because i am having doctor feels

Don't get me wrong

I love my husband to death but I feel like he just doesn’t get it. I’M GROWING A BABY INSIDE OF MY UTERUS AND I AM TIRED! Stop asking me to do things you can do yourself! Ugh. Having a moment.
Like there’s no reason why I should have to book your doctor’s appointments and take out out the trash because you see it overflowing and decide to ignore it. You’re a big boy.

today i’ve realized that the only thing holding me back from doing whatever the heck i want are my insecurities. i can’t pick my course for college because i feel like i am not good enough to actually become something. i want to be an architect but im afraid my drawing skills and designs will never be enough to sustain me in the future. i want to be a doctor but im scared of failing my subjects because im not actually that good in memorizing terms. i also want to be a lawyer but i feel like i have a weak heart and i will never win my cases in the future. i want to be so many things, i can be one of those things, heck i can be all of those things!!! but these thoughts are driving me crazy!!!!

i’m cute but psycho, she says. she smiles at me.

in my backpack are sixteen emergency items for panic attacks, for shutdown mode, for in case i can’t stop urges i can’t control, in case i am in trouble. i have under my bed razors i can’t bring myself to throw out, even though i’ve been recovered for ages. i forget what i said to him after i say it. i don’t mean any of it, but maybe i did. am i steering this ship or am i just a passenger on it.

i put the hot in psychotic, she says. i hear her laughing.

i can’t feel my lips. back when the hallucinations were bad i didn’t tell anyone but him, because i knew what was happening. when i woke up in a hospital i tried to kill the doctor. my therapy group was full of wonderful people. the girl who was schizophrenic had a beautiful singing voice. i can still hear her crying sometimes.

normal people scare me, he says. i know it’s from tv.

we faltered on the edge of bad things. when he tried to burn his house down he didn’t know what he was doing. he’s being charged as an adult, they tell me. when he saw me looking he said it was his responsibility. the girl with split personalities is sweet. her trauma rendered her largely unable to speak. i sit outside with the other three who raid our own bodies and we pluck flowers and play a game: what if i’d been born normal. what if i had been given executive functions. what if i hadn’t been given depression in bucketfuls until it overcame my lungs. my parents don’t know how to look at me anymore and neither do my friends. they all tiptoe around me like i will break at any second.

try yoga. it’s just a phase. we all feel that way. you have so much to be thankful for. someone has it worse. mentally ill people are dangerous. therapists aren’t real doctors and by extension you have no real problems. go for a run. just choose happiness. you’re not really sick. you’re faking it.

i lace my shoes. it’s nice to have laces back. i will try to work out without letting myself get back into my disorder, but we all know how well that will go. i have been working out since i was six years old. yoga is on my schedule but it’s never active enough. there’s a good chance that out of the people in my group, one of them is being taken advantage of. we are so quick to give ourselves out for the safety of others. the boy who, like me, has burn scars on his skin - he tells me his girlfriend likes that he’s sick. it makes him sensitive. the girl who is schizophrenic gets picked up by her father. i know he hits her. she says she kind of deserves it.

sadness makes for good art, she says. i don’t look up.

when they ask me where i’ve been i say i’ve been out of town. i feel fine thanks for asking. i don’t know who i am when nobody’s looking. i don’t know if i’m even real anymore. i don’t know how to get close to people because they’ll end up finding out and hating me for it, or i’ll be a burden, or they won’t know how to handle it. my family never brings up the hospital again. sometimes i think i dreamed it. 

you won’t find love until you love yourself, he warns. it’s been a long day.

i’m so alone.

Please pay attention to the following:
When you see the person you “like”
does your palms get sweaty? Knees get weak?
Arms are heavy? Butterflies floating all around in your belly?
You’re nervous, but on the surface you look calm and ready
to spit game, but you keep on forgetting
the pickup line that you picked out
you’re stuck in a trance and your legs are moving now
you’re in front of the person that you like
and your feelings won’t come out – you’re choking now
the room feels smaller now, then you run to the bathroom
and it’s all over now

No I’m joking.


When you see the person you “like”
do you find yourself staring at them?
Picturing a future with them?
Having daydreams and night dreams about them?
Going through happy times and heartbreak
but not minding it one bit as long as
you’re going through all of that with them?


Stop. You’re falling victim to the Falling in Love disease. Please get that checked out before it becomes incurable.


