because she honestly believed that she was no longer going to have a home after losing her whole family


If you had to choose between faction loyalty and your family, which one would it be? Which one becomes your undoing?

Chapter 1

Originally posted by rihqnna

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                    He says, “Oh, baby girl, don’t get cut on my edges

                    I’m the king of everything and oh, my tongue is a weapon

                   There’s a light in the crack that’s separating your thighs
                   And if you wanna go to heaven you should fuck me tonight.”

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summary: When she cries, he listens. Because he knows that he is the reason behind those tears that fall down her face.

a/n: A look into Sasuke’s thoughts for each time he had seen Sakura cry. 

To him, it was always her tears that held him back. It controlled him and held power over him more so than any cursed mark or words that people would spout out. The fact that he was the cause of her tears was what pulled his heart into pieces and made him wonder if he was making the right choice. But his darkness had overcame him quicker than her tears and he knew that his path was the road of vengeance. Still, the memory of her tears always haunted him.

The first time he saw her cry was when he was teetering between life and death. Maybe his supposed death was exaggerated but he was brought out of his unconsciousness when he felt the heavy weight against his body and the muffled sounds of a female crying. The sounds grew louder as his mind awakened and he could see her just barely against his chest. When he finally came around, the tears on her face were more so tears of relief as she hugged him. It was then, he realized, how his presence meant something to someone. She wasn’t family nor was she someone he would consider a friend. To him, she was just a teammate who had some annoying tendencies to follow him around. But suddenly, she was much more than that.

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My 10 favorites (related to Shamy) quotes from season 10 (so far):

10) AMY: “-Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it.

SHELDON: -You’re really okay with that?

A: -I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too.

S: -This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.” (10x04)

+  I like when the writers remind us that all this changes are new for Amy as well, and something I take is that Sheldon, although he had obviously thought of the “coital expectations”, had not said anything until Amy brought the subject. He might have been willing to go further, but she knew that wasn’t the time.

9) SHELDON: “-I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.


-Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.” (10x07)

+ Leaving aside the “bowel movements” thing, I find touching how much Sheldon worried about what happened to Amy. Maybe he even felt a little scared, given previous events. Poor thing.

8) SHELDON: “-Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.

AMY: -Are you saying you’d like to live with me?

S: -I’m open to the possibility.” (10x07)

+ Sheldon didn’t use the recent conflict to end the experiment there and then. He could do it, but he WANTS to live with Amy. He already knows that it will not be always a bed of roses, but also that Amy is worth it.

7) SHELDON: -“Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home; this is going right on the fridge.”/ (To Bernadette) -“I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey.” (10x08)

+  I put these two sentences together because they both refer to Sheldon’s comparison of their experiment with making a baby, and how he feels so excited about it. Also, they show how attached to Amy he is. Considering the apartment their HOME, combining their genes, decorating the refrigerator with their “baby"’s pic… they are already starting a family.

6) SHELDON: “-I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey. 

AMY: -I understand. I’ll leave you be.” (10x07)

+ The entire scene justifies itself a longer analysis than this whole post, but I will summarize it in three points: 

. Amy understanding his refence, as the intellectual equal she always was.

. She supporting him with her words and actions. With a single gesture, she reaffirmed her feelings, but gave him the space to make his own decision. 

. Sheldon almost unconsciously following Amy. He already understood that changes aren’t always bad, and it is not worth risking losing Amy out of fear or comfort. She has flaws, there’s no sense in deny it, but she give him something that he can’t find nowhere else. They can live without each other, but they don’t want to do it anymore.

5) HOWARD: “-Do you love Amy?


RAJ:-Do you like living with her? 

S: -Yes!” (10x07)

+ We know Sheldon loves Amy, and he is enjoying living with her. I just loved the way he answered, without hesitation. He even raised his voice, like saying: “What are you asking me? Isn’t it obvious?”

