.

Her heart almost stopped.

“My dearest, (y/n), I love you. Marry me?”

He was blushing hard, smiling hopefully. (Y/n) started to cry, but they were happy tears.

“Yes!” She kissed him. “Yes, yes!”

He kissed her back. “As soon as I get back from the war,” he promised, “we’ll get married.”

“As soon as you get back,” she echoed. It was hard to contain the joy she felt.

She cried on the day that she waved goodbye to him as he went off to fight for freedom, for both America as a country and the people who lived there. Peggy was there, with her arm around her.

“Hey,” she said softly. “He’s gonna be okay.”

(Y/n) just nodded.

She wrote him a letter every single day. Though she knew it took ages for those letters to be delivered, it didn’t stop her. And soon, she began to receive letters from him.

They would tell her about what was happening, what he was doing to keep safe, and how much he loved her.

“I don’t want you to worry,” he wrote. “I love you too much to think about you losing sleep.”

“I won’t worry, so long as you keep writing back to me,” she wrote back.

One day, she got a rather alarming letter from him.

“I am engaging in a duel against Charles Lee,” he had written. “He abuses the name of General Washington, and neither Alexander nor I will stand for it. I know you will think me foolish, but I cannot allow this man to do this.”

She replied, “I don’t agree with the duel, but I trust that you will come back to me alive. Don’t kill this man, and don’t hurt yourself. That is all I ask.”

Eventually, she received word that he had won the duel. She smiled. Foolish, but at least he was safe.

Meanwhile, she and Peggy spent a lot of time together…. at the tailor. Getting a wedding dress. For weeks, they had searched for just the right details for the dress, looking to get everything perfect. 

“(Y/n) Laurens!” Peggy would squeal, causing (y/n) to blush. “I can’t believe that you’re getting married!”

“I know…” She said. “And it’s thanks to you. Remember when you pushed me into him, when we were listening to the shouting in the square?”

“Of course!”

“Without that, this might not have happened. I wouldn’t have met the man I love. So thank you, for what you’ve given me.”

Peggy gave her a hug. “Oh, (y/n)! You’re going to be a beautiful bride!”

The next morning, (y/n) woke up smiling and peaceful. Everything was wonderful. She would be married soon. She had a wonderful life.

She visited the Schuyler house, and was greeted by cheers and singing. Peggy pulled her inside.

“Peggy, wh-”

“WE WON! Eliza received a letter from Alexander! We won the war, he’s coming home! The war is over at last!”

“Oh!” Her face broke into a huge smile. “We won!”

She grabbed Peggy’s hands and they danced around the Schuyler sitting room. They didn’t care if they looked childish: the war was finally over!

When Alexander returned home at last, he kissed Eliza, and then turned to (y/n).

“John hasn’t returned from South Carolina yet,” he said, somewhat sadly. “I’ve written to him to tell him about the war ending. He’ll be home soon, I’m sure.”

“Oh.” She was disappointed, but smiled anyways. Peggy laughed. “Only a little bit longer, Mrs. (Y/n) Laurens!”

And so she waited.

She hadn’t received a letter from John in a few days, but it didn’t bother her. He must have been busy. The last letter he had written her went something like this:

“My dearest, (Y/n), every day I think about you and close it is to the day we are to be married. Hopefully, I will be returning very soon…. Please remember that I love you, and they sat I see your face after being here in South Carolina may just be the happiest day of my life. Sincerely, your soon-to-be husband, John Laurens.”

It was a short letter, but it was all she needed.

She had never been happier. The war was over, and the man she loved was going to marry her very soon. Everything was perfect.

One sunny morning, she walked the quiet streets to the Schuyler house, where she had celebrated so much. Grinning, she knocked on the door.

Immediately, when Peggy answered, she knew something was wrong. Peggy threw her arms around her and sobbed.

“Oh, (y/n), I’m so sorry!” she wailed. “I’m so so sorry! This must be awful for you!”

“Peggy,” (y/n) said softly, “what…. what happened?”

“You mean.. you haven’t gotten a letter yet?”

(Y/n) shook her head. 

“Oh no… maybe you should come inside….”

She followed Peggy. The house was dimly lit, and it was quiet. Eliza and Alexander were there, which was odd. They had their own place now, and as far as (y/n) knew, there was no reason for them to be visiting.

Alexander was writing, as usual, but something about him was different. It could have been the way his shoulders were slumped over, or the way he seemed to struggle to breathe. Or, (y/n) realized, perhaps it was the silent tears running down is face. She had never seen him cry before.

A hand touched her shoulder. It was Eliza.

“Eliza? What’s going on?”

She was thinking very hard about what to say. “We’ve received some… very bad news about John Laurens.”