When you see the person “like”
do you find yourself hesitant to text them?
When you press send, it feels like you’re bothering them?
And now you’re anxiously waiting for their reply
and every time your phone chimes you rush
only to be disappointed because it was your stupid game app
and waiting feels hopeless but you still have hope
and when they finally text no matter the time length
your heart is beating fast and you’re thinking
“What am I going to say next?”


Stop. You have the Falling in Love disease. Please go check with your local doctor to find a cure.


When you see the person you “like”
do you see yourself and them together
every time you hear a love song?
Do you find yourself overthinking responses
just in case they talk to you today?
Do you find yourself disappointed when they don’t talk to you
but then convince yourself that you’re fine
then go home and say you don’t need nobody
and you play i - i love myself


Stop. There’s no hope for you.


When you see the person you “like”
do you find yourself writing about them?
You never were a poet or loved poetry before
but they give you this inexplicable feeling
their presence drove you to dedicate lines to them?
And when you finally felt the courage to express your feelings
you found out that they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend
and you feel crushed because you don’t like them
you love them and that’s why like was in quotation marks


So stop because the doctor found out that you were already in love, and there’s no diagnosis on how long your heart has to live.


Are you in love? Because I am.

—  Are You in Love?
ok BUT

the most important lyrics for me in “Disappear” are “if you never get around to doing some remarkable thing, that doesn’t mean you’re not worth remembering” because like the angsty millenial teen that I am I have this big urge to change the world and make things better and I feel like I’m always pressured by my parents and stuff to get amazing grades then get an amazing degree at college and become a freaking doctor and discover the remedy to cure cancer or some shit, or I look around and see these amazing kids my age changing the world and doing incredible stuff and I can’t help but think: should I be doing something? Am I useless? Shouldn’t I be helping the world? And like freaking Alexander Hamilton I have this feeling that I need a great legacy and I need to be remembered, I need to be WORTH to be remembered.

and no one ever tells you that, you know? No one ever tells you ‘hey, it’s alright if you don’t change the world, you’re worth anyway’. Instead there’s all these people telling you how you need to work incredibly hard to make your dreams come true and do something good for which everyone is going to remember you and if you don’t it means you’re a loser and you haven’t succeeded in life.

so thank you, whoever wrote this line to the song, for this. because it’s something no one ever talks about; other way ‘round, actually. and it makes me feel better, like I don’t need to rush for doing some, ya know, remarkable things.

Sacrifices

Prompt: Hello, please do an imagine where batsis is always sacrificing something for her family even if it costs her and the one time she needs them to do the same they do the same (ex. Their is someone she sees as a child and begs her family to help them but they don’t and that person dies). This ends up causing her to turn on them.

Requested by: ANON


    You tear open the bag of cookies with a viciousness that would surprise most people. You kick off your shoes, and purposefully leave them in the kitchen, before trotting into the entertainment room. You find the worst and bloodiest movie you can, pop it in, and hit play. You munch on your cookies, take sadistic glee in the demise of the stupid teenagers in the horror film and order Thai food.  

    The sound of shoes and talking hits your ears as you exchange one horror movie for another. You’re too mad to say hello, instead you plop back down open a soda and hit play. When you hear the talking over your movie you turn the sound up, and after giving it some thought you lock the door.

    You listen as they try opening it. And you ignore them when they start calling your name. Once again you turn the sound up. You only pause when you get a text from the delivery driver. Reluctantly you get up unlock the door, and pass by the men in your life without saying a word.

    You ignore all the questions, smile as you open the door and pay for your food, before tipping the driver generously. You pass by them again to the kitchen. You lay your food out, put together a plate, and you slap Damian’s hand when he reaches for one of your spring rolls.

    “My food not yours. Touch any of it and die.”

    You can feel shocked gazes on you, and you turn your glare on Alfred when he clears his throat. You can see the surprise on his face. You never look at him like that, but right now he’s one of them. “I was going to prepare dinner Ms. Wayne.”

    “I’m good. As you can see.” Without another word you return to the entertainment room. You can’t stop them from following you. You wish you could but you can’t. After several minutes Dick asks, “Is something wrong?”

    You consider playing it off, instead you pause the movie, set your food to the side and reach for the ridiculous hat you’d worn most of the day. You throw it right at his face. You feel your anger spike when he catches it. You see the realization in his and your brothers’ eyes at the sight of it.

