because it's torture


     Y o u    s h o u l d    b e    d e a d.
          You’re lucky. Don’t forget.  

People who’ve followed me for a while will know that nightmares about hell are something I’ve had for a long time (although fortunately they’re getting less frequent.)

Well, last night I had a dream that I went to Hell and it was… pretty chill? The basic conceit of the dream was “God told Satan to torture people in hell. However, Satan is too lazy to do anything much, plus he hates God and doesn’t want to please him by torturing sinners, plus he just has no incentive to do anything. So the tortures in Hell are all half-assed things like ‘the coffee is really bad.’”

I remember I spent some time hanging out with James Joyce, but forget most of our dream-conversation. I do remember the following exchange with Satan, though:

Me: Are you actually sure this is Hell?
Satan: Well, the pizza does have anchovies.

So what is the answer? How can you stand your ground when you are weak and sensitive to pain, when people you love are still alive, when you are unprepared? What do you need to make you stronger than the interrogator and the whole trap?

From the moment you go to prison you must put your cozy past firmly behind you. At the very threshold, you must say to yourself: “My life is over, a little early to be sure, but there’s nothing to be done about it. I shall never return to freedom. I am condemned to die —now or a little later. But later on, in truth, it will be even harder, and so the sooner the better. I no longer have any property whatsoever. For me those I love have died, and for them I have died. From today on, my body is useless and alien to me. Only my spirit and my conscience remain precious and important to me.

Only the man who has renounced everything can win that victory.

But how can one turn one’s body to stone? Well, they managed to turn some individuals from the Berdyayev circle into puppets for a trial, but they didn’t succeed with Berdyayev. They wanted to drag him into an open trial; they arrested him twice; and (in 1922) he was subjected to a night interrogation by Dzerzhinsky himself. Kamenev was there too (which means that he, too, was not averse to using the Cheka in an ideological conflict). But Berdyayev did not humiliate himself.He did not beg or plead. He set forth firmly those religious and moral principles which had led him to refuse to accept the political authority established in Russia. And not only did they come to the conclusion that he would be useless for a trial, but they liberated him. A human being has a point of view!


N. Stolyarova recalls an old woman who was her neighbor on the Butyrki bunks in 1937. They kept on interrogating her every night. Two years earlier, a former Metropolitan of the Orthodox Church, who had escaped from exile, had spent a night at her home on his way through Moscow. "But he wasn’t the former Metropolitan, he was the Metropolitan! Truly, I was worthy of receiving him.” “All right then. To whom did he go when he left Moscow?” “I know, but I won’t tell you!” (The Metropolitan had escaped to Finland via an underground railroad of believers.)

At first the interrogators took turns, and then they went after her in groups. They shook their fists in the little old woman’s face, and she replied: “There is nothing you can do with me even if you cut me into pieces. After all,you are afraid of your bosses, and you are afraid of each other, and you are even afraid of killing me.” (They would lose contact with the underground railroad.) “But I am not afraid of anything. I would be glad to be judged by God right this minute.”

There were such people in 1937 too, people who did not return to their cell for their  bundles of belongings, who chose death, who signed nothing denouncing anyone.

One can’t say that the history of the Russian revolutionaries has given us any better examples of steadfastness.“

—  aleksandr solzhenitsyn

So here’s a dramatic re-enactment of what happened last night:

Apparently I respond to Phil torturing me (YEAH, @philsterman01​, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID) by drawing for hours, so here are some of the sketches to accompany part of his Adrinette scene. Go listen if you haven’t yet because THESE ARE ADORABLE (and all his stuff, really?? pretty sure I’ve said this a million times now lol)

The Marin AU is @yaushie‘s and the voice clips (HNNNG) are @philsterman01‘s (the sketches and total lack of self-control are mine TTATT)


Six of us are… dead.

I guess you could say I killed them.

Still one more year until the game is out and i am already suffering in hell

Why Petyr Baelish gave Sansa to the Boltons

Since there’s still (somehow) confusion on the matter, I thought I’d write some meta to clear this up.