“Oh, you have?” She felt a dreadful feeling creep up on her, but she chose to ignore it. “Did you get a letter from him?”

“Not exactly,” Eliza said softly. She handed (y/n) a carefully folded piece of paper. (Y/n) read it quietly to herself.

“On Tuesday the 27th, John Laurens was killed in a gunfight against British Troops retreating from South Carolina…” Her voice trailed off as she felt a heavy weight press on her chest. “The men had not yet received word from Yorktown that the war was over.”

Alexander got up and left without a word. He clearly didn’t want to hear it again.

She couldn’t continue reading, and she dropped the letter. For some reason, she couldn’t seem to cry. Even though that’s all she wanted to do.

“(Y/n)? Are you alright?”

“Yes, Eliza,” She said, her voice barely louder than. A whisper. “But if it’s alright with you, I’m going to go home. I’d like some time alone.”

“Yes, I understand,” she said. Peggy gave (y/n) a hug. “But if you need anything, let us know.”

She left without a word, not paying any attention to the world around her as she walked home. The sun was still out, and it was a beautiful day.

Hah.

When she got home, that’s when the tears finally started to flow. She screamed and wailed, not caring what anyone might think.

John Laurens was dead. She loved him and now he was dead. She didn’t get to say goodbye.

She couldn’t stop screaming, but no one came to help. Eventually, she collapsed on her bed, too worn out to cry any more.

She wondered if John got the last letter she wrote.

But even if he did, it didn’t matter. She wouldn’t get to marry him, or tell him she loved him, or raise a family with him. Because his life had ended, and it felt like she had died too.

Maybe it was the grief, or the exhaustion, but she couldn’t stop thinking about what it would take to see him again.

“When I die,” she thought. “We’ll be together again then. But that’s a long time to wait.”

She sighed. How was she going to go on without him?

Some nights she would climb as high as she possibly could to the top of the tallest building she could find. And then she would talk to him.

“I’m proud of you,” she would say every night. “I miss you. I love you. I want to see you again." 

And of course, he never answered.

"John,” she said to the empty night air, “watch over me, now. I don’t want to slip off of the roof.”

She scooted herself to the very edge. Her heart was beating fast.

“Alexander misses you too. I know you loved him before you loved me, and it broke his heart when you died. And remember, the wedding? That’s when you kissed me, for real. You were so sad, but then you were happy again. I was happy too.”

She looked down, and took a sharp breath. “John, if I could only see you again, that would be

  • psychic: reads my mind
  • me: here in my gar͙̟̗̳̲͠a͓̻̬̝ą̭͉̤aA͏̳̞̦ͅA̦̰͚̼͎͎̼A̴a̮͚̝̯͖͙a͡a̟̞̳̯̳̯̰a͙͕̙͚g͕̤̘͔e͓̖ͅ just bought this uh..new lamborghini here
  • fun to drive up here in the hollywood hills
  • but you know what i like a lot more thanKNOWLEDGE! this uh..new lamborghini here but you know what i like more than my new lamborghini here
  • my tedex talk where i talk about this ᶰᵉʷ ᶫᵃᵐᵇᵒʳᵍʰᶦᶰᶦ ʰᵉʳᵉ the ǝɥʇ the ǝɥʇ t̪͖̻͉h͈̳̖̪̥̬h̤̙̮̮̮͍̠h̺͈h̭̜̺h̦͙̹͙͉̘̲hh͇̺̖̣̪̦͙h͓̩͔͈͎̭͡h͈̜h̹̮̰̩̘͓̺͜ḩ̼̞͇̼h̻̬̦̺̫͇ḫ͙̣̟̪ in fact i’m a lot more proud of the 7 new hollywood hills that i had to get installed to hold 200 new lamborghinis (silence while mouth moves) THE it’s like the buffet warren billionare says: the more you earn the more you DRIVE UP HERE IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS
  • in fact. the real reason why i keep this lamborghini here..is the real reason i keep thisLAMBORGHNI here is that it’s a reminder, a reminder that drears still possible because it wasn’t that long ago that i was in a little lamborghini, sleepin, on bookshelves in the hollywood hills with only FOURTY Seven billion dollars in my bank account and only FOURTY Seven lamborghinis in my lamborghini account and only FOURTY Seven hills in my hollywood account and only FOURTY Seven tedex talk where i talk about warren buffet in my TEDEXTALK WHERE I TALK ABOUT warren buffet account. but you know what? something happened that changed my life. i bumped into a LAMBORGHINI and another LAMBORGHINI and a few more LAMBORGHINIS. i found 5 lamborghinis. i don’t call it money anymore i call it FUEL UNITS. you must have enough fuel units! you must have enough lamborghinis. you must Ć͓̣̟̥Ọ̠̬͕̠̺ͅN̝͢S͓̟̤͇͔͚̙T̬͉̝̙̘̟R̫̻U̬̱C҉̲̥̬̪̜T̖͇̗͟ͅ ̖͙̥͎A̺͓̮̥̼̜̘͢DD̸̜̦͙͉I̙̺͈̰T͎̫̺͙͖͖͉̕Ì̖O͎̞N͙͕̺͜A͉L̢̤͙ ̖̫Ṕ͚̼̭̫Y̛̭̳̭̖̲̗Ḷ̳͞O̴͍̳̖̟̭̖N̸̼͕̞͔̗̟̯S̼̪͍̲̪̥͘. i’ll see you on my website, it’s a quick video and uh..you’ll see there absolutely nOTHING
  • ̲̜̮̳̩̫
  • psychic: what the fuck