    You hear Jason curse, as they all scramble to apologize you, you glare at them before yelling, “GET OUT!”

    You see them hesitate, before they decide to stand their ground. With a growl you take your plate and leave the room, before heading towards the stairs, “Ms. Wayne no food upstairs please.”

    You don’t even bother looking back, “Oh bite me Alfred.”

    “YN!” You wince as your father yells your name before turning to face him. “Apologize.”

    “No.”

    You watch his brow furrow, “What the hell has gotten into you?”

    You watch Dick pass him the cap, you watch his eyes widen, and then Alfred’s, “Oh baby.”

    “No.” You stop him before he can start, “No oh baby. I have sacrificed everything for this family. Birthdays, holidays, vacations, nights out with friends, a social life and all I ask for is one thing, for you ALL to be at my graduation. I became a doctor today, a profession I chose because of you all, and none of you were there. Not a one. I looked out into that crowd and none of you were there. So screw you, but I’m hurt. Because this is not my fault, and I am allowed to feel mad.”

    And without another word you make your way upstairs to your room.

Mental breakdown tag lol

do I use this script or not

also vedj - still going, but will probably miss some days and that’s OKAY
I’m worried for this video, because rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.
I haven’t been making videos because I didn’t know how to when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.
so here’s the thing
you may have seen on twitter
i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 17 in a vid recently
and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%
i went to wales for some shoots, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad
I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t
I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold
so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up, so tried registering to the doctors
walked there, in my weird dream state, took a proof of address cause I knew I needed that, handed it in, and then they said that I needed proof of address within the last two months
i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird so I think they must have thought I was actually insane
I forgot how to say thanks and bye so I think I just left, dunno
walked home, in this strange, bright dream world
tried finding proof of address, forgot how to talk to my housemate, scared she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk
and then my mum called and said dodie
are you okay
and I just sort of
broke
i was sobbing, rummaging through bin bags to try to find some sort of proof of address, on the phone to mum, and I decided to visit home home for some sort of familiarity, cause I used to feel so normal and alive in that house, when I was younger
so I went home home, crying on the train, panicking about the fact that I was going mad and all my friends were like dodie wtf
that was when I tweeted saying I needed a break
then I saw mum and started crying about the fact that I left my old bedroom bed in dovan flat, cause I just wanted my normal bed in my normal room so I could feel normal
and I came home but of course I wasn’t magically cured because going to that house is not the same as time travel
i’m not taking a trip to 2012 when I go home, as much as I want to, i’m a broken dodie visiting a broken house and a broken ish family
I even visited my old primary school which shut down, like, years ago, and I wandered around with hedy
I don’t think that helped, cause it felt like it had just, grown leaves and aged in like 20 seconds
it just made me feel even weirder
so what am I feeling? Okay. let me explain. Or try to.
here are a bunch of messages I have sent to friends of mine, to try and explain wtf this is
“i’m so tired
I’m just so tired I feel like I’ve been awake for 4 days And I don’t feel like I’m here I feel like I’m drunk Like I’ve had three wines and shots and beer and I’m tired and ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk
I don’t even look like me
Everything is so wrong and weird and scary
I honestly think I’m going mad
I can’t stop crying
I’ve got such a bad headache” to lucy
And I’ve just constantly felt like Drunk and blind You know when you’re hammered
And everything’s really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and you’re not really taking anything in cause you feel really weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but you’re not really There
I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad
And I don’t know if I’m ever going to see things like normal again” to sammy
“Here’s the thing
I’m alive
I can breathe
I can eat and talk and sleep and see and feel
So I should be okay
And objectively, I am fine
So why am I not
It’s one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like is this really happening and then I’m like is WHAT really happening
I used to not understand mental illnesses at all
I was like
Just think of cats and rainbows
But now I get it
It’s so much deeper in your brain than cats and rainbows
I used to say if I ever got dementia or something id fight it
But how can you fight it when the it is the thing you’re using to fight with
Dodie has gone full blown mad” to jon
now, thanks to the last vid, and to google, I’ve found out what this probably is
and I’m trying my best to register and see a doctor and get therapy and sort this out and also
I know what you’re thinking
if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy
you’re thinking dodie
you sound mental
just shut up,
turn it off
you’re fine
you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it
firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can
and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how.
so. here’s my plan.
I’m going to act fucking normal.
I can still sing. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot.
but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too much alcohol and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me.
Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this
I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all.
So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to make the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental. Cause what else can you do.

