I know it’s been said countless times, but Kanda returning for Allen is so damn important.
In his whole life, Allen never really thought of himself as someone important and this feeling only amplified after turning Mana into an Akuma and killing him; while Allen never let himself be intimidated by anyone, he always placed everyone else’s life, wellbeing and general interest above his. Even though it hurt him, he never really got angry at anyone who chose something else over him, he was never anyone’s first priority but he felt no rage, because he felt that - while it hurts, more than anything ever - he doesn’t deserve it. If there’s anyone who can understand that feeling, that’s Kanda.
From the moment he was ‘born‘ he was used and abused in the name of the Holy War and while he grew attached to people and he was taken care of, no one stood up for him, no one saved him so he had to save himself and cut down his best friend to survive. Just like Allen he too carries inmeasurable guilt and sadness, giving his all to stay true to his oath, only to realise that it’s all been in vain: Alma is alive and he needs to destroy him again to keep that promise.
However, unlike last time, there IS someone by his side, and no matter how many times he attacks him, he hurts him both physically and psychologically, Allen doesn’t give up on him; the guy he tried to keep away from himself the most did everything in his power to stop him from committing the same mistake. In the last moment, Allen’s sacrifice snaps him out of his trance-like state.
But in Mater, once Kanda cools down it suddenly crashes down on him: Allen risked EVERYTHING for his sake and Alma, both because he was a person, and both because he meant so much to Kanda. For once in his life, Kanda was someone’s firrst priority - and Kanda realises in horror, that it’s exchange of Allen’s own freedom. Kanda wasn’t only saved by Allen, but he asked for help, after he basically left Allen in deep shit, with a fully awakened Noah within him. Kanda doesn’t want to become like the people he both hated, so he gathered the little life he still had left and followed Allen, joining up Johnny.
Johnny’s part is incredibly important too, Allen tried to save Suman, who Johnny was friends with and then Johnny begged Allen to save everyone when Allen had a mental breakdown from seeing the soul of a Level 4 for the first time in his life. Looking back, Johnny felt selfish for not noticing how emotionally challenging this encounter was to Allen and did his best to cheer him up. So when Allen got expulsed, he started working out and then went after him, to help him like so many times Allen did.
Allen appreciates this, but doesn’t want them near, he pushes them away, not only because it’s much harder hiding if he has company, but because he can’t keep them safe - not even from himself.
And then his confrontation with Kanda in the alley: Allen is glad Kanda is alive, but he feels that he robbed Kanda of his peace, because Kanda gave up his freedom to return. For the first time in his life, Allen became someone’s first priority, but he’s scared to death of the notion that Kanda might die for him.
Kanda of course has none of that, he won’t die being indebted to someone to such extent and he won’t leave Allen alone in the shit he contributed to unleashing on him. I doubt Kanda knows about Allen’s past and feelings, but from the glimpses he saw he has a basic understanding and he wants Allen to know that he’s worthy of risking one’s life for, he’s worthy of being the most important to someone, he’s worthy of being saved.
That’s why, if there’s someone who can save Allen, from the Noah, from himself, it’s Kanda.
okay some more kylo ren thoughts re: mostly general hux sort of?
there’s definitely a little bit of hate between kylo and hux, a lot of fury. kylo gets the information from poe and exits to find hux awaiting him. hux clearly understands that kylo ren is efficient, even if he is volatile. kylo provides the information and probably feels a sense of satisfaction, almost a challenge in him when he says “i leave that to you” in regards to finding the droid. it’s in hux’s hands.
even though he sensed FN-2187, when hux fails to get the droid and the dream team gets away, he is furious with himself for letting the trooper go unquestioned. he is even more furious when he hears the model of the ship that they escape on. YT-1300 light model freighter. the same model that his father won’t shut up about. the same exact ship. someone else (@
fatally-procrastinating ) made a great post about the timing of kylo’s tantrums and they’re always, always, always things that he could have changed or things that connect with the ben side of him. it’s not even that he can call it a disbelief in the training and ability of hux’s soldiers, he’s angry because he can feel the movement of the force pulling him inexorably forward and he’s desperate for his next step not to be into the light.