4) SHELDON: “-Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women.” (10x05)

 + Again: I already knew that. Penny already knew that. I believe even Amy didn´t doubt about that. But, after all the things that Sheldon said and understood, about his past, about his feelings and his fears, he saw necessary to reaffirm this fact to Amy. And the tone he used… I melted. But he did not leave it there, he wanted to show her that he was speaking from his heart, and he did it.

3) SHELDON: “-Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.

AMY: -Well, for science, maybe I will!

S: -For science, maybe you should!” (10x04)

+ Do I need to say more?? #ForScience!

2) AMY: “-Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that?

SHELDON: - Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared…” (10x04)

+ In addition to everything I wrote before, I liked Sheldon’s honesty voicing his feelings. I was waiting for him to say that he was scared or concerned, but, even though he said it, none of those were his first responses. It was “excited”. Several times, I felt that the writers intended to make us forget about the ring and Sheldon’s wishes to marry Amy, in order to hold over the engagement and stretch the story, all of that at expenses of a true progress in the relationship (I don’t know if I’m being clear). So I’m glad that this time Sheldon was not forced, nor pressured; that he is participating in this experiment willingly and admits to enjoy it.

1) SHELDON: “-You’ve lived with your significant other for some time; I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?” (10x04)

I just can’t help coming back to this quote. Even being a introduction to the “real scene,” it was this sentence that caught my attention and made me think: “He really wants to do this.” Even now I keep thinking about it. From the beginning, he decided not to try to sabotage the experiment, but to do everything he could to succeed, even if that included asking for advice. That’s why later was willing to forgive Amy, because he wants to make this cohabitation work. =)


SHELDON: “-I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.


PENNY: -Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now?” (10x05)

+ I couldn’t leave it out of this. Even if this (honestly) wasn’t my favourite episode, and I did not agree with Sheldon’s way of thinking, I believe Penny’s sentence hit the spot; in fact, she was the voice of my thoughts. It was also this scene what led to Shamy’s talk and hug and everything (item 4), so I think it was important question and a deep moment.

Blac Chyna takes baby Dream from Rob Kardashian following messy split

To be honest, ladies and gents, we don’t really know where to start when it comes to the big ol’ mess that is Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna’s latest relationship drama.

To say that it all kicked off last night would probably be the understatement of the century, with some fans insisting that it’s all so far-fetched it’s actually one big publicity stunt for their E! docu-series – which airs the baby special tonight in the States.

Is it all over for Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian?

However, Rob has insisted it’s all very much real, so we’re going to go with it…

…It all started yesterday afternoon when Blac’s Instagram was hacked and the hacker went on to share a series of screenshots allegedly taken from Blac’s direct messages as well as text conversations with her best friend and her lawyer, Walter.

Speaking to Walter, the 28-year-old mother-of-two revealed that she was marrying Rob so that she could trademark the Kardashian name with the star then texting her best friend that Rob was “lazy, fat, insecure” and that he had a “hairy face and wears the same clothes”.

She also told her pal, Treasure, that she was only going to be with Rob – whom she has a one-month-old daughter, Dream, with – for one year before calling quits.

After the hack seemingly “exposed” Blac, she reclaimed her account and wrote: “I’M DONE. This entire year I have done nothing but help Rob! It’s so SAD & PATHETIC how low he’d stoop to cover up HIS PERSONAL ISSUES!

“I have done nothing but help & loved him from the beginning! It’s Chy here I got my own!!!

“I was doing swell before I got with him! I got him out of Khloe’s house, helped him lose all that f***ing weight for him to do nothing & gain it all back!

“Rob asked for all of this! Rob begged me to have Dream! He stressed me out my ENTIRE PREGNANCY!!! Accusing me of cheating, going crazy on me with massive text blast daily! being an absolute lunatic & then cover it up with gifts!

“I was verbally abused every other day. I was still there with nothing but high hopes for us! I had to beg him to cut his hair, To take his braces of, and To get more into his businesses! I shouldn’t have to tell any grown ass man s**t!