Whilst I type this I’m on the phone to my bank to get a statement sent to prove my address to go BACK to the doctors to prove I live here then get an appointment to get referred to therapists. The NHS may be free but it’s not bloomin easy lol.

gotta say making this video was super healthy for me. It was good to edit together and see that I can pass as a functioning human.

PSA about PMDD

I just had to post this. I had to get the word out about something that needs to be more widely known and understood.

First of all,

PMS is not a joke. It is horrible and shitty to have to go through.

Second of all,

PMDD is different and is also not a joke.

Now let me explain for those who don’t know. PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Let’s look at those words more closely. 

Premenstrual: Roughly speaking the two-week period leading up to a woman’s menstruation every month.

Dysphoric: Dysphoria is described as being “a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation.” And can often indicate an increased risk for suicide.

Disorder:  many clinicians will describe psychiatric disorders as deviant, distressful, and dysfunctional patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors

NOW, lets break down disorder into those 3 parts

        Deviant: thoughts or behaviors that are different from most of the rest of a given cultural context

        Distress: a subjective feeling that something is really very wrong

        Dysfunction: when a person’s ability to work, and live is clearly and often measurably impaired.

These 3 things are what the field of psychology would like to call the criteria for diagnosing someone with a mental or behavioral illness. That last one in particular. Now that was a lot of info so how about I make this all a little bit more visual…

So now that you understand what PMDD means and that it is a real diagnosable illness, lets take a look at what it means to live with it.

PMDD was added to the DSM in its most recent addition in 2013, the DSM5 lists the following 11 symptoms as characteristic of PMDD

·      Marked lability (e.g., mood swings)

·      Marked irritability or anger

·      Markedly depressed mood

·      Marked anxiety and tension

·      Decreased interest in usual activities

·      Difficulty in concentration

·      Lethargy and marked lack of energy

·      Marked change in appetite (e.g., overeating or specific food cravings)

·      Hypersomnia or insomnia

·      Feeling overwhelmed or out of control

·       Physical symptoms (e.g., breast tenderness or swelling, joint or muscle pain, a sensation of ‘bloating’ and weight gain)

Speaking as someone who has been diagnosed with this by an actual doctor, I can say that PMDD is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, when I am not in the premenstrual period I am constantly thinking about how far away from it I am. I plan things around it because I can, because it comes every month like clockwork. All I can do is try and enjoy my self for the two weeks every month when I am not in absolute hell. And when it comes, everything is a struggle. I have to force myself to go to class, force myself to talk to people, force myself to shower, brush my teeth and do anything other than pull myself out of crying fits and into numbness, out of anxiety attacks and into the temptation to self harm. 

After it is all over I try and move on and recover and live my life to the fullest until it comes back but that is all I can hope for. A half life.

So let me reiterate, PMDD is not ajoke. If those symptoms or my testament hit a little too close to home, please share your concerns with a doctor and get a formal diagnosis and treatment. And for everyone else, all I ask is that you spread awareness and try to think twice the next time you think about accusing a girl of PMSing because ever since 2013 this has been a bona fide mental illness. We as a society can not claim that we are working towards reducing the stigma on mental illnesses if we are only doing so for a select few on a list of many.

Please reblog and spread awareness.

My 63 year old mum wrote a letter to her doctor after a recent physical that she asked if I would be willing to share online. It is regarding the experience of being overweight and how doctors, and the world at large, treat you when you are. It’s a bit lengthy, but please give it a read if you have the time!

Keep reading

guys I am so serious but I have no idea what just happened and I am having real, physical difficulty typing rn because my whole body is shaking? like, okay, so this thing flew over head that woke me up, I guess it just sounded like a regular aircraft but kind of low, and then there was this burning heavy pressure and it made the back of my eyelids go white (even though I was in a dark room with my eyes shut hang on of course I had my eyes shut oh well) but I am not making this up and it felt like I was, idk, being microwaved or fucking something and I was like ‘well this is how I die’ but it went but I felt…. just awful, after, and I still do but the main thing is my hands? are shaking so badly I cannot describe how much I am kinda of not okay

also this is like, 7:17am in the uk it just happened in like the last half hour? anyone else?

