because i clearly am stupid


The hole was sealed by sunset, the time of day when the sun begins its descent beyond the horizon, y’know?


Putting my letterman jacket on, today is Robyn’ birthday and I got her something that I hope she does like. Putting my snapback on and my shades I was ready to go, I’m only taking Mijo with me just to keep it low key because she said she is keeping it low key. Grabbing the long black bag from my bed and making my way down the stairs “niggas!!” I cheesed running down the last of the steps “look at that smile!” Robb pointed laughing at me “do I look good? I know I look basic but do I look good?” Robb looked me up and down “perfect” he put a thumb up “can y’all smell that” hood waved his hand about “did you just bathe in cologne because that shit is strong” he is just being a hater “man forget y’all, tell Mijo I’ll be outside” picking the card I wrote her from the side, I put a lot of effort into this “he’s outside waiting anyways” Hood shouted as I made my way out, I am so excited to see her.

I heard Mijo sigh at the side of me, he been sighing so much since we left. He thinks I am wasting my time because after all that time of dodging me and staying away from me why would she want to know me now, Mijo has a point but I feel she wants me more than she is letting on “what did you get her?” he asked, he was about to unzip the long bag but I slapped his hand “don’t, you will see it just chill and stop sighing so hard everything will be good” hopefully because I don’t want nothing to ruin today, I hate how down she has been because of turning 34, I know she feels like she hasn’t done much in life but she has and till this day she still amazes me.

Mijo hit my arm as I slowed my car down “she did say low key?” Mijo asked feeling unsure about the situation, my mouth hung open I swore she said it was going to be small “this look like some private house party with high security” I feel so deflated now, I wanted to come to her house without any questions or pictures “what if she is just playing me to look stupid? I mean she has done it before and I got turned away at the party” I am doubting myself so much now “shall we go?” looking in the rear-view mirror to check if it was okay to reverse the hell out of here or do a U-turn “Chris” Mijo said pointing to the window, turning my head one of the many bodyguards here was stood outside my window “if we get told to leave I am going to personally get Rihanna this time” Mijo said in anger, I blew out air pressing the button to let the window roll down “here is your ticket and I shall be parking your car” I took the ticket looking at Mijo, he just shrugged not knowing what to do.

Holding her birthday card and dress as we walked up the pathway “fuck” I said aloud “we the only niggas wearing dumb shit, everyone is suited and booted” I feel so dumb right now, Mijo looks so mad with me but she never mentioned anything at all. Mijo slapped the back of my head and pushed me forward “this says invite only and they looking at people’s invite and you got nothing but a fucking birthday card” putting my head down as I saw Jay go inside with Bey with no hassle, everyone in the business is going to be here. She lied to me and here I am still walking, it’s like my legs won’t stop “invite sir” his voice sounded like he wasn’t pleased or maybe not pleased with what I’m wearing “this is a invite only event” I looked up shifting my hat back a little “Robyn I mean Rihanna” I stuttered “said to come and I was invited” people were walking passed glaring at me, If she embarrasses me like this I will never forgive her. She did the same shit last time to me “oh yes, Chris Brown plus one. She wrote it here” he smiled, I swear I never felt so relieved in my life because these celebrities were about to tweet this shit to everyone that I got rejected.

Jay Brown saw me but he didn’t say anything, not even a hello but I don’t care for it “her place is big as shit, we ain’t going to see her today” Mijo said in my ear, he has a point because they are all going to want her attention. Hitting Mijo’ arm “let’s sit here” I don’t even know if this is supposed to be my table or if I am supposed to be sitting here but I feel like shit, my excitement has left. Sitting down and placing the card and dress on the table, what am I even doing here because clearly I look stupid and I don’t belong so I should leave it alone “you should not be sat here” some deep voiced nigga said as my head looked up in his direction “does it say your name on it?” I don’t even know who this person is so who the hell is he to even talk to me “your table is with Miss Fenty, I was told to find you and you would be around” here is me about to punch him for even talking because the way I am feeling right now.

