because the experience is new to me

oldmancaleb  asked:

Shot that CZ Compact of mine for the first time today, most comfortable and accurate shooting experience of my life. Thanks for loving CZ's so much that it influenced me! How do you like, its either the p-01 or the sp-01 whichever ones the compact, if you have any experience with it? Might pick that up next

Glad you’re enjoying your new CZ!

Now, I own both an Urban Grey SP-01 Tactical & a CZC P-01 SDP.

Even with the extra work done to the P-01, I still prefer my nearly stock SP-01 over it. Mostly because it fits my large-ass hands better, softer shooting, and is silly accurate (groups better than a friend’s Wilson Combat X-Tac Elite and groups nearly as well as a SIG X5 & CZ TS).

With you already owning a compact, I’d say go for the SP-01. But if you want another excellent carry piece, get the P-01.

Lil Update

Getting the fuck out of this house next week. Probably gonna take legal actions against my landlord too. I can’t keep living like this.

It finally happened today, I managed to touch the bottom (and it was a really enlightening experience because self-harm IS NOT THE ANSWER TO ALL PROBLEMS) and it’s pointless to live in a house that for a year has always been giving me problems on top of other problems that I could have solved easily if I wasn’t so scared of not taking the easy way out. I’m moving to a safer space, to the home of a family I became part of, looking for a fresh new start and working harder than before to find happiness.

So yeah commissions are closed for the moment lol, as soon as I set up my computer I’m gonna drop another quick update to let you guys know that I’m still alive and kicking.

Depression is a bitch but bitches always get fucked

Colored of Flapper Glamoured Hilary. I had to learn a whole new other program for school since I had to stay away from photoshop and Procreate for some assignments, so I painted the sketch in Autodesk Sketchbook Pro app, because thats what my final has to be done on. Digital painting is still really hard for me, I’m not very good at it at all, but I hope this looks okay @littleagranger because now I’m working on Emily, as well as some finals for school. My whole week has been hell when it comes to technology because one program didn’t work and then my cat ate three of my iMac and iPad charging cables so I’m a little ticked with using my works for school. But of course I can’t be mad at my cat because he’s a kitten thats teething but god dammit still. Anyways, I let a load off, so I’m just gonna end this conversation with me hoping you enjoy this one colored piece I managed to do as an experiment to understand a new program that I still have no idea how to use it.

I attended a writing clinic today which lasted about 5 hours. It was super intense but also super inspiring and I learned a lot about writing in general and my personal writing in particular. It was an overall amazing experience and I enjoyed it a lot. I got complimented on my final work in the end, which was amazing, since the teacher was a writer I really admire, so it was really great hearing good things from him about my writing and being so encouraging. And, since the last exercise was based on improvisation and combining multiple prompts (one new prompt every 5 to 7 minutes for about 50 minutes, all of them connecting on a whole piece of short fiction and being as cohesive as possible), it was very challenging for me, because I’m very analytical and don’t tend to improvise at all. It went much better than I expected. Anyway, I wanted to share this because not those many people around me care much about how I did and sometimes posting about stuff gives you a sense of sharing, whether people care or not lmao 

10

(Y: I guess we’re doing it again for mine, too.)

((In reference to this post. Extra: [x] ))

how i see bap stans through stan tumblr:

daehyun stans: 

  • THE MOST INTENSE
  • love daehyun to the fullest
  • support everything he does
  • “JAKGBFGHD DAEHYUN’S BACK TATTOOS”
  • love every hair color he has. even the unicorn one
  • they all miss strawberry dae
  • agree that he would be the best father in bap next to himchan

youngjae stans:

  • general consensus that he is not straight
  • “BUBBLE TEA”
  • squish jae is the best jae
  • nicest legs in kpop
  • excited as fuck for his solo (arent we all)
  • underappreciated vocal
  • know that he a lying ass bitch but love him regardless
  • i dont trust them

himchan stans:

  • “HIMCHAN IS SO UNDERAPPRECIATED”
  • he rly is tho
  • would kill 10 men if it meant that ts would give him more lines and screen time
  • would also kill to see himchan in a variety/drama show
  • he thicker than a bowl of oatmeal and stans love it
  • “STOP TELLING HIMCHAN TO DIET AKGJAHGN”

zelo stans:

  • the purest
  • where tf are the zelo stans hiding
  • they all want to see his stomach tattoo more
  • i know this because i also want to see it more
  • one of them will get their hands on a zelo nude but i’d bet it would never get out bc they’re so low key
  • they rly just want the best for this manbaby

yongguk stans:

  • yongguk: *breathes*: oH my god/??? kings only i fucking cant this precious man he deserves the world
  • am 4:44 broke their hearts
  • yamazaki was the best night/morning of their lives
  • shrek/bang yongpin are cursed topics we dont discuss
  • they are all depressed and love yongguk more than they love anything else
  • someone: you look kinda zoned out whats up
  • a yongguk stan at any given moment: yongGUKGUKGUK

jongup stans:

  • lowkey, but not more lowkey than junhong stans
  • chillest stans in kpop
  • a jongup stan could literally meet jongup and just be like “nice”
  • they know that jongup lowkey got cake
  • they fr got a song about jongup fucking you in a car and honestly…. that was a blessed period for them all
  • appreciate his dancing more than ts does
  • the only stans that dont forget he is in bap

indy-ts4  asked:

Hi I'm indy I'm a new follower I plan on going in to computer science! Any advice ?