EDIT: okay so my friend on skype is an angel and talked to me about normal shit and now I have stopped shaking and feel better, I really hope it was aliens because dude that would be sweet but I’ll talk to my two-doctors-who-are-also-my-parents about it and see if I need to see an actual GP, sorry for wigging you out but I literally kinda felt like I was? dying? for a bit there. oops

Edit edit: sooo I might have had a seizure, going to see the doctor later today, whelp. Really sorry for scaring you but bloody hell I never want that again.

Falsettos Characters as Quotes from John Mulaney
  • Whizzer: Hi, I'm very gay and would like a few dollars.
  • Marvin: I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That's not really a joke. That's just a little, sweet thing I like to say.
  • Jason: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the amount of stress I am under.
  • Mendel: I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.
  • Trina: It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.
  • Dr. Charlotte: Don't lie to your doctor. Because if you do, he will stick a part of his hand up your ass.
  • Cordelia: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
Patient Namjoon(Namjoon Version Smut)

Well, I know I said i wanted this to be a Dr. Namjoon smut but I’ve decided to make him the patient this go round. You’ll see why..  In my next smut which is the threesome with Namseok. This story is a special story for all of you but for four people especially. @dlcute @princess-of-luxury @xnamjoons-slutx@thegirlthatlikesasianboys

I don’t know how to warn you other than saying this is an smut that you may not want to read if you don’t like bdsm that much. It’s also AMBW. I don’t even want to tell you guys what kinks is in it. Just read it. You’ll enjoy it. Word Count: 5501

Your name: submit What is this?

Sitting at your desk with your legs propped open underneath the closed space your fingers danced across your wet clit, the soft sounds of your pussy being played with echoing throughout the quiet room. You had your lab coat bunched around your hips, sliding one finger inside of you curving and wiggling it to find your spot. Back arching a soft sigh left your lips as you felt your stomach muscles starting to clench indicating you would cum soon.

“Ms. Y/N I’m here for my appointment!” A familiar husky voiced called from the door. Jumping you pulled your hands from your wet pussy straightening up as Namjoon pushed open the cracked door and came inside.

“O-oh yes hello Namjoon please come take a seat, I’ll be right with you.” You spoke softly your cheeks flaming with heat.

“Is everything ok?” You heard him ask slowly, the mock concern in his tone made you groan inwardly. What if he found out you were fingering yourself? You would be in so much fucking trouble. Shaking your head, you straightened up faking a sneeze and quickly reaching for the tissue to wipe your fingers and your nose looking back at him.

“Oh, good heavens! I’m so sorry about this Namjoon please forgive me I have to go wash my hands and make sure you don’t get sick.” He smiled with understanding moving to sit in the chair beside you. Getting up you quickly dashed into the bathroom in the hallway washing off your fingers, scrubbing them so that he would only smell strawberries if he was to for some strange reason grab at your fingers. Smiling up at yourself you fixed your white lab button up coat, looking down to check and make sure your red pumps were intact. Hair and lipstick was straight and thankfully not sweaty. You made your way back into the room and Namjoon lifted his head to give you a bright smile his dimples showing as he drank you in.

“My my Y/N. You’re such a beautiful doctor.” He purred lightly sitting up a bit.

“Thank you Namjoon. You’re such a handsome patient. But I’m sure my fiancé wouldn’t like it if he found out you said such things or if I did so let’s keep this professional.” You smirked walking towards your desk.

“Professional. Got it!” Namjoon stretched out, his long limbs moving with him. You watched as the peak of his abs came out while his shirt rose the little teasing show causing your breath to stop momentarily, his hand swiped across your pen holder on the desk in the midst of him stretching causing him to knock it over. “Doctor! I’m so sorry.” He was going to bend down to reach it but you stopped him with your hand up.

“No need. I got this.” Bending over, you picked up the pen holder, also taking your time to pick up the pens as well. Your lab coat had rose up your legs, you knew the peak of your blue underwear were on display for him, how quiet he had gotten. You could feel him becoming stiff, you could feel that heated glare staring at your chocolate thighs and your nice round ass. You knew also that the panties you had on were a size too small showing the outline of your pussy how it would give him a clear view of it with your legs squeezed together.

“All better.” You smiled once the pens were up putting them on the desk sitting back in your black swivel chair grabbing at your dark blue notepad flipping it to a clean sheet of paper. You grabbed at a blank pen looking at Namjoon.

“So, what can I do for you today sir?” You asked him, seeing the faintest of a jaw clench you felt victory in your gut but you made no move to say anything right now.