but this is why kylo puts the blame on hux a little, he questions the efficiency of the training and suggests clone troopers (later using it as reason to going after the droid himself) he can’t see the map destroyed. he needs it. he must finish what he began when he betrayed luke. what his grandfather began.
but with hux, he doesn’t feel the call to the light as much, he’s too busy raging against the machine that is hux. he admires the man, despite himself because hux is unquestioningly dedicated to the first order, to the darkness. hux, who is willing to take the entirety of the responsibility for losing the droid, hux, who is so systematically efficient, hux who does not even hesitate to suggest the use of a weapon that will wipe out an entire system.
when he is near hux, kylo ren can feel the darkness, tangible, overshadowing the light. you can see kylo turn to hux, he doesn’t have the luxury to even consider ben, not with snoke and hux so close. he and hux exchange this like intense look, there’s borderline hostility in it. neither of them can forget the other’s presence when they’re in the same room. they rail against one another, questioning each other’s ability while being unable to admit that the other isn’t worthy of some small credit or admiration. gnnsfdmnbfdg
and kylo never forgets himself. who he is when hux is around. he can make dark sardonic remarks and make quips without ever once feeling like ben.
So I saw a post earlier that I want to share my thoughts on. Essentially it said that rather than cram you should study 15 minutes every day. It also said “who has time for doing the exam in 1 hour when you can do it in 10 minutes?” and talks about guilt and disappointment after not getting a good grade due to putting off studying. I don’t remember who the poster was and I’m certainly not trying to shut anyone down, but I thought I would raise a few points in defense of myself and others in my shoes. After all, this is my blog.
First of all, the comment about test taking. What about those with LDs or anxiety like myself? I can study my ass off - in advance and cramming - and STILL need time and a half to complete an exam. To claim that studying every day will decrease the amount of time for everyone to take a test (or even make it easier) doesn’t track for me, and I felt like it disregarded people who study hard but can’t just breeze through a test no matter how smart they are. The length of time it takes to complete a test does not reflect on your intelligence, study skills, or competency. So don’t worry, those of you who struggle with time management due to a learning or emotional disability.
Second of all, sometimes you’re stuck in a position where you have to cram. Maybe you procrastinated but maybe life got in the way. Just because you cram doesn’t mean you’ll feel horrible after and get a bad grade. I don’t endorse putting things off, but I wouldn’t make a blanket statement and say that cramming will lead to disappointment and guilt and “what if"s. There are effective ways to cram, too. You likely won’t retain the information long term, but in a pinch, you can pull off a good grade with last minute studying. Plus, if you’ve paid attention in class and done homework, you’re probably in good shape already.
I study constantly. And I cram. I’ll study lightly for weeks and spend the day or two before the final nonstop studying, which I guess would be considered cramming. And I still take extra time on tests, and don’t feel guilty, and do fine.
Third of all, the 15 minutes every day for 2 weeks idea. That may be effective in some situations, but in my experience, sometimes it’s necessary to study in longer time increments. What if you get tested every week? You’re going to have to put in longer study sessions to succeed. I’m not going to stop halfway through a chapter after the 15 minute mark. While it may work for some, I don’t think it’s totally realistic to expect that 15 minutes of studying for 2 weeks will ensure good study skills or a good grade. It may for some, but if others try it and fall short they may feel unnecessarily bad. Don’t feel bad.
In the end, there is more than one way to "study smart.” There is no single method that will help you learn more or be less tired or get better grades. Everybody learns and studies differently. Some people can barely study and take a test in 10 minutes. Some people can study hard and take 90 minutes. Some people have to cram. We are all different and there’s no guarantee of any one method being the magic bullet for every student.
The way to “study smart” (in my opinion) is to roll with the punches. Accept your flaws. Use trial and error. Apply corrections. Study however you study best. Love yourself and trust yourself, because you are motivated and wonderful and worthy whether or not you get good grades.