To you who promised me “To Infinity and Beyond” but ended up leaving me all alone…
You used to write me letters. Letters that were maybe not that many or too poetic, but enough to make me feel special and that I somehow have a place in your life. Letters I never even expected, letters that just pop up in my bag or in my pocket or in my hands unexpectedly. Unfortunately, those letters became the proof of the pain. Seeing them… no, just by the mere fact that they exist, kept and treasured by me, makes me want to cry all over again. I’m sorry because those letters are probably in some sort of junk site right now, all torn and rip apart by rage and overpowered emotion at a stir of a moment.
But whatever. I just think I owe you one so I am writing this. And you know me, I hate it when I have a debt to someone because it makes me feel that I am not fully entitled to myself, like someone partly owns me. Or maybe not… maybe you do not know that. Which makes me think if we really had been bestfriends. Were we? Because I remember how it all started like a thunder, and I also perfectly remember how it all ended like a thunder, too. I don’t really know what happened there.
I loved you. So much. I mean, not in the way Jacob Black loved Isabella Swan before Renesmee but the way Jacob loved Bella after Renesmee. I almost loved you more than I loved myself. Because you were such a good person, you know? You are so strong and brave, and honest, and such a sweet person. You are responsible and funny and genuine and lovely. You have a great mind and you understood me (or so I think, I guess). You are the kind of person whom I will always adore no matter what. I still do.
I am sorry for everything. For pushing you away too hard that you have been badly hurt, for leaving you hanging, for making you feel like you are stupid, for not trying, for not being good enough and deserving your friendship, for not appreciating you. Believe me though, I do. I just didn’t know how to show it, or how you’d react if I do. Maybe it was because I feel like you’re always there, behind me, never leaving me, that I took you for granted. Maybe it was because you promised that you will never ever leave me and you will stay; to infinity and beyond. Or maybe it was because you hold my hands every time and you said that it was only my hands that is allowed to hold yours. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where everything went down, where the foundation that was once so strong, broke apart.
Still, I am grateful. Because it’s only once you will encounter a person like you, and I got that privilege. I was comforted, I was understood, I was cherished, I was loved. I learned my lessons, too. Thank you for being there for me, when even me, myself can’t stand my bitchy attitude and moody personality any longer. Thank you for being there me for me when no one else was. Thank you for trying to be my last string. Although our to infinity and beyond didn’t really happen, still.
Lastly- thank you for leaving me and giving up on me. Thank you so much because I realized what I was supposed to realize.
Honestly, though? You leaving me, makes me think that if I can’t even make a bestfriend stay, then what right do I have to make someone, anyone, stay? I would be lying if I will say that I am not hurting any more, or I’m also better off without you. It still hurts when I remember when you said that you’re used to my absence; how you put it that way, and how you said it without any hesitation. What made it even worse is you saying you’re sorry afterwards. Like in a breakup “sorry you’re not good enough anymore”. It still pains me to think that I actually tied my last string of hope to you. Not that I regret it, or blame you for all that has happened because we both know it’s our faults- but I just felt like I already knew this would happen, but I still went on anyways. But this: I am learning to live my life without depending on anyone or their words or promises, including you; is definitely not a lie. I am now my own last string of hope.
I hope you are happy because I am now happy. Not quite, but happy. Please do know that I am not saying goodbye because I don’t think we are worth fighting for, but because I think we are so much better off this way. And you were my bestfriend, and you made life easy to handle. So what’s there to regret? You gave me words that temporarily filled all the gaps and holes of my heart at the moment and you gave me things I never thought I was worthy of- time, love, attention. Now keep that smile, please. The genuine one, I mean. I know people all over the world will love it.
So… I guess this is the destination? Well. It was fun. Tragic, but definitely worth it. Yeah. Goodbye, babe.