Hi there! Ohhh that’s so awesome, good luck! Computer science is an amazing subject to study! I was terrified at first because I haven’t had much experience in coding before going to uni, but you’re going to be just FINE trust me!  ✨

💻  first of all DON’T BE SCARED YOU CAN’T CODE - that’s why you’re going to computer science in the first place, to learn to code. Of course, there’s going to be people who are pro-coders already, but don’t get intimidated by them, find your own pace and just do your thing! They’re probably repeating the year anyway or they transferred.

💻  I know in computer science you’re mostly like ‘why do I need lectures when I need to CODE not listen about coding’, but trust me GO TO LECTURES - I attended (almost) every lecture possible during my first year and it really made a World of a difference especially if you’re a newbie to all of this! You’ll meet the professors and you’ll know what they’re expecting of you and they’ll probably tell you some funny stories as well. Plus you’ll have more familiar faces on the campus :) 

💻  DO SOME READING - there’s one lecture that I didn’t go to and that was a mistake I tell you. I didn’t go because the lecturer's voice was boring and I was literally falling asleep. But after I did some reading about the subject before the exam I realized his words were very valuable, but unfortunately if you already knew a bit about the subject, so if you have a subject that bores you - do some reading on your own and then go to the lecture. you’ll get much more information out of it! 

💻  CODE AT HOME - after you’ve practiced some skills during the classes, go home and practice them again on your own. Try doing something useful or fun with it. Like make it print out “Yolo” in a circle (I did that, no regrets lmao)

💻  INSTALL ALL THE SOFTWARE DURING YOUR FIRST WEEK - install all the things you’re going to need during the year on your first week, honestly, please do! It’ll save you time later on. As soon as the professor mentions what you should install, note it down, go home, install it. 

💻  PRACTICE EVEN REALLY SIMPLE THINGS - if you don’t understand anything just type it on youtube and you’ll find plenty of the video tutorials which ARE AMAZING. They helped me a lot with understanding some stuff I couldn’t get a grip of. And I know you’ll find some stuff that you’re like “I don’t need to practice this, this is trivial” IT’S NOT and you’ll get it wrong if you don’t code it at least once, just do it, it’ll take like 30s. 

💻  here are some links which really helped me out and I would recommend checking out beforehand: 
* c++ step by step video tutorials with Bucky (Bucky saved me before the exam)
* learn c++ in one video ( doesn’t really teach you c++ in one video, but there’s some useful stuff especially if you’re new to this) 
* sorting algorithms with hungarian folk dance (lmao these are really useful, I promise) 
* codeacademy (here’s just basic coding, but good to start with :) )
*  introduction to 3D graphics with Blender ( THE GOD OF BLENDER) 
and finally:
* incredibly realistic wolf animation 

HAVE FUN, RELAX AND GOOD LUCK!  ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ Hope this helped! 

People getting bent out of shape on my Skyrim mod post need to take a moment and chill to consider that I downloaded the mod, and I know this seems like a strange concept to some of you, to have fun.

I was amused and intrigued by how exactly the modders had got it to work so I took some of my rare free time to do something I enjoy doing, which is to try and push Skyrim to it’s absolute limits before flames shoot out the back of my CPU.

And because it was a pregnancy mod, and lets be fair here, a fairly mild pregnancy mod that talked about ovulation and fertile phases and let you go through the (moderately) realistic requirements to menstruate and get pregnant, people lost their god damn minds.

Ain’t no one bats an eye if you add 14 “realistic gore mods” and “hunt like a real hunter” mods where the game is moded to require you to skin and gut and tan and salt and do all the things required to live like a fantasy hunter in Ye Olde Dragon Worlde. But god forbid some creators make a survival mod that wonders “hey, what would it be like to menstruate in this world, what would it be like to be a dragonborn capable of getting pregnant and giving birth or having a spouse who could get pregnant and give birth, how would that affect the story” and putting so much god damn effort into their mod that you are able to do just that. 

