because i can see this being relevant to my imaginary friend

On trauma aftermaths that don't advance the plot

The way TV shows trauma can lead people to expect every reference to trauma to be a plot point. This can be isolating to people coping with the aftermaths of trauma. Sometimes people treat us as stories rather than as people. Sometimes, instead of listening to us, they put a lot of pressure on us to advance the plot they’re expecting.

On TV, triggers tend to be full audiovisual flashbacks that add something to the story. You see a vivid window into the character’s past, and something changes. On TV, trauma aftermaths are usually fascinating. Real life trauma aftermaths are sometimes interesting, but also tend to be very boring to live with.

On TV, triggers tend to create insight. In real life, they’re often boring intrusions interfering with the things you’d rather be thinking about. Sometimes knowing darn well where they come from doesn’t make them go away. Sometimes it’s more like: Seriously? This again?

On TV, when trauma is mentioned, it’s usually a dramatic plot point that happens in a moment. In real life, trauma aftermaths are a mundane day-to-day reality that people live with. They’re a fact of life — and not necessarily the most important one at all times. People who have experienced trauma do other things too. They’re important, but not the one and only defining characteristic of who someone is. And things that happened stay important even when you’re ok. Recovery is not a reset. Mentioning the past doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in crisis.

On TV, when a character mentions trauma, or gets triggered in front of someone, it’s usually a dramatic moment. It changes their life, or their relationship with another character, or explains their backstory, or something. In real life, being triggered isn’t always a story, and telling isn’t always a turning point. Sometimes it’s just mentioning something that happened to be relevant. Sometimes it’s just a mundane instance of something that happens from time to time.

Most people can’t have a dramatic transformative experience every time it turns out that their trauma matters. Transformative experiences and moments of revelation exist, but they’re not the end all and be all of trauma aftermaths. Life goes on, and other things matter too. And understanding what a reaction means and where it came from doesn’t always make it go away. Sometimes, it takes longer and has more to do with skill-building than introspection. Sometimes it doesn’t go away.

On a day to day level, it’s often better to be matter-of-fact about aftermaths. It can be exhausting when people see you as a story and expect you to advance the plot whenever they notice some effect of trauma. Pressure to perform narratives about healing doesn’t often help people to make their lives better. Effect support involves respecting someone as a complex human, including the boring parts.

The aftermath of trauma is a day-to-day reality. It affects a lot of things, large and small. It can be things like being too tired to focus well in class because nightmares kept waking you up every night this week. TV wants that to be a dramatic moment where the character faces their past and gets better. In real life, it’s often a day where you just do your best to try and learn algebra anyway. Because survivors do things besides be traumatized and think about trauma. Sometimes it’s not a story. Sometimes it’s just getting through another day as well as possible.

A lot of triggers are things like being unable to concentrate on anything interesting because some kinds of background noises make you feel too unsafe to pay attention to anything else. For the zillionth time.  Even though you know rationally that they’re not dangerous. Even though you know where they come from, and have processed it over and over. Even if you’ve made a lot of progress in dealing with them, even if they’re no longer bothersome all the time. For most people, recovery involves a lot more than insight. The backstory might be interesting, but being tired and unable to concentrate is boring.

Triggers can also mean having to leave an event and walk home by yourself while other people are having fun, because it turns out that it hurts too much to be around pies and cakes. Or having trouble finding anything interesting to read that isn’t intolerably triggering. Or having trouble interacting with new people because you’re too scared or there are too many minefields. Or being so hypervigilant that it’s hard to focus on anything. No matter how interesting the backstory is, feeling disconnected and missing out on things you wanted to enjoy is usually boring.

When others want to see your trauma as a story, their expectations sometimes expand to fill all available space. Sometimes they seem to want everything to be therapy, or want everything to be about trauma and recovery.

When others want every reference to trauma to be the opening to a transformative experience, it can be really hard to talk about accommodations. For instance, it gets hard to say things like:

  • “I’m really tired because of nightmares” or 
  • “I would love to go to that event, but I might need to leave because of the ways in which that kind of thing can be triggering” or 
  • “I’m glad I came, but I can’t handle this right now” or
  • “I’m freaking out now, but I’ll be ok in a few minutes” or 
  • “I need to step out — can you text me when they stop playing this movie?”

It can also be hard to mention relevant experiences. There are a lot of reasons to mention experiences other than wanting to process, eg:

  • “Actually, I have experience dealing with that agency”
  • “That’s not what happens when people go to the police, in my experience, what happens when you need to make a police report is…”
  • “Please keep in mind that this isn’t hypothetical for me, and may not be for others in the room as well.”

Or any number of other things.

When people are expecting a certain kind of story, they sometimes look past the actual person. And when everyone is looking past you in search of a story, it can be very hard to make connections.

It helps to realize that no matter what others think, your story belongs to you. You don’t have to play out other people’s narrative expectations. It’s ok if your story isn’t what others want it to be. It’s ok not to be interesting. It’s ok to have trauma reactions that don’t advance the plot. And there are people who understand that, and even more people who can learn to understand that.

It’s possible to live a good life in the aftermath of trauma. It’s possible to relearn how to be interested in things. It’s possible to build space you can function in, and to build up your ability to function in more spaces. It’s often possible to get over triggers. All of this can take a lot of time and work, and can be a slow process. It doesn’t always make for a good story, and it doesn’t always play out the way others would like it to. And, it’s your own personal private business. Other people’s concern or curiosity does not obligate you to share details.

Survivors and victims have the right to be boring. We have the right to deal with trauma aftermaths in a matter-of-fact way, without indulging other people’s desires for plot twists. We have the right to own our own stories, and to keep things private. We have the right to have things in our lives that are not therapy; we have the right to needed accommodations without detailing what happened and what recovery looks like. Neither traumatic experiences nor trauma aftermaths erase our humanity.

We are not stories, and we have no obligation to advance an expected plot. We are people, and we have the right to be treated as people. Our lives, and our stories, are our own.

They told us Eurus, Redbeard, and Sherlock were all the same person in TAB

Do you remember the part where Sherlock drags his friends to Ricoletti’s grave and we think it’s real, but it’s actually mind palace?

The grave stone says “Emelia Ricoletti, Beloved Sister”

Sherlock jumps in and starts panting like a dog. He shovels dirt with his hands, digging like a hound with paws.

Sherlock is all three people.

“My husband is three people”

The Final Problem makes sense only in subtext. Whether you think it’s John’s MP or Sherlock’s MP, that’s still up for debate. I’m officially siding with Sherlock’s because there are flashbacks to the waterfall scene from TAB in TFP, which means both of those episodes must have been experienced by the same character, and I don’t think it was John for both.

Sherlock DID have a friend named Victor Trevor, but his death happened much later in Sherlock’s life. Because of that Sherlock took to hard drugs as a young adult, not as a child. There are two separate deaths he combined together to create TFP.

Redbeard was an imaginary friend. Sherlock didn’t have friends, we know this. He wanted to be a pirate – Mycroft remembers and misses that carefree child.

So what changed Sherlock’s mind? Why did the cold, logical, calculating machine take over and get rid of Sherlock’s imaginary friend?

Mycroft. He kept calling Sherlock “a stupid little boy”, saying “you always were so stupid”. Sherlock even says Mycroft thought he was an idiot. Sherlock stopped being “stupid” and tried to emulate his big brother – the only person in his life that would tolerate him. He tried solving the Carl Powers case and boom! Sherlock Holmes the little detective was born. This is why Mycroft brought up Redbeard at the wedding – “Hey, don’t get involved, remember when you had to resort to imaginary friends like a pathetic little child?” makes a lot more sense than “Hey, don’t get involved, remember your dead friend Victor who disappeared because our secret sister killed him?”.

Eurus represents the crushing logic that destroys everything Sherlock loves.

Because it’s happened before. Twice we’ve seen Sherlock’s mind explain how Victor died, we just didn’t know it.

Keep reading

Jake English fucking loves booty shorts, guys. Also: Dirk Strider.

I really could not believe it when I heard some people say Jake wears booty shorts because Dirk is a Predatory Gay and made him do so, but here we are. In any case, it took me forever to realize this, so it’s worth pointing out.

Jake uses his clothes to express his inclinations more than maybe any other one of the kids. Jake himself foreshadows his future inclination towards gear that shows off his ass…ets:

Frankly, I don’t think much else needs to be said there? There’s a canonical reason Jake dresses the way he dresses, and that reason is that Jake likes tomb raiders and sexy-looking action heroines, and he wants to be a sexy action hero and look sexy doing it. That’s really all there is to it.

…Or it would be, except that unlike Jake’s relationship with fighting, Jake actually experiences struggles and complications relating to looking sexy, and becomes insecure and vulnerable due to the way people treat him as a sex object.

It’s no surprise this happens. Jake has a list of sexual/romantic voyeurs and aggressors, and his discomfort and trauma in this area is an integral part of his character. 

Early on, Obviously, there’s the AR, who’s lasciviousness is so well-documented I don’t think it’s worth repeating here. 

But Dirk breaks it down nicely for us. Dirk himself makes no appearance on this list, seeing as he had no control over the AR and never even remotely speaks to Jake that way when they talk to each other.

Brobot is often accused of being a sexual aggressor as well. This belief is based on two quotes from the story:

This one, from AR. The thing is, AR is known for being pretty hyperbolic and overly sexual about pretty much all situations–kind of like a 13 year kid would be, you know? 

What Jake himself says about the Brobot’s actions is much more indicative of the nature of the Brobot’s actions. Specifically:

Jake describes the Brobot as tender. And Tender is a specific word with specific, almost memetic meaning in Homestuck:

A meaning that only a juvenile teenager LIKE the Auto-Responder would consider sexual. Or at least, someone similarly trapped in immaturity.


Yeah. I know fanon is really pervasive about this idea that the Brobot was on the list of sexual aggressors, but the only real implication the canon itself makes is that it was doing tame proposals and handholds like this. That’s what Jake is referring to. It becomes problematic for him, but only because of the AR’s taunting and the fact that he and Dirk can’t figure out how to talk about it. 

Brain Ghost Dirk makes some comments to this effect, however–likely reflecting the way the AR has messed with Jake’s head and successfully made him conflate the way the AR sees him and the way Dirk sees him. Even after the AR stops being an active presence in Jake’s life, it still makes its impact known through BGD’s characterization. 

