I know round here we all agree that hot!young Harrison Ford with his carpenter’s hands is one of the most compelling arguments for time travel humanity has yet put forward, but I am here to tell you that the modern 6 year old is less easy to impress. “I thought Indiana Jones was a girl,” she said sadly, clearly underwhelmed by her first sight of him in Raiders of the Lost Ark. “Me too,” echoed her sister, slurping mournfully at a Calipo as if I personally had betrayed her by allowing this 80s classic to be made with a ~man~ as the main character. “She should be a girl. A girl with glasses.”
Move over Harrison my friend, kids today don’t want hats n whips n leather jackets, they want their swashbuckling heroes to be GIRLS. Girls who look like librarians. Get to work Hollywood, don’t leave my children disappointed.
You’ve asked me to tell you a story, to weave you a theory. My inbox sings with your requests to try and jumble everything together. You ask. I’ll deliver.
I’ll give it my best shot because there’s nothing I like more than a challenge. We’re sticking to the usual plan of trying to make the most ridiculous but still kinda plausible theory possible. To start us off, here’s what canon information I have to work with.
The Existing Carmilla Mythos - So we naturally have everything from the 3 seasons to work with. You’ve seen the web series. You know.
The Original Trailer - This is the one on the beach that announced the movie. Frankly, I’m curious as to how much of this will actually apply because from my understanding it was put together before they had a script. As a scene, it’s probably cut. I’m treating the information as canon because I don’t have enough material to be cutting ANY of it.
The New Cast Information - Literally yesterday, we received the names of three new cast members. Seeing as I’m going to make the case that these are all literary references (stay tuned) just their names alone give me info. They are:
The Woman In Black
Now we do our magical conjecture and fun fact building to try and whip it all together into a coherent story. Basically, I’m going to write you a movie because I’m a novelist at heart and a story structure buff. We’re going to try and figure out what we can expect when the movie releases in the fall (?). Buckle up, creampuffs.
This is going to get 7k words worth of messy from parents to exes to fish gods to old school novellas.
Last night I had a dream there was a new sitcom about a Chinese man moving to the US. And it started off by showing him getting off the plane at the airport and he can’t speak or understand English at all. So he somehow befriends a random dude he meets on the street and they become roommates and the show basically just shows their escapades in daily life. They become best friends despite the fact they don’t understand each other at all.
so when the show ended they revealed a huge plot twist….the Chinese dude knew perfect English the whole time. The show ends on the Chinese dude giving this huge heartfelt speech about love and friendship transcending language barriers and his American friend just screams “YOU SPOKE ENGLISH THIS WHOLE TIME?! WHAT THE FU-” and then the screen cuts to black and the credits roll and I woke up very confused
I feel like you all need a french lesson about “je suis allé au cinéma avec mon copain et ma famille.”
“Mon copain” has a double meaning in French. It could be “my friend” or “my boyfriend”.
But let’s be clear: you’re using “mon copain” as “my friend” when you’re 8 yo. If you’re on age of dating, it will be interpreted automatically as “my boyfriend”.
(But “mes copains” as plural will automatically be interpreted as “my friends”, even if you’re 20yo.)(or maybe you’re in a polyamory relationship but it doesn’t happen this often ^^’)
(also you can say “je suis allé au cinéma avec un copain”, and it will be interpreted as “just a friend”. Example : “tu sors avec lui? - Non, c’est un copain / oui c’est mon copain” Are you dating him ? No it’s a friend/ yes it’s my boyfriend”)