Because believe me, you all want in our talks with @tocapturethisvoice (the woman who attacks me on a daily basis. And today being no exception!)
Screaming about that one text “I could never hate Even.” You all remember that, don’t you ? When Isak came home, heartbroken, after learning the truth.
Isak, who only few hours later, was making researchs about “manic” episodes and “bipolar”. Isak, this smart, smart boy, who wanted to understand what had happened the night Even ran away in the dark. He couldn’t just shut down on Even, despite himself reaching the lowest point, he had to understand.
“I need time.” And he took time, and in the end, what was his conclusion ? Rushing down to school, memories flashing back, to the one moment where it all began. The moment where he breathed for the first time. The moment he was sitting on that bench next to Even. “I want to be someone else or I’ll explode.”, that’s the thing, Isak was suffocating in this world before he met Even. Before he dared looking up and meet those blue eyes. Before their hands brushed, reaching for that smoke. Reaching, in reality, for freedom, for acceptance.
The conclusion was that, there was no reality for Isak without Even anymore. “NEI!”, he maybe had let go one time, two times, but he would not this time. Not now, not ever. Nothing was sure in this world, a bomb might drop on us tomorrow, but this, Isak had the certainty. His hand would always be tangled to Even’s. He would make sure of it. Even if that meant, taking it one minute at a a time.
Flash forward to 4 months later, “Even and I” are moving in together. And in my mind, even though Even had always thought about it, i mean have you paid attention toy the way Even had always looked at Isak, like he was the most precious being on earth, and to Even he will always be. So this, every day, every night, that was the ultimate dream. But was he feeling worthy of it ? When you look at him today, you think maybe not. Because Even still feels Isak deserve better. Better than the weight he would ever bring upon his shoulders, because that’s the one thing being repeated over and over in his mind. What a burden he could be in Isak’s life.
When to Isak, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Even really did save him. He’s free today because that one extraordinary being had cared enough, not just to bang at his door, but to wait until Isak himself would be ready to open. And he did. To discover those fears he had all his life about the outside had kept him locked from experiencing the beauty this world could hold as well.
Being accepted by his close friends, by his parents, finding acceptance within himself. Because, yes, Even had remained by his side. Because Even made him feel safe, because it was okay to be himself finally, to let go of everything and just breathe. Because Even had seen right through him from the first moment he met Isak and had loved him exactly as he was.”I was there to meet you.”
And one day, Isak was probably laying in bed with Even, as they took the habit, ever since that first weekend shared together at the kollektiv. Isak, simply looking by his side, Even’s arm wrapped around his shoulder, and realizing, this is what I want. Always. So asking him, “let’s move in together”, Even staring right at him, like was Isak being serious right this second, and seeing the answer right away, in his soft smile. Isak’s hand brushing over his cheek. He knew Isak was being serious. He knew what he meant. And Even wanted it, just as much, heart threatening to burst out of his chest. (just like that day in the locker room….) Remaining speechless. “let’s move in together”, as Isak would repeat it once more, cupping both his hands now on Even’s cheek, forehead resting against forehead, waiting for an answer.
It was more than Even could ever have wished for, those 4 months had already been so much. Isak standing by his side through it all. Even when he had such a weight over his chest, he couldn’t move anymore, or even talk. But Isak arms would always remain, like a shelter through the storm. “Du er ikke alene.” And Even knew that today. But still, that voice had never left him. He would always be the night to Isak’s light. And yet, focusing on those green eyes, it was becoming more and more of a whisper. Feeling the warmth and love emanating from Isak’s entire being towards him. There was nothing else, just Isak and him. Closing now the gap, kissing finally his beautiful boyfriend, like the first breath he was taking every time they touched. A silent “yes, you and me, always.”
“You and me, always.” So if anything, believe in this. Believe, the moment Isak will find out, the moment Even will try to protect him and run away again, Isak’s hand will be pulling on his arm, and bring him back closer to him. No need to figure things out this time. Wrapping his arms around Even, tighter than ever, there is nothing you might do that will ever change that. I will always stand right next to you. “OUR future.” there isn’t a life without you anymore. From the moment we met.
“And the moment I’ve saved you, you will answer ‘I save you right back’ “