because i know i'll never be that to anyone

I was taught young how to be stone-cold, self-reliant, to hold myself high and poised, with a ready smile and a subtle charm ready to conquer the world. So I learned from early on to only cry behind close doors, on dim lights, without sound, to howl in pain silently, to break down without anyone knowing, and to never ask for help. Because when no one sees you suffering, do you really suffer? Much like, when a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? I can always just pretend that whatever pains me never happened, and I can always go back and face the world pretending I’m okay.
—  cynthia go // If a tree falls in a forest [88/365]
I don’t care what anyone says about you or if they think they know you because they don’t know you the way I do.
—  Tenari Ioapo // Confessions of a woman madly in love #16.

Tell me what to do when my knees won’t stop shaking,
or how to piece my heart back together when I myself am the one who broke it,

because I don’t know anything anymore,
and lately I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

Tell me how to lift the weight off my chest,
or how to wipe away the tears before anyone see’s them,

because I’ve become so fucking fragile, that god, even my friends don’t want to be around me.

Tell me how to get back what I lost, even though I don’t know what I’m searching for,

because my heart can’t take the crushing feeling I get every night, and I’m running out of tears to cry.

—  little bit confused little bit crazy
Malevolent Mistletoes

Summary: Dan and Phil hate each other and yet they’re underneath a mistletoe together.

Word Count: 1.1k

Genre: Fluff (and christmas)

you might have seen this already on the @phan-drabble-advent-calendar blog, but here’s for anyone who missed it! don’t forget to go check out the drabbles of other authors, there’s a new one every day this month!

Keep reading

I told myself I won’t be in a situation where my feelings would take control of me. That I won’t be in a situation where my emotions will make me vulnerable, as if my body reacts solely to it. Then you came, and with you I don’t mind being vulnerable. Because with you I feel safe. Waking up and falling asleep hearing your voice is what I look forward to everyday, ever since we’ve come to know each other and that is something I haven’t felt with anyone before. And it’s hard because I don’t know if I am just imagining things but somehow, between the silence and heavy sighs, I know you care. It is something I don’t want to push myself into or else I’d end up hurt. I am willing to take time because I know that when I love, I love hard. That it’s better to save myself for the best person possible. I don’t want the kind of love that only lasts for months, we are worth more than that. I am willing to wait if waiting means I am all yours and you’re all mine. I am willing to wait as long as I am sure that my soon-to-be’s and in-between’s will be you.
i am the type of girl that never looks away, is always smiling. always nodding along, “yes. im listening. im here.” i spill apologies like raindrops, sometimes i think im flooding. i smile, choke down the words that aren’t acceptable to say, i laugh in the face of pain. “it’s okay.” i won’t let you know that you hurt me because i am too scared of damaging anyone else, i trace my finger along people’s spines, pinpointing their strong spots, showing them how to stand tall. i make sure they can stand on their own, i lend them some of my own, i tell them, “you are brave.” i am a girl that gives, gives, gives. i don’t like to take without leaving something in return, i don’t like to walk away without marking down exactly the spot i left. this is why it was so hard to walk away from you. i will smile at you and her and him and every other person i see. and if you ask me how i am, it’ll always be the same answer. “i am fine.” really, i am. don’t think of me as any less and when you see tears slipping down my cheeks in class please, notice. there are times when i cannot be strong on my own and i will need a hand to hold onto, a smile to pull me back, to balance me. sometimes all i need is a simple “thank you.” and i will not ask for much but when i ask you to stay, please, promise me you will and i will give you all i have and everything you could ever ask for. i am the type of girl that loves and loves and loves and will never beg you to stick around. i will never invite you into my darkness so if you want to see it, just step on in and i will welcome you despite my fear. i will light it up for you. i am the type of girl who cannot be bright for herself, but you will never catch me not giving, not shinning, for others.
—  i will be your sunshine, just ask.

1. Because your first words were I’m interested in you, but I don’t know if you’re interested in me. Let me tell you why that caught my attention and I dropped every single doubt I had about you and why it could work out between us.

2. Because I said the exact same thing to a woman a few weeks ago and I know the same feeling of rejection, I would never let anyone feel that way. So there’s this thing called chance, and this is our first.

3. Your eyes say the moon can be full 24/7.

4. Your smile is broken and its not teeth or the physical aspect. It’s the way your lips curl when happiness wings away, light years away. It’s the way you’ve had nothing to say, but nice things. It’s the way you talk with such passion when it comes to things you’d love to do one day. It’s because within the first conversation, I knew you were just like me… in search for a companion, but knowing and realizing you may never, ever find it.

5. You have this thing you do with your lips when you’re happy and lowkey trying to hide it. It’s mad cute. Really.

6. You’ve been in and out of love so much, that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be loved.

7. Because we all need someone to say, I care about you even for the smallest questions like why do you keep me around. Because your constant questioning is reassurance that you need and since I’m a writer, I care about you too.

8. Because kind women deserve to be admired.

9. Because a broken heart needs to feel loved.

10. When I stare into your eyes and you look away, I’ve asked you before– why do you do that? “Because I’m scared the truth might be more profound than what our hearts can accept.”

