because there is no way anymore

Andrew hasn’t slept since Thursday night. It’s the only fact with any physical weight to him at the moment, as he sits on the windowsill with his forehead against the chilly glass. The living room is mostly dark, tinted with the the greenish hue that comes before pre-dawn, and he stares out over the park as the sky steadily lightens with morning.

Friday night’s game had tired him out, but somehow he’d gotten only an hour of sleep before his brain dropkicked him into reluctant consciousness. There hadn’t been any nightmares, for once. He just couldn’t sleep. And now he feels the crash coming upon him, an unwelcome reminder of over a decade ago when his life had been dictated by little white pills.

He doesn’t even have enough energy to be properly maudlin. The only things on his mind are his aching eyes, his warm bed, and Neil sleeping peacefully. He lurches into standing, and heads for the bedroom.

Their condo is large, larger than the two of them need really, but the cats appreciate the extra space. It’s paid for mostly by Andrew, but it’s the one he wanted, even though Neil had tried to reason him into one of the more modest choices their realtor had prepared for them. Andrew had figured that if he could afford the best choice, why not get it? Neil had issues when it came to spending a lot of money on things for himself, issues that Andrew didn’t have the patience to work through so he put it all on his account and dealt with the fallout later.

Their bedroom is the largest one; it sits on the corner of the building with large windows along two walls that offer a gorgeous view of the surrounding area, according to their realtor. Andrew hadn’t cared for the view and instead had hung up blackout curtains to allow him to sleep in without interruption from the sun.

How ironic.

Neil had pulled open one of the curtains sometime in the night, or maybe before he’d gone to sleep. Andrew hadn’t even gone to bed last night, so he didn’t know. The window adjacent to the bed is uncovered, letting in the bluish light of the very early morning. It makes the scars on Neil’s body look softer somehow, less harsh and more like they’re a part of him instead of remnants of his past that linger unwanted in his skin.

Andrew likes Neil’s scars. He’s never told him, and he never plans to. They don’t repulse him or make him uncomfortable. They’re badges, trophies that show this is what was done to me and this is what I survived. Neil doesn’t hide them anymore, and Andrew’s glad for it, both because his shame was intensely aggravating and because this way he gets to see more of Neil’s body on a regular basis.

Neil has mellowed out since their college days, and usually Andrew can sneak into bed without waking Neil up, but today he’s exhausted and more clumsy than usual. The bed bounces more than planned as he finally lays down and pulls the comforter over his cold body, and Neil makes a low sound and scoots closer to Andrew. He always runs warm and only ever covers up with the sheet, which now is pooled across the small of his back, leaving everything above open for scrutiny by Andrew.

Andrew lifts a trembling hand and sets it in the middle of Neil’s back, his eyes roaming over the patchwork quality of his skin. The scarring isn’t as severe as his front, but it is still very significant. His eyes half close as his fingers move unchecked, following along the seams in his skin as if trying to find the proper route on a roadmap. It’s soothing to him, somehow, like petting the cats is to Neil. Neil makes a noise low in his throat again in contentment, and Andrew almost rolls his eyes at how apt the comparison is.

“Why are you playing with my back?” Neil asks, voice rough from sleep. He’s been awake since Andrew got in bed, Andrew knows, and anyway there’s comfortable amusement in his tone.

“Not your back,” Andrew replies, voice uncooperative in his tired haze. “You gave it to me.”

“And then you gave it back, remember?” His face is still turned away from Andrew, but there’s something more in his tone now that Andrew can’t parse at the moment. Later.

He drums his fingers on Neil’s shoulder blade. “No takebacks,” he says, childishly. Neil shifts slightly, and switches which side of his head is pressed against the pillow so that he faces Andrew. He’s more awake and functional than Andrew is at this point, but the look on his face makes Andrew pinch his back and close his eyes in irritation.

He can feel Neil’s back move as he laughs his weird little hitching-breath giggle. Maybe he’s not as awake as Andrew thought, but that only makes the idea of falling asleep better. Who needs a space heater when Neil Josten is laying right next to you?

The blankets rustle. “Are you asleep?” Neil asks, right in front of his face.

Andrew runs his hand over the expanse of Neil’s back once more before letting it rest across the small of it under the sheet and tugs him closer just enough that their noses brush. “Not yet,” he breathes, and then falls asleep at last.