Petyr knows politics. He knows how to maneuver, how to play the game better than most–if not all–other people in Westeros. Marriage is a key component to the game of thrones, “the best way” in Roose Bolton’s words. Petyr knows this. And to bring Sansa north without bloodshed, marriage was the only option. He had to make it appealing for the Boltons to bring a Stark back to Winterfell. He did exactly that.

Petyr’s entire plan was to undermine them. He returned to Cersei in 5x06 and asked her to let him reclaim Winterfell from the Boltons, who he said “betrayed” the Lannisters by “withholding” Sansa from justice in Joffrey’s murder. In exchange for liberating the north of Roose and Ramsay, he wanted Cersei to name him Warden of the North. She agrees.

Here’s where people get lost. Petyr knows that with the North and the Vale combined, he could do anything. Defeat the Lannisters. Conquer Westeros. Take the Iron Throne, perhaps? Becoming Warden of the North would not have happened by Cersei’s command, rather by Sansa’s when she married him. That was his plan: liberate Winterfell without Cersei expecting deception, place Sansa as Wardenness, marry her, defeat the Lannisters, take the throne. “Every time I’m faced with a decision I close my eyes and see the same picture. A picture of me, on the Iron Throne… and you by my side.” He played Cersei and Roose alike to make this happen. If all had gone according to plan, we’d be seeing King Petyr and Queen Sansa right now.

But that’s not what happened.

Look at Petyr’s teary eyes in 6x05, the clenched fists, the deep breathing and discomfort, and tell me that Petyr ever intended for Sansa to suffer. Aidan Gillen’s micro-acting is proving you wrong.

Stannis lost at Winterfell. Ramsay was a psychopath (and Petyr didn’t know about that, even Aidan has said so, I’ll fight anyone who disagrees). Sansa fled Winterfell believing Petyr neither wanted her nor was loyal to her at all, and his entire plan fell through the cracks. He risked everything to get what he wanted and he lost.

He’s not going to make that mistake again. I’m pretty sure that’s why he laid out his cards for Sansa in 6x10, because he knows she’s second-guessing him and he wants her to be aware that his plan from the beginning was to have her along with everything else. Keeping Sansa out of the loop caused the bump in their relationship; I don’t think he believed she was ready to face his plans before he gave her away. She was ready imho (she hella dug him at that point, watch the way she looks at him in 5x04, how she returns his kiss??). But, like he said, “the past is gone for good. You can sit here mourning its fate or you can look to the future.”

Nothing is more terrible to him than the idea of losing her again, the image from which he makes his moves. He’s learned a hard lesson. Now we have to see what he does with it.

Tiny Bill has ruined me


Just imagine one day Ford has Bill’s jar on the kitchen counter while he does dishes. He’s distracted by the phone and when he leaves to answer it, and Bill decides to try escaping again. He manages to crawl out of the jar, only to slip on the wet counter and go careening into the sink. He’s only annoyed at first, because he can’t drown, but then soap gets into his eye and he panics because he can’t see and he’s in pain and can’t tell which way is up so he just kinda flounders in the water for a while, absolutely positive he’s going blind and that he might have found the one thing in this stupid dimension that can legit kill him.

Then Ford comes back, sees the empty jar, and notices the ruckus in the water. He fishes around in the sink and pulls a still-panicking Bill out. He’s about to laugh at the fact Bill fell in, but then he realizes Bill is squeezing his eye shut and screeching in pain. So he grumbles about being a softie, runs some fresh water from the faucet, and has to basically tell Bill to hold still like a squirmy little kid so he can get the soap out of his eye. 

By the time he’s done, Bill is cold, wet, and very aggravated. When Ford puts him back in his jar, he just sits petulantly with his back to him. Now, Ford feels okay laughing at him.

–with a name like mine i still dream of you

I’m actually SUPER EXCITED if they go the slow burn reconciliation route! Honestly. Sometimes delayed gratification can be soooo delicious. Doesn’t matter if they’re together-together, not for me, because I know they’re still gonna be OLICITY, which is working together as partners, with deep affection, heart eyes, and poignant speeches.