11. Because when we woke up together–
you said “I was scared that you were gone.”

12. Because nobody should cower under depression while fighting mental illness and a heart that is wider than any given horizon trying to swallow the sun one last time.

13. Because like all writers– you love to hear things, even if it’s pointless, even if it’s useless, even if it’s repeated seven times a day– fuck, don’t we love to hear things? I miss you too.

14. Somewhere behind my poetry, you waited behind a few metaphors and somewhere behind my head and while I daze off– you’re looking at me with that look. Come on ladies and gentleman, we all know the look. The look that one gives from across the room. That look speaks for itself. The look that empties a crowd room into a glass of red wine. They’re all drowning in noise, but we’re the only sound worth listening to in that room. In that moment, no amount of romanticization can explain that look. So yes. I’ll just call it the look because fuck, I’m an honest poet. If anyone has ever seen this look, you know the look. The look that says more than an anxious reader finally reading a favorite line. The look that explains why the universe gave stars out to every corner of our sky. The look that says, well, where the hell have you been?

15. We search for people all our lives and you know the funniest thing? They live right down the street.

16. Because lately, I can say it does get better. Time doesn’t fix shit, but a little waiting never hurts anyone. A little ache here and there makes our heart feel so much more. A little love from here to here will always make us want more.

17. You didn’t win your battles. You didn’t win your war. You didn’t feel love. You didn’t know a thing about where it might be– let me tell you. This is not a battle. This is not a war. You don’t have to fight. There’s freedom in being a bird without a cage. There’s freedom inside a heart that never quits loving others more than we do ourselves.

18. You don’t like bullshit. Shit, I don’t either.

19. You’re blunt, but tender. Fuck, so am I.

20. You don’t know about your beauty.
Well, since you like to hear the truth.

I think that you’re beautiful.

—  A list of things I like about you and why they will remain as we stay.
What pisses me off is that you’re supposed to feel this too. You’re supposed to feel butterflies when you hear my name. You’re supposed to hate the thought of me being with anyone else. You’re supposed to look at me, feel everything inside you click, and know that you love me. You shouldn’t have to guess what I’m feeling, because you should feel it too. And that’s exactly why I deserve better. Those feelings tell me I love you, and clearly you don’t.
—  g.e. // January 16th
to anyone who needs it:

the day after you kill yourself, you’re going to wake up feeling empty. like your body is hallow and with every step you can hear your bones creak and like any normal day, you get up and go to school because you assume it’ll be just like any other day. right? you’re at school, and everyone is crying. why are they crying? you walk past all of the bodies with tears streaming down their cheeks. again, why are they crying so hard? you hear someone say, “i can’t believe they are gone” and another, “why did they have to go soon? they were always so happy.” and you know, this time, it’s real. you walk the hallway as every face you never thought noticed you, is color ridden, they are pale, sad, walking is too much for them. because they are without another happy face. and you see, your best friend she’s crying so hard in class she’s choking on her own tears because she cannot breathe without you. because she promised herself she would make it to school because you knew she was strong and you made sure you told her that everyday and she owed that to you, and she is broken because you promised you would call her when the nights became too heavy for her. why didn’t you call her? she’s sobbing harder now, she misses you, and she wants to join you because a life without you is like a life without sunshine, it’s simply impossible to thrive. that boy you liked so much, he liked you too. why couldn’t you see that? he loved you. he called you every time you were sad because he hated he couldn’t always be there to wipe away your tears and now, he’s the one with so many tears. he is crying and he’s not gonna stop anytime soon because he misses you, and he regrets not telling you he loved you sooner. he can’t stop thinking about the night he finally got the courage to hold your hand. he wishes he could’ve held onto you tighter, because maybe it would have kept you here. alive. your lunch table, is filled with people but one spot, it is empty. because you were supposed to be there, you were supposed to be making your god damn lame jokes and smiling that cheesy smile you did where your eyes lit up so bright. you know what im talking about, you just couldn’t see it. and everyone around you, they miss your laugh. they miss the way you always smiled at everyone, even if they didn’t know you, even if you were completely falling apart. kiddo, you kept everyone together. and everyone was convinced, you were kept together too and im sorry you didn’t see it. but look now, everyone is crying, everyone. even the people you thought didn’t notice you, bud, they did. it was impossible not to notice the one face that no matter how much they were falling apart, was always so bright and full of life. and your parents, they miss you. every time they come home now, they walk past your room and their hearts drop and break right outside your bedroom door and they stay there. because everyone is far too weak and broken to pick anything up after you left. and im writing this because i know. i see the broken smiles that have pieces of the lives lost still stuck in them. i hear the stories of how beautiful and caring she was and i knew her. and it hurts. because you think you don’t matter and you’re convinced you don’t, until it’s too late. please, don’t let it become too late. when you see people broken after a life is lost, you understand. and it’s terrible and for weeks after, you can’t help but cry every time you feel the sun on your skin because they won’t get to feel that anymore. and it rips you to shreds and changes you as a person. so please, take it from someone who understands, you are worth life. you deserve to live. i know things are hard, i know you feel alone, but things will not be dark forever. on the other side of the clouds there is still sunshine no matter how bad the storm once was. so i am begging you, stay alive.