anonymous asked:

hey mama kelley! I have two problems. 1. I wanna wear make up even in summer but i have a feeling that it's just going to melt off my face after 2 hours, tips?! 2. it's not really a problem but do you have hacks/tips for surviving the summer as a plus size girl?

Well #1: It’s basically impossible to keep a full face of makeup looking good in super humid heat. It’s a good rule of thumb to use as little product as possible because the less foundation and concealer you have on your face, the less there is to sweat off. You should also set the areas of your face you sweat the most really well with powder. If you’re sweating your brows off, ABH DipBrow is basically bulletproof. If your eyeliner is transferring, the Tarte Amazonian Clay Gel Liner is freakin amazing but you could also try setting your liner with black eyeshadow. I’ve never had luck with that but some people have! And the Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray is always a good idea.

#2: I don’t know if I really have any special tips besides wearing loose, flowy clothing and stocking up on an anti chafing product of your choice!

anonymous asked:

What is love?

Love is caring for someone else deeply and unconditionally and love is being motivated to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be because you are so passionate about the other person.

The signs as 'History of the entire world' memes

Aries: Fuck It, time to plant some grass.
Taurus: Nope, can’t walk yet. And there’s no food yet, so I don’t care.
Gemini: Hey Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell!
Cancer: Hi, I’m Gandhi, and if Britain doesn’t get the hell out of India I’m going to starve myself in public.
Leo: I want to invent time and space. And I know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
Virgo: FIGHT- wait no, that would be the end of the world. Let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
Libra: China is Whole Again… then it Broke Again…
Scorpio: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants? Ok thanks bye
Sagittarius: That’s bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. That’s a scam. Fuck the church. Here’s 95 reasons why
Capricorn: The Soviet Union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
Aquarius: Well, blame something on them and go to war!
Pisces: wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

anyway I love Yuuri

Underappreciated* Yuuri caps from episode three post:

wrow.

what is happening this is so cute.

full glasses push determined Yuuri!!

IT’S ENOUGH TO GET A MAN PREGNANT. Remember when this ridiculous smitten boy said this lmao.

he lacks confidence.

Yuuri plz omg.

back massages from Takeshi

You can do it, Yuuri (Yuuri freaking out here is too cute)

remember when Yuuri doubted his ability to portray sexiness and Eros and at that very moment he looked like this

I don’t want Yuuri Katsuki to ever have to eat broccoli again after looking at this. I don’t even hate broccoli, but that is tragic. 

he skates

when he’s being so sweet and compassionate and perceptive to Yurio at the waterfall!

a good looking man

I CHOOSE THIS ONE.

I love… this shot? It looks almost Ghibli-esque to me.

Yuuri in the ballet studio gives me life. I want to see more of it!

There’s no way I could be the playboy (Victor, somewhere: sobbing into his pillow)

Yuuri(s) on tv

wow amazing

such a good sport look how appreciative he is of Yurio

I wanted to appreciate how BEAUTIFUL AND DEEP his edge is on this spread eagle?? +10 on all of Yuuri’s PCs tbh. 

being Eros is exhausting

that figure

a smile that could probably bring world peace

HESITANT, CUTE, HAPPY YUURI. 

what the hell?? someone pinch those cheeks (Victor preferably)

he still looks nervous here awww.

but then Victor gives him that gentle squeeze

and he smiles. 

*Note: all shots of Yuuri are underappreciated because it’s not possible to appreciate Yuuri enough 

So about those space orcs...

I’ve seen a lot of posts about humans pack-bonding with frankly everything, no matter how big, scary, threatening, lethal or oozy.

But you know what I haven’t seen?

Humans entrusting their young to their pack-bonded friends. Because that’s a thing we do. We entrust our children to our friends. We entrust our children to our dogs. We befriend the biggest, meanest, scariest shit, and then we dump our defenseless, hasn’t-even-got-a-fully-fused-skull-yet offspring on them. Half for shits-and-giggles, half because it’s cute, mostly because children are exhausting and we need a nanny.