I never did end up posting this, so here’s my contribution to the Solas calendar project from awhile back.
I probably won’t be posting here anymore because studying architecture has sapped all of my desire to draw in my spare time, but for anyone who wants to see how i’m doing, i’m fairly active on instagram
Thank you to everyone who’s stuck around through my various fandom shenanigans. To all the friends I made along the way, hope you’re all well and wishing you the best in the future. <3

Nightmare on the Full Moon

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 1,494

Warnings: mentions of werewolf attacks, language, angst (shocker)

Summary by @impala-dreamerWhen the Winchesters found Y/N, covered in blood, fighting for her life to escape a wolf pack, they never knew they’d grow to love her. She fit into their lives perfectly, and quickly captured Dean’s heart. All was well until that one full moon when Y/N’s horrible secret was revealed. Will Dean put her down like the monster she is? Or will his love stop him?

A/N: I just wanna say that @impala-dreamer is like the absolute best when you need an idea for a new fic. Like…Beka is literally the bomb dot com hahah

A/N#2: Unbeta’d, so any and all mistakes are my own! 

**Feedback is greatly appreciated**

Originally posted by -i-am-a-mess-

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anonymous asked:

Don’t they need to do something more about the Author? The Host isn’t helpless just because he’s blind and he won’t be either.

The Author doesn’t exist anymore, technically speaking. That moment where the Host kneels down in front of him in the attic with the bright light, that’s Host accepting the Author as a part of him again. You see, the underlying story–even though it was more obviously about Anti being controlled and realizing what he himself has done to others–is about the Host accepting that the Author is part of him.

If you’ll recall, the Host removed the Author from himself when he was trying to find a way to remove Dark’s aura permanently. Host sees the Author as an undesirable side of him, sort of like the story of Jekyll and Hyde, but in the end, it’s important for us to accept who we were in the past, even if that person wasn’t the greatest. That person is still part of us, a sort of stepping stone to who we are now.

So when the Host finally accepts the Author as part of himself, the Author disappears once again. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense logically, but hey, it makes for a darn good metaphor.

The Road and the Damned
Coheed and Cambria

“I believed in the world right in front of me, But now, along these empty streets where this curse haunts these memories of a man, And all he’s lost. No time to think about it. No room to breathe. If I had a way back, I’d ride through the dark and the dawn (but please don’t wait for me) because the man you love don’t live anymore.”

I can’t go home again. Tonight you’ll sleep. You’ll feel what might become of me, my dear. Within these end old days where this longing turns this man to prey on a love that yearns to die. No time to live and doubt it Girl, I’m worth the second chance. (What have I done?!) No time to think about it, no room to breathe! If I had a way back, I’d ride through the dark and the dawn (but please don’t wait for me) because the man you love don’t live anymore. I can’t go home again. I believed in the world once in front of me, but now that’s gone. If I had the way back, I’d ride through the dark and the dawn (but please don’t wait for me) because the man you love don’t live anymore. I can’t go home again. Bye, goodbye.[x3] Bye, my dear…”

snake--master  asked:

Why were season 1 and (kinda) season 2 so tightly wound and cohesive, with season 3 and onward feeling like complete messes? It actually felt like the show was well-thought out and going somewhere at one point.

i was thinking about it too. like after the cluster and malachite arc, it was like “well what now?”

i love hit the diamond (still one of my favorite episodes from the show) but i feel so damn frustrated that when the rubies showed up, they were only here for jasper. Not to capture and interrogate peridot.

It seems like later on the writers ended up developing an ego for themselves, assuming they can just throw in whatever shit they want and people would suck it up, and for a while they did. hell i wont deny it and act like i was never in love with season 3 when i first saw it.

nothing was built up anymore. Remember how the show kept hinting at the diamonds, at garnet being a fusion, pearl being a slave, amethyst being overcooked, the fact that there’s remnants of a long forgotten gem war. Fucking BISMUTH being implied all the way back in season 1.