Walking behind this big ole dude, maybe he is escorting us out but I am still following him anyways “Miss Fenty here?” he said as we got closer to the stage “she will be here soon” Lele’ shouted “you found him?” he stepped to the side “look at you boy! Trying to not stand out and you look like the main event” I couldn’t help but laugh because I am the only one dressed like this, everyone is dressed so smart “Robyn tricked me, she never said this” Lele waved me off “we didn’t know till Jay Brown was like we need to cheer her up so we doing a party, she forgot all about it and then she felt bad about you so I said I would look after you” she is letting this crazy look after me, she is already drunk “ya know that girl just wanted a quiet life today, she is still feeling sad” Robyn finally appeared, holding her black dress up that looked too long for her, showing just a little leg “you forever talking shit” she pushed Lele “we could just go home” Mijo nudged me saying “Chris..” Robyn walked over to me “Happy Birthday babe” I said stepping closer to her but making sure not to step on her dress or that clutch bag will be across my head “thank you” kissing Robyn’ cheek softly and then giving her a little hug with one arm “I’m so happy you came” she said in my ear, I quickly moved back before people started talking “no problem and here” passing the long bag to her “for me?” she cheesed, I nodded biting my bottom lip “ohhhh robz let’s look, this shit better not be tacky Chris” Lele loud ass said, the girls all gathered and now I felt even more nervous. They placed the long bag over the table and unzipped it “oh my god!! This is what I said I wanted at the fashion show you got it for me?” Robyn shouted so loud “you saw everything” she walked back over to me “hell yeah, couldn’t miss it you nearly fainted seeing it” Robyn clapped her hands in excitement “I tried to get this for my birthday but I couldn’t and you got it for me!!” the smile on Robyn’ face made me smile as much as her, just to see her not be sad and actually be happy I love it “here, I got you a card too” she shyly took it from me “thank you” I nodded stepping back with my hands behind my back “you’re sitting with us so don’t go far” looking behind Robyn and seeing her family I better dip “cool” I mouth turning around.

The whole sitting at Robyn’ table flopped, we ended up sitting at the table behind, I’m not angry about it but it just annoyed me because I honestly thought this was going to be just us chilling “we get fed though, free food and drink” least Mijo is happy about something “I should have bought hood he would have been more happy unlike you” pushing my plate away, I don’t need food “you eating that?” Mijo pointed at my plate asking “nah, eat it fatty” smacking his back, the people that is sat with us are some posh designer friends of hers and they were not happy to know I was sat with them. Stretching my arms “yo I’m about to leave anyways” I said to Mijo half yawning, my phone vibrated against my leg inside my pocket.

From: Robyn

To: Chris

You mad with me??

Looking over at her table she was already staring at me, I gave her a faint smile looking back at my phone.

From: Chris

To: Robyn

No well I actually I can’t be mad because it’s your day, you’re smiling so we good.

Sending the message and looking over at her, she did a big oh looking over at me and frowning. She pouted looking back over at her phone.

From: Robyn

To: Chris

Who said it’s a true smile though?

From: Chris

To: Robyn

Me, I’m leaving now so have a good birthday and don’t make me stay because I came and that’s the main thing xx

Hitting Mijo’ arm “get up fatty we leaving” getting up from my seat “damn nigga, can’t even swallow my damn food without you dragging me away” he picked the plate up getting up from his seat, I started laughing “you is so ghetto you finna take the plate?” he nodded with chicken hanging from his mouth, we started walking out and all I could feel is all eyes on me which sucks and this is why I want to leave.

Watching Chris just leave, I didn’t know if to get up and stop him or just watch him leave because like he said he came but I don’t want him to go “Robz your cake about to come out” my mom nudged me taking my attention away from watching Chris leave “ohh” was the only thing that could escape my lips, I quickly sent him a text back.

To: Chris

From: Robyn

Stay for some cake at least?

Pressing send without even thinking “stay for some cake?” I mouthed to myself, now why would that make him stay. Why am I such a mess, I ended up laughing to myself like some crazy bitch “come on Robz” putting my phone in my clutch and getting up from my seat as Jay Z and Jay Brown came out with my cake on the stage, Jay Z had his cigar between his lip. I couldn’t help but smile as I made my way up, the crowd gathered singing happy birthday to me, I started hiding my face giggling with all eyes on me. The light is blinding me from the crowd “make a wish Rih!!!” Jay shouted as everyone waited for me to blow the candles out, gathering my hair in a bundle and placing it at the side of my shoulder and leaning forward to blow the candles out. Making a wish quickly before blowing them out of course, everyone cheered and clapped “Happy Birthday!” Jay Z hugged me “thank you so much” looking back over at the crowd and there I see Chris clapping in the crowd, he came back for me which made me smile even more and he knew it as he smiled back at me.

I made Lee go over to Chris and give them cake, I have been waiting for her to come back but the bitch is taking her damn time. I know Chris probably hates me for just keeping the distance between us but there is too many people that would not like it if anything was to happen between us after everything that has happened. We both left each other being bitter even after we got back together which really messed us up and the people around us, I promised to never fuck with him again because emotionally it drained me and put me in a place where I don’t like being but I guess we can’t pick and choose who we fall in love with. I honestly thought I would have been married with a child and it does get to me because I have everything but that, failed relationships that is all I got to show for. But still I plaster a smile being happy for others and maybe just maybe it might be my time, maybe Chris has changed but I will never let him come back into my life so easily because he is good at getting to me with his words but I feel he is taking it easy this time.

