because i stupidly enjoyed it

If you ever come back

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting outside, but he reckoned it was longer than he should have. When he sat down it was still daylight and now it was dark. He couldn’t bring himself to move and tonight, he was alone. There was no one at the house and he had planned to go into the studio to work on a few tracks but that planned crashed as soon as he found her toothbrush. He never knew a toothbrush could knock the air out of his lungs like this. But there it was bringing him back to her.

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since she left. Two weeks since it had actually sunk in that he had lost her when her packed suitcase sat in the hall and she waited in the living room. It was a late night and he had been in the studio, she had been back from Nashville just that day and he hadn’t been with her. She had waited for him all day, finally coming to terms with the decision she had made before his accident and after their weekend getaway. She had stayed in Nashville for the three days they had been back from their vacation and the only word she got from him was that he had gotten into an accident. He had told her she didn’t need to come back to LA and she knew that if she did go anytime soon it would be to leave him. So she tried putting it off but she couldn’t, so she hopped on a flight to LA and waited all day at his house, their house whatever it was it didn’t matter then. She was leaving.

“What’s going on?” He had asked and she didn’t answer, she took a deep breath and stood up.

“I’m leaving.” Her words took him off guard but he brushed it off.

“Oh, you just got here. Did something happen?” He was pretending of course he was pretending. He would hide away his pain for what he knew was to come. The look on her face was enough for him to know.

She shook her head. “No.” There was a lump in her throat that was hurting her to the core. She kept telling herself it was the right thing to do, she needed to run.

“Then, what do you mean you’re leaving?” He looked at her and noticed for the first time something strange. She was out of place in the place she called home.

“Adam, it’s okay. Don’t pretend. I’m leaving for good. I’m leaving you. I can’t keep doing this. You keep pushing me away and locking me out. I can’t even remember the last time we had a nice dinner. I’m done fighting, okay? Lately that’s all we ever do and I can’t do it any longer. I’m done.” He could swear the sound of his heart breaking was audible but the look on his face was emotionless. Coming to the realization that this was really it was earth shattering and so silent at the same time. He knew it was coming, but he never quite believed she’d actually do it.

Saying it out loud was it. There was no turning back and Taylor remembered all the things she wanted to say to him, all she had planned to say but she just couldn’t do it. His expression made her sure of her decision although what he felt would tell her otherwise but he didn’t say anything, he didn’t let her show.

“Alright.”

“Alright? That’s what you’re saying?” She scoffed, hoping he said something to make her stay.

“What do you want me to say, Taylor? We both knew it was coming. Might as well get it over with.” He told her, not meaning to come across as cold or rude but failing.

“Wow.” She muttered. “Okay then, I guess this is it.” She rolled her eyes, gulping down the lump in her throat. She walked past him and he grabbed her arm.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“That’s what it sounded like, Adam which is exactly why I’m breaking up with you. It’s been like this for a while. You treat me like shit and then you say you didn’t mean it, it’s a vicious cycle, Adam and I’m the one getting hurt.” She bit her lip, the proximity between them making her a bit uncomfortable in front of the person she used to feel the most comfortable with.

“I don’t want us to be like this. It isn’t what we’re supposed to be.” He murmured and she sighed.

“That’s fine, Adam. I just can’t do this, you clearly don’t want me around anymore and I get that, I do. It happens and people fall out of love just as easily as they fall into it, but let’s just stop. Let’s stick to respect. I respect you and I love you. Let’s leave it at that. We’re done.” Her voice cracked and he hugged her, taking her by surprise and breaking her even more. If this was it then he would hold her one last time. What a coward, he couldn’t even make her stay.

And she left.

He hadn’t properly slept ever since that day. Blaming himself for not doing enough for not showing her how much he loved her. He wanted her back, he regretted taking her for granted. The one girl he actually wanted a future with was gone because he let jealousy get in the way and he pushed her away, treating the opposite of how he wanted to treat her. Because he took her for granted and never believed she’d run, he had gotten too comfortable. What a first class idiot he had been, he let her go. She was in front of him, throwing all his mistakes at his face and he stood there watching without saying anything.

Adam ran over the thought over and over again, he just wanted her to know he loved her more than anything and that he wanted her back but calling her was out the window because she didn’t pick up like he had tried a few days before. Ellie said that she had spoken to Taylor and she had done a good job at pretending she was fine but Elie could see right through it, admittedly she was a bit mad at Adam for not fighting for Taylor but she didn’t show it.

He knew she was in Nashville and that was her safe place, but he didn’t want to break that so he wouldn’t go to Nashville.

Taylor liked letters. Taylor liked letters. Handwritten personal detailed letters. He had written her once for fun when she was in Australia, sent it with a bouquet of flowers and one of his shirts. She had called him right away, he could hear the happiness in her voice. Those three weeks without her had been hell, he didn’t want to think about being without for the rest of his life which would happen if he didn’t do anything about it.

