because it's torture

Tasting a New Blue

I used to chain eat blue.
I was ecstatic when my tongue turned and my lips were stained and sticky from the candies I knew were fleeting.
Simple bits of blue I snuck between chastisement from my mother.

I would go to the sea
And laugh so openly that
I swallowed down the salty blue
And choked on the salt and brine
Still ecstatic to have blue pass my lips
To taste blue and have it be a part of me

I grew
I thought I knew and had tasted every blue
But then
I tasted Blue and You

We sat on a bench and watched the sea
We fought for blue candy
Blue Cotton Candy, sticky fingers
Lips and tongues and teeth stained blue
Grinning at each other and forgetting
Then you kissed me or I kissed you
And I discovered a whole New Blue

keeping yuuri on the ice

Many of us were expecting Yuuri to win the gold and for Victuuri to retire into domestic bliss after having found each other. But perhaps we - like Yuuri - missed the fact that Yuuri’s own skating has value beyond being for Viktor or embodying his feelings for Viktor. 

Yuuri still doesn’t know that Viktor was empty and unfulfilled in his lonely God-like position (and may likely be done with figure skating in general?). Yuuri still believes that him continuing to skate is holding Viktor back. While he still believes this, Yuuri retiring to put Viktor back on the ice amounts to Yuuri again not seeing his own value as a skater, the value of continuing to push himself and his value to Viktor. 

No wonder Viktor’s pissed off. 

I still believe Viktor did not truly intend to return to competitive skating. Nothing about his expression or his previous monologues suggest he’s super keen to return. But Viktor has always met Yuuri in his own ‘language’ in order to keep Yuuri close to him. Yuuri will be a delicious katsudon to channel his Eros? Viktor loves katsudon. Yuuri wants to call these ‘good luck charms’ instead of wedding rings? Viktor will call it a good luck charm. 

And now that Yuuri has equated attaining gold to leaving Viktor and leaving skating? Viktor will fight to keep Yuuri from the gold, so that Yuuri will keep skating. And if that means making a comeback himself even if he’s not 100% about it, Viktor will do it. Skating has always been their love language so this is Viktor desperately saying stay close to me through his actions.  

Looking back, it’s pretty masterfully executed. Viktor fires Yuuri up before the free skate by emphasising all he has sacrificed for Yuuri to win gold. This seemed really out of character at first - Viktor’s love isn’t conditional on Yuuri winning gold and we know this. But Yuuri has ‘already made up his mind’. Viktor reassuring Yuuri of his love (eg. ‘I will love you no matter if you win or lose’) would reaffirm the romance issue but it would not keep Yuuri on the ice. So Viktor says he wants to kiss the gold medal. Yuuri has to win. To Yuuri, this seems like it’s acceptance of Yuuri’s decision. Skate a perfect program, give Viktor his final present (a gold medal) and retire. 

But Viktor has other plans. After the skate, he essentially says to Yuuri, ‘you skated a great program but you still need to beat me.’ Will his own comeback motivate Yuuri to continue skating? Maybe - it certainly excites Yuuri. But Viktor has to be sure. Yuuri can’t win the gold. So now it’s up to Yurio. It’s no coincidence Viktor chose this moment to insist on breaking the news to Yakov - when he knew Yurio was listening.

I really don’t think it’s skating, for Viktor. 

Note Yurio being the one to see through Viktor’s comeback talk and zero in on the main point, which is Viktor’s desperation to prevent Yuuri from retiring from skating. Let’s not discount the fact Viktor put aside all that happened at the beach and make himself both vulnerable and humble by hugging Yurio - this is a crisis and Yurio understands this and skates the skate of his life, all while thinking he will make Yuuri regret retiring for the rest if his life by winning. Viktor’s not the only one who sees value in Yuuri’s skating as its own existence – Yurio’s noticed it from the beginning. And Yurio wins, and it’s working - Yuuri is fired up. 

Now it’s time for Viktor to sink in the final hook. He’s failed as a coach, clearly. He doesn’t get to kiss Yuuri’s gold medal. How sad. What a regret. 

There’s the Yuuri he loves, this (and not making his own comeback) is what gives Viktor his ridiculous Minami!moe eyes. A Yuuri who wants to continue to fight. A Yuuri who will stay with him.

So these two idiots confusedly stumbled into what they both wanted - to stay together - without having a proper conversation about how…that doesn’t necessarily need to involve skating. But right now, it does need skating. 