We also have no reason to believe Dirk even knows Brain Ghost Dirk exists, let alone has any active say in what he says or how he acts, either. BGD is, after all, predominantly Jake’s brain–and thus a reflection of, at best, how he THINKS Dirk sees him. 

Note how even though Jake fully expects Brain Ghost Dirk to make lascivious and leery comments to him, he never expects Brain Ghost Dirk to try to touch him in a way he doesn’t want to be touched. On top of that, In fact, Jake makes a point of noting that Dirk is more conscientious towards him than either the AR or Brain Ghost Dirk:

And then, of course Jane literally threatens Jake with sexual slavery (while corrupted by an evil supercomputer):

So yeah, Jake is pretty uncomfortable with being seen as sexy by the time Aranea gets to him. It wouldn’t be unreasonable if the idea of being seen as sexy–or even just wearing short shorts–was ruined for him completely.

It wouldn’t even be unreasonable if his image of Dirk was tarnished, even though Dirk wasn’t really responsible for what was happening any more than he was. 

But different people respond to trauma differently. And once Aranea objectifies him completely and renders him a tool–literally lightning him up and making it so ALL EYES are on him right when Jake feels most exposed and vulnerable, Jake responds in a pretty peculiar way.

With his Hope powers unlocked, Jake could theoretically do anything. Send hordes of angels to attack, make himself invisible, bring Grandma back from the dead…given what Jake actually ends up doing, it doesn’t make much sense to imagine arbitrary limits on his power. Because what Jake does when he needs to feel safe is make his imaginary friend real.


Again: Making something fake real is, by definition, pretty much the hardest thing to do–both in real life, and to convey compellingly narratively. 

Even Jake teleporting his grandma from the past and reviving her to come protect him would be more reasonable a storytelling move than Jake being able to create matter and a personality out of thin air. You would only need Time and Space powers to theoretically pull of that absurd feat, so it would technically be possible to accomplish.

Making your imaginary friend real, though? That’s completely impossible for everyone, everywhere. Except for Jake English. 

But Jake English can do anything, which means what we actually does reflects not only what he wants, but what he wants MORE than anything else possible to him. 

And what he wants is Dirk Strider, coming to his rescue and keeping him safe from his latest aggressor. Kinda like Brobot always protected Jake from feeling unsafe when he was threatened:

Brain Ghost Dirk even calls himself Jake’s boyfriend, and this is after Dirk broke up with him and he worried about not being able to love anyone:

And right before Dirk breaks them off, while Jake is in trickster form and completely uninhibited, he confesses feelings to Dirk and makes a point to note he was willing to be romantically involved with him:

And luckily, as for his relationship with his shorts, Jake had a good pal give him some advice and boost his self-confidence:

And over the course of [S] Credits, Jake apparently patches things up enough with Dirk that they’re living together and can comfortably fight for fun like he always wanted. On top of that, he’s recovered his confidence in his image enough that he can act out the sexy superhero fantasy he loved so much:

Both his relationship with Dirk and his relationship with his body are sorted out, and Jake’s now happy and comfortable with himself. How it happened, exactly? Who knows–there’s as many different ways it could’ve gone down as you can imagine. But the fact is, it did. And it was laid out this way from the beginning. 

What’s the exact nature of Dirk and Jake’s arrangement? Not really relevant. What we know is that they’re living together, that Jake was always willing to have a relationship with him and that never stopped being a thing, and that Jake trusts Dirk with his safety over literally anything else.

What we know is that they’re best friends and mutually romantically interested in each other, whether or not they decide to pursue that. 

We also know Jake always liked dressing sexy so long as he was safe and didn’t have to worry about people dehumanizing him. And in this new world, he can do that as much as he wants, too:

Anyway Jake English is the best character in Homestuck and he’s happy with his boyfriend Dirk canonically, and he’s also happy and comfortable with his body while doing it because that was never the issue when he was with Dirk.

Tomorrow I should be following this up with one last Jake post–this one talking about how Jake is way way smarter than everyone thinks he is. You know. Except for Dirk, who explicitly knows Jake is smart. 

After that, we can move on to Roxy. If you’re interested in my writing, I’m also working on a youtube series aiming to make Homestuck understandable to a broad audience you can find here. Next episode should be dropping before the end of the weekend. 

See you again soon. Keep Rising. 

Zutara Week 2017: Confessions of a Teenage Sugar Queen

The title is a throwback to a movie I liked when I was in high school, so that is the voice I’ve chosen for this AU. (Not Lindsay Lohan’s from the movie, just me trying to channel my inner teenage Katara…)

All of my @zutaraweek submissions will be part of one continuous story. Get ready for some slow-burn Zutara angst starting with Day One: Fire Lady.


“I can’t wait until summer!” A blur of orange brushes past me in the school hallway. “I’m gonna go hang gliding and kite surfing and eat ice cream for breakfast and donuts for lunch!”

That would be Aang. He lives with his head in the clouds on most days.

“Let me guess. Cream puffs for dinner, Twinkletoes?”

Toph is pretty solid for a freshman. She keeps Aang grounded when he starts to get too flighty. I like hanging out with them, but sometimes their immaturity annoys me. I can tell this is one of those moments. No one can eat dessert all day. Talk about a serious sugar crash.

“What about you, Sugar Queen?” Toph asks.

I don’t know why she calls me that. OK, maybe I suggested once that I could survive solely on fudgsicles and moon pies, but that was only after that bad breakup with Jet. Toph elbows me hard in the ribs, her usual gesture for getting my attention.

“Oww! I have plans this summer, alright? I can’t just goof off. I’m going to get a job and do something that matters for my future!” I hate how haughty that sounds, but I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. I hurry past them before I say anything I might regret.

“Geez, what’s with her?” Toph mutters. Aang sighs airily in response.

They just don’t get it.

Keep reading

About May 4th, 1970

Hi y'all, I thought since I’ve mentioned May 4th, I would make a post with a bit more information for you.

I have been a student at Kent State for two years now, and for my first year, I worked at the May 4th Visitor’s Center. I’ve talked to professors that were there, my parents who grew up in Ohio, survivors, and endless amounts of people on tour through the museum and memorial. Some people come with just a curiosity to understand what happened, others come to confront a horrible day in their memory…most are just kids being forced to go to the center for a diversity requirement for a class. Regardless, May 4th is a watershed moment and day for not only Kent State or Ohio or even the United States, but for the world in general. On that day, and the days following at Jackson State, we found the real cost of freedom – human lives.

I’m not here to give you an entire history lesson. In fact, it’s pretty straightforward how this came to be. On April 30th, President Nixon announced the expansion of the war in Vietnam across country borders into Cambodia. Most people who were a part of the anti-war movement saw this as an escalation and expansion of a conflict that was already wasting too many lives. The anti-war movement was spearheaded by young, college-aged students, and often flourished on campuses across the nation. Most kids, after all, had gone to college to avoid the draft. Those unlucky enough to afford college (especially POC), were instead drafted. If they managed to come back from Vietnam, which was honestly unlikely, they were filled with rage and anger and PTSD from what they had seen and done. College students were seeing their friends, at ages 18-25 come back from a foreign country disabled, scared, angry, and addicted. They saw friends commit suicide, fall into drinking and drug habits, and have their lives destroyed before they even started.

So, in response and following a few incidents (including the burning of the campus ROTC building – which i don’t condone. As a ROTC cadet, I can tell you that it isn’t the military’s fault. It’s the government’s.), the planned peaceful protest on May 4th was disbanded, and the National Guard, which had been on campus for several days, was told to disperse the crowd. When the gathered students did not disperse, the Ohio National Guard opened fire, killing four students and injuring nine, one suffering from permanent paralysis.
It’s still contested if the order to fire was ever given. Some say yes, others say no, others say that the sound of a rock hitting pavement sounded like a gunshot, so the ONG responded. But that isn’t what is important. What is important is that young adults just barely on their own and just starting their educations were killed, two of which weren’t even protesting – they were just walking to class.

And what’s more important for us so many years later is the impact the Kent Four had on our nation and how Kent State continues to shape dissent culture. Kent State spurred colleges across the nation, from Jackson State to Washington, to take action. To tell our government that kids will not die overseas and at home. It was a beautifully tragic moment in which American youth reared with their ugly, awesome power and finally pushed back, and for once, they were heard. While not at first or not as fast as wanted, the tragedy of May 4th is ultimately the turning point when it comes to American public opinion on the war in Vietnam. I guess people didn’t like it when the war was brought to our doorsteps.

As for today, if you don’t live in Kent, or haven’t attended Kent, it’s hard to understand how important this day is, and I understand that. I live in Johnson Hall, which overlooks the hill the ONG marched up. If I look out the window from where I’m currently sitting, I can see the pagoda where Allison Krause stood mere minutes before her death. I can see where the ONG knelt and took aim at the students in the parking lot. If I want to go to the Student Center, or my classes, I have to walk through the parking lot, and see the four eerie, roped off squares of ashphalt, sitting there like tombs for a war I never knew. I can point out exactly where Jimmy Miller’s brain was found, I can show you where a bullet struck a sculpture, I can walk you over the same path the National Guard took.

But more than that, I can tell you that Kent State changed American culture irreversibly. Perhaps without Kent State, the war in Vietnam would have lasted longer, or still be going on. Our grandparents and parents that were born during or after the war might not have lived through it. In our museum actually there’s a great display showing, based on birthdays, who would have been drafted. My entire family would have gone. Or maybe, without Kent State, we would have used the draft again in the War on Terror, or the Gulf War, or even some other future, imaginary war. Or, without Kent State, we would think it’s okay to use fatal military force against protesters, or we’d think it’s okay to park a tank in front of a university library.

One of my professors last year, Chris, was six feet from Allison Krause when she fell. The only reason she wasn’t shot was because she was washing tear gas out of her eyes. My flute teacher’s husband was working in Taylor Hall and heard the crack of rifle fire outside his office window. A man I gave a tour to was frantically searching for his girlfriend in the parking lot when the ONG crested the hill. My dad’s old boss was a soldier in the National Guard, stationed on campus.