He stood up and walked inside the house, going straight for the office. He got himself a pen and several pieces of paper. If he wanted to write it the right way, he’d have a few times to make mistakes.

The door bell ringing quieted down her. Confused she stood up from the couch and walked over to the door, smiling when she saw her doorman standing outside.

“Good evening, miss Swift.” Chad smiled gently. He had been her doorman ever since she moved in when she was nineteen and he was always so nice to her.

“Hey, Chad. Is there any problem?” She questioned, still questioning why he was at her door.

“Not at all, miss.” Chad shook his head. “Something came in the mail for you and there was a note saying I should deliver this.”

Her brows furrowed and she looked at his hands, finding a little box. He handed her the box and she took it in her hands.

“Does it say who it’s from?” She questioned and Chad shook his head.

“No, miss but whoever it was they know my name because it said I were to specifically deliver this personally.” Even more confused cursed through her. Few people knew Chad’s name apart from who lived in the building and a few of her friends who knew her longer so whoever this was, knew her personally.

“Oh wow, um…thank you, Chad.”

“Just doing my job, miss. Good Night.” Chad smiled, turning around.

Taylor shut the door, the box in her hands. She walked slowly to the couch looking down, trying to go over who it was from. She sat down, looking down at the note on top that read ‘Must be delivered to Taylor Swift’s door by Chad’. The handwriting was familiar and she knew who it was, but she chose not to believe it. It couldn’t be, it wouldn’t be until she opened it. She shut her eyes, setting the box next to her on the couch and took a deep breath. So much for trying not to thinking of him, it was useless either way. He hadn’t left her mind for the past fifteen months, buried in the depths of it making her dream of him every night so she was naive to believe she could not think of him. He was all she thought about.

The box had stayed in the same place until the next morning. When she woke up, there was a text from a certain person that had caused a lot of trouble unintentionally, Tom Hiddleston. He had been nice, a little bit too flirty and she had been pissed at Adam that night at the MET gala so she didn’t really stop him from flirting, she just never reciprocated. The text on her screen was him asking if she wanted to meet up sometime and she thought of the box suddenly. The box that sat on her couch waiting for her to open it and she jumped out of bed, running over to get it.

Once it was in her hands, she bit her lip, examining it once more before beginning to open it. Inside were three things: a toothbrush, a letter and a t shirt. Adam’s t shirt. The letter had her name written on it in Adam’s messy handwriting. And the toothbrush, that was hers. The shirt smelled like him, she reckoned. The smell calmed her down, it always did because it felt like he was there. She held the shirt to her chest, feeling her eyes glaze over with tears. What did all of this mean? The answer was in the letter.

“Remember when you were in Australia and I sent you a letter along with my t shirt because I missed you so much and you were crying on the phone about how you had forgotten to put it in your suitcase in the middle of everything? I hated those three weeks more than I’ve hated anything in my life. And if three weeks were hell, I can’t imagine what it will be like to live without you forever.

I don’t even know where to start, to be honest. I’m not as good with words as you are. I’ll just tell you, if you do read this, what I’ve done since you’ve been gone.

I haven’t slept well. I sleep like an hour every night because I wake up to your scent on your pillow because stupidly I seem to enjoy torturing myself by sleeping on your side of bed. It’s pointless because it keeps me awake. You’re all I can think about. I’ve been going over all that I did wrong and how much of an idiot I am.

Speaking of idiocy. You know what happened last morning when I got out bed? I set two plates on the counter for breakfast and went to look for cat food to feed the cats, except that there were no cats and I sent Roy away to Charlie because seeing him reminded me of you, how happy you looked when you gave him to me and how drained you looked when you left me. It hurt too much, everything hurts because every time I walk around the house, memories of you pop in my head. I sat down on the grass looking out at the city of LA and was plagued with the thoughts of the future we planned in that same spot. I was reminded once again of the future I wanted and the future I destroyed.

I found your toothbrush today and it knocked the air out of my lungs, I felt like I had been punched multiple time in the stomach and my heart broke all over again, so I realized that I need you and I want you forever.

Is it better without me? I hope you’re okay.

But if you ever decide come back, if you ever come back to me, I hope you know I’ll be here arms wide open for you.

I’ll take fighting over being without you. If fighting is all you remember of us, remember that I never stopped loving you, not for one second, not ever. I took you for granted and that was the biggest mistake of my life. I’m sorry my jealousy hurt you, it was never my intention. I just showed you I didn’t want to lose you the wrong way which in the end did just that. I lost you. I’m sorry for hurting you and for pushing you away. I’m so sorry. I should’ve fought for you.

If I cross your mind, if you read this, if you decide to come back home, Taylor Swift, on Friday, I’ll be here, sitting in this house that seems far to big without you. You know the code to the gate and there’s a key under the mat, the light will be on in the hall. Please come home.

Love,

Adam.”

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