I had to supress my laugh when I saw Lee “I hate your nigga” she spat grabbing a whole bunch of napkins, she had cake all over her face “that yellow nigga ate a piece and was like yo lee” she started mimicking him “yo lee here have some cake and hit it in my damn fucking face, fuck him!!” I screamed out laughing “you know I lost my damn heels chasing him but I ain’t know where he at now cause he ran off and then his big build friend took my heels” they are both something else, shaking my head laughing I know he would have rather have done that to me “what happened?” Melissa asked, Lee was so over it and just walked off “just don’t ask” walking back over to my clutch but of course I kept getting stopped by people wanting to talk to me and take pictures but I couldn’t be rude and not stop for them.

Finally looking at my phone Chris had texted me over an hour ago “shit” I said to myself.

From: Chris

To: Robyn

What did you wish for?

I smiled to myself replying back.

To: Chris

From: Robyn

For some dick!!!

Sticking my tongue out laughing to myself “what’s funny” I froze at the sound of his voice being so close to me, I swore he would have been gone now, I turned my head with his face just an inch of mine “errrm just myself” I think he has been taking these free drinks to the head “you stayed?” stepping back a little “why wouldn’t I? You said you wanted me to stay and then I realised that…” he stopped talking like he was thinking “that I know some people that I actually like here and then your nigga Jay Brown came up to me and was like perform for us, I was like nigga I don’t do free shows” I blinked several times just trying to understand him, I barely understand him sometimes but he is just making it worse with every slur of word, where the hell is Mijo because Chris is just everywhere and is about to get under people’ skin and I care for him too much for anything to pop off “you know me Robbie I would do it for you but I don’t have to just because they demand it but I will sing happy birthday to you now?” placing my hand over his mouth “don’t it’s okay” looking around, I felt my hand get wet as he continued to lick my hand “Chris!!” hitting his arm and wiping my hand down “ayeeee Lee, let’s dance” out of nowhere he grabbed Lele and just my luck that they would put my song on as Pour It Up played, they both left me pouting and frowning at my own party.

I did end up dancing for a while but that was because I was forced too and the funniest thing happened as I was there on the dancefloor, Chris’ creepy ass came out of nowhere gyrating against me and obviously I wasn’t going to stop or back down so I threw it back on him but I had to stop because people stopped to watch and we was the only ones dancing. I need to thank Lee how she got him away without looking like I pushed him away, she made it out like she wanted to dance with him as I moved away so that is why I am sitting my ass down now “Robz why did you invite him?” my mom soon asked that question, she has been dying to ask for a while “we are just friends now, so that is why” my mom actually laughed at me “both single I see, Lee been telling me Robz. Both single. You both have not settle down so I will leave it to god but I see what is coming” here goes my mom being psychic again, she is so typical and is just upset that I have not gave her grandbabies.

“I am done Rih, I can’t do it he is making me work too much” Lee sat down out of breath “look I have done my part and looked after him but he is making me work” looking at the dancefloor watching Chris take another drink from the waiter, he rarely gets drunk unless he is needing courage to get over today “find Mijo for me” hitting her leg for her to move because I knew he is about to come over here “just get up and find him” Lee got up in a huff and just like clockwork Chris sat down “give me that” getting the glass from him, he smiled at me and sat up straight as he was slouched a little “you happy?” I nodded just looking at him “I enjoyed seeing you here, I’m happy you stayed. The dance was nice” Chris started laughing, not sure at himself or me “I lost my glasses Rob” he placed his hand on my knee, I didn’t move his hand or move my eyes away from his because it’s been a while since he actually has let me stare into his eyes “I hope you get your real wish” he’s actually speaking sense “not the dick, not the dick from anyone anyway. What is your real wish?” I swear his hand is moving because they’re getting closer up to my thigh “just to be happy and have a family” he hung his head down and then looked back up, his eyelids look heavy “I can donate my sperm if you don’t want to have sex with me” he didn’t even flinch or laugh he is being deadly serious as I ended up in a fit of laughter “what’s funny shawty?” even he broke into a smile as I couldn’t stop myself from laughing “I don’t mind being your secret sperm donor” I had to calm myself down, tears were foaming and I did not want my make-up ruined “you’re a fool Chris, what if I don’t want you as the baby daddy?” he looked away and then back at me “you have a point, even I wouldn’t want me as a father either” he sat back moving his hand from my thigh “fix your face!” he is all sad trying to make me feel bad now.