“I know she’s someone special to him. I know she will always have a special place in his heart. I know she knows him better than me. Afterall, they have known each other first before I came into the picture. I know, and I understand. Because she’s his bestfriend.”

I stare into the open space, trying to convince myself that I do, I do understand.

“But sometimes, I wish I knew him better than anyone else. Sometimes, I wish I couldn’t see how much he cared for her. Sometimes, I wish I could be his girlfriend and bestfriend at the same time. Because sometimes, i’m afraid she could take him away from me.”

—  To my boyfriend’s bestfriend, I am not mad at you nor do I hate you. I’m just a bit jealous of your special connection with him. I’m sorry.

And maybe you don’t see it now, maybe you won’t see it for a long time but darling, I’ve never met anyone quite as wonderful as you.

I’ve never met anyone who could put the spark back in my eyes with a simple smile and ‘I’m here’ and maybe I’ll never be able to return the favour, but as long as you’d have me I’d like you to know that there’s someone in the world who will love you even after the stars no longer shine for us.

I will love you even after the sun decides to set and never rise again and you are worth every drop of love I have running through my veins and every breath I take to keep going when I think I might just die today and every tear I decide not to let fall because somewhere in the world, there’s you. So somewhere in the world is my smile, and it isn’t fake and it’s all because of you.

—  //The shattered flower

I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore.
I was never ready for a relationship, and I knew it. So I made no effort to meet new people and give myself an opportunity to fall for people.

Now here I am, with a bunch of new people. And my friends tell me that I am a flirtatious person and I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea because. I am still not ready for a relationship. But I don’t know if I am going to get myself into one by accident.

—  I don’t know if I like these new people in that way.

Fav Fic/Fic Rec 3/? : Strawberry Milk Fic by Wankerville
Word Count: 157k

we’ll play hide and seek to turn this around (give me love like never before)

“So here’s the thing,” he starts. “I didn’t mean what I said a few weeks ago to like, hurt your feelings or anything. If you like painting your nails, then you should do that, and not like, care if anyone else doesn’t like it because their opinions shouldn’t matter, you know?” Louis takes a breath, finally glancing over to see the boy wide-eyed and pink-cheeked. On a whim, he adds, “And like, I noticed you scraping it off and you haven’t been wearing any and I think you should because that’s what you like.”
or an au where harry paints his nails and drinks strawberry milk and is too nervous for it to be nothing and louis’ just trying to figure out whats wrong with him 

cause all that you are is all that i’ll ever need

Strawberry milk layers their upper lips, and they giggle and lick it off of each other. They taste it in each others mouths when they kiss; it’s on their tongues, and filling their tummies. There are seven cartoons in the fridge, with 1 out that they keep pouring into shot glasses. They give each other a ‘cheers!’ and tip it down their throats. Instead of burning their mouths, it wipes away the sting that is already inside of them.
(Harry still has days when he needs to feel good on the inside. Louis can see it in his eyes, and on these days, Louis needs it too. Maybe just as much.)
or the strawberry milk sequel; where harry still needs help, louis’ trying to give it to him, liam rents a van, zayns a bit protective of his best mate, and nialls there to tie it all together.

lumière, darling 

Part 3 of strawberry milk fic

I know after you see me, you go running to her side because you’re afraid that you felt something too. I know that our eyes locking wasn’t a coincidence, and I know that nobody clicks with you like I do. We understand each other on a level that nobody else can. And you’re scared that you’ll never find anyone quite like me. Don’t worry, I’ll never find anyone like you either.
—  (via fraagmented)
What’re you afraid of?”
She laughed because where should she start. Afraid of never being able to speak her voice, afraid of living a cautious, eventless life, afraid of watching the world around her collapse. But what he wanted to know was not those things.
“You,” she responded casually.
The boy was bewildered. “Why?”
“Because you have this great power I never wanted to give to anyone. You could break me with four words- I don’t love you.
—  excerpt from a story I’ll never write #6

I want to text you and I want to make sure that you’re doing okay. Because I think of you daily, if you’re okay and if your demons are being kind to you.

But you found new friends and maybe new happiness. And maybe, even if it breaks my heart each day, I have to let you keep going about your life.

We never ended. You just stopped communicating, and everything turned bitter. I told you things I hadn’t told anyone before and I don’t know how to let you go when you are holding a part of me.

—  Please love yourself, and please keep my secrets safe.

I wish I can tell you that I want you back because heavens know that I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.

But I just don’t. At least not anymore.

—  I’m stronger and smarter and better now / d.a.p
I’m just not good enough. My friends all saw it. My coaches and teachers saw it too. I know I just started but I will never be as good as anyone around me and even though I didn’t do well I should get something for the improvements I’ve made but no, no, I get nothing. Because apparently that’s what I’m worth. Everyone who told me I was good was lying to my face to make me feel better. The rest of my family is winning in everything they do but I don’t have that. I’m not special. I haven’t found that one thing that I love to do that I’m actually good at, or at least not good enough to be noticed. I am not good enough for anyone.
—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #15