because im still laughing

IE The Captain America Fitness Challenge video was made into the movie as a joke. It’s there for comedic purposes. IT’S WHOLE PURPOSE IS A JOKE LEAVE US ALONE NO IT DOESN’T MEAN WE HATE STEVE JFC

lmao my brother just told me that today, when he was doing grocery shopping with our dad, the two of them were at the female hygiene section and they were picking up the brand of pads my mom and I use (my dad and bro have always been the ones in charge of stacking up our bathroom with pads and tampons whenever we so much start showing signs of our periods coming up) and this guy that’s around his mid 30′s suddenly comes up to the two of them and says shit about ‘how embarrassing must be for him and his dad to be getting this items’ and that ‘next time he should just tell his wife or girlfriend or daughter or whatever to pick the pads themselves, it’s not like they’re drying or something’ and my dad and bro are just there speechless because of the attitude of the guy and they look just a bit off to the side of the guy and there’s a girl that’s clearly with him, and my dad just looks directly at her and says, from the bottom of his heart, ‘I’m sorry you have to deal with this kind of shit, dear’ and she kinda just nods and says ‘well, not anymore’ and looks at the guy that’s suddenly aware that she was standing there and says ‘because guess who’s without a girlfriend now. We are OVER (insert asshole’s name here cuz’ my bro couldn’t remember)’ and she just drops whatever items she had in her hands and walks away

Brendon: *hits blunt*

Sarah: how high are you right now?

Brendon: I don’t know, like, 5′7″

@balsamina || cont

❝ Don’t underestimate a good peanut butter and jelly sandwich. These do wonders when you’re working nonstop. But hey – if you’re too adult, then you could always scrape the jelly off. Your loss. ❞ He figured that the sandwich could be a segue towards talking to the woman. Clearly, she hadn’t paid any attention to anything in the past hour. 

GOT7 (Jack and the Beanstalk Edition)
  • Jackson: Jack the son
  • Yugyeom: beanstalk
  • Mark: pretty giant in the sky that Jack(son) falls in love with
  • Jinyoung: sassy, jealous giant-spouse of Mark that Jack kills so he can love Mark
  • Youngjae: cow that Jack sells for magic beans
  • BamBam: magic beans
  • Jaebum: Jack's mom who is disappointed in his life choices

Not much to do at this hotel other than listen to the how to train your dragon audiobooks and doodle little baby book Hiccup, which I must say I’m 1000% okay with. 

notes from a casual cashier; november 26th

• me, immediately after having slammed my browbone against the register: “good morning! do you need a bag?”

• me: “is the water you bought sparkling or carbonated?”

• child: [coughs on me for 2 minutes straight]
childs mother: “oh darling your cold has gotten worse :(”

• a customer: [hands me a soggy item with an unreadable barcode all smudged and stained]
me: “sorry im going to have to ask the boss what to do about this; we leave our team of archaeologists at home during the weekend”

• a person bought four number-shaped birthday candles, two zeroes, one nine and one one. i immediately asked myself who was turning 1900 years old soon

• a customer handed me a package containing two round, wrinkly brown things. i must have looked as disgusted as i felt, because he laughed and explained they were baked beets. im still unconvinced

• as soon as i got to my register after my break was over, i got scolded from the guy who always buys booze for having been absent. nice to feel missed

• there is a specific species of customers that entertain me endlessly, and its those who act like being asked if they need a plastic bag is a direct assault on their moral integrity

• i went out in the aisles to ask the boss a thing. he followed me to the registers loudly exclaiming my full name but not following it up with a message of any kind. im still confused

• i served a guy who, on november 26th, was wearing jeans and a short sleeved t-shirt with nothing over it

• a big group of loud dutch students bought a whole lot of beers. i would never have imagined i would ever sell so many beers at once.
i told them ‘tot ziens’ when they left, and felt happy even though they didnt hear me

• customer: “excuse me, where can i find microwaveable pop corn?”
me, taking a wild guess bc i dont know the location of products in the store: “next to the dry beans”

• [it was indeed there. i now believe in all gods of all religions simultaneously]

• a guy came in holding a small dog with floppy ears, that had long strands of hair at their ends.
i complimented him on having such a fine pup; he let me pet it and he called its hair 'his pride and joy’

• (i will post a drawing i made in 15 seconds of the dog)

• a guy, who was evidently pretty stoned, kept claiming his receipt was actually the following customer’s. i tried to explain to him that she didnt even /have/ a receipt yet, as i was still scanning her items, but he looked very confused so i gave up halfaw through.
the following customer helped me reassure him everything was ok and he could safely leave the establishment

half life full life consequences was probably one of the first things on the internet that helped form my sense of humor because its 2016 and im still laughing at john freeman not having wepon and then immediately somehow shooting headcrab officer in the head

4

We must swear a pirate’s oath […]