In a day and age where GOP officials have called for “another Kent State” to deal with dissent, May 4th is more and more relevant to understanding our rights as human beings to protest, to fight for peace, and to be free and safe while doing so. I pray another Kent State will never happen, because no one deserves to die to prove a point. And honestly, Kent State left such a bad taste that never again will college students fear violent intervention. Sometimes, our lessons are forgotten, but never again will a student or anyone else die for believing that flowers are better than bullets.

Remember the Kent Four, and more importantly, remember what they gave you – freedom, at the cost of their lives.

A long post on why I’m not nonbinary just because I want to “escape being treated like a woman”

I resent and find deeply offensive the assumption, popular among terfs (but also held by other people) that nonbinary afabs are only nb because we don’t want to be treated like women and we don’t want to suffer the way women do. That we’re only identifying out of womanhood as some kind of lame-o, selfish gotcha move to escape sexism and misogyny. A pretty oft-cited quote describes this as slipping out of the oppressive cage that women are placed in, leaving the rest of womankind behind. 

Sometimes, this is combined with the secondary assumption that nonbinary afab people don’t identify with women or with womanhood because we have internalized misogyny that we haven’t worked our way through. Under this reading, we don’t see ourselves as women because we think womanhood is a terrible thing, or we lack a broad enough understanding of what womanhood can be. These three assumptions often go together, and thus people assume that nonbinary afabs are just delusional, self-hating women who hate themselves and don’t see the relevance feminism has to their own lives. 

This reading of what nonbinary-ness is presumes that we are ill-informed and not at all reflective on our identities and our place in the world. It also supposes that nonbinaryness is some identity we latched onto as an escape hatch from womanhood as soon as the opportunity presented itself, but only because we happened to encounter the terminology online. Latent in this understanding of nonbinary-ness is that we never would have arrived at this understanding of our gender if we hadn’t read about nonbinary identities online, and that prior to learning about nonbinary identities, we had never thought of ourselves as distinctly nonfemale or nonmale. 

I have a lot of things to say to people who think that’s what being nonbinary is about. First of all, uh duh, yes, of course I have considered the possibility that I am using nonbinaryness as a last ditch effort to escape misogyny. I have entertained the possibility that I was working under a reductive, limiting idea of what womanhood is. I have asked myself if I felt like not-a-woman for woman-hating reasons. 

These possibilities are not new to me, or probably to any of us. I have processed them and grappled with them and let them stifle my self-expression for years, actually.  That logic has been used to shut me up and quiet me down about my identity since I first started talking about not being a woman or not feeling like a woman, and it’s come from women, men, straight people, gay people, feminists, and anti-feminists. It’s not a new, unthinkable, unspeakable latent idea that unlocks the door to my whole fraught, nonbinary gender identity. I’ve considered all those possibilities for as long as I’ve known I was nb, which was a long time, actually. 

I told people I wasn’t a girl or a woman years before I knew what nonbinary gender identities were, and long before I had even learned to fully acknowledge the pervasive sexism that I radfems believe I invented my gender ID to escape. I remember no ties to my gender assignment from a young age, and never understanding gender segregation in school or in play dates and sleepovers. I’m not talking about frustration with sexism or gender-based exclusion here. I wasn’t opting out of a “girl” identity as a child to try and grant myself all the privileges of a boy. I just didn’t understand or feel right about being grouped in with girls and included in girl-only activities. I could imagine myself being included in the boy activities with equal ease. But most importantly, I didn’t want there to be a divide at all. I didn’t want anyone to be cleaved off from half of reality for no reason like that. 

I always felt uncomfortable when my friends tried to put make-up on me or do my hair, but I didn’t feel like I belonged playing sports or doing most of the things that boys did, either. I enjoyed play-acting and pretending to be characters and spinning out elaborate pretend scenarios with the neighborhood kids. In the imaginary worlds my friends and I created, I was a swashbuckler with a moustache, and a princess with ice powers, and a horse that could breathe fire, and a genderless demon, and Meowth from Pokemon, and Link from Legend of Zelda, and a massive fruit bat darting the sky. 

Gender didn’t matter. It wasn’t even on the radar for me. When my third-grade “boyfriend” tried to protect me (the all powerful ice elf) from the attacking horde of fire demons, I was offended and stopped the game to get into an elaborate discussion about the ethics of prioritizing my safety over the safety of all the other people on our “team” (who happened to be boys). When I was excluded from a game or treated more delicately because I was a girl, I stabbed people in the leg with pencils or snarled or, on better days, initiated pained diplomatic discussions.

But I didn’t see myself as separate from girls because I hated girldom or the oppression that comes with girldom. My best friends were girls. We held seances and summoned demons and held “town meetings” in garages and rode around the neighborhood pretending our bikes were horses and that we were cowboys. Until one of them interrupted to say no, cowgirls. And I’d say cowboy because it felt more neutral. I didn’t see girlhood as lesser than boyhood, and I didn’t feel any need to distance myself from it. It’s just that when the time came to talk about boys we had crushes on and do makeup and crimp our hair and imitate what we thought ideal womanhood was, I had zero interest, and hated being dragged in, and sucked at it. 

In middle school this was more pronounced than ever. I could no longer perform girlhood in a suitable enough way to keep the friends I had. I didn’t dress right, I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t want boys’ attention, I was too weird. They weren’t cruel, just exclusionary. The friends who embraced me were scrappy, funny, messy girls (and a few boys) who liked to scream and pull pranks and tell jokes and leave strange anonymous letters in unfamiliar mailboxes. They dressed simply and mostly didn’t wear makeup or date or do stereotypically girl things and they appreciated my humor and strange perspective. 

Most of them still identify as women. They certainly did at the time. I knew girlhood was not the problem. I knew it wasn’t a bad or limiting thing. I still did not feel like a woman and still saw myself as a person, a generic, genderless person. I didn’t think about growing up into womanhood or what kind of woman I wanted to be, though many of my friends did. And their ideas of adult womanhood were pretty diverse. I knew there were many ways to be a woman. I still wasn’t one.

By high school, I knew I wasn’t completely het and cis though I had trouble pinning down my identity. For the first year or two I was vague. My style was a mess, I dated but didn’t know what I wanted, a few boys tried to make advances and I shut them down overzealously, defensively, with anger they didn’t deserve. LGBT rights were beginning to receive a lot of media and social attention (it was the early aughts) and I knew, intuitively, without a thought, that I supported gay rights and that I saw no reason for lesbian, gay, or bi people to be excluded or treated any differently from straight people. I had trouble understanding why some people saw a qualitative difference.

I was the vice president of my school’s GSA. The president and I organized a lot of events and ran weekly meetings and fought with the school’s administration for protections and the right to wear shirts or buttons that acknowledge LGBT identities (and other things that seem petty in retrospect) on a regular basis. I was in a health class that was gender segregated and I sat in the middle of the room, in between the group of girls and the group of boys, and that separation felt right, even as I got ridicule for it. I identified as asexual. I even did a class presentation about it for a sociology class. I told everyone. I knew I felt separate from much of the gendered and sexual world but I didn’t quite know how to place it. 

I wore a lot of business casual and didn’t wear a bra. I started cutting my own hair, and kept it short. I gave another class presentation, this time on childhood toy preferences and gender identity and had the class reflect on which toys we enjoyed as kids and how gender stereotypical we were. Nearly every girl in the class mentioned a favorite doll or playhouse. Many of the boys mentioned toy guns or balls. I noticed, and made the class notice, that those of us who were a little less gender conforming had generally mentioned less gendered toys – video games and plastic wolves and fantasy-themed lego sets. I wasn’t the only person who wasn’t into super gender stereotypic toys. I knew I wasn’t some one of a kind snowflake. When I saw that the other kids who had enjoyed more androgynous toys were also more androgynous teenagers, I felt comfort, and brought it to the attention of everyone in the room. 

I went to college, and I told my best friend that I didn’t identify or see myself as a woman. He told me that didn’t matter, because the world saw me as a woman and treated me as one. Those words had a massive reverberating impact, and they’re of the exact same tenor as the ones that radfems and others say when they tell me (and other nb people) that we are just trying to opt out of our oppression. 

I took those words very seriously back then. And internalized them. I stuffed my identity down for years and whenever I got the feeling that I wasn’t a woman, wasn’t a man, wasn’t any gender, I told myself to shut up, because the world sees me as a woman. I even listed that as my gender on my freaking Myspace profile. “Not a woman, but the world sees me as one”. I pursued feminism with far more ardent interest. I joined my college’s main feminist organization and took part in activism. I fought the sexism of professors, peers, boyfriends, boyfriend’s dads, to the extent that I could at the time. 

But I still didn’t feel like a woman. I wrote a blog post about it, back in 2008, long before I knew much about nb identities. I had a friend who was gender fluid and a friend who was neutrois, but everyone shat on their identities all the time and misunderstood them and misgendered them. I had transmasc and transfeminine friends at the time too, but couldn’t see myself in their desire for bodily change. I didn’t want to be a man any more than I felt like a woman. I noticed I was always able to switch pronouns and switch how I saw people with total ease, when they came out, compared to other people. I wondered why that was. I decided it was because gender didn’t matter that much to me and it was easy to shift how I saw and thought of someone once they told me to do so. 

(My neutrois friend, by the way, was afraid to come out and transition for years because his radfem friends had him convinced it would be a ‘betrayal’ of his feminism and his ‘womanhood’. He confided in me, multiple times, that he wanted to transition but that he felt guilty about it and couldn’t get away with it if he wanted to remain part of that friend group. Eventually he did come out and transition once he’d moved out of that community. He’s now married to a lovely lady and living in Philadelphia, and was one of the first people I came out to about being nb). 

The years went on; I went to graduate school and moved to Chicago, I worked, I dated, I explored. I made a Facebook post thanking my mother for raising me to be a “person, not a girl”.  Then I felt like that was unfair to girls and deleted it. I refused to select a Facebook gender, and was delighted to see that Facebook would refer to me using the pronoun “they”. This was before Facebook had unveiled official nonbinary gender options; it was a backdoor way to get representation, refusing to pick a gender, but it worked, and I loved it.  

I told a few people I dated that I didn’t feel like a woman, and that I didn’t want to ever get pregnant or have kids or fulfill certain gendered roles, and most of them were disgusted with my saying that, until one of them wasn’t. I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped, or tried to stop, trying to change my body into something thinner and more sleek and androgynous. I started refusing to fill out gender options on surveys and forms unless it was absolutely required. 