The hacker shared screenshots of Blac’s conversation with Jaden Smith.

“Not to mention just brought him a brand new 2016 Range Rover! I PUT MY PRIDE ASIDE & I GAVE UP MY HOUSE TO MOVE INTO KYLIE’S HOUSE WITH HIM TO BE WITH A MAN!! We weren’t together in that house 2 whole weeks before he starting calling me all types of b*tches & h**s! AND I NEVER NOT ONCE CHEATED ON ROB! EVER!”

She then accused Rob of being the one who leaked the messages, adding: “I gave him the passcode to my phone I have nothing to hide. He refuses to do anything! Eat healthy, work out, work, anything positive, he does nothing! Those Messages OLD AF!

“He only did this because when he went through my phone he couldn’t find anything to be mad about! He’s on snapchat acting hurt but he’s yet to come see Dream yet!

Blac talking to her lawyer, Walter, about trademarking the ‘Kardashian’ name.

“He knows where we are! Honestly it’s only so much a person can take. Everyone has tried to help Rob. I’ve gone beyond to help & so has his family!

“I no longer have time to feed into Robert’s shenanigans I have 2 children & myself to fend for. What hurts the most is watching him do this to me knowing my last situation and promising to never put me through it. Especially after our child is only 1 month. [sic]”

However, Rob took to his own social media account to claim that he has been left “heartbroken” by the situation, sharing Snapchat videos of his empty house and claiming that Blac had taken everything.

Rob shared memes made by the Internet following his shock split from the star.

He wrote on Instagram: “Sorry to be so open but I’m not feeling so good after seeing @blacchyna messages about me and what her plans were. I have never been this heartbroken in my life.

“I don’t mind being so open or if anyone thinks I’m being weak but I don’t play when it comes to Family and Chyna was my Family and thought we were getting married. I treated her as a Queen.

“My baby girl is 1 month old and Chyna took her and left this beautiful home that I just bought for us. Right before Christmas. Someone I have given my all too.

“I loved every inch of that woman and loved everything that came with her.

Baby Dream is just one month old.

“I truly loved Angela [Blac’s real name]. I gave everything I owned for her. Didn’t know I was just part of her plan. I really believed she was in love with me the way that I was with her and I am so hurt and never felt this before.

“It’s different when you have a kid with someone. And after reading Chyna’s messages to her best friend she was going to drop me after a year. She didn’t even make it to that. I am so broken.

“This is a woman I fought my entire family for. I was in love with this woman to the fullest and I was none of that to her.”

Rob claims he has been left heartbroken.

None of Rob’s famous family members have commented on the drama, with Blac previously being a nemesis of the Kardashians after she started slamming them when the father of her four-year-old son, Tyga, started dating Rob’s half-sister, Kylie Jenner.

We have no idea what’s going to happen with Blac and Rob next, but we’re sure that it’s going to be wild.

anonymous asked:

Actually, my problem with the mid-season finale is that we didn't get the "talk". I wanted to see Hook telling Emma face to face that he's been lying to her with the hand situation. And Emma's reaction. I just love Hook so much and I felt as if I missed his development on that part. Or maybe I'm just spoiled and want more Hook rather than Emma XD. What's your opinion?

I think that conversation is coming. I don’t think Emma was in a place to have that kind of conversation. I don’t think she’s ready to address it. And really he didn’t 100% lie about it. He did say Rumple gave it to him, which is true he did just you know because of blackmail. I really think Emma’s the kind of person to not want to deal with it. She’s more in a place where she’s so happy she has him alive. She’ll deal with his less than honest behavior later. 