Your character, if female, goes through monthly phases, your character is in control of their body and can choose have a baby, either with their Mara blessed spouse or that guy they pick up on the road along the lonely way to Solstheim. And then because the mod is so well made, said baby bump turns into an actual baby you have to either ditch with your partner (or reluctant house carl, bye Lydia, have fun) which then turns into a child who will either follow you, or stay at home with your other adopted children and adopt random foxes or rabbits or in one memorable instance due to a glitch, a fucking cave bear, then ask you if they can keep it on your return home.

For some of us, that is the gaming experience we enjoy. We enjoy the concept of the hero who returns home, to whatever that means. We enjoy playing with new concepts, with other forms of realism. I’m no less a dedicated Role Player just because my mod list doesn’t include 101 ways to pillage your way across Skyrim like a lost GoT cast member.

 Me playing with a whacky pregnancy mod is not a step “too far”. You calling me and gamers like me “the worst” is hyperbolic overkill. I am not “ruining” skyrim for anyone, except possibly myself when the game glitches and out and I lose 456 hours of game play to a pie shop mod. (worth it)

Just chill the heck out and let people have their fun. Whether it’s that big titty anime mod or one that adds 75 new deadly diseases to the game that will 100% kill you if you don’t have the right potion on hand/ We’re not affecting how you play your game. Just let me get on with breaking mine.

This is the golden age of something good and right and real

Thanks for having me over and trusting me with your new album and sharing so many stories. Also thanks for talking to me about cats because obviously that the only thing that matters lmao I love you so much Taylor and I’ll never forget this experience! @taylorswift

Mike/Will Season 2, Episode 1: A Shot by Shot Analysis

Ok, here it is! The first installation of my shot-by-shot analysis series! 

Some things to know before reading: 

  1. This series will go episode by episode and each post will discuss scenes that I think are relevant to understanding Mike and Will’s relationship. I’m publishing them as I write them, so I might miss things. If I do, I’ll be sure to include them later. 
  2. This analysis focuses on what I think the Duffers’ intentions are as far as this pairing and what the Mike/Will scenes in season two could indicate about season three. It’s not always going to reflect that Byeler is endgame, because as much as I love Byeler (and I really do), I just don’t think it’s going to be canon, at least not in the way that we hope. Don’t despair, though. 
  3. If you haven’t, read my Is Will Byers Gay? post first! It basically establishes my thoughts about Gay Will. Give it a reblog if you’re so inclined :) Note that I wrote it BEFORE I knew about the stranger things bible clipping which basically confirms it, which you can find here.
  4. These are just my thoughts/opinions! Feel free to disagree, and please do! Just do so respectfully :) I wrote this because I love Stranger Things, something we ultimately all have in common. If you have negative/nasty opinions about this analysis or are offended by the suggestion that Will Byers is gay, I ask politely that you keep them to yourself. 
  5. I couldn’t find gifs for everything I wanted :/ if someone knows a better way to do this, I’d appreciate the help!
  6. Anyway, thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoy! (Also: I’m tagging @packupyourthingses @leondrmccoys @we-dance-like-marionettes who (I think?) asked to be tagged, and @thebandersnatchoftheshire who expressed an interest in the post a while back.)


EPISODE 1: MAD MAX

Let’s start off with some general observations. 

  • In the first season, Will is missing, leaving his three best friends and Eleven to recover him. In the second season, Will is back, Eleven is gone, and Max has joined the party. Obviously, each of these changes makes a significant contribution to existing group dynamics. Mike, for example, changes significantly in the wake of Eleven’s departure, while Lucas and Dustin are overjoyed at Max’s arrival.
  • In season 1, storylines are segmented by age group. i.e., the kids, teenagers, and adults all embark on separate adventures that ultimately converge. As we would expect of a second installation, narratives in season two reflect character and story arcs established earlier. As a result, the groups are not so neatly divided. Ergo, Steve hangs with Dustin/Lucas/Max, Mike/Will end up with Joyce/Hopper, etc. 
  • Crucially, the core group of boys is divided into pairs. Mike and Will spend most of the season together, as do Dustin and Lucas. The use of these pairs, which are established almost immediately, is an unmistakeable narrative device all throughout the season.

1. Arcade

The arcade scene is the first in the season of all the boys together. They spend the first half of it together playing video games, arguing with Keith, etc, and the second half divided into pairs. This begins when Will is transplanted suddenly into the upside down and steps outside the arcade.

Lucas and Dustin, at that point, are preoccupied with divining MadMax’s true identity. Because of this, it’s Mike who comes out to check on Will, and likely the one who noticed he was missing in the first place. This is the first clue as to the extent of the closeness between the two. It’s deliberate: as we see here, and throughout the season, Will/Mike and Dustin/Lucas are partitioned, and their individual friendships are developed.

In the scene, Mike comes outside and finds Will. He then makes sure he’s okay, puts his arm around him, and guides him inside. This gesture, to me, reads as pretty innocuous physical affection (of course, you’re welcome to disagree). It was, however, a conscious stylistic choice, made by the duffers with the intention of communicating a number of things. In this scene, we begin to learn firstly that Mike and Will are close, and secondly, that Mike is protective of Will, concerned for his wellbeing, and (probably) an important source of emotional support. The arm gesture underscores Mike’s key character traits: his protectiveness, his characteristic warmth and compassion for others, and his ability to take charge when the situation calls for it and help those in need. 

Here’s why that matters: Mike’s behavior in this particular scene is especially interesting in the context of his recent character development. Eleven’s disappearance has clearly affected him profoundly, and in the first three episodes of the season, we learn just how much. Earlier in episode one we see him stealing from Nancy, and in a later scene with his parents, we learn that he’s acted out in a number of ways over the past year, all indicating that Mike’s moral compass, distinct and venerable in season 1, has weakened somewhat. Same goes for his trademark positivity and determination. This season he’s sullen, irritable, apathetic, and in [my paraphrasing of] Finn Wolfhard’s own words, “not as much of a leader.” 

And yet, Mike manages to be there for Will in that moment, to take note of his presence (or lack thereof), to guide him, to help heal him. It would appear that, in Mike’s moody “post-eleven period”, it is in his relationship with Will that he has remained his best self. 

The question is, WHY? In the first episode of Beyond Stranger Things, Finn Wolfhard remarks (and the Duffers agree) that in Eleven’s absence, Mike needs “someone to impress” and therefore “tries to impress Will”. I also agree with this interpretation. Romance aside, Mike and El’s relationship is (among other things) characterized by a deep mutual admiration. Will, who’s obviously vulnerable, is an opportunity for Mike to be important to someone again, to be needed. Because of this, Will in particular has assumed a new level of importance in Mike’s life post-eleven, because in a way, Will helps Mike cope with the trauma of his loss. And, of course, Mike is very important for Will, who needs someone compassionate, sweet and understanding to help him cope with his trauma. They’re bonded by shared horrifying experiences from season 1: Will going missing; Mike losing El. They are, for all intents and purposes, “crazy together”. 

I can’t say with certainty that their relationship has a new dimension/purpose/function in the wake of all that’s happened, because Will was missing for the entirety of last season and we saw basically nothing of their friendship, so it’s impossible to make a comparison. But, I predict that in the aftermath of season one, Mike and Will’s (already close) friendship matured and deepened, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the change in their friendship had an effect on Will and how he sees their relationship. 

What are the implications of this? It’s worth it to consider:

  • The effects of this close relationship on Will. How does he feel about his closeness with Mike, new or not? How does he feel about the reemergence of Eleven? I predict angst. Lots of it. 
  • The potential of a love triangle. There are a bunch of amazing posts about this, find some here and here. I’m not convinced we’ll get one, but it’s interesting to consider in the context of this analysis. Remember that Will and Eleven have never interacted (which I think is also deliberate). How will Mike balance his emotional responsibilities to both Will and Eleven? How will Will and Eleven adjust to each other, when each of them is emotionally significant to and in some form, emotionally reliant on, Mike Wheeler? (Not suggesting Eleven needs Mike, she obviously doesn’t need a man, but it would be silly to deny how much he means to her, and vice versa.) Consider also, that there are SO MANY parallels between Will and Eleven. SO MANY. There are a lot of posts already analyzing this, I’ll link one here.

That being said, I do think Mike and Will have always been close. There are hints to this even in season 1. Exhibits A and B.

2. Mr. Clarke’s room

The next shot we see of the boys is in Mr. Clarke’s classroom, just before Max is first introduced. They sit in two rows of two: Dustin and Lucas in front; Will and Mike in back. This, if just visually, emphasizes the “pairs” theory I discussed earlier. Dustin and Lucas look at and whisper to only each other. 

3. Will gets in Joyce’s car while Dustin, Lucas and Mike watch from a distance

The physical set up of this scene again is deliberate. Mike is in front, with Lucas and Dustin behind him. (If you think this is grasping at straws, try picturing the scene with Dustin up front - it changes the mood). All the boys are concerned; Mike especially so. The exchange is as follows: Lucas asks, “Do you guys think he’s okay?”, to which Mike says, “I don’t know, he’s quiet today”. Lucas responds, “He’s always quiet.”

Then, the camera zooms in on Mike’s particularly troubled expression. We, the audience, KNOW that all is not well. We KNOW Will had an episode the night before, which explains why “he’s quiet today”. Lucas dismisses Mike’s uncertainty, but WE know that Mike is right. This is supposed to tell us that out of the group, Mike is the most intuitive/perceptive when it comes to Will, and that Lucas and Dustin obviously care very deeply for Will, but don’t know him like Mike does.