Keep reading

Scavenger Hunt

Stiles/Derek, T, 2500 words, Meet Cute AU

Written for the following prompt:

“i picked up your bag at the airport but i can’t find your number so i’m about to embark on the largest scavenger hunt of all time by using your strange belongings to track you down” au

“Honey, I’m home!” Stiles calls out as he wrestles his roll bag over their entry mat.

“That’s still not funny,” Scott says, without looking up from his textbook.

“Once again, we disagree.”

Scott snorts. “How was the trip?”

“Fine,” he says, plopping down right in the middle of the living room to start unpacking. “Typical conference. Some sessions were actually interesting, most were boring as shit.”

Scott hums, already absorbed again in his reading. Stiles reaches for the zipper on his suitcase but then freezes—this is definitely the same brand as his suitcase, but he doesn’t remember this extra zippered pocket on the top.

“Oh, shit.”

“What?”

Stiles grimaces. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t my suitcase. Goddamn it.”

Scott finally looks up, frowning. “Shit, really? How’d you manage that?”

“It was a redeye,” Stiles says, running a hand through his hair. “I was exhausted, in fucking LaGuardia, and I was just trying to get out of there as fast as humanly possible.”

“Is there a name on it? Are you sure it’s not yours?”

“Pretty sure,” Stiles says, feeling around the sides for the pocket. He sighs when he pulls out the little card and sees that it’s blank. “Motherfucker. This is definitely not my suitcase because I’m actually smart enough to put my name on it.”

“Sorry, man,” Scott says sympathetically as Stiles falls back on the rug with an anguished groan.

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“Open it,” Scott suggests. “Maybe there’s something with their name on it.”

Stiles fiddles with the zipper. He’s nosy as hell, in general, and normally he’d be jumping at the chance to rifle through someone else’s personal belongings. But… 

“What if there’s like, dead bodies in there or something?” he asks, and Scott just stares at him for a second. Stiles rolls his eyes—that’s a perfectly valid concern. Or maybe he watches too many police procedurals, whatever. “Okay, fine.”

Stiles holds his breath as he slowly unzips the suitcase, but nothing happens when he lets the top part flop back onto their crappy, threadbare rug. There’s a Dodgers hat on top, and Stiles grimaces. “Well, they have shitty taste in baseball teams.”

He sets the hat carefully aside and keeps digging. The person is neat, whoever they are, because everything is folded, and all the dirty clothes are even all contained in their own zippered bag. At first glance, there’s nothing too out of the ordinary—phone charger, American Gods, Calvin Klein briefs. Fancy, he thinks. There’s a monogrammed leather toiletry bag (DSH, he commits those initials to memory), and he pokes through it.

“I’m gonna make an educated guess that it’s a guy.”

“Why’s that?” Scott says, finally looking somewhat interested in this mystery.

Stiles holds up an electric razor. “And that he’s maybe not totally straight,” he says, brandishing a little bottle of lube that’s about three-quarters full.

Scott rolls his eyes. “Lots of people use lube.”

“Yeah, but do you travel with it?” Stiles counters, and Scott sighs.

“No,” he admits. “Did you find anything with his actual name on it?”

“Not yet,” Stiles says absently. He continues to rifle through the bag until he’s pretty sure he has his plan of attack. “Okay. I’m gonna find out who it is,” he says with a determined nod, and Scott frowns.

“How? This is New York City! There are literally millions of dudes here.”

“It’ll be like a real-life scavenger hunt,” Stiles says dreamily, ignoring Scott as he carefully lays his three chosen items out on the coffee table. “This is awesome.”

Keep reading

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

At one point, the producer and the co-writer Kid Harpoon goes “Let’s do this old school move and we’ll do blah blah blah blah” and Harry said “No… let’s do the most modern tech thing we can possibly do because tape and analog was just the best system they had in the day, so let’s go with the best system we have today and just make it about the melodies.” Which I thought was really great because he was kinda smart enough to know… let’s use all the tools that we have to kinda make it a melodic thing, not necessarily an airless, pop/dance thing but let’s embrace the new tech doing old school love of melody, and I thought that was so smart of him. And that’s kinda what the album is. It really comes from him and he’s a music geek in the greatest way.
—  Cameron Crowe

Me, writing a philosophical literature essay at 3am: 

A long time ago, actually never, and also (now). Nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn’t happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That’s why it’s been everywhere. It’s been so everywhere you don’t even need a where. You don’t even need a when. That’s how every it gets. Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space. And I know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. I just don’t know when to start. 

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck