because macarena

The Macarena was originally designed by conservative parents to convince their gay children to not grow up to be dancers. Later, it was used by the military to see if it was possible to weaponize a wedding DJ’s quiet rage. It’s a combination of waving and rotating so easy to do that nearby people in wheelchairs will ask you to stop patronizing them. Gorillas use it as the sign language word for urinary tract infections. As for learning it, it’s actually harder to not know how to do the Macarena because it involves going back in time and convincing your mother it’s okay to drink hi-yield insecticide. I guess my point is, if you’re buying a tape on it, get your affairs in order. Natural selection has been training for millions of years to get things exactly like you the fuck out of the gene pool.

This VHS tape is worth 500 times less than the postage needed to mail it and it runs 30 times longer than a convincing speech about why you should never do the Macarena. By my math, you would have to beat a dog with a 6" Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki to find a faster, more affordable way to tell the world you’re an asshole.

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