Now we have shit pop up out of no where and the writers still expect the audience to be impressed by it. Rose being framed COULD have been clever if it was properly set up, but blue zircon’s argument made absolute jackshit because we, the audience, were not given any hints or clues for how this could be. This show keeps making baity trailers like “oh snap guys! shits gonna get real now!” but everything’s reserved to one bomb or special, and the aftermath is rarely felt. 

our second to last bomb raised so many questions but all it did was make steven go “aw my mom made the genocidal slave owner cry :/”. REBECCA! YOU CANT JUST DO THAT AND EXPECT US TO BE INVESTED.

it’s a show of a downgrade in writing (i mean zuke was being super self indulgent and it took almost 2 seasons for her to finally stop???) and the writers just losing touch. they cant keep having emotional and melodramatic episodes and skimp out on the action, worldbuilding and ACTUAL tension this show used to have

I just really love Taylor and I will never stop supporting her and defending her and sometimes I think that the world will never understand why I love her so much and that’s okay becuase the world hasn’t always been there for me but Taylor has, and there’s no way I can ever explain all the positives that have come to my life because of Taylor and that’s okay because I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone anymore, I can just continue doing what I’ve always done and know that regardless of what other peoples opinions are, that she will always be one of my best friends who helped me through so many dark times.

anonymous asked:

Okay so I have been trying to figure out why this song was released before others. I mean I thought she was going to go for a more meaningful song with depth cause we already got the fun/sassy/Dancy song with the first two. I thought the point of promo single is to show what the album has to offer? Why do you think she chose this?

well i might be wrong, but taylor always tells a story and not only with her albums but the way the tracks roll out.

look what you made me do was basically the alarm going off in the world’s ears… to say listen up bitches y’all done pissed me off and here is the thing i know what you said and you all suck and you wanna call me a snake fucking fine im gonna embrace being a snake so hard that your insult doesnt hurt anymore because me and my fans are all gonna be wearing snake merch how do you like that one… and things are different now and im not putting up with your shit or playing nice imma be honest AF..and im going to do things my way. In line with not doing any promo and sharing personal things on social media all that. And then also a, ‘hey im back’. So that was the alarm. The prologue to the story if you will.

But then i think that then ready for it is supposed to be the general introduction to the main plot story - to joe, to the fact that the album is gonna talk a lot about him, their love story, to the things that came to the table and then how she sees her future with him forever and ever and ever and ever 

and then with gorgeous, now she is backtracking and going okay kids, here is how the story actually started. 

and it will continue to unfold. 

Even though Justins body ain’t really beautiful to me anymore because the tattoos just got out of control and I don’t like bodies which are completely covered with tattoos, I still love him the way I do. He will always be the most beautiful boy inside and out for me & the most important person in my life. I will always support him, AND defend him when I have to - doesn’t matter what’s going to happen. Justin has always been there for me when I needed him, in my brightest and my darkest moments. I just can’t leave him. Doesn’t matter how mad I am at him - doesn’t matter what he would do. I will always love him the way I do and he will always be the love of my life - in every kind of way. This boy is my everything - all of my heart. He has my heart & my soul. I don’t care if he would get uglier by the second - he will always be the most beautiful person to me. I just love this boy way too much. He’s my absolute world.

This is usually a slow process. It requires dedication. It requires a gradual unfoldment without looking for objects, without seeking, time or space, without wondering how long it’s going to take. If you can have that attitude and just be at satsang that would be enough. You wouldn’t have to do any practice. But because life hits you squarely in the head and you lose your way again, you have to keep practicing sadhana over and over again. Simply because you’ve allowed yourself to react to life’s conditions.

But like I say if you forget about time, if you don’t think anymore, I want to be enlightened, you simply come to satsang. Something will happen, you will feel it over time. All of your samskaras will begin to drop away. Your karma will be burnt up. You will come to high conclusions by yourself. And you will be there. So take it easy. There is no rush. It took you a lifetime to be where you are now, maybe twenty lifetimes, maybe a hundred lifetimes, maybe a thousand lifetimes to be what you are today. Therefore sometimes getting rid of all your stuff does not come overnight.

Stop fighting. Stop being angry at yourself and stop reacting, all is well.

Sri Robert Adams

anonymous asked:

My girlfriend just broke up with me but I can still brag because she’s an amazing person. She has the most amazing smile and a contagious laugh and she lights up the room every single time. She’s beautiful and funny and anyone would be lucky to have her. She may not be my girlfriend anymore but she’s still my world and she’s very special either way

Breaks my heart she left you and you still think about her that way 😞 I hope that what happened between you guys can be fixed! ♥️

The Road Not Taken (Part 1)

An AU of What Could Have Been, had Obi not run off. Vignettes from the life they might have had instead. Thanks @sabraeal for putting the idea in my head and @youseimanami for beta reading and encouragement.

