I’ve been thinking lately about my childhood and how my SM developed.. it’s strange because my twin sister doesn’t really remember a time when she actually talked to other people, but I do.
I remember my first days of school, I was actually excited (nervous too, I’ve always been a very nervous person lol) but yeah, I was all up for making friends and I tried at first, but was always rejected.. because I wanted to hang out with the boys, and that seemed to be frowned upon by adults (my parents, mostly) and even the boys I tried talking to were like “eww! a girl!! noo go away” and just yeah I just remember from a very early age being told that girls should hang out with girls and boys with boys.
I don’t know if that attitude is just a cultural issue around here or maybe it had to do with the school’s environment (a catholic school, I realize now a lot of the things they did just seem wrong now in many ways, and that also gave me a lot of other issues, I don’t want to have anything to do with that school anymore and I’ve distanced myself from religion now– but I’m rambling, that’s another story)
So I eventually gave up and started trying to talk to girls but I just never felt like I really belonged, and I had this feeling that they didn’t either, I always felt different, I had no interests in common with them and we just didn’t connect.
I’ve always been a very anxious and sensitive person. As a child I just cried a lot for many different reasons, so as time went by and I kept being rejected again and again it started to get to me, the alternative of hanging out with girls didn’t interest me as much and even if I tried I didn’t feel accepted either, I started to wonder if I was doing or saying something wrong to people and that was why I was always rejected but I couldn’t find out what it was so I started to keep to myself more and more. I felt really sad and frustrated a lot of the time and the whole situation started ruining my self esteem. Kids around me noticed how I barely talked to anyone and I started to be known as “the girl who doesn’t talk”.
It just made me feel worse, and I started to feel trapped in a vicious cycle, I wanted to talk to people, but when I did I was rejected, so I didn’t talk, but then I was seen as a weird kid, bullying started happening, and I just kept feeling worse and talking less and less until going completely mute. And I mean completely, All form of communication soon became impossible for me (example. teachers would ask me something and most times I wouldn’t even shake my head to respond) because I had the feeling inside me that I was going to be punished or mocked for doing the wrong thing, or saying things the wrong way so I somehow came to the conclusion that it was better to just not talk at all.
Somewhere around when I started elementary school I met my first and best friend, I don’t remember how we met but friendship just spontaneously happened and since then we hung out all the time. She was the first, and to this day still the only person I could freely talk to outside of my direct family.
In the recent 2 years or so, my friend has told me she(he? we haven’t talked about their pronouns) would love to transition and look and be like a man, and that it’s something she’s also felt since childhood. Learning that now, I think it’s no wonder we got along so well from the beginning :’D
I’ve started talking to some guys too, and I think I have 1 or 2 of them I can consider friends, but I don’t see them very often and when I do I still don’t feel as “free” to talk as I do with my best friend. I’m starting to feel a bit more comfortable with myself but I still don’t know how to get to that comfortable state in a friendship when I can talk freely and it still makes me feel very lonely, it’s still really hard to make friends. ( this is totally not a post trying to get to know another trans people to befriend. ok maybe it is. I would love to make more friends even if its just on tumblr, it’s actually so much easier for me to start talking via text )
So yeah this whole thing makes me realize my selective mutism is probably very closely related to my trans-ness. I didn’t notice the signs before or tried to ignore them, or felt them as if there was something wrong with me, that I was just weird for liking the things I did and wanting to do “boy” things, but as I’ve recently been learning about this topic and looking at the happenings and feelings in my life I’m coming to terms that 99.99999% sure.. I am a trans guy.
can we start practicing self love that doesn’t focus so much on looks? like sure feeling beautiful is nice but you know what? you got a kickass personality too! you know that little quirk that you’re sure is annoying? it’s endearing as hell and when you laugh you literally embody sunshine like you don’t have to constantly tell yourself you’re pretty if you can’t believe it because in the end that’s not the most special thing about you. learning to love your insides is just as hard as the outside. vanity isn’t the be all and end all of self love you can be a lil ugly and still love yourself
As much as i love the cult ending stuff, i also love the idea of Joseph actually being a real sweet guy.
None of the cult stuff, he’s a regular dad with a failing marriage and a lot of stress and all he wants is to escape life and go to the Bahamas and sail his boat and drink fruity alcohol, the guy is probably having a mid-life crisis, tbh.
His wife flirts with other men, is an alcoholic, snaps at him. He’s not much better than her, he snaps as well and pursues a romance with the New Dad On The Block, but neither of them want eachother anymore, and its written to be very blatantly obvious that they are both terrible for eachother.
I want to imagine a good ending where Mary and Joseph do split, on good terms. Where Amanda’s gone off to college and Joseph stays with you in your house. Where he gets partial custody of his kids and they visit on weekends and holidays and during the week whenever. Where you give the twins more fodder for their creepy charade and chris opens up to you, and you finally get to meet his toddler, crish.
Joseph takes you out on his boat and you have margaritas on the deck together and he teaches you about rigging the sails. He kisses you a lot and he casually puts an arm around your waist and he smiles and you know its a real smile not just a facade.
He’s still the Cool Youth Pastor, and you help him with the dances and the bake sales. Sometimes you sit in when he’s doing bible study with the kids, you help pass out snacks, you help him coordinate vacation bible school in the summer. In the evenings he sits in the living room on a recliner and reads the good book, with his reading glasses sliding down his nose.
And once every now and then you both scrape up enough money for a real vacation to the keys or the caribbean or wherever. You go to the real Margaritaville and live on island time for a week or so. You stay in a cute hut on the water like in the sandals commercials, walk on the beach, have a romantic dinner, and he takes you back to your suite and you both have a slow romantic evening in bed.
You can tell he’s happy being with you, and even after years he still makes your heart skip a beat.