Honestly I want her to find her phone in Gold’s shop and hear the message Killian left for her. I don’t think she’ll get mad at him at all. I think she’ll be disappointed that he didn’t tell her the truth from the start. But here the thing. Killian’s intent even though he was being foolish by blackmailing the Dark One of all people, he had good intentions. He was trying to be a whole and complete man for Emma. And the second he believed that his hand might corrupt him and turn him back into the vengeful angry man he’d been he willingly gave it up even at the consequence of being the Dark One’s bitch for half the season. If anything Killian gets a pass on this as a whole because not only did he get consequences directly correlated to his blackmailing for the hand, he was also corralled into indentured servitude and forced to imprison beacons of light magic (yes Blue has light magic, shady as she is) into the hat at Rumplestiltskin’s behest. He’s more than had his comeuppance for his fib to Emma and the blackmailing fiasco. 

I think Emma’s going to see it that way. She’ll express her disappointment that he didn’t tell her the truth, or come to her sooner before his heart was taken. But I don’t see her dragging it out or being vicious like she was in Kansas to him before sacrificing her powers for him. She loves him. She’s not really admitted that to herself or anyone else for that matter because loving someone brings a lot of pain. Nearly everyone she’s ever loved or had the potential of loving either romantically, friendship wise or familial has caused her some amount of pain in her life. No seriously let’s take a rundown shall we?

  1. Snow and Charming: as much as she loves her parents and has accepted them it will always sting her to know that her parents gave her up to go to TLWM alone with really no one to protect her and watch over her.
  2. The Swans: where she got her last name. Her first taste of a family and they gave her back when they had their own child. Like she was just a stand-in until they had someone biologically related.
  3. Lily: her first real friend who acted like they were two of a kind when really Lily had a home and a family who loved her but it just wasn’t what the teen girl thought she wanted. Emma felt betrayed and as a result got launched back into the system she was trying to escape.
  4. Ingrid: They had a great friendship and relationship from what we saw in the flashback until Ingrid messed it up with trying to get Emma to display her magic. Emma wasn’t ready to understand her greater destiny and being pushed like that led Emma to think Ingrid didn’t love her, but was just a whack job who saw her as a meal ticket just like all the other foster homes she’d been in.
  5. Neal: Face it SFers Neal caused a great deal of Emma’s emotional issues. Granted she already had a lot of them to begin with but that emotional wall that comes with being afraid to fall in love? Look no further than the son of the Dark One himself.  I never hated Neal nor do I think he deserves half the hate he gets but still his mistakes did cause a big portion of her wall to be constructed.
  6. Graham: losing him, through not fault of his own made it much harder for her to believe Henry and it took her longer to accept the reality of the curse. Had he survived, Emma might have gained the hope she needed to believe Henry that much sooner.
  7. Walsh: A man she actually admitted to Hook who she loved and was considering marrying turned out to be nothing more than a pawn of the WWoW and used to keep tabs on Emma. 
  8. Every other guy/married guy/one night stand: each of these guys that we’ve been alluded to have indirectly hurt Emma by not seeing her more than just a piece of ass. Emma might have seen them the same way but it makes it no less hurtful.

Literally the only three people Emma loves that haven’t done this to her are Baby Neal her brother and he’s a baby so he doesn’t entirely count, Henry and Killian.

Henry, who almost died thanks to the apple turnover and Emma never mentioned that again btw (never once mentioned how she could be angry at Henry for risking his life to get her to believe). Emma has never really emotionally dealt with that except for admitting she loved him and breaking the original curse with a TLK. She never really talked about it or vocalized anything about it. That’s why I think Emma’s not going to want to address Killian’s almost death.

Killian has proven himself worthy of her time and time again. However he makes mistakes, just like Emma makes mistakes. Emma got really mad at him in S3 with the whole kiss curse thing because she was still struggling with trusting him and she was concerned he was working with Zelena. Emma knows for a fact that Killian had no choice but to do the Dark One’s bidding after his heart was taken. I can see Emma getting mad at him about the blackmail but I don’t see her really getting all that mad at him. He got his comeuppance for that ten-fold with almost losing his life and all that indentured servitude business. I really don’t see Emma wanting to address it more than just giving him an opportunity to never do it again and giving him a chance to redeem himself by being one of the people to release everyone from the hat. I think that’s the emotional closure they’re going to go for on that arc and we’ll see that come March. 

The episode itself wasn’t about Killian or Emma. It was firmly about aligning the heroes and aligning the villains. It was a clear line that was drawn in the sand or well the town line for that matter. We had the OQ scene because we needed to see Regina struggle and then align herself with the heroes. Her struggle is going to be apparent in 4B because she’s not done growing and she’s not fully accepted her role as a hero, yet. She’ll get there and she’ll probably backslide again. And then we had Belle and Rumple. Belle realigned herself with the heroes and separated herself physically and emotionally from Rumple. It also was about Rumple aligning himself with other villains.  That’s one of the reasons why we didn’t get the emotional fall out from Killian almost dying. I do firmly believe that Emma shoving his heart back into his chest was a kind of payback for nearly dying on her. She may not have said it but you could see that she was a bit pleased with herself.

I am not sure I believe in the Hound of the Baskervilles. I am sure I do not believe in being terrified by a dog painted over with luminous paint. But I am sure that I believe in Mr. Sherlock Holmes and in the strange friendship between him and Dr. Watson.

Jorge Luis Borges: This Craft of Verse.

(I’d feel bad about employing Borges to discuss my latest pop culture interest, except that he’s already talking about frivolous pop culture in the above quote.)

So this is probably my motto for all of my fandoms? I’m a character-centric girl. Granted, I have a weakness for a clever bit of world building, but if the people aren’t there, I get bored and wander off pretty quick. It’s why I tend to only read short stories for old-school space and lasers SF. But give me a character I believe in, I’ll follow them to the ends of plot and reason. (Conversely, if you give me a character that I believe and and don’t LIKE, I’m also gone, see Rochefort and why I’m coming up on three episodes behind on The Musketeers).

So, Sinbad. Why it’s my favourite show ever.

Here’s the thing: it’s got flaws. It’s never met a theme that it didn’t want to use for two episodes, drop, and them bring back long enough to fub the ending; the plots are silly; the logic doesn’t; it has a gleeful disregard for period and historicity; it erases Islam (probably the only thing on this list that I actually find annoying), and it just generally embodies the term, “hot mess.” But do I ever believe in those characters.

Part of it is the cast. They’re good actors across the board, and they’re committed to this nonsense, and does that ever make a difference. Other than the odd unconvincing guest star, no one’s phoning it it, and they all have great chemistry.  (Also, PRETTY! if you’re into that kind of thing). But beyond that, pretty much everyone of them has a story and characterisation that hits one of my narrative kinks, and just makes for great storytelling. Plus the combination of them is shipping gold.

So you have a young man, a boy really, who’s spent his whole life counting on good looks, charm and luck to get him out of the scraps his brashness gets him into. He says he has dreams of bigger things, but honestly he’s never really thought that far ahead because he has what he wants: a family who loves him, a city full of adventure and sometimes even food on the table. Then he makes one bet too many and loses everything. It’s his fault, and there’s nothing he can do to fix it. So now he has to decide what that means to him, if he should just carry on as he always has, or if he has to change, if so how much (what parts need to go, and what parts he needs to stay alive), and how the hell to do that? Or is there some way he can make everything not have happened (Oh, God, make it not true), and just be the same as he always was.

There’s a girl of high birth, the daughter of one of her city’s rulers. Even when she decides to flee her home, she expects the world to bend to her because of her power and position. That’s how she’s learned to deal with impossible expectations: keep your head up and don’t ever let them see you bleed. If the world is what you make of it, she’s still a princess, and her heart isn’t broken; she doesn’t miss her home and her family, and she’s still in charge. Really, she is. You can tell because she’d not crying, and she never asks for help.