Shirayuki was putting flowers in vases, handling each carefully just the way her mother had shown her. Mukaze watched her, his cheeks still raw from tears. Obi didn’t know what to do, what could help either of them. He’d never known his mother to lose her. Sumi had been very kind to him, but his nine years’ experience of people was just this. They always left you in the end.

Keep reading

Fear The Walking Dead Finale

spoilers below the line

So is it bad that I’m angry at Madison for killing Troy? I mean I don’t think she killed him because of what he had done (which also, how could she not know about Troy leading a horde to the ranch?). She hadn’t killed him by the awful things he had done before, so why would she now? No. I think she killed him because he was getting too close to her son, Nick. Troy even said that Nick was his only friend and like a brother and I think that was what triggered her. Did I believe in Trick? In some ways yes, but regardless of whether it was platonic or not I believe that is why Troy was killed by her. Well that and she knew she couldn’t manipulate him anymore.

There were a lot of thinks that Troy did that I didn’t like, but you have to remember he had a racist and alcoholic father and I think an abusive mother and that contributes to the way he became. But he did say that when he was with Nick hugging in the middle of walkers coming towards them he felt fear. So Nick and Troy had something. Nick didn’t even want to go back to his mother, but Troy convinced him to go.

Troy also could have had to much more character development and I really enjoyed the way Daniel Sharman portrayed the character. I don’t think I can continue watching Fear anymore since Troy is gone way before he needed to be with an awful death, but I can’t stand Madison at all.


[on Gareth Ritter in Braindead] “I guess I’m always kind of just looking for interesting characters. I was familiar with the Kings because I did an episode of The Good Wife a long time ago, so I knew them and knew the casting director really well. Again, it’s a show they’re doing of this kind of calibre on CBS, it had all those things going for it. I just thought this guy was really interesting, even though he’s a Republican, he’s kind of an old school Republican in the way we don’t see anymore. Coming off a show, even though I was playing a really smart whatever, he was kind of the new guy. What appealed to me about this was this guy was kind of already at the height of what he’s doing, in the middle of it. I really liked that, how good he was at his job and then of course the way that they were able to kind of comment on what’s happening in the world through the guise of these bugs. We can kind of get away with a lot. I thought there was a long way to go, which is always good for television. You need places for all the characters to go and the story to go.” – Aaron Tveit


Sometimes I contemplate are my friends even my friends anymore?.. cause I swear I don’t know who they are anymore and it bothers me so much because one is my best friend who says I’m hers also but doesn’t really acknowledge me then my other friend is also one of my best friends but acts different when there around other people..literally I don’t wanna complain about this because I know this is silly but I’ve been stuck in this position for fucking ever and it’s like there is no way to get out. I don’t know what to say do or think it’s like do I tell them how I feel or just leave it because I know it will cause problems. I literally just wanna go hide under a damn rock.. Also the 2nd friend got my best friend into doing this shit that she’s never done before but I stay out of it because I know they don’t give 2 fucks :/// FML

You know what really gets me about all of the anger directed toward x-not-discourse blogs? The fact that exclusionists are trying to claim that those blogs posting unrelated posts in the discourse tag is “silencing” them.

Like, no, it’s really not. Having a bunch of cats and butterflies, and whatever the hell else in the discourse tag doesn’t silence you or anyone else. You’re still free to post whatever you’d like discourse-wise in that tag. There’s nothing stopping you. These blogs aren’t stopping you. Are they getting in the way of your post being found? Sure. But not anymore than (and actually less than) if someone had blocked you. When someone blocks you, that entirely removes any posts you made in the discourse tag from their view. Is that silencing? Is it silencing for a large portion of inclusionists to have popular exclusionists blocked?

Anyway, I digressed a bit there. Regardless, x-not-discourse blogs not existing in no way is “silencing” because it in no way interferes with your ability to share your thoughts. It just means there’s going to be a bit of extra scrolling if you want to see other discourse posts - unless you block x-not-discourse blogs that is.


Exclusionists complain about being “silenced” when, in reality, they aren’t being, simultaneously to using silencing tactics on queer people. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

Let me explain. You get posts like this, or like this, or like this where someone is talking about themselves being queer, or about the community of queer identifying people (ie. “the queer community”), and without fail, there will be at least one person who has to go on a rant about, “yeah, well, don’t use it on other people!” And in at least the first example’s case (a bit in the second’s), if you look through the notes, it’s more than just one person. It becomes an enormous dog-piling effort. It didn’t happen to me because my blog isn’t popular enough, but more popular queer inclusionists often face an exclusionist dog-pile if they so much as mention that they’re queer.