I made more friends. I escaped an abusive relationship. I graduated. I started working on myself. I wrote and wrote and wrote and read all about gender stuff on here and elsewhere. I saw a play where audience members (who were presumed to be women) were pulled onto the stage and asked questions. I was asked if I compared myself to other women. I said, only the successful ones. Then I was asked if I compared myself to men, and I said, only the successful ones. I couldn’t really understand why women were more competitive with each other than with men, but I knew it was a thing. 

Another group of audience members were pulled onstage and asked when they felt most like women. They said things like while getting manicures, or while drinking fancy cocktails, or when getting condescended to during a work meeting, or during sex. On the walk home from the theater my boyfriend asked me what I would have said to answer that question. I said I never really felt much like a woman. 

A few more years rolled on. I knew by then what nonbinary identities were and what I was but I felt like it was silly to share. I thought I didn’t count. I thought people would never take it seriously. But gender kept coming up organically. I found myself defending and explaining they/them pronouns to everyone who misunderstood the practice or mocked it. I noticed that whenever someone was misgendered it made my blood boil, but when someone totally failed to understand nonbinary people and their pronouns, I was particularly saddened, threatened, and incensed. I identified with nonbinary people. But I knew they probably didn’t see themselves in me. I was sure that even to them I looked like a cis woman. 

I still felt like my situation was different. That it didn’t warrant being out. I looked  like a woman. I was still treated like a woman. I also had all the advantages that cis people have. But I couldn’t keep myself from writing about it. I write about all my baggage. So i wrote about it. I got questions about it. I was asked what pronouns I wanted people to use. I told the truth. A few people started using “they/them” for me and it felt right. “Her” and “she” had always felt weird, even when I was a kid. Not bad, just uncanny. I always felt weird that people would say “she” or “her” and mean me. “They” felt more natural, even if some people struggled with the basic, simple grammar of it. 

I kept writing. A few people reached out to me and told me they really identified with what I said. I felt less like a fraud. I saw a few more plays and live lit performances by nonbinary people. I watched a lot of Youtube videos. I read material critical of nb identities too. All the critiques were the same, condescending admonishments I’d heard all my life. I was in the gutter with women, why act like I wasn’t? Maybe I just didn’t understand how broad a category “woman” can be? Maybe I just still deep-down believe that being a “woman” is bad! I’m at war with my body or own lot in life, that’s what it’s about, it’s not a real identity. 

I know I get treated the way women are treated. I know how broad the category of “woman” can be. I don’t think being a woman is bad. I don’t want to escape the bars of the “woman” cage and leave all the other women inside. I’m not at war with my body or my lot in life. It is a real identity. 

How dare anyone think that they’ve thought about my identity more than me? How dare somebody try to undermine me more than I’ve undermined myself in the last 28 years? I’ve kinda got the self-doubt thing covered, okay. Oh, you think you have some super challenging critique of how I see myself that uncovers secret, repressed woman-hating reasons for why I think I’m not a woman? Oh really? Do you really think I haven’t heard that shit before? Do you really think I haven’t grappled with it? 

I’m done having my identity minced and undermined by people who aren’t experts on it. I’m the expert on who I am. Me. And I know what the inside of my head is like, and what inhabiting my life has been like. I’ve been doing it for kind of a while now. I know why I’ve loudly (sometimes obnoxiously) embraced a nonbinary gender identity of late. It’s not to escape the plight of sexism, it’s not to distance myself from womankind, and it’s not to express some latent hatred of femininity. I kept myself from sharing who I was for years because of those criticisms, and I have faced them head on and I know they aren’t the reason I feel this way. I’m not a woman. I’m not a man. Both of those are great things to be. But what I am is a great thing to be, too, and I’m done being quiet about it. 

Feature Friday: 5 Young Adult Books that touch on the topic of  Mental Illness

Hello everyone! I’ve been wanting to do a regular feature post every week to write about book on my blog other than reviewing them. Unfortunately, weeks of procrastinating and being lazy held that back by quite a bit. 

Originally posted by thatoneproudguy

That was me for the past few weeks ^
BUT I decided I’m finally going to start my Feature Friday posts work so I’m going to try starting one this week!

I’m frankly not sure if this is the best topic to start with, but I shall try! Before I start, I have to say that I am in no way a menial health professional or someone who is educated in that area. Simply put, I am just someone that loves to read, and found these books engaging and relevant to situations that certain youths find themselves in. As an avid Young Adult reader, I find that it is important that this genre acknowledges the struggles and predicaments of teenagers in this day and age. 

So these are a few books which I felt somewhat adequately addressed certain mental states that teenagers might find themselves in during their years of adolescence!

1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

We all know this book for it’s blockbuster movie starring Emma Watson! But the book was equally amazing as well! :)

This book was narrated through a series of letter which the main character, Charlie, writes to his imaginary “friend”. Being shy, introverted and socially awkward, Charlie lives life on the sidelines, being an observer rather than a participant. However, the friends that he meets changes those, as they bring him through a journey of adventure, discovery, and learning more about the terrors and wonders of growing up, as he confronts new “coming-of-age” areas such as sex, drugs, and drinking.

I loved this novel and how genuine it was! I felt that the issues that Charlie faced were very real. These issues we encounter when growing up can be uncomfortable at times, and this book shows us just so! It also reminds me of the beautiful days of growing up, and how one should treasure it as much as they can :)

2. Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

In this novel, Audrey suffers from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Social Anxiety after a terrible ordeal that happened recently before the novel was set. Audrey wears sunglasses because the ordeal left her afraid of eye contact, or human contact in general. This book charts her journey in learning to grapple and communicate with her existing symptoms, and also climbing her way back to recovery. It also includes a mini love story with Linus, her older brother’s friend. Linus manages to reach out to her patiently and acceptingly, finding ways to work around Audrey’s fears to communicate with her, and thus playing a huge part in her recovery (although not the entire part, which is what I loved most about the novel!)

It was really enlightening to see things from Audrey’s perspective, and also heartening to watch her through her journey to recovery :) Would definitely recommend it!

3. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon

I’m not sure if you can classify this as a stage of adolescence, but I really loved how this novel explored youths with Asperger’s syndrome.

In this novel, fifteen-year-old Christopher John Francis Boone is incredibly smart in his own way. He memorised every prime number up to 7,057, and also knows every country in the world, as well as their capitals. Relying on structure and rules, he is averse to physical contact, and is unable to understand abstract or subjective essences such as human emotions. 

This book charts his journey as he attempts to solve the mystery of his neighbour’s dog’s murder. Through Charley’s perspective, we gain a better insight on how different minds function and perceive in their own ways. Some of us might be familiar with symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome, but I really liked how this book lets us see the other side of our daily interactions with these youths.

I loved this book so much, and I really recommend it to everyone!

4. Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

In this book, Kath suffers from social anxiety, and thus faces difficulty starting anew in college and being away from her twin sister Wren, whom she has spent almost her whole life together with. She faces difficulty meeting different demands in college, such as communal living and  as well as interacting 

I absolutely loved this book! Being a first-year college student, I felt that I could really relate to the characters in this novel, as well as the transitions they were going through. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel that alone adjusting into a  new college out of town. Also, this book introduced me to the wonders of Fan-fiction, something I’ve always been wanting to learn about. Rainbow Rowell’s dedication towards building her characters is just incredible.

5. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

In this novel, Salinger explores an issue which I believe many of us can strongly relate to. Fifteen-year-old Holden Caulfield struggles to find the true meaning of his life, and what he wants to do with it. He wanders around, finding little meaning in academic lessons in prep schools and loathing the “phony” behaviours of the upper-class in New York City.

This uncertainty and feeling of “loss” eventually leads him to depression and anxiety. This novel charts his journey in finding himself, as well as giving us an insight on the internal turmoil most teenagers feel at one point of their lives.

Trust me, being a teenager is never easy, and Holden Caulfield shows us just that. I absolutely loved how Holden is unpretentious and very real in his narration! An entertaining and insightful read :)

-

So that’s all for now! This is my very first Feature Friday post and I felt that choosing this topic might have made it more difficult to accomplish, but I really enjoyed these books and wanted to share them with you guys! 

I believe books are the best company for book-lovers, and I felt that these books accompanied me through certain (very) rough times when I was growing up. Hopefully they will do the same for you!

Also, one thing in common in these novels was that in their mental illnesses and situations, these protagonists managed to seek help (for some sooner than others) from professionals that could help them through their situations, which further stresses the importance and necessity of seeking help when needed! :)

Have a great week ahead everyone! Hope you guys enjoyed this post! 

10/25/14 upd8

So this is what I think of the upd8 so you are henceforth forewarned of spoilers.

Let’s take stock, shall we?

Jake is dead (Heroic)

Jane is dead (Just)

Jade is dead (Just)

Gamzee is dead

Kanaya is dead (again)

Karkat’s fucking dead (agAIN)

Terezi’s on her way out (probably dying or at least mortally wounded 

I think I just won dead Dave bingo (Heroic)

Rose is dead (or dying) (undeclared)

Dirk is probs an hour or two away

John just beat the shit out of Caliborn and zapped out

Condy and Aranea are screaming at each other

Roxy absconded into a void with Rose.

Bec Noir and Bec Mail Lady are still alive and are hoping that Jade will be revived on her questbed

The alpha kids’ session’s Jack is kinda just hovering in the void being useless.

Alright, that appears to be everyone.

Let me start off by saying that upd8 was both amazing and horrifying. We all knew Hussie was probably going to pull something like this and when the title of the flash read “GAME OVER” i knew it wasn’t gunna be good. So for all of you who are still crying and in hysterics over everyone’s death, this is for you so you have some kind of hope to cling to until A6A6I3 is put up.

Who do we know is alive? Dirk, Roxy, John, Aranea, and Condy. Caliborn is also alive but for the fact that he’s not actually in their session we’re going to kindly put him aside until he becomes of more relevant importance to the other characters while not being Lord English. 

First off, Let’s start with Roxy.