4. Lucas and Dustin at the arcade.

In this scene, Lucas and Dustin are at the arcade, trying to figure out if Max is MadMax. Will isn’t there because he’s at Hawkins lab, but where is Mike? Mike is uninterested in Max from the beginning (and so is Will, for that matter, beyond wanting to figure out if she’s MadMax. I don’t think we ever see them interact directly). 

Mike is unessential to the scene, so there’s no real reason to have him there, but I thought it was interesting that they weren’t all hanging out. This scene demonstrates that Lucas and Dustin are a pair. They have shared jokes, a witty banter, and now a shared goal, which is to befriend Max. That goal bonds them and frames their eventual storyline of setting a trap for Dart.

5. Will drawing in his room

(Sorry guys - I couldn’t find a screencap of the line I wanted; if you find one where Will says Mom, Dustin, Lucas, Everyone” PLEASE let me know!)

When Will takes Jonathan to task for treating him like a baby, he implicates “Mom, Dustin, Lucas, everyone”. The only person he doesn’t mention is Mike, which is interesting, because so far, Mike is the only one of the friend group we’ve seen express concern for Will in any capacity. This is ABSOLUTELY on purpose. Again, it emphasizes their close relationship and alludes to a symbiosis: later in the exchange, Will says “It doesn’t help. It just makes me feel like more of a freak.” Perhaps he doesn’t feel alienated by Mike’s help because Mike has been through something similar, which makes him also a freak.

It’s worth it to mention that Will has no screen time alone with any of the other characters. I think it’s probably because the writers felt the only relationship of Will’s they needed to emphasize was with Mike. 

SO…

That’s it for episode 1! Let me know if there’s anything I missed! 

Highlights of last night’s campaign
  • DM (me) being told by 2 people different ways to correctly say wyvern. 
  • New Party member joins, “I have bad memory” = “Roll to see if you even remember these assholes” 
  • Doesn’t remember, the rogue and the ranger use their persuasion skills while getting a themed assist by the bard’s performance skill and synth playing
  • “Do we have to kill it?” “I’m going to kill it” “…I am never healing you.” (Cleric to new party member) 
  • Me, explaining to the bard the wyvern egg won’t hatch a wyvern “you got a huge chicken egg basically”
  • Ranger and Rogue both skin the wyvern for pelts
  • The VEGETARIAN CLERIC gets 10 rations worth of wyvern steaks
  • “I’m a fighter I put all of my stats into strength” pause “I have a -1 in intelligence” Suddenly his poor memory makes sense
  • Me introducing a historical war between Drows and the common folk of faerun
  • The only drow rolls a 1 in history “I never heard of this ever in my entire life” 
  • Ranger finally gets her poison kit and finds an npc to help her craft her first poison
  • Makes a vile of laughing juice
  • Cleric crafts healing herb salt
  • LEVEL 2 
  • The party get to take a bath and rest and all of them decide the soaps in the bath are from Ye Ole Lush
  • The immediately get turned into bathbombs

  • Everyone is mildly wary of the possible psychedelic but most likely just enchanted bathbombs
  • “Ok but is Ang (high elf ranger) going to have some kind of emotional crisis if she uses one”
  • “No she has a fucking great experience because they’re bathbombs”
  • the genasi cleric having used his water elemental form (he looks like he’s made of water) “So…do I take a bath or am I the bath?”
  • Made up Magical Novelty Items > Actually items in the book
  • The 6ft Drow Rogue now has 5 inch thigh high boots, a green scale breast pelt armor and a bowler’s hat
  • Trying to form backstory with the new (forgetful) human fighter “Do you remember me?” “No” “You tired to kill me!” “Oh…I forgot”
  • Luis (the human bard) “I go in to high five him” Bahemut (the human fighter) “I fist bump” Everyone else watches mortified
  • Party travels into a hot, sunny canyon, the drow “Sophia is like one step away from hurting someone” “Ang, tries to shad Sophia but she’s only 5ft” “Sophia is less angry at Ang”
  • The party can’t seem to hit an “ALASKAN BULL WORM”(ac 16)
  • Bard puts both the worm and the human fighter to sleep
  • 2 failed attempts to slap the human fighter hard enough to wake him up “You’ve caressed his face” “Your hand was so sweaty it slipped off his face”
  • npc uses a flaming crossbow dart and singes half the party (and the pig mascot) on failed dex saves and failed athletic saves to save the ones who failed their dex save
  • “Well you didn’t fucking die.” npc 
  • my lovely Party: @midnigtartist (Sophia the Drow Rogue) @1floweredcrown (Luis the human Bard) @lilldov (Hersheys the genasi Cleric(2) and Druid) : nontumblrs Ang the High Elf Ranger & Bahemut the Human Fighter and @limpblotter DM
4

Hi @taylorswift ! I would really love to tell you about my husband, Waylan - and thank you for the role your music has played in our relationship. We actually met ON TUMBLR and were long distance for a few months until he moved to my town in Virginia from his hometown of Cape Cod. He proposed on our 1 year anniversary, and we were married on June 5, 2016! He is so kind, compassionate, really hard-working, and absolutely hilarious. He takes really good care of me, even when I struggle with my anxiety and depression. I think you would really love him.