There’s boy who read every book in his parents’ library and dreamed of adventure. He’s smart and good at puzzles and thinking everything through, and that’s always made him the golden boy. But the thing is, when you read about an adventure, you can always work out what the hero should or should not have done. When you’re in an adventure, you never have time. Now, he’s running as fast as he can just to keep up, and he’s terribly afraid. What if really he’s a failure? What if because he’s no longer the best, no one will love him?

There’s a girl who’s never had anyone and told herself he never wanted anyone. She learned young never to dream of anything past a full stomach and a safe place to sleep, and most days she didn’t get either. There’s no sense in relying on other people because when everyone’s in it for themselves, it’s only a matter of time before they sell you out. The smartest thing is to keep everyone at a distance, push them away before they can figure how to hurt you. Better still, stab them in the back, steal all their stuff, and run like hell. It’s worked so far.

There’s a man who may be a dragon, or a jinn. He knows how to pretend, and generally he’s pretty fond of the swirl of humanity that always seems to wash up at his feet, but he’s never quite part of it. If you asked him what mattered, he’d say his ship and the sea surrounding it, the waters he was born to. Still, he needs people to survive, and this bunch in particular always seem to need his help, so he looks after them as best he can, and in exchange they mostly pretend not to notice how he’s not quite human, or ask why he doesn’t have a name.

There’s a girl who was once a feral child, until humans found her and taught her that there was more to the world. Somewhere along the road, she decided that she wanted to see everything that could be seen, and go everywhere that could be gone. She doesn’t have a home, and is pretty happy to rely on herself and not to worry too much about anyone else that might get stabbed along the way. People are kind of odd, and a lot of work to understand, and it’s not like she minds them, she just doesn’t really get them either.

There’s a man who used to be a monster. He knows that he can never make up for the things that he’s done, and he can’t run from them either, and isn’t sure what to do about that. He’s trying his best to carry on as a new person, but that’s hard when he has to weigh every instinct against who he used to be, and whether it fits his new morality. Sometimes he thinks he should just die, but he can’t quite bring himself to give up like that. He still has friends to protect, and maybe there’s hope for them, even if he himself is damned.

And then you take all these people, put them on a boat, and force them to rely on each other to survive, and it’s fascinating, because they all react completely differently, and they all find different ways to integrate into the group. Plus they’re all from different cultures and classes, and thus have, on top of their varied backgrounds, entirely different ideas of social norms and to some extent morality.

It’s one of the tropiest, ficciest, most interesting fandoms I’ve ever been in. And you should be in it too!

Dear Taylor,

Hi Taylor! My name is Alex and I am 18 years old. I live in Rhode Island, and I’ve been a Swiftie for almost a decade. I still remember the first time I heard Teardrops on My Guitar on Radio Disney. I still remember the very first time I heard Love Story back in 2008. Even though I’ve been a fan for such a long time, I have only been able to attend one show, but I truly am thankful for that. I was at night 1 at Gillette and it was one of the most amazing nights of my life so far (also, I brought my friend with me and she happens to love Walk the Moon so she literally passes out. Especially because she wanted to see them when they played near us a few months before but couldn’t go. She’s also a super fan of yours and that night made her life).

I’ve been through a lot over the past ten years or so. I am an only child and my parents got a divorce and my mom and I moved in with my grandparents because we had no other choice. In 2008, my grandfather (who was almost more like a father to me than my own father) died rather unexpectedly. In fact, it was in the car on the way to the hospital to see him in his last few minutes that I first heard Love Story on the radio.

Shortly after that, my grandmother had a major stroke (the doctors believe it was the stress of losing her husband that triggered it) and the dementia that she had had been beginning to develop for several years took a major turn and soon she barely knew who I was, even though she had been one of my primary caretakers my whole life. My mom and I were left with no choice but to care for her as she had cared for us. My mom’s siblings both live pretty far away, so we had no help.