Stammi Vicino therefore achieves the dual purpose of both reassuring us their romantic relationship survives but also that one of them being on the ice should not be at the expense of the other. If this becomes a thing in Season 2, Yuuri needs to understand that if Viktor chooses to leave skating, it’s Viktor’s own decision, and not a sacrifice Viktor is making to keep Yuuri on the ice. 

This is a conflict the writers have left unresolved - and it’s something I think they need to resolve to move forward. Hopefully a second season will give them the time and nuance to do this in depth. 


So here’s a dramatic re-enactment of what happened last night:

Apparently I respond to Phil torturing me (YEAH, @philsterman01​, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID) by drawing for hours, so here are some of the sketches to accompany part of his Adrinette scene. Go listen if you haven’t yet because THESE ARE ADORABLE (and all his stuff, really?? pretty sure I’ve said this a million times now lol)

The Marin AU is @yaushie‘s and the voice clips (HNNNG) are @philsterman01‘s (the sketches and total lack of self-control are mine TTATT)


Six of us are… dead.

I guess you could say I killed them.

Still one more year until the game is out and i am already suffering in hell

swirlpearl  asked:

HI, how would US!Pap and SF!Pap react to a s/o who only stares into the wall at night, and only actually sleeps for real at most twice a month? And they find out that they are Being tormented by nightmares? More specifically, about an abusive parent? And their S/o still is adjusting to not being hurt and not hearing shouting every 5 min.? (FuckThatGotDark)

US!Papyrus: Insomnia’s a bit of a norm for him, so he’s probably up with you most nights. You don’t do much, just him watching videos and you doing whatever, maybe his arm wrapped around you in some capacity.

Its the wall-staring that worries him. Like, yeah, you should sleep more, but he’s your boyfriend, not your mom, and if you want to live like garbage, hey, him too. But the wall-staring is his real cue that something is really wrong with the situation. After a couple of nights he asks a few sidelong questions. If you show resistance, he’ll drop it. But every night, he’ll ask. Again. And again. Until you finally tell him. 

When you explain, its like a spot in the center of his chest just went cold. His mandible part just slightly and he looks like he wants to say something, but then relapses into silence. You turn away, and for a moment that silence hangs, heavy and wet and empty. Suddenly a pair of arms wrap around you from behind, and all he can manage is an “I’m sorry”. Whispered over and over again. 

The next couple of nights, he’ll put you out himself. Those massages of his can pull you out on consciousness faster than anything once he figures out the right technique. And when the nightmares hit again, he just holds you until you’ve calmed down. He can’t change what happened in the past. But he hopes you know he’s here for you now.

SF!Papyrus:  His sleep habits are pretty fucked too, but that doesn’t mean you get to join him. Syrup is deeply concerned with you staying healthy. And he’s pretty damn sure you’re supposed to be getting sleep. Every night is just him constantly nagging you to just lay down. Close your eyes, please, just….gaaah. In the end he pulls you into his lap and lets you ride the night out, stroking your sides and muttering to himself.

The days aren’t much better. He wants answers, he wants you to take a nap, what’s the problem? Syrup doesn’t get steamed up over much, but this is one of those things. Because the truth is….it feels like you don’t trust him. Either to take care of you, or not to hurt you, he doesn’t know which, but either way it cuts him deep. 

But when the truth comes out he feels like he wants to throw up. His phalanges curl into fists jammed inside his pockets, and there’s a low growl coming from the back of his throat, but he pulls you into a hug. “’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” After a few moments of just quiet comforting and apologizing, he pulls you back a bit to look at him, pushing some hair out of your face. “I’m gonna take care of you, alright, babe? You won’t……nothin’s gonna hurt you again.” And he knows two things. One, those words, don’t mean a damn thing, because the fear will never completely go away. And two, he means it with every fiber of his being.

Syrup learned years ago how to mix up a couple of drinks that’ll put you out. Not drugs, just tea and stuff like it. He had too, otherwise Sans would’ve dropped dead from overwork years ago. He coaxes you into trying them out. Because its not healthy just torturing yourself like that. And when the nightmares do come, you wake up wrapped in him, whispering soft comforting words in your ear while a hand is put protectively on your back

So what is the answer? How can you stand your ground when you are weak and sensitive to pain, when people you love are still alive, when you are unprepared? What do you need to make you stronger than the interrogator and the whole trap?