Starlight will always be a really special song to us because it’s how I first knew I REALLY liked him and wanted to be with him; I was listening to the song and after the line “We could get married, have ten kids and teach them how to dream,” I immediately thought of him and smiled. Then, I immediately began freaking out because I knew I was a goner! Needless to say, we prominently featured Starlight at our wedding reception. :) He is so enthusiastic about how much I love you - he actually just stayed up way later than he should have tonight, so he could listen to Gorgeous with me soooo many times in a row when it dropped!! The last thing he said to me before going to bed tonight was thanking me for sharing in the experience of listening to your new music.

Taylor, I’ve loved you for ten years now, and I so, SO badly want to meet you and hug you and thank you for everything. BUT, even more than that - it would be one of the greatest honors imaginable to introduce you to my best friend, incredible teammate, and love of my life. Your music inspired me to wait for, sacrifice for, and fight for the kind of love worth writing about. Now that I have that love, I would really, really like to introduce him to you.

Love,
Molly

The Value Of Just Shutting The Fuck Up Sometimes


A few weeks ago, I was doing an interview with a reporter and she was asking about almost every weird GamerGate conspiracy theory that had come up about me in the last few years. I’ve honestly forgotten more of them than I remembered at this point. She didn’t seem to understand why I’d never addressed most of the accusations which had ranged from whose dick I touched to literally murdering people. She said in researching me for the piece, she’d only ever found the weirdo accusations but not my version of events, and seemed to not understand why I wouldn’t just say what actually did or didn’t happen.

I can’t blame her for being curious. I think whenever we hear something wild, especially about someone or something we care about, we want to know answers. Lord knows if you’re the one being lied about, it’s a natural impulse to want to set the record straight or give your side of anything.

Sadly, that’s extremely short sighted. No one thinks about what might happen next.

It’s been over three years of being accused of all kinds of shit from all kinds of people, and if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned the importance of restraint and the responsibility that comes with having a large platform and gigantic visibility. It makes me feel like a kaiju where any small movement could potentially tip over a building. I’ve written a bunch in my book about how engaging with bad-faith accusations and signal boosting them just to refute them can easily backfire and ingrain false information in people’s minds even further. That can sometimes just come down to a math problem - if someone with an audience of 50 makes up a rumor about you, if you respond to it with your audience of 500, more people are going to see the false stuff than would otherwise. To complicate matters, there are enough people out there who think that even refuting something at all makes you look guilty. There are people who want you to be guilty because they already don’t like you. Frequently, bad-faith accusations will not be addressed by proof to the contrary, because you can’t reason someone out of something they didn’t reason themselves into in the first place. People are complicated.

But when you put your side of anything out there, the thing that comes next isn’t usually “oh, okay”. The thing that comes next is usually escalation. It’s people digging into shit trying to prove you wrong. It’s invasive, and it can have so much collateral damage.

For example, when people ask me why I didn’t address my ex’s claims about who I did and didn’t sleep with, even when I had the floor, I get why they’d ask. My own desire to keep some remaining shred of my privacy aside, those claims aren’t just about me. I’ve been accused of sleeping with people I haven’t ever really talked to, people who are pretty private in general who just want to be left the hell alone. I don’t have the right to drag them back into a messy situation that involves probably getting stalked and yelled at by nazis just to try and save my own skin, especially since it’s more likely than not that people are just going to believe whatever they want to anyway. Or maybe that’s me being cynical after watching years of people claiming that I fucked someone for a review I never got from a website I already had written for in the past. I honestly have, I think understandably, lost a bit of perspective on that particular point.

This is especially complicated by situations like mine, because I am under constant surveillance by people who hate my guts who are looking for people to hurt, and people looking to feed on “drama”, and people looking for new targets. If you think that’s being dramatic, there are places I know of that have threads specifically about stalking me *to this day* with literally thousands of posts in them. Bad faith actors aside, my audience is in the hundreds of thousands. The responsibility that comes with that is something I take extremely seriously.
It’s something that I encourage everyone else with big online platforms to take extremely seriously too. I think a lot of us internet famous folks ended up here without really trying to, and it’s easy to feel like “well I didn’t ask for this and it’s not my fault if something happens” and while, yeah, sure, you can’t take responsibility for the actions of other people (especially people who are super out there and just looking to hurt someone regardless of whatever you’re doing), I see no reason to not try to minimize harm. A power dynamic doesn’t cease to exist just because you didn’t explicitly seek that power out, or maybe didn’t even want it in the first place. People who have less resources than you will still have less resources than you regardless of how you feel about it.