As we all just saw, Roxy took hold of Rose and disappeared with her into a void space before they both became barbequed kanaya all over again. There are many theories as to what a player of Void’s powers actually are but what is most speculated is that Roxy, being a rogue, can “steal” something from nothing, a.k.a. from void. This is false. That is what a Thief player does. Rogue’s are similar but that is not what they do. Thief’s steal for themselves, Rogue’s steal for others. I think we all remember that Condy was originally trying to get Roxy to recreate the Mother Grub egg, which was previously destroyed by Eridan three years prior. Roxy’s powers as a Rogue of Void is to “Recover that which was lost”. What did we just lose? About 6 of our favorite characters. Who’s still alive? Roxy.

Now before you all get your panties in a twist in either excitement/hope or denial, let me remind you that Roxy is not a fully realized Rogue of Void, and has yet to successfully create the Mother Grub egg. That being said, where did she just end up? In a protected space in void. Does anyone remember where that is? Yes, you in the back. Correct! The last place we remember there being a protected space in void is with our good friend Calliope. Having both been there once before, That’s probably where Roxy has, either purposefully or accidentally, taken herself and Rose.

I’m just going to put a pin in this for now and we’ll possibly come back to it later.

Who else is alive? Let’s see… ah yes, John.

Y'all can give John all the shit for being a complete and utter dunderfuck dumbass but he can kick ass alright? He defeated Dave’s denizen (or what I would assume is his denizen) back in Cascade when trying to start the scratch. He just beat the shit out of Caiborn, who, may I remind you, just blew up twelve planets that got increasingly difficult to do so and in case you DIDN’T NOTICE, Caliborn has ascended to god tier. So yeah, John’s pretty kick ass.

That being said, he just did the zappy thing and zapped the fuck out of there. He’s been doing this for a while, previously being caught in Homostuck. What have we experienced with John’s zappy powers? That is can affect timelines. He once got in between Jade and Dave arguing and that causde it to become a doomed timeline because it was not supposed to happen like that. So we know that depending on where and when John zaps to, he can change the timeline. Now if Roxy fails to do her thing as Rogue of Void, John can probably use his zappy powers to go back to before this shit happened and rewrite the timeline so that no one dies or so that it can be fixed later by someone who’s more experience in fixing timelines. When did John just do his zappy thing? At the end of the upd8, which means the next panel is probably going to have something to do with John and where the fuck he ended up this time.

Another pin right there.

Now let’s go back to Rose and Roxy.

As far as I understand it, Rose did not die trying to save someone else, thus creating a heroic death, nor was she killed as a result of doing something evil, which creates a just death. So I think she’s going to be revived via god tier powers. Now, Rose is a seer of light, correct? Seers generally know how to best use their aspect to help others or themselves realize things that are important for their success. Rose’s aspect is light and being a seer of light, she generally holds a shitload of power of knowledge and realization Now assuming my theory about her death being neither heroic nor just and that she’s going to be revived, she’ll wake up and talk with Roxy. Being Rose, who’s had three years to get a handle on her god tier powers, she’s very likely to help Roxy reach her full potential in a very short amount of time. This could prove my previous theory that Roxy is going to “reclaim what was lost”, a.k.a. the lives of Kanaya, Karkat, Jane, Jake, Dave, and Jade. Or she may just recreate their bodies, being as Karkat and Kanaya are toast, since I think her aspect only covers the physical aspect of things and not the spiritual.

This is where Dirk comes in.

Dirk is Prince of Heart. Heart is the aspect that deals with the soul. Now after our little Prince shows up to the party two hours late with Starbucks and realizes all his friends are dead, he’s probably going to freak on Condy and Aranea. 

OR

Seeing as Roxy just disappeared into the void, he could run into her and and Rose. Who then drag him away to where they were going, which is probably Calliope’s safe haven. 

Now, Dirk’s class is one that destroys, so you may be thinking “how the hell is he going to create/bring back life if he’s a destroyer?” Well, we all saw what he was doing to Aranea; he was physically ripping her soul from her body, and that wasn’t even a real dirk, it was an imaginary one created by Jake in his hyped up state. My theory is that since he was able to physically rip thos two aspects of a person apart, could he not do the same to, say, this life and the next? He could destroy the very boundary between the world were a body exists and the space in which the soul exists.

Thus, Roxy recreates Karkat and Kanayas bodies and Dirk can rip their souls from the other world a.k.a. dream bubbles and put them back into their bodies. Thus bringing them back to life..

Are you all following so far? Cool. Let’s quickly look at Aranea and Condy.

Theyre screaming at each other. Or rather, Condy is screaming at Aranea who is screaming in fear from Condy. It also looks like she’s being choked by the emperess. Now we all know that Aranea is only alive right now because of the un-prototyped ring. 

Back to Roxy now.

Roxy can, again, “recover that which was lost”. Technically, she lost the ring when she was in trixter mode and she knows what it does so she could possibly recreate that first. 

The ring brings back the dead.

Who else brings back the dead?

Jane.

Who is she gunna put the ring on to bring back?

Jane. 

Then Jane is going to revive everyone that her powers work on, so this excludes Karkat. Yes I know, all of you want your precious krabkrab back, but as I explained before, there are other methods for that to happen. 

Another way that they could bring back Jane is to go into a dream buble to find her, and put the ring on her soul form, which brings her back but her body is still stabbed through with Jake’s on LOFAF. So she could go around and bring everyone back to life and finally bring herself back to life so she disappears and reawakens in her own body.

Real quick here, I just thought of something. If Roxy recreates Karkat’s body then Jane’s “Once only” rule shouldn’t apply to him since it’s a new body and she should be able to bring him back. 

Now for the Becs and Terezi and that should be it.

The Becs just killed Dave and placed Jade on her quest bed. Both of them are dead and are not coming back without some help.So being loyal dogs, they’re either going to wait for Jade to revive on her bed (which we all know she won’t) or they’ll go out looking for a way to save her, possibly seek out Aranea since she was the cause of all this. Aranea is currently in Condy’s vice-grip so they’re going to have a brawl with them which ends in probably aranea dying, Condy dying, both of them dying, or neither of them dying and the Becs get killed. So there’s that.

As for Terezi, let’s face is, she had the absolute FUCK beaten out of her by Gamzee and then she stabs herself through the heart via Aranea. Honestly not looking too good for our little cockblock. Granted, she’ll probably watch shit go down or she’ll accidentally get caught in a crossfire and actually die and then be revived later on through one of my previously stated methods or one that I didn’t cover. 

Now I know you’re all freaking out. But you have to understand that this is not the end of Homestuck. Hussie has stated that there was this update, another one in November (which is probably another flash), and then “I will let you all know after that what my regular update schedule is going to be.” This is not the end, there is still more, there is still so much more so have hope that this is not the end of the line for our fallen 10/25/14 characters.

This has been a PSA from your local Homestuck.

Fandom, meet Metaphor Short-Stature

If you play along with the mirroring game at all, you’re familiar with the John/Mayfly Man mirroring. It’s, like, mirroring 101. And makes ridiculous treatises like this possible. Have you taken a good look at this one scene at the end of TSOT though? The one time when John and the Mayfly Man are on camera together, exchanging dialogue? We’re going to just fully descend into crack madness today. I promise you, it’ll be brilliant.

Let’s just start with the relevant dialogue from this scene:

Sherlock: “Jonathan Small. Today’s substitute wedding photographer, known to us as the Mayfly Man. … Johnny sought revenge on Sholto…”

Jonathan Small.

Jonathan.

Small.

Jonathan.

Small.

“Oh, audience, do you not see the point that I, Mark Gatiss, am hitting you over the head with yet? Here, let me call him Johnny. Yes, I know that Sherlock never gives people nicknames and that it’s 100% out of character for him to call him Johnathan and then switch to Johnny 5 seconds later. That’s the point.”

“…still no? My, aren’t we slow! Here, let me have John cross right in front of the Mayfly Man right as we’re talking about how Johnny planned Sholto’s ‘murder’.”

“…still no? Quite honestly, dear audience, I don’t know how else I can help you. I’m writing with the subtlety of a lead brick here. Would it help if I just called him Metaphor Short-Stature instead? Or should we save that for Series 4?” (and Mark gets a dreamy look in his eyes and stares off into the middle distance)

Well that’s great, we’ve just sent imaginary Mark Gatiss off to his happy place. We won’t be able to disturb him for a while. In the meantime, let me just take this moment to formally introduce you to Metaphor Short-Stature.

A few of us in the glitterati squad ( elizabeth-twist, monikakrasnorada, roseinmyhand, hotdiggitydollie, queenmab3, hopelesslybenaddicted, & iamjohnlocked4life) were shooting the shit one day, about six months ago, about the ridiculousness of this scene. How, clearly, the Mayfly Man has nothing to do with John Watson. Except for his entire subtextual arc, the staging and the camera work, and oh yeah, even his fucking name. We left Jonathan Small behind as we started speculating about the qualities of Metaphor Short-Stature. Like all magical beings, he began to take on a life of his own. We quickly concluded that Metaphor Short-Stature must be the metaphorical anti John Watson.

In other words, Metaphor Short-Stature is our Anti-Trash Prince.

He makes tea. He loves buying the milk. He loves waking up at 4 AM to the violin. He never rage sniffs. He dances with the curtains open. He’s never even heard of the concept of no homo. MSS doesn’t mind putting his hand on your knee. He won’t complain about gently running his hand up your inner thigh. He’s just fine with a little open-mouth kissing. And he’s very convivial about some light frottage and implied rimming. He is good and pure and true and a more or less a glitterbomb because isn’t that what an anti-trash prince would do?

So we took this concept and ran with it, beyond all reasonable boundaries. And now elizabeth-twist has taken this phenomenon to its natural and deserved next level. Crack fic. Specifically, origin story crack fic. With glitter.

You should probably read it.

So, fandom, meet Metaphor Short-Stature. We birthed him, and now he’s ready to be unleashed on the world. Love him. Make him your own. Our anti-trash prince is your friend. Enjoy that.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! In a twist of fate truly out of the cornetto trilogy, we discovered the existence of a doppleganger glitterati squad who was also using glitter for their nefarious crack fic writing purposes.

Not gonna lie, it’s weird as shit. Hello, twin glitter gang! (jamlockk, ewebie, cleverwholigan, fleurdelis221b, theglitterypotato, hudders-knows, intensitycity)

I won’t say a lot, but I will say that there will likely be collabs and there will likely be glitter based doppleganger crack AU fic. So, yeah. This little article is here for you as half introduction and half dire warning. Something super fucking cracky this way comes. Stay tuned.