We also had significant financial problems. My grandmother’s mental state caused her to forget to pay bills. We owed the electric company several thousand dollars, and our house was falling into disrepair. My grandmother was also a collector of sorts, and there was enough (still is enough) stuff in my house to fill 4 houses. Even though my mother has two college degrees, she was forced to work a job that paid little more than minimum wage.

At 13, I wasn’t going to the movies with my friends. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to pay our mortgage or our electric bill. At one point (I think it was in 2010) we actually couldn’t pay our electric bill and had to live without electricity for 2 weeks until we got a loan from a family member. I didn’t think I’d get the opportunity to go to college because we had no money.

In late 2011, my grandmother’s health took a turn for the worst. We were forced to put in her a nursing home because she needed 24 hour care. It was one of the most stressful times in my life. Honestly, I’m still convinced to this day that the only reason I made it through is because I distracted myself by listening to the entire Speak Now album on repeat for months. In her last days, the nurses suggested we play music for her to keep her calm. My mother and I played all kinds of music for her, including your albums. I can remember that her favorites were The Best Day and Enchanted. In her few moments of lucidity, she said Enchanted reminded her of meeting my grandfather back in the 1940s. Listening to The Best Day still makes me cry, because I know your wrote it for your mother and my grandmother loved it and she was like a second mother to me. She once told me she was glad I had someone like you to look up to, since I had no siblings. When she finally passed away just a few days after Christmas that year, listening to Speak Now was the only thing that kept me from falling into a million pieces.

After she passed, both my mother and I fell into pretty deep pits of depression. I missed a lot of school because there were days I couldn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t think I had a future. Our financial situation only grew worse because we were no longer receiving my grandfather’s pension after both my grandparents were gone. I can’t even count how many times we came close to being homeless. I thought about suicide. The only thing that kept me from taking my own life was thinking “Would Taylor want that? No, she would want me to be strong”

It’s 6am and I am currently in my bed crying because writing this has made me relive it all and I can’t sleep.

High school was rough. Our house was bordering on look like something on Hoarders (not nearly as bad and without the trash, but still definitely not normal) and I was too embarrassed to have my friends over. I haven’t been able to have a friend over to my house since my parents’ divorce over 10 years ago. It’s made it really hard to make and keep friends over the years. We couldn’t afford to fix things and we had no help getting rid of all the stuff. I wasn’t going to school all the time because I was depressed and overwhelmed by the amount of work it would take to fix our house. My mom works full time and comes home tired and we have little time and no resources to change things.

Still, somehow I made it through. In June I graduated from high school, and I’ve just finished up my first semester at the University of Rhode Island with nearly a 4.0 GPA. I’ll be in debt for a long time, but I’m so glad I’m actually getting the opportunity to attend college. I didn’t think I would be able to for a long time. Our financial situation is a little better, and my mom and I are slowly working to clean out our house and move to place that we can actually afford to live in.

I don’t know if we’re out of the woods yet (pun intended), but I haven’t given up hope. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you in my life. I probably wouldn’t be here today. You inspire me and help give me the strength to go on. You mean more to me than you’ll probably ever know.

I’m sorry this is so dreadfully long. I wrote you a letter telling you all of this a few months ago around my birthday in August, and I sent a drawing I did of Meredith and Olivia for you, as well as a picture to be autographed. I don’t know if you got the letter, but I did get the autographed picture back on December 28th. It made my whole year and gives me hope that one day I’ll get to meet you and give you the hug I’ve wanted to give you for almost 10 years. Also, December 28th was the 4 year anniversary of my grandmother’s death, and the fact that after waiting almost 5 months for a response I received on that day specifically meant the world to me. It’s currently the wallpaper on my phone and I’m never changing it.

Thank you Taylor. Thank you for being so wonderful and kind to your fans throughout the years. I know you can’t meet every fan, but I still hope I can meet you one day. I would give anything for this post to find its way to you and know that you read this. I might not be in the clear yet, but I think I am finally clean.