don’t belittle me--not even for a second. Don’t you dare.
I really need to stop giving people the choice of whether or not to talk to me when I talk to them. I need to stop telling people “you can ignore this if you really want to, I will understand.” Because no. I won’t. I’m all about trying to make people as comfortable as possible, when the truth inside the truth is that I don’t know what makes them comfortable, and me pretending to only ends up hurting myself. I tell them “you can just forget me if you want” because I think it will make them know and understand that they don’t have to abide by social norms with me. They don’t have to pretend to be engaged in something they really do not want to be engaged in. I am such a compassionate person, but seriously? You can only be so allowing. You know what I mean? This has always been something I thought about, and I’m realizing it keeps happening to me. I don’t want people to thank me for to things I do to help them, or anything. I think I’m just hoping that they might decide to believe in the things I say, instead of taking the easy way out. That they might understand why I say the things I do and indulge in it.
I don’t know. Or am I just being an asshole when I say this?
I do this, because I want them to know that I understand. That I understand and that if even if I don’t, I will soon enough. I am the all-comprehending, ever understanding human being and I shan’t ever misunderstand a human soul. Right?
What a damn lie. People ignore me, people forget me, because I let them. I lie to them and tell them that it’s okay if they don’t answer me, just so they won’t have to be uncomfortable. Just so they won’t have to work through what at first bothers them.
Well you know what? I no longer give a damn. I’m no longer here to make anyone feel comfortable. And in doing this I only patronize, belittle and dehumanize myself. I try to make people feel what I truly want to feel. I try to make them feel wanted. In the process I forget about myself and neglect me. I need to stop letting people have the choice or not to treat me like a real person.
I’m not your comfort. I’m not your solitude. I’m not here to make you happy. I’m done trying to make people appreciate that I am accepting, because the cost of doing so is my self-respect.
Make no mistake though— It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop helping people and speaking up when things bother me. I’m just going to stop giving people the choice or not to ignore me. If I have something to say, I’m going to say it anyway. People will ignore me, and that’s fine, but it only makes it worse when I openly give them the choice to. If I want to help someone, I‘m going to. And I’m, no longer going to be afraid that I bother them in doing so. If my existence bothers someone, they can say so and I will respectfully secede. but I’m done belittling myself. It’s just so detrimental.
Tumblr is all about whining about the things you don’t want to do because it makes you uncomfortable. Too bad! I have no compassion left for those who rot in bed rooms writing 150,000+ note posts about how they are tired of having to participate, and live life and actually do things. I’m not talking about people who are mentally ill and actually struggle with this. I’m talking about the people who want to seem important by pointing out things that are in many ways irrelevant.
And when you get right down to it, that’s all that tumblr is. One huge, colossal, ever-flowing cesspool of teenage irrelevance.
and frankly? I’m so over it.