12 months ago it began. I felt myself falling and all I could do was tell you how much I only wanted to be your friend. I could only be your friend. Maybe that was my first mistake.
8 months ago you called me and woke me up to tell me you couldn’t do it anymore. I never got an explanation until three weeks and 600 anonymous messages later you told me how someone played us both. You were a little fucked up after that. Trust was hard for you and even harder for me because I stopped feeling after that night and I realized the closest to me had taken you away.
7 months ago I forced myself into a relationship with a girl I barely liked and told her, ‘I love you,’ because I remember what happened when I couldn’t even admit I liked you. I forced myself to be with her until being with her made me not want to be here anymore.
5 months ago I had been 3 months clean of you until it was Valentine’s Day and you popped out of nowhere. I felt like an addict who worked so hard for their chip and I had relapsed the moment I saw your name.
3 months ago I was convinced I’d never feel for anyone ever again until I wandered into Hawaii and suddenly there were butterfly kisses and hands on thighs and I knew even when it ended, because it would end.. she was not the kind of person I wanted to be with, she would be a reminder I could feel again.
1 month ago I looked back at all the people I had burned through in a year trying to feel again. Trying to find someone like you and not lose you again. But it didn’t work and I was closing in on my time line to come back to California. The land of dreams sounded like the land of nightmares. I left shortly after I lost you and I had no desire to be back but back I came. So today when I went to the place we had our first date and saw the blue of the ocean, even trying to force my thoughts to think of your eyes was impossible. I couldn’t remember the blue that they were or the sound of your laugh as we faced our fears and jumped the cliffs.
You see, they say it’s all about who you think of when you’re staring at the ocean, and for once it was them I wanted to FaceTime my experience with and not you.