“Well Y/N –“

“It’s Dr. Y/N.”

“Y/N” Namjoon rasped out your name and you swallowed thick nodding your head.

“Y/N it is then. Continue.”

“Do you always interrupt your patients?” Namjoon asked you. Scoffing you glared at him pinching the bridge of your nose. You clenched your teeth together before you looked up at him who was looking expectantly at you. “Well?”

“Well I was trying to let you speak. No I do not interrupt my patients usually but also my patients don’t try to test my patience.” You growled your voice rising a bit.

“Are you getting an attitude with me?” He asked his voice changing tone lightly and you shook your head.

“I’m not. Let’s start again. I am thankfully that you have come in today to see me. I just want to help you, because I’m the doctor! And whatever you need I will give it to you.” You smiled hesitantly squirming in your seat as he watched you.

“Very well then.” He rumbled out flicking his tongue across his bottom lip. “Doctor. Y/N. Lately I have been feeling a bit tired, my energy is not all the way there. Also, it seems I’m having problems having problems with my releasing process. I’m not cumming right.” He frowned patting his member.

“What do you mean not cumming right?” You asked jotting down some notes in your notepad eyeing him.

“Well, I will have an orgasm. But it’s not a lot. Maybe one or two little drops. And sometimes it’s hard for me to even get turned on or feel the need to fuck my girl. Do you think it’s me?” He asked licking on his bottom lip as he watched you.

“Well, I don’t know. Tell me how do you feel about this girl you’re seeing. You guys are engaged, right?” You asked tapping your pen on the notepad. Namjoon nodded perking up as he stared at you.

“She’s amazing! She’s the most beautiful brown kitten I’ve ever seen in my life. You know how they say that some girls are a tall glass of milk? That’s how I feel about her, except she’s chocolate milk so she’s much sweeter and it’s much better to lick on her nectar. She is so caring, charming and all around just a great blessing for me to have. I can’t keep my eyes off of her when I’m with her, and trust me whenever I see her do little things like show me skin. Whenever I go to her job and see her work I just want to pin her down on the desk and fuck her until she has bruises implanted on her hips and thighs from my fingers digging into her plumpness. And don’t even get me started about those curves that she has. Her full breast, oh and her sweet ass slapping it is the best. I mean she makes me weak doctor. Makes the monster come out of me.” He grinned playfully. Chewing on your lips, you nodded your head feeling the heat starting to rise in your face as you jotted down more notes.

“So, then maybe it is you Namjoon. Let’s give you a regular checkup and see what we can do about your hormones. If anything, one pill of Viagra will do.” You almost choked on your laughter at the glare he gave to you but your hands quickly dashed to grab your stethoscope from the drawer. Hearing something fall, you moved to look back seeing Namjoon stretching again, this time a vanilla file was thrown to the ground, some paper scattered in a pile at your feet. “Ok God of destruction.” You griped out leaning down to pick up the files. Your breast pressed together the peak of them being shown because your buttons were not buttoned that far up. Once you had everything up, you smiled at him standing up. Moving to place the stethoscope against his chest you asked him to take deep breaths. You could feel his heart beating fast, smirking you decided to fuck with him a little more. Pushing the stethoscope against his back your breast pressed against his right arm, your plump mounds resting against his toned muscled arms. He took deep breath, his face turning so that he could breathe against your breast.

“Doctor. You have smooth skin.” Namjoon purred sliding a hand up on your outer right thigh. His finger moving up dangerously close to your heat, fingers ghosting under the confines of your coat.

“I-I do indeed. Please keep your hands to yourself.” You softly whined, trying to move his hand but he was slicker. Moving his other hand upwards on the left side he managed to surprise you and reach his hand around grabbing at your ass cheek.

“Wow doctor. Your ass feels. So, fucking soft.” Namjoon squeezed at your ass cheek with his hand as your hand tried to pry his other hand away from sliding up farther.

“Well it’s not supposed to be hard, now is it?” You asked him. Namjoon chuckled pulling his hand back only to slam it down against your ass cheek causing it to jiggle as he rubbed the flesh. It surprised you and sent a jolt of pleasure dancing up your spine. Your hand stilled for a moment too long and Namjoon had you, his hands grabbing on both cheeks kneading them. His eyes looking up at you as he bit the top button close to your cleavage. A soft gasp left your lips, your hands moved to press against his shoulders. You tried to push him away with some effort but Namjoon only opened his legs wide so that he could pull you close against his body. His hand reached up from your ass cheek to grab at your panties pulling them upwards causing them to dip between your ass cheeks and press tighter against your pussy.