6.17

I know this is my first review in a long time but with all the good hype I heard about Ian’s episode I had to watch this one but first I had to watch last week’s episode. I just haven’t been in the mood to watch TVD, because usually when there’s a good episode one week, the next one turns out to be horrible. Even though tonight’s episode wasn’t horrible it still wasn’t as good as 6x16 but here’s my review.

Alaric & Jo | So can someone tell me when Jo became pregnant again because that little fact was lost on me? Oh well who cares anyways her appeal wore off after that whole sibling sacrifice thing and I don’t even know why Alaric is still on this show. I closed the door on his ass after he started endorsing DE now moving on to other more relevant characters.

Enzo | I say this everytime i watch an episode but “WHAT THE HELL IS ENZO’S PURPOSE?”, I mean seriously he’s on this imaginary revenge trip blaming Stefan for who knows the fuck what and went as far as torturing Matt into helping him corrupt Stefan’s niece who he now is catching feelings for? Whatever. He’s boring, needs to place his blame on Damon since that’s the one who set him up to DIE in the first place, and takes up too much unneeded screentime for no reason. I’m just saying either get rid of his ass or give him a new storyline because i’m beyond tired of seeing him.

Kai | Now the last episode i saw Kai in he got points with me for unleashing all the shade on Delena, but i never forgot that he was a psychopath. He deserved to be left in that 1903 prison world, because i remember what he did to her in the 1994 prison and even though now he appears to be more empathetic that doesn’t change what he did so now he’s got to suffer the consequences. Karma is a bitch ain’t it?

Bonnie & Bamon | I was stanning so hard when I saw what Bonnie did to Damon in 6x16 because she told him not to bring Kai into her face and he did it anyways so he got what was coming to him. I’m so glad she’s back to being a witch, because she’s the ORIGINAL badass witch they tried to bootleg it with Liv’s weak ass but Bonnie is the only one that counts in my book.

What I love about her is that she’s selfless, and even though her “friends” don’t deserve to have any of her kindness she still continues to go above and beyond to save them no matter the case. She deserves the world and nothing less than that after all the hell she’s had to endure. She knows who she is, didn’t give up the fight to live and imo is the true heroine of this show especially to go back into another prison world after what she went through that’s how strong she is.

I’m still warming up to the idea of Bamon, no one will ever be good enough for her but i do like that Damon is more tolerable around her and 10x more likable, and the chemistry is very much there so i’m here for this relationship it will be very interesting to see how it unfolds.

Damon & Elena | Oddly enough these two didn’t get on my nerves like they usually do but that didn’t mean I wasn’t irritated by certain things like Elena’s stupid comments “Look Damon, there’s Aurora Burealis in the sky!”, like girl that wasn’t the point of the visit. Also Damon’s comment about Stefan being his family, i’m sorry but i don’t buy that Damon lost the right to call Stefan his ‘family’ after condemning him to a life of misery so he can stop with the big brother BS.

What I did like was the subtle hints to Stelena such as Elena pointing out that she had TWO epic loves even if she is twisted to think what her and Damon have is anything close to epic and the first picture she sees and calls adorable thinking its Damon is actually Stefan and his face lighting up when he sees Bonnie. It brought me back to the S6 poster with Bamon and Stelena holding hands and how with this season ending they’re setting up for the DE/SC dynamic to change especially introducing the cure storyline again. 

There’s already been foreshadowing hints dropped of Elena becoming human again with Damon telling her if she was human again she’d choose Stefan, but this time instead of Katherine taking it, Elena will and that changes everything.

Lily Salvatore | I like her character so far, she seems to really love her boys still but she could still be hiding something. What I did find interesting was her being a ripper just like Stefan because I didn’t know that kind of thing could be genetic so while i think she’ll be able to get through to Stefan a little ultimately i think Elena will play a big part in Stefan getting his humanity back because she’s his emotional trigger there’s a reason he said “just remember to bring me back” to her.

Sarah Salvatore | I feel so bad for this girl, she was just living her life and Enzo just had to mess that up. Stefan has spent her whole life protecting her and now is in danger with shit that ain’t even her mess to deal with. Ugh hopefully they won’t kill her…..hopefully.

Steroline | I saved these two for last because it pissed me off the most. Now i watched 6x16 and what i kept hearing the whole time was how Caroline turning off her humanity was all Stefan’s fault and if only he’d told her his feelings that all of this could’ve been avoided. Even Elena didn’t have anything to say to this, and Caroline made a remark saying “all the time and you finally said it”…now Caroline girl let me remind you.

Now I don’t know how we’re suppose to believe that from S2 to now she’s been harboring feelings for Stefan when she’s been with Tyler, Matt, and lets not forget Klaus all this time. Also she’s been a BIG Stelena cheerleader so i don’t know where these magical feelings came from. She’s guilt tripped Stefan since this season started, made him feel actual shame for mourning his brother than calling her ass, and now blaming him for making her turn off her humanity. Yes, she turned it off mostly for her mother but also because Stefan wouldn’t tell her how he felt. They’ve forced this whole “romance” out of thing air and ruined a perfectly good friendship in the process.

Stefan doesn’t love her, he may have feelings for her but that’s it. He cares for her but like he told Liam in 6x16 she loves him but he doesn’t feel that for her. Caroline is setting herself up for a lot of disappointment because they’re very similar to DE in S4. Damon made Elena turn off her humanity and then encouraged her to do bad things, not stopping her until she got really bad and that’s what is going to happen to SC. Stefan has turned off his humanity, and we all know when gets it back that guilt will come at him full force and him and Caroline will be done. He may be her emotional trigger, but she isn’t his there’s only one person with that title and her name’s Elena Gilbert. 

I’ve said it once and i’ll say it again as long as Elena is walking around Caroline has no chance, he’ll never love anyone like he does her and never will. This whole relationship will only end badly, and tonight’s episode was proof of that because they acted like 15 year olds trying to kill each other then that horrible sex scene it wasn’t cute nor romantic just toxic like DE. Stefan was more entertaining as a ripper in S3 but not now, the only thing that remains is him being honorable. He turned off his humanity in S3 to save Damon, and this time he turned it off to save Sarah and that’s why I love him. He’s a tragic hero, but that’s who he is and I wouldn’t have him any other way. Caroline on the other hand has gotten on my nerves since S6 started and this episode did her no favors she needs to wake up and get back to the fierce female she use to be because right now she’s not. I don’t like Steroline as romantic, never did and judging by how its going now i made a good decision.

Whew that was really long i know but i had to get out my feelings, hopefully TVD can pull its act together by the end of the season! Welp see y’all next week!!!!

What led to the death of Kurt Cobain?

The year is 1967. The Beatles and The Rolling Stones are taking over the music world, Nuclear weapon testing is taking place in Nevada and the Vietnam War is in its 11th year. The US dollar is becoming whole again as military action paces and political action becomes the main force.

On February 20th, Kurt Donald Cobain was born to Donald and Wendy Cobain. At the time, the Cobain family were situated in a tiny bungalow in Hoquiam, Washington. Wendy worked as a cocktail waitress and Donald worked as an auto mechanic. 

In a paper written by Wendy, Kurt’s (at the time she wrote it) 14 year old sister, was that his favourite toys were a harmonica and a ,mini drum kit; Kurt was obviously interested in music from an early age. Not long after Kurt turned two, he created an imaginary friend, he called him Boddah. His parent’s got increasingly worried about Kurt’s behaviour and relations towards Boddah; if Kurt did something wrong he would blame this new found friend. They told Kurt that Boddah had been drafted to Vietnam but Kurt never fully believed them. When playing with his aunts tape machine, he heard a backwash of white noise and said “Is that voice talking to me? Boddah? Boddah?” But this fictional friend seemed like a bigger deal. Kurt never forgot him, in fact; it was Boddah Kurt addressed the alleged suicide note to.

When Kurt was 2, they moved into their first house within Aberdeen. Just north of the new house was Wishkah River. The bridge that towers the river has been dubbed the Kurt Cobain Bridge by fans and it’s this bridge that Kurt refers to in the Nirvana song “Something in the way”. By Kurt’s admission he slept under this bridge when he was homeless as a teenager but many of his closest friends at the time deny this ever happening, saying Kurt was too much of a moaner to do something like that. These made up or over exaggerated stories were all part of Kurt’s persona. Kurt dubbed himself Kurdt Kobain within his Journal entries; Kurdt became Kurt’s alter ego. Whenever writing about an event in his journals he would make it sound 10x cooler than it ever was, and every single time he’d sign it Kurdt. He even spelt his name like this on the inlet of Bleach and various interviews. Aberdeen was a small, melancholy town mainly known for its logging distribution. In an interview with Michael Azzerad, Kurt mentions his view of the town at a young age; “I didn’t understand my environment, what was lying ahead, the alienation I would feel when I was a teenager, because I thought as Aberdeen as any other city in America; I thought they were all the same you know… everyone just got along.” . I can’t imagine the older Kurt being a good lumberjack or logger; he was short, skinny and a huge moaner.

Kurt was a huge fan of music in general from a young age. His aunt and uncle had a large collection of records that Kurt would scroll through. When Kurt was 6 he was rummaging through looking for a Beatles record when he saw the “butcher cover” of Yesterday and Today – his aunt recalls him crying out and running towards her in panic. Kurt was obviously distressed at seeing his favourite band covered in meat, as his aunt recalled “It made me realise how impressionable he was at that age.”

By Kurt’s own admission, he had a great childhood up to the point where his parents divorced. Kurt said that everything after this point was different; that he never felt truly loved or cared for again. To Kurt, his childhood ended here. I think it was this event that changed his life in a way which would affect his whole emotional spectrum running throughout his life. This was the also the first instance where Kurt felt the effects of abandonment; something which flowed throughout his life. At the time of the divorce, Kurt would constantly get moved from parent to parent, often ending up at his grandparents. Kurt seemed to yearn both a care and love deeper than most children, which would stem from his no less than perfect upbringing in his early life.

Kurt seemed to have a strange relationship with suicide. When he was 14 he received a super 8 camera and started making short films. One he titled “Kurt commits bloody suicide” – the film depicts Kurt pretending to slash his wrists with the edge of a torn in half can. He used fake blood and mimicked a death he must of seen from one of the other silent films he had seen with his friends. Jenny, his father’s girlfriend was sure there was something wrong with Kurt, saying “there was something wrong with his thought process even from the beginning, something unbalanced.”