Lee walked back but with no Mijo “Chris where ya friend?” Lee asked, she looks terrible right now but I won’t tell her “home, he left and I stayed. He had to get home to his wife, like all my friends” he got up from the seat “have a good night ma’am” he stroked my cheek “okay I’m going home, bye y’all” he walked off, not sure if I did actually make him sad or not “Robz he is way over the limit and you’re letting him drive home” why is Lee telling me like I’m his mother he is not that stupid to just drive like that, I didn’t say anything I just sat and watched people have a good time. “Fuck” I got up from my seat, now that thought of him just getting into an accident has seeped into my mind, rushing out of the marquee “Rorrey where did Chris go?” my brother didn’t say a word he just pointed at the back of Chris just stood waiting for his car more than likely, I am actually wrong his dumb ass would. Picking up my dress and running a little towards him “Chris!” I shouted as his Lamborghini parked in front of him, he turned his head slowly “who’s driving you?” the guy passed him his key “me” he pointed at himself, he looks so confused right now “Chris really? You can’t drive, keep the car here and tell someone to pick you up” snatching his keys from him “Rorrey! Call my driver and tell him to come now!!” I shouted at my brother not bothering to look behind me because I know he’ll do it “okay!” he shouted back at me, Chris didn’t look happy but he is the one that wants to drive drunk and is trying to act normal “can you park his car in my garage” passing the keys back to the guy doing the Valet.

I stood outside waiting with Chris but he was so silent with me, maybe still upset that I said that I wouldn’t want him as the baby daddy “it’s yo party, go back inside before they say I ruined it by keeping you here” he started walking back but he ended up falling over his own feet and hit the ground “Jesus” walking over to him “give me your hand” he looked mad at himself, he got my hand and I pulled him up, people were staring as they were leaving “thank you for coming” I smiled at them “you’re cold” he said rubbing his back “I just want to know you’re getting home okay, I’m mad you would have thought to drive when you’re clearly drunk” Chris started taking his letterman jacket off, I rolled my eyes crossing my arms just watching him fight with himself to take it off. He finally got it off “here Robbie” I have no idea where he got that name from, since when was I Robbie to him. He placed his jacket over my shoulders “if it makes you feel better Chris” he pulled me closer to him using his jacket collars “you look so beautiful right now, I mean you have always been beautiful even when you take the make-up off but I just think you’re honestly god’s gift. I just want to tell you I’m not mad Robbie, I ain’t mad at you and I want you to have babies and get married because you want it and I will come to the wedding, I promise I’ll be good” I swear he is off his head, shaking my head laughing “you deserve happiness and maybe that is not with me, I would want that but I don’t think it will happen” still shaking my head looking down “stop being an emotional drunk Chris” my face dropped looking at his face “are you crying?” I blurted out a little too loud “oh my god, don’t do that” pulling his snapback down and wiping anything that fell, Chris had a tight grip on his jacket so I couldn’t exactly move back “thank you for coming!” I smiled at the guests “he is just drunk” I had to let them know because I shouted crying too damn loud “Chris what’s wrong?” it must be the drink talking “I mean it, I’ll be here as a friend” he continued talking, lifting his snapback up “just please stop talking” he is upsetting me and himself with his drunk self.

My driver finally did come and I am so happy he is, just to get him in that car and out of here, not because I hate him but he needs to sleep it off “please make sure he gets in the house ok? I mean inside not outside” my driver helped me put Chris into the back of the car “I will do” Chris crawled on the back seats “are you okay? My driver will take you home” Chris got comfy in the back and then looked over at me “I feel sick” he put his hand over his mouth, shaking my head at him “you’re terrible when you’re drunk” waving him off “I’m sure I will get the bill if you decide to ruin my driver’ car” shutting the back door and walking back towards the party, I have so much to think about after today.

My night turned into looking after Chris which I didn’t mind but I’m sure there will be so many stories on the blogs, I will have to mentally prepare myself to deny everything “you got his jacket on” Rorrey pointed out “ohh” looking down at myself, I totally felt comfortable like this “I’ll make sure he gets it back” I said touching his jacket, it smells like him too. Rorrey squinted his eyes “I guess I will be seeing him sooner than I think” I gave him questioning look “why would you?” Rorrey tilted his head “I watched everything, you got his car in the garage and now his jacket and you stayed with him making sure he crawled into the car just right. Rubbing his back because he was feeling not good, I saw it all like everyone else did. You might be lucky nothing gets leaked because pictures were banned at the party” I couldn’t even say anything to Rorrey because I did do all of that but I did it out of the kindness of my heart “look I have known him for too damn long to just leave him to cause himself harm, I am looking out for him as a friend so just don’t think anything of it” flicking my hair as I walked back into the marquee, I have probably missed a lot of my party because of him.