“You cannot t-treat a doctor like this.” You tried not to moan, your eyes were becoming hooded and your mind was becoming jumbled.

“I can when the doctor said she was going to do whatever it took to make me feel better.” He countered looking up at you as he flicked his tongue to lick up the crevices of your breast

“Yes! But doctor still needs to finish your checkup. You were concerned about your energy and parts below right? If you let me go I can help.” Your voice was failing you becoming more of a question and uncertainty when you spoke. Namjoon chucked nipping a part of your skin slapping your ass again. His middle finger sliding down your panties slowly until he was teasing your opening. Sliding his long finger inside. Without thinking you slapped his hand away from you your eyes going wide as you realized what you had just done. Namjoon froze in place, and you felt your doom coming.

“Oh no.” You mumbled softly and with a growl he was charging at you. Picking you up by your legs Namjoon threw you on the bed, he turned you around in his hold, your mind that was frozen for a split second tried to move from him crawl or do anything that would set you free. Namjoon saw your attempts but he wasn’t having any more of you denying him when he knew what you were doing before he even came inside.

Looking around your place, he grabbed at your ankle pulling you down so that he could walk towards the drawer. He kept you with a tight hold around your ankle. You whimpered slightly clawing at the sheets. You brought your leg up bending your ankle and then pushing it down making Namjoon fumble. Crawling off the bed in a quick motion you dashed towards the door with wobbly legs.

“Where the fuck are you going kitten?” Namjoon asked grabbing at a tape measure that was used for measuring your body. He ran after you catching you before you got out of the door. Shutting the door, he slammed you against it, his hands working to tie the tape measure. Once your hands were secure he picked you up over his shoulder walking backwards to the bed, he threw you on it with your face against the sheets. Letting your legs hang over the edge of it he got behind you grabbing at your hips bringing you back to rub against his growing erection.

“Mm someone is such a fucking naughty little doctor. Treating your patients like that.” He jutted out his lower lip as he ground himself against you, his dick starting to harden in his panties. “But now I get to have all the fun in the world. Because doctors cure you, don’t they?” He asked you spreading your legs wide with his. Once you didn’t answer he slammed his hand down to land against your ass raising his voice. “DON’T THEY?”

“YES!” You shouted out throwing your head back. Your legs bucked and you could feel your pussy starting to become wet from just his rough voice alone, but the grinding didn’t help anything it just made it worse.

“That’s right.. And with your sweet little pussy doctor. Daddy is going to make sure he feels cured by the time he is done with you. And look at that, my monster is ready to devour your sweet tight pussy. Or maybe I should fuck your ass and just leave you to bury your fingers back in your pussy like you were doing earlier.” He taunted. You were beyond embarrassed that he caught you, but instead of staying quiet you shook your head looking at him over your shoulder.

“Keep dreaming. You’re a patient who needed the doctors help. I bet you can’t even make me cum.” You smirked wiggling your ass against his bulge. Namjoon gripped at your hips, stopping all movements he slowly pushed up your lab coat to bunch around your waist, he leaned forward dark eyes baring into your own unsure ones.

“I bet I do make you cum.” He spoke in a low tone, pressing his forehead against yours. “I bet I make you cum a lot actually. You’re going to cum so much you’ll be crying for me to stop and I won’t. I’ll only keep pushing you to your limit doctor.”

All hope that you had of getting free or redemption went out the window with that phrase. Namjoon chuckled sadistically pulling away from you he walked from the bed. “Don’t move doctor. We wouldn’t need to prescribe you pain killers, now would we?” The threat that he made to you cause you to bury your face into the sheets staying perfectly still or as still as you could. But after sometime of him not coming back, you peeked up through your hair. Namjoon was treading back towards you with a multitude of things in his hand. Your stomach clenched at the mere thought of what he was going to do to you. He bit his bottom lip placing the toys down beside you coming to stand back behind you.