Suicide was relevant again when Kurt and his friend, John Fields were walking home from school. Fields told Kurt he should be an artist, but Kurt announced that “I’m going to be a superstar musician, kill myself and go out in a flame of glory” - when Fields told him the idea was stupid, Kurt replied “No, I want to be rich and famous and kill myself like Jimi Hendrix.” Neither of them at the time knew that Jimi Hendrix’s death was not a suicide. This distorted reflection of stardom had obviously affected Kurt, he seemed to think suicide was part of a Rockstars job to kill themselves at the end of it. I don’t think Kurt fully realised the heaviness of the subject until his uncle, Burle Cobain shot himself in both the stomach and the head. He faced the subject yet in 8th grade when he and two of his friends found a boy who had hung himself outside one of the schools. Kurt had dealt with suicide many times in his childhood, i believe this gave him the “normal” outlook he had, I don’t think he ever quite realised the true damage of suicide because in a way, he was so adapted to it. Kurt would tell his friends he had “Suicide Genes”.

Kurt started high school in September 1979. By 7th grade he was playing drums in the school band. Throughout his early high school life, (much to Kurt’s dismissal) he was very popular with the other kids. He dressed preppy and was said to look like a young Brad Pitt. Kurt’s innocent 7th grade crush, Roni Toyra said “About the only thing different was that he was quieter than most kids. He wasn't unsociable, just quiet.”

He’d avoid conflict throughout high school by using comedy and words; another trait which although minor, I think is important. Kurt wrote, sang and drew the deep emotions he was tormented by, and these seemed to be his emotional release throughout his life. This way of dealing with it wore thin, and you could see this with Kurt’s onstage presence. Kurt came across timid and subtle in interviews, yet on stage he was ravenous, at the end of most sets he’d throw his guitar down or throw himself into the drum kit. Probably Kurt’s most symbolic stage destruction was at Nirvana’s Pier 49 show in New York, where he knocked the head off the anatomical body on stage with his guitar. The anatomical body was the cover of their 4th album In Utero – Kurt smashing this icon deemed seemed almost subliminal to me. It was very clear Kurt suffered with some sort of mood disorder. Even I feel it sometimes, that sudden stab of anger and the need to throw it all out of your system with force, but it was becoming more and more apparent with Kurt’s on stage presence. During one show in Dallas, Texas Kurt jumps into the audience, (earlier during the show he has been having issues with a distortion pedal and the mixing deck was playing up, to which he ‘resolved’ by smashing it with his guitar) some audience members grabbed his clothing and guitar, to which he also 'resolved’ by hitting someone in the face with his guitar, causing a huge gash and a stage brawl. You can see that Krist seems fed up and bored of dealing with this behaviour. 

Kurt started his drug use in the next year of high school. He started off doing them at parties, smoking marijuana and taking LSD; but within a year, Kurt was smoking pot everyday. To Kurt it was a release, he got to forget about home life. The routine of skipping school on his own to take drugs would eventually take its toll. He started speaking to friends less and was a lot more alienated. The fun of drugs only seemed to last a while. Even celebrities of the 21st century are destroyed by addiction; look at Amy Winehouse, who like Kurt, died at the young age of 27. She was found in her Camden apartment dead due to alcohol intoxication.

Kurt’s relationship with his parent’s grew worse; he spent an increased amount of time in isolation- something which would become a trait of his. “He was home a lot more, but he wasn’t even with us when he was home. He seemed to become a lot more introverted. He was quiet and sullen.” told his Fathers girlfriend. One event which struck my attention was a time his friend, Rob Marsh recalled. Kurt had trapped a cat in his parents’ chimney and laughed as it died. This was the same boy that as a child wouldn’t have hurt a fly. By the time Kurt was 14 him and his father’s relationship became extremely rocky. They couldn’t give each other what they needed – Kurt wanted love and attention and Don, his father needed Kurt to be a good son. Later in Nirvana, Kurt would go onto sing a direct lyric about his father in “Serve the Servants”“I tried hard to have a father but instead I had a dad.”


On Kurt’s 14th birthday, his uncle Chuck bought him his own electric guitar, little did his uncle know what he would go onto do with the instrument. He carried it everywhere with him, not that he could play much, but to Kurt the guitar wasn’t so much a practical instrument, it was more of an identity. Kurt would tell people that he only ever had one or two lessons on it, which wasn’t the case – he was taught for $5 by Warren Mason, who was in his Uncle’s band. This was another thing Kurt became known for; his elaborate story telling. It was sometimes hard to take any credible information from what he said, you would have thought if it came directly from the source you’re analysing it would be 100% fact, unfortunately this was not the case.

At 15, Kurt was kicked out of his mother’s house the morning after she discovered Kurt had snuck a girl and her friend into the house after a party. She walked in Kurt’s room to find him and his new accomplice nude in his bed. Once again, Kurt felt a sense of abandonment. Kurt’s hand with sex wasn’t exactly smooth, he was thoroughly put off sex by his first encounter which he writes about in his journal, and his second attempt was cut short by his mother. Buzz Osborne of the Melvin’s drove Kurt to go and collect his belongings. Although it seemed like a tragedy that he had been kicked out of his own house at the age of 15, this event would lead on to pave his future. Seven years after this period Kurt would write the song “Something in the Way” – This “something” he was referring to being him.

After months of living on the street, his uncles and on friends couches, Kurt ended up at Krist Novaselic’s house. Kurt had left school completely and moved into a 100$ a month studio apartment, which he lost within months due to lack of payment. He even considered joining the Navy, he passed all the tests, Kurt claimed he got “the highest score anyone had ever achieved” – which is highly unlikely as the test included maths; something which Kurt wasn’t great at. Kurt had found himself in jail as a teenager for spray painting “GOD IS GAY” on a wall. When Kurt was 19, he found himself in police custody again for climbing on a roof seemingly intoxicated. Kurt once again baffled a story to the new people he met, claiming that he drew pornography for other inmates in exchange for cigarettes, nothing which also seemed very unlikely, as Officer John Green put it; “Kurt seemed like a nice kid, a little scared.”

Fame and the idea of being a Rock star were much different in the 1980’s. John Lennon was shot dead on his doorstep in 1980, Drugs became part of being famous, MTV – the first 24 hour music television channel was created in ’82 and Michael Jackson became “The King of Pop”. Celebrities wouldn’t necessarily have been publicised for drug use because so many people did them; it was a part of the fame culture.

It was around the time Kurt was helping the Melvin’s on tour that he met Tracey Miranda, Kurt’s first long term partner. “Kurt was doing a lot of acid, sometimes five times a week” – Kurt’s drug use had got worse. He smoked pot nearly every day, Krist said “He was really into getting f*cked up; drugs, acid, any kind of drug. He’d get hammered in the middle of the day, he was a mess.” When Kurt was asked what he was going to do when he was thirty he replied with “I’m never going to make it to thirty.” Ryan Aigner who lived a block away from Kurt said “He was the shape of suicide, He looked like suicide, He walked like suicide and he talked about suicide”

Had Kurt really always been this way? Perhaps what he said about having suicidal genes; or perhaps Kurt had dug himself so deep in the thought of suicide he had embraced it and realised it was just the time in-between the “now”, and the time which he committed it. Kurt and Tracey clicked from the start, she knew a lot about music which was a huge turn on for Kurt, and he was surprised a girl actually liked him back. She served not only a girlfriend role, but also a very maternal one too. The only thing Kurt loved more that Tracey was his pet rat that he had raised from birth, “Kitty”. He usually kept Kitty in a cage, but one time Kurt noticed a spider in the room and urged Kitty to kill it, when Kurt went and got a deodorant can to kill the spider, he heard a heart-breaking noise. “My left foot… On top of my rats head.“ He jumped around squealing and bleeding. "I screamed “I’m sorry” about 30 times.” Kurt had stepping on his rat accidently. He wrote in his journal that he panicked and took the rat outside in a pair of dirty underwear and clubbed the underwear to put him out of his misery. “I obviously didn’t love him enough” – Kurt, once again felt the sense of abandonment. This event also marked upon Kurt’s caring side. What he did to the cat in the chimney seemed extremely uncharacteristic, from what I’ve seen of him in interviews he comes across caring and very aware of the world around him. Kurt was known for his views against sexism, homophobia and racism. In 1992 Nirvana played a supporting gig to benefit gay rights, something which Kurt spoke of and seemed proud of in interviews.

Nirvana would form in 1987. The band consisted of drummer Chad Channing, Bassist Krist Novaselic and of course Kurt Cobain; vocals and guitar. The band’s first full length album was entitled “Bleach” – a name which Kurt came up with after seeing a poster which warned of the contraction of aids through pharmaceutical needles used to inject heroine. The poster read “BLEACH YOUR WARES”. The band had a strange relationship with their record label Sub-Pop, which had also been around since ‘87… but it worked. Bleach was produced on $600 that Tracey had donated to the band. It sold well to the underground market, but Kurt wasn’t happy with it, claiming it “wasn't our sound.” Kurt never seemed truly happy with any of Nirvana’s albums; he always had things to pick at.

Visually, Nirvana seemed strange. Kurt was just about 5’9, Chad was 5’7 and Krist towered the two being 6’7. At the time, Kurt was beginning to make the iconic image he left behind. He had mid bicep length hair and wore trashy jeans. It was at this point where I think Kurt found his true purpose. he had been surrounded by music practically all his life and now he’s made a record and his band is getting recognised. Their next album would be released on Geffen Records, a much bigger, more corporate record label. This album shunned Nirvana into the spotlight, but more obviously; shunned Kurt in it. It was at the point of “Smells like Teen Spirit” - a song derived from a scrawling of Bikini Kill front woman, Kathleen Hanna - someone who Kurt was very fond of. The name “Kurt Cobain” became relevant. Nirvana gained huge fame, and with that came money.