When there’s a significant power differential at play, there’s harm algebra to be done when it comes to addressing disinformation. It’s not as simple as “just setting the record straight” in public, because once you make something public you give up a certain degree of control that you cannot get back. It might mean putting someone who is already hurting or has so much less than me in more harm than I’d ever face by just taking the reputation hit.

Sometimes there’s situations where I just have to take it on the chin, because nothing happens in a vacuum. Sometimes I just have to let it go, no matter how much it fucking sucks to have people out there tearing into you for reasons that really have very little to do with you, because the collateral damage is too much on too many people to justify any potential repairs to my reputation.

Honestly, it’s really not worth it to me to escalate a situation just to make a frequently pointless attempt at getting people to be more critical of the wild shit they read about me online, especially when it means probably hurting someone else. It’s been years and I still don’t know how to navigate a lot of this. I’ve tried so much already - talking about bigger stuff, proving what actually happened, attempting to prove negatives, responding only with screenshots of fighting game win screens. It’s not like people making shit up about me, regardless of motivation, is a novel occurrence in my life. It’s not like I’ve made the right call all the time - I’ve arrived at this method of dealing with shit after making a lot of *wrong* calls. I’ve been pretty open about being a bad fit for being a public figure of any sort - I was (and still feel) vastly unprepared to handle being a weird symbol to so many people who want all kinds of things from me regardless of if they need a villain or a hero or a symbol of whatever the fuck.

Frankly I can’t live my life around playing whack a mole with whatever new horseshit slithers out of the corners of the internet on any given day that ends in Y, because when I was trying to do that it really almost cost me my life.

A fun side effect of being a survivor of domestic violence is how easy it is to slip back into doubting your own life and experiences to a hyperbolic degree. A fun side effect of depression is feeling like everything you say and do is bad and wrong and that you’re worthless on a regular basis. A fun side effect of my PTSD is flashing back to being in that fucking elevator shaft when GamerGate started and I couldn’t sleep or eat and was convinced everyone would turn on me and I’d be alone forever any time some conspiracy comes up that hits me at just the right angle that it gets under my armor.

But I know that’s squarely out of my control. All I can do is manage what I do with that. I don’t know what else to do other than seek external advice from people smarter than me when something comes up that really gets under my skin or makes me doubt my own version of events even when I damn well know something didn’t happen to help counter the trashbrain filter that the disinformation comes in through because having those issues doesn’t let me off of any hooks. I don’t want to use any of that, or even my status as someone who is frequently targeted with shit that I’m too exhausted to type out so just picture me gesturing vaguely at everything to absolve me of anything. I don’t ever want to think I’m above reproach, so I check in with people around me who will be honest and call me on my shit. When I do fuck up, and I do because I’m a human in an extremely weird fucking situation, I do whatever seems like the right thing to do, not the face-saving thing to do. Sometimes, this is shit that’s done in private. I don’t know why people assume everything has to be handled extremely online. But overwhelmingly more often than not, shit is maliciously made up, and more often than not the only right move that will de-escalate shit and hurt the least amount of people is just letting it go and praying that people will see through it, or they’ll actually talk to me if they see some wild accusation. And if people wanted to look for reasons to think the worst and get the knives out immediately, honestly, I feel extremely done with anyone looking to build people up only to gleefully tear them back down. I’m tired and I’ve watched too many communities devour themselves to want any part of that, and am only interested in working toward a future that’s centered on restorative justice instead of exclusively punitive systems in different settings. I’m tired of enthusiastic disposibility masquerading as community. All that behavior says to me is that I was never safe around you in the first place.  

I know I’m taking a gigantic risk in even posting this to begin with because I know it’s an uncomfortable subject, but it feels like a bigger, longer-term risk to watch my comrades, siblings, and friends all scared and lost on either side of the power dynamic - both as people who have grievances with people with gigantic platforms, and as people who have gained both visibility and the jealousy and hatefollows that come with it. I’m tired of talking about this stuff in dms with other scared people who don’t know what to do. And by no means do I think this is the only way to deal with any of this - this is just how I feel, and how I approach being someone who went from being some random weirdo to being a cultural football. Your mileage may vary. Hopefully I figure out a way that’s less dehumanizing, and if I do, I’ll be sure and let you know. But again, I’m a random weirdo game developer. I’m figuring this shit out as I go, and I lean into my skids and wear my heart on my sleeve and if y'all want to throw me in the trash over being aggressively vulnerable and human at you, that’s ok. You don’t have to like me or support me, and I like trash anyway.