And the purpose of these dog-piles? They’re not to make sure people don’t use the word queer on other people without permission, obviously, because that isn’t happening in pretty well every case of this happening. It’s absolutely to discourage people from talking about identifying as queer, and talking about and forming queer community. It’s an effort to impede those who want to talk about their queerness by setting up this barricade of hate and vitriol that they have to get through before they’re actually able to communicate with other queer people.

That is silencing.

anonymous asked:

hey carol. i'm sorry i chose you to let this out on. it's just because i feel as if i'm not who i used to be - in a good way. i've become better. i'm not weak anymore. i can fight for my words that hold truths, and i can guide myself to go to a better path. however as if i don't like interacting with people a lot now. maybe friends, i can, but i have a very active life and i don't like pretending as if i'm always mirthful and full of life anymore, i also +

(cont). + like being alone and prefer not talking but when i do this, the people assume i’m sad. i’m not? i just prefer silence. i prefer my thoughts getting tangled up in my head, about the stories i’ve recently read. just, me. i prefer being alone. and i hate how when i try to explain this, they just think i’m in “a temporary bad mood”, “it’ll be gone”, because no. i just, prefer this better?? please shut up? they’re nice but i really hate it when they assume this is sadness, its not. its peace.

i mean if you want to be alone and prefer your own company then it’s not anyone else’s place to tell u that’s wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️ do your own thing + whatever makes you happy

You looked like my rapist.

My mouth became sandpaper,

and my legs were weak.

Swiftly scanned for a name tag;

It said your name was Omar,

and that wasn’t his name/

it isn’t his name.

I approached the counter since

I couldn’t think of a rational reason

to turn around and go-

It wasn’t him, after all, it wasn’t him.

I asked for cigarettes, because

I forgot what I even came here for.

I don’t even fucking smoke anymore.

I did when I was nineteen,

when he first happened to me.

Left my keys on the counter,

and I was forced to see you twice.

Then I tripped on the curb

on my way out the door.

His name wasn’t Omar, so

why am I smoking again

to escape from him again?

You were just another tired face, today,

that sort-of resembled my rapist.

Fanart + Fic Rec

I’ve been hooked on this story for SO SO long and here it is! Mika and Yuu’s artstyles seem different what do I do TT_TT. I’ve spent WAY too much time drawing it I’m drained~ it’s not a doodle anymore.. If ppl enjoy it I’ll probably make more, I guess. I do hope the fandom isn’t dead yet c’:

This is from Garden of Hades Chapter 8, a fanfiction written by phenomenal, ingenious @6lilystrings9. If you haven’t read it yet, I strongly recommend you do. DO IT! DON’T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS because that’s what this fic is- it’s a dream you never knew you needed!!

It has canon!Yuu and grumpy vampire!Mika who’s not so grumpy in the latest chapters. Yuu-chan doesn’t have his uniform for most of the time but it’s not what it may look like so give it a try anyway. In this story Mika’s icy walls are melted by Yuu-chan and Mika, a century old vampire, *SPOILERS but whatev* goes from despising humans (and vampires!) to actually, genuinely caring about one. Yuu in Mikaela’s eyes goes from it to him to Yuuichirou and it’s incredible how she managed to pull it off so smoothly. The story is handled rly rly well, has plenty of depth and detail but it ain’t boring at all, 11/10 I’ll tell you that!

warning: sappy post about hobi

I don’t know if it’s because I’m emotional right now or just because I actually genuinely am in love with this boy but Hoseok truly is just … sweet. So sweet. There’s something about his whole being that actually makes my heart flutter. He’s just sweet and sincere you know? I don’t know how to put this into words. I want to hug him, I want to protect him from all harm, I want to show him how much we all love him, I want to show his talent to the world. Seeing him gives me so much energy and he inspires me so damn much. I love this guy because he’s sweet. He’s so sweet. HE’S SO DAMN S W E E T. The way he looks at his members with love and trust and omg he’s so kind i don’t know anymore how can he be so nice?

Ok I’ll sleep now but like. He’s so sweet????? Help