The album was titled “Nevermind” – Kurt took this line from Smells like Teen Spirit and also liked the fact the grammar was incorrect. Nevermind topped billboard charts 3 months after its release and went on to sell 30 million copies; it did something which Kurt would often said he always said he didn’t want… it put him in the spotlight. It was bringing in “commercial” fans that Kurt didn’t want. He added in on the inlet of Incesticide, Nirvana’s B-Side collection - “At this point I have a request for our new fans, if any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different colour, or women, please do this one favour for us – Leave us the fuck alone!” – It was clear how Kurt felt about his new found fame. His relationship with new significant other, Courtney Love and their drug use got spotlighted and criticized, more so when Courtney fell pregnant with their daughter, Francis Bean Cobain.

Courtney Love, fellow musician and drug enthusiast met Kurt in 1989 at one of Nirvana’s shows. Their relationship flourished and as she put it; “we bonded over pharmaceuticals”. Courtney sent Kurt a heart-shaped box filled with seashells, pinecones and a miniature doll. This box is said to be the muse for the Nirvana song “Heart-Shaped Box”. Kurt’s drug use spiralled at this point; He started using heroine much more frequently; his reasoning; it settled the intense pain he got in his stomach. They would regularly take the drug together. But, I think there was a strong love there, especially on Kurt’s behalf. A lot of people said that Courtney was the reason Kurt was hooked on drugs, but that’s not the case, bassist Krist told author Charles R Cross “He (Kurt) did it before he even met Courtney. Courtney did not get Kurt on drugs.” Dave Grohl, Nirvana’s drummer from 1990 onward told Kerrang! Magazine “It’s no secret that Kurt had been battling a drug addiction and there was tension within the band over some business matters.” Kurt’s addiction obviously not only affected him, it lent torment to anyone close with him as well.

Kurt’s body was found on the 5th of April, 1994 in his greenhouse behind his home in Seattle. The police verdict of his death was a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head; a suicide. This would not have been Kurt’s first encounter with suicide; he’d overdosed once before but was “found” by Courtney and revived; this was later said that she had injected him the overdose to try and kill him. 4 days before he was found he escaped a drug rehabilitation centre in Marina Del Rey, California to supposedly commit suicide. On April 4th, Courtney love hired California State Private Investigator and former detective, Tom Grant. Whilst Courtney was in Los Angeles, Tom flew to the Cobain’s family home in Seattle to look for Kurt. On Tom’s personal website dedicated to the Kurt Cobain case, he goes onto say: “The Police immediately concluded suicide. I wasn’t so sure. Neither was Rosemary Carroll, Courtney love’s entertainment attorney. Ms Carroll was also a close friend to both Courtney and Kurt. We both knew something was terribly wrong here.” Kurt’s “suicide” was all over the media, and fans were devastated. After months of investigating the case, Tom Grant concluded Courtney Love and Michael Dewitt were involved in a conspiracy ending in Kurt’s death.

In December of ’94, Tom Grant began publicly speaking about his view on the case. Courtney threatened him and any other media firms reporting on the conspiracy with law suits, but no legal, criminal or civil action has ever been taken against Grant or anyone else in the media has been taken. Tom’s website goes onto list facts that were never taken further;

  • Kurt was filing a divorce, prior to Kurt’s death Courtney told one of her attorneys that she wanted the “meanest, most vicious lawyer” she could find.
  • One of Kurt’s credit cards were missing when his body was found, attempts to use it were stopped when news of his death got out.
  • The shotgun Kurt supposedly killed himself with was bought for protection. Kurt’s fingerprints where not found on the shotgun.
  • The “suicide note” found was extremely suspicious. There was nothing about death on it; it seemed like more of a note telling his fans that he was quitting the music business.
  • Courtney had a second note that she didn’t declare until several months after in a Rolling Stones magazine interview. This note clearly states he was leaving Seattle, not ending his life.
  • Kurt was injected with 3 times the lethal dose of heroine. Based on the heroine (morphine) blood levels in his system, Kurt would have been almost instantly incapacitated. He couldn’t have lifted the shotgun, let alone squeeze the trigger.
  • The media said that Kurt had barricaded himself in the room, which was not true.
  • The media also said that Kurt left his driver’s license out for identification, which wasn’t true either; the first policeman on the scene removed it from his wallet to take a photograph.
  • There is no definitive evidence for suicide, yet there are fact’s that it could have been a murder.


Let’s look at the note found with Kurt that Tom Grant photocopied on Courtney’s fax machine. (The GP171 and CAPT____ are police notations)


First, to me; this note looks like any other page from his journal. The note is addressed to Boddah, Kurt’s childhood imaginary friend whom he still referred to throughout his journal. Kurt goes onto say “When we’re backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn’t affect me like it did for Freddie Mercury.” – To me, Kurt had no idea how to be famous; Kurt was always just a kid from Aberdeen in my eyes. He mentions Frances in the letter saying “…who (Frances) reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy.” - I think what the “used to be” part refers to is Kurt’s childhood before his parents divorced. He mentions that "since the age of 7 I have become hateful towards all humans in general.” - He is still very much scorned by his first encounter with abandonment.

Now, this is the point where what Tom Grant said about the letter being directed to his fans very much apparent; “Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.” – you could question the Neil Young quote at the end for referring to suicide, but in my opinion this letter is addressing his fans and is NOT a suicide note. 


Kurt talks little to none about his life directly; he’s just discussing the music industry. The end of the letter is the biggest media speculation. Various hand writing experts say that the end of the letter is written by someone else. The writing is noticeably larger in size, and it’s the only section that fully acknowledges Courtney. What seems even more suspicious to me is the release of the Hole (Courtney’s band) album “Live through This” which was released just 7 days after Kurt’s body was found. Many Nirvana fans claim that Kurt wrote most of Hole’s lyrical content and was the sole reason anyone ever bought a Hole record – Courtney was always highlighted as a "fame whore” through Kurt, to which I can agree with. Would anyone who truly loved someone that had taken their own life want to release a full length album only 7 days after? Much to Courtney’s assumed desire; the album was Hole’s best selling which was more than obviously due to curious Kurt Cobain fans.

Another huge part of the Courtney Love conspiracy theory is that she supposedly tried to hire a hit man to kill Kurt. Eldon Wayne Hoke known as “El Duce” who was the drummer and vocalist in his self-described “rape rock” band “The Mentors” said in a short interview that “Courtney Love offered me $50,000 to whack Kurt Cobain” – what’s more alarming is 2 weeks after this interview, El Duce’s body was found aside a train track. Police say that he was intoxicated and fell onto the track; this seems all “convenient to me, he spilt information that Courtney didn’t want out and just like when she didn’t like what Kurt what saying about a divorce; she had El Duce killed.

In a 1998 issue of MOJO Magazine titled “Who Killed Kurt Cobain?” had a list which I think pretty much sums up the theories.

1. Courtney did it.
2. Courtney caused him to do it. “She tore Kurt apart. Nothing Kurt Cobain could do could make Courtney Love happy. If he did kill himself, I know why!” – Courtney’s father, Hank Harrison, 1996.
3. Courtney knows who did it.
4. The nanny did it. Michael DeWitt, the Cobain’s live-in nanny, saw Kurt at the household on April 2nd. He left a letter in the house which read “Kurt – I can’t believe you managed to be in this house without me noticing. You’re a fucking asshole for not calling Courtney & at least letting her know that you’re O.K. She’s in a lot of pain Kurt, and this morning she had another “accident” & now she’s in hospital again. She’s your wife and she loves you & you have a child together.”
5. His drug dealer did it. According to Love, Kurt was being harassed by Capitol Hill narcotics dealers.
6. El Duce did it. $50,000 is a lot of money.
7. His accountant did it.
8. Geffen / Gold Mountain etc. did it. Elvis Presley’s estate is worth $50m a year, what could the Cobain’s be worth?
9. Fame did it. Fame was never Kurt’s ally; could it have led to his death?
10. Kurt Cobain did it.

In my opinion it would be impossible at this point in time to make a factual statement about whom, or what killed Kurt Cobain. I will justify my opinion with the facts I do know. I believe that Kurt Cobain killed himself due to certain aspects in his life. The first being Courtney Love, I believe she was the main reason Kurt decided to kill himself – I think Kurt loved Courtney so much and it overboard his emotional spectrum to the point where he could function with his lifestyle, something which I think effected Kurt always, the emotion of love which is brushed upon in the song Aneurysm; “I love you so much it makes me sick”. I believe that Courtney Love knew that Kurt was going to kill himself; I think he told her at some point. I think the whole thing concerning the date of the album release was a business decision made by Courtney, she considered that she had all this media attention surrounding her late husband’s death and used it for personal gain. I think Courtney Love sent and anonymous person to see if what Kurt had told her (about committing suicide) and they edited the note and set up the shotgun. Kurt was surrounded by suicide his whole life. Maybe what he said about having suicide in his genes was true and perhaps be wasn’t being sarcastic when he said he was going to become and big Rockstar and kill himself before he was 30. You can hear in Kurt’s voice, especially when Nirvana played the MTV Unplugged set in ‘94, and lyrics he was in some sort of pain, mentally and physically. It’s really not deniable that Kurt could have been capable of it, he tried to 2 times before this and this time it worked. Although I think Courtney Love has used Nirvana and Kurt’s name for personal gain, I do not believe that she outright killed Kurt, I just think she was a huge part of his demise. I do think fame killed Kurt, right from the beginning when Nevermind was released, from what I have read and understood, Kurt seemed like he didn’t fit the job after that. I think Kurt thought he would always be a kid from Aberdeen who was into the music scene, but when his name was everywhere and his life was scrutinized, I think it took its toll on him in the worst ways possible. There are many other factors to consider, one being the drug use and his general life style, no one can live like that and be happy forever.

As I said, it’s impossible to truly know, and I think Courtney Love will take the truth to her grave and we’ll never know. I think Kurt was extremely misunderstood and mistaken for a hero, when really he saw himself as a nobody; and that’s kind of how he wanted it. Kurt’s death shocked and awed every Nirvana fan, and still to this day, Nirvana and Kurt’s name strives through music history as being truly, and in my opinion deservingly iconic.

“People think of life as being so sacred and they feel like this is their only chance and they have to do something with their life and make an impact As far as I’m concerned, it’s just a pit stop for the afterlife. It’s just a little test to see how you can handle reality.” - Kurt Donald Cobain

(This was written in early 2014 as an Extended Project. This was not the final version but the lastest version I could get hold of. I hope you learnt something interesting about mine, and many others hero!)