because i need a break to process everything

“An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” — is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.It isn’t that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you. It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us.The possibility of life between us.”

Adrienne Rich, from On Lies, Secrets & Silence  

I'm doing fine

I’m doing fine.

She seems just as fine without me too,
I see it every day.
She finds comfort in the words that other people say and appears rather happy about it.
Taking on a new attitude to life,
She’s on her own making the best of her time.
I wish I could tell you the same,
But instead I’m stuck in my old fashion ways.
Because with each passing moment I still wish that she were mine.

I need to break out of the habit.
I have to stop my addiction.
I still would do any and everything for her because she is my biggest affliction.
I say that I’m just being nice
And I’d do it for anyone.
I tell myself to not get my hopes high,
To not get caught in another lie.
I know I’m hurting myself in the process Because she is fine without me.
I sometimes just wish that she wasn’t obstructing my view,
Because she is all that I see.
It hasn’t been long and it seems she’s already over me.
How could I mean so much and so little almost simultaneously?

In the back of my mind I know I’ll always remain hopeful as I try to repress those feelings on the outside.
I know that I cannot let myself be destroyed by the feelings I’m trying to place aside.
But these feelings are here to stay.
I showed her the deepest parts of my soul and she just went away.
Little does she know she took some of my soul with her
And I can still see it shining through.
A part of me has been etched into her and I’m sure she knows it too.
No matter what I do,
I’ll always have intentions of finding my way back to you.

Why do weighted blankets gotta be so damn expensive?! You’d think they’d let us off with a break but nooooo…like where the hell am I gonna scratch up 300$ just so I can sleep at night?! And because I live in Canada, everything shipped from the US costs 10,000$ and my first born in shipping. SO FRUSTRATED

I’ve done so much for you, maybe not physically but emotionally. I fed your ego and starved mine. I let you use me because it meant I was still yours. I took care of you and destroyed myself in the process. I dropped everything else in my life to make it revolve around you. I cried myself at night over you hoping you’d be okay the next morning. I’d break every bone in my body for you. But what I didn’t realize was that the feeling wasn’t mutual.
—  2am thoughts