From the moment you go to prison you must put your cozy past firmly behind you. At the very threshold, you must say to yourself: “My life is over, a little early to be sure, but there’s nothing to be done about it. I shall never return to freedom. I am condemned to die —now or a little later. But later on, in truth, it will be even harder, and so the sooner the better. I no longer have any property whatsoever. For me those I love have died, and for them I have died. From today on, my body is useless and alien to me. Only my spirit and my conscience remain precious and important to me.

Only the man who has renounced everything can win that victory.

But how can one turn one’s body to stone? Well, they managed to turn some individuals from the Berdyayev circle into puppets for a trial, but they didn’t succeed with Berdyayev. They wanted to drag him into an open trial; they arrested him twice; and (in 1922) he was subjected to a night interrogation by Dzerzhinsky himself. Kamenev was there too (which means that he, too, was not averse to using the Cheka in an ideological conflict). But Berdyayev did not humiliate himself.He did not beg or plead. He set forth firmly those religious and moral principles which had led him to refuse to accept the political authority established in Russia. And not only did they come to the conclusion that he would be useless for a trial, but they liberated him. A human being has a point of view!


N. Stolyarova recalls an old woman who was her neighbor on the Butyrki bunks in 1937. They kept on interrogating her every night. Two years earlier, a former Metropolitan of the Orthodox Church, who had escaped from exile, had spent a night at her home on his way through Moscow. "But he wasn’t the former Metropolitan, he was the Metropolitan! Truly, I was worthy of receiving him.” “All right then. To whom did he go when he left Moscow?” “I know, but I won’t tell you!” (The Metropolitan had escaped to Finland via an underground railroad of believers.)

At first the interrogators took turns, and then they went after her in groups. They shook their fists in the little old woman’s face, and she replied: “There is nothing you can do with me even if you cut me into pieces. After all,you are afraid of your bosses, and you are afraid of each other, and you are even afraid of killing me.” (They would lose contact with the underground railroad.) “But I am not afraid of anything. I would be glad to be judged by God right this minute.”

There were such people in 1937 too, people who did not return to their cell for their  bundles of belongings, who chose death, who signed nothing denouncing anyone.

One can’t say that the history of the Russian revolutionaries has given us any better examples of steadfastness.“

—  aleksandr solzhenitsyn

     Y o u    s h o u l d    b e    d e a d.
          You’re lucky. Don’t forget.  

one of my irl friends is an art thief…. she steals art from other people just to tease me and show that she is a pro >:\ and evryone knows she isnt. no offence :\

and when i tell her theres another artists watermark on it she says “oh its my tumblr username” and starts lying. and i know shes lying cuz she doesnt even have a tumblr.

and she keeps saying my art is trash and pretends shes better than me just because im younger than her.

another reason why i dont wanna draw atm. :( shes so freaking annoying! >:( 

i just dont know what to do anymore. it just feels like shes trying to stop me from drawing by uninspiring me to draw because shes jealous. its like torture :(

027272700777  asked:

never trust a male that says the rape scenes in berserk should be/need to be graphic because ""its suppose to be torture"". never trust a male who says rape in medieval (fantasy) fiction needs to be there cuz "historical accuracy". never trust a male berserk fan who jokes about the rapes in the series (or a male who makes rape jokes at all)


anonymous asked:

how can someone improve at writing? I mean I used to write in middle school and even won story contests but after getting into high school I stopped and now I'm at college and I have no idea how to write at all lmao

honestly the best way to improve at writing is the same way you improve at any art

you just do it

and do it

and do it

over and over and over again

and i don’t think it’s something you can really fall out of touch with; if you won story contests in middle school than you definitely have something then, you just have to dust yourself off. it might feel rusty at first, and yeah it might not be spectacular, but you just gotta keep at it

there are, of course, writing classes you can take, books you can read on how to write/tell a good story (and i would definitely say, if you want to write you’ve GOT to read. this is a requirement for anyone who wants to be a writer. you have to read. reading inspires creativity and you’ll learn what exactly it is about the writers you like that makes you like them; for instance, i grew up reading fantasy novels/stories on the regular (i had other genres that i enjoyed reading but i’ve always been obsessed with fantasy), and that turns out to be the genre i most enjoy writing and get most inspired for XD)

so yeah! my main piece of advice to anyone who wants to be a writer is to tell them to just … start writing. it might be crap at first but the more you do it the more you’ll find your style, find what works and what doesn’t work, and eventually you’ll make something you can be proud of

best of luck to you!!!!

sleepover saturday!