3/31/2015 5:06PM EST
I can’t bring myself to work (again) so I’m taking a break at the moment.
There’s a lot to do, a lot to do.
I think that I have a wisdom tooth coming in. It’s dreadfully distracting and uncomfortable. It isn’t painful, but these parts of my mouth are being displaced and it feels weird, and my tongues keeps searching for this newly developed gap/bone/torn-piece-of-my-gums combination that it hasn’t seen since I was ten and had finished with this tooth business. This means I cannot ever concentrate fully on anything I am doing. I am trying to train my tongue to not do that, but it is hard. When will it stop?
Some moments or hours or days, I am remarkably productive, and sometimes I cannot get anything done at all. But I suppose that’s normal. It is frustrating though, because the back of my brain says “hey, you need to work!” and I refuse to do so. At this rate I will fail. I do not know if I have the capacity to work nonstop like I need to, and I am worried I am past the point of no return.
Perhaps it will help me to have everything out in the open.
Here is how I currently stand:
6.01 (Intro to EECS):
36% on midterm 1, but homework and labs (in which I have a 97%) account for 50% of my total grade. Yeah. Doing pretty badly, but I’m at least confident that I can hopefully pass.
18.03 (Differential Equations):
62% on midterm 1, 59% on midterm 2. There’s not much else I have to say about this, I’m pretty much failing at the moment.
7.013 (Introduction to Human Biology):
85% (A) on midterm 1. I’m pretty happy about this. It’s a good thing I barely made the cutoff for an A, which is an 85% here at MIT. It’s my saving grace.
8.02 (Physics Electromagnetism):
79% (B) on midterm 1. Sort of happy about this. Thank God for my AP Physics C teacher in high school, he taught me everything I needed to know. However, there are only two midterms in this class, so I need to do well on the upcoming one (next week)(!!!).
21F.108 (Chinese II Streamlined):
I don’t really know how I’m doing in this class, because we have a lot of different tests, quizzes, and assignments (It’s how you study a language, after all) but I think I’m in the A range. I haven’t ever done terribly on anything, at least.
- Physics pset
- Chinese Presentation
- Math Reading
I will do the best I can.
Though many people say this, I will also say it out of honesty: I often feel that my admission here was a mistake. I have never felt that I had a limit, but here I do. A lot of people have told me many times to “work smarter, not harder” but no one has told me what working smarter is, or how to do it. Working hard is what I know how to do, and pressing my limits in that direction did not seem to work. It is difficult to find motivation when I had worked very hard last quarter and still failed often, particularly in math. I have never faced a problem like this before—but I believe I will grow from it, if only I can stay emotionally separate from my academic problems. That last part is hard, though, but I believe I can do it.
Not going down without a fight.