Shit’s pretty fucked up in the world right now (duh), but the very least we can do is really interrogate how and what we use our varying degrees of reach and visibility for. We have to see ourselves as part of something larger and look at our impact instead of just our intentions. For me, sometimes that means that being right doesn’t mean a damn thing and is unrelated to doing the right thing. Sometimes, for me, that means knowing when to just shut the fuck up and let people think what they’re gonna think. And if nothing else, I’ve seen that on a long enough timeline, people tend to figure out who makes shit up without my involvement.

So I’m only gonna say all of this once, here, so that I never have to say it again and I can point at it any time I’m asked to weigh in on something someone said about me on the internet, because god damn I’m tired and I’d rather spend my time and effort trying to help people and make dope shit than fuss about what people think they know about me.

How Does Ni work?

This is how I experience Ni, and how I observed it in Ni users I know. 

Listening is hard
I will often stop listening because the subject made me think about something else (something more interesting), then this new idea will lead me to another one, then another… In a few seconds, I’ll be far away in my head and will sometimes say things that’ll look totally random. I can also get enthusiastic and jump to a new subject, middle-sentence, because I got a new (better) idea to talk about (which can be annoying to other people). And having to pay attention to uninteresting things is intellectually painful because I have to make the effort to not drift away in my mind.

Thinking about everything, all the time
Our thought process is not straightforward unless we’re working on it to be that way (with Te’s help, for example, to get something done). We’re not thinking about a few things: we’re thinking about everything at once. Picture a black hole: no idea can escape; we think them all. It might seem to other people that we only have good ideas, or that we can’t have many ideas, because we’ll express only the best of them. We can’t trust an idea unless we’re sure we can’t think a better one.

Paralysis
How do you know you made the best choice? How can you be sure your idea is the best? You can’t. You don’t know. This can get us stuck. Sometimes, we miss opportunities by hesitating too long. We have to rely on our other functions to move, to do something. And we have to trust ourselves. 

Hello, intensity, my old friend.
Ni is deep. Sometimes, a bit heavy. It makes us drawn to intellectual things, art with a great meaning, talking about what moves people (love, their interests, hard things they experienced, things that changed them…), books on various topics… I often won’t think someone is my friend if we don’t share something special. If you’re just a body to spend time with and have fun, that’s nice, but I won’t be your friend unless I’m sure I deeply know you.

Turn it off, please!
Ni is all about wisdom, blah blah… I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. I try to, mostly through my inferior Se: eating, drinking, singing (I sing so much)… I’ll watch stupid movies to give myself a break and laugh about silly things. I often avoid so-called intelligent movies because most of them fail to both amaze me and amuse me. And I’ll almost never miss a chance at watching something creative or weird.

Creativity
Ni needs to find the best ideas, or the best plans. The way to get to that is through creativity. Sometimes, the perfect way to go is an old, overused one, and it’s ok. I won’t try something for the sake of it being new if there is a less fun but more intelligent way. Most Ni-people I know are into arts or writing, or both. Personal arts and writing projects give Ni all the freedom it needs to fully bloom and it feels so nice.

Dedication and precision for the right things
If something is not interesting, I can’t go on for a long time unless I think it’s worth the effort. I also noticed, from me and also from Ni-aux users, that for a thing to be considered as done, it doesn’t have to be flawlessly done if it’s not important (chores, meaningless work…) but some other things won’t be remotely okay to us unless they are perfectly done.

Humor
I’ve been told by many people I should think about pursuing a career as a stand-up comic, but many people also don’t get my jokes at all. My INTJ friends told me that they often get taken seriously when joking, and that people can’t tell when they’re being sarcastic (so they just look like they are pretty mean or especially stupid). Both of them amaze me with how they can push the smallest thing into the most epic long-lasting joke, making fun links between things. (And watch up for self-depreciating humor from INTJs. We love that.)

Strange memory
I absorb information all the time. Ni collects knowledge and, later, fishes out what is useful. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I know something. I just do - because I read about it years ago or because I made links from another bit of knowledge. I’m also the kind of person to forget whole days or conversations if they were not meaningful. I often refer to my memory as impressionist. I have many blurry memories from which I keep the overall feeling and no detail.

Just finished the demo for Nicobass’ Tomb Raider 2: Dagger of Xian. It’s very beautiful and the controls weren’t difficult to get the hang of, and I’m speaking as someone who’s never played a LAU trilogy game before (which is what these controls are based off of, I’ve been told). I didn’t get comfortable with the combat system yet, it’s too different from what I’m used to. The spiders are just as scary as they are in the original, but harder to kill! 

Overall it was an enjoyable experience. It took me about a couple hours to finish the demo, I wish it had included the entirety of the Great Wall level (I was craving more booby-traps like in the original), but this was a fun experience. Now I’m really looking forward to the whole game!