“I didn’t know doctors kept such things at work. But then again, you’re such a little slut are you Y/N? My little slut.” Namjoon grabbed at a brown paddle that had the words ‘obey’ carved into the front of it. He rubbed it across your chocolate cheeks softly dancing his fingers across your skin. “Peaches and cream, sweeter than sweet, chocolate cheeks and chocolate wings.” Namjoon sung the part out before slamming the paddle down against both of your ass cheeks. Pain shot through your back causing you to yelp out loud, your hands fisting up as you rested against the bed. “Oh look at how red you are.” He commented running his finger softly across your heated skin. Smirking he pulled the paddle back to smack against your ass again the pain making your eyes brim slightly with tears. Your legs shook, the heels becoming wobbly against the floor. Namjoon frowned playfully squatting down he flicked his tongue repeatedly against your heated flesh. “Does it hurt doctor?” He teased biting gently on the space under your ass cheeks. Dropping the paddle, he licked up and down your panties, his index finger finding your clit. He rubbed his finger against the spot watching as your whole body shook with desire. He hummed kissing at your ass cheeks. He pulled his finger back standing up he grabbed at the paddle, moving it to hit just across your ass cheeks. Giving you a round of five smacks that sounded off in the quiet room but your whimpers broke free. “Come on doctor we wouldn’t want your other patients outside to hear you nor the receptionist.”

He moved to your left ass cheek repeating the same process, dropping the paddle on the bed he gripped at your panties that were soaking wet, pulling them down he pressed a long kiss against your pussy. Sliding you out of them and your heels. He placed your feet back on the floor before tapping your ass. “Up on your tiptoes and hold it.” He quietly ordered and you obeyed. Pushing yourself up, your ass was stinging the tears that started to escape your eyes were finding little puddles along the bed sheets but you loved it, the pain was simply amazing though in the time it hurt. You loved it when he was rough with you reminding who was in charge here despite titles. Namjoon used his index fingers to open your wet pussy lips looking at the wetness before him. He puckered his lips blowing air against your slit causing you to whine for him. Your hands tugging to break free but it was no use you were stuck there. Namjoon leaned forward pressing his tongue flat against your slit he licked upwards until he was licking against your asshole and he pulled back to start the process again. Long slow kitten like licks against your slit that would frustrate you to no end because he wasn’t doing anything more. Finally, he pressed his tongue against your clit flicking it rapidly. Enclosing his mouth around the bud he gave a few sucks to your clit, tongue dancing against it while you became a wrecked mess above him. Once he was satisfied he pulled his mouth back pressing two fingers against your entrance. Sliding his fingers inside of you slowly he groaned at your tightness around his fingers the warm walls taking him in fully. He used his free hand to palm himself through his pants letting his fingers stay in place he kept them there until you were clenching them around his digits taking that as a sign to continue. He pulled his fingers out together only to thrust them back into you at a slow pace. Over and over he kept them straight not giving you the satisfaction of having him curl them for you and find your spot.

“Fuck yourself on my fingers.” He told you, not replying to him, Namjoon nodded his head growling. He stood up pulling at your hair roughly his elbow of the same hand pressing against your middle back as he bit harshly on your ear. “Either you fuck yourself on my fingers. I’m talking about bouncing this tight pussy and fucking yourself for me or I will leave you here and I won’t fucking untie you. Take your pick now then, either you’re going to behave as my little slut and get fucked nice and deep or you going to stay here while I go find another doctor that will.” Of course, that was like a slap in your face. Glaring at him you nodded your head you started to push your hips down trying to ride his fingers. Namjoon released his grip a little so that you could move your body more. Eyes drifting shut he tugged harder on your hair. “Keep those pretty brown eyes open baby girl. I’m not through looking in them.” Moaning softly, you kept your eyes on him pushing back on his fingers. Your body moving up and down the bed, nipples rubbing against the lab coat that you had on. “Faster.” Namjoon commanded and you did so pushing your hips down on his fingers as more moans slipped past your lips from how it felt to have him fingering you. “Fuck, look at those nice plump ass cheeks bouncing for me. I can hear how wet your greedy pussy is taking me in. Just imagine the sound it’s going to make when my dick is shoved inside of you.” Your pussy gushed with more juices causing Namjoon to laugh as he leaned down and bit into the left side of your hip. “You feel so good, and you’re getting wet. The little kitten likes my dirty talking.” He smirked pulling his fingers back from you slowly. He brought them to his mouth while looking at you, sucking your essence of his fingers with dramatic licks and slurping noises. He reached down to grab at a rotating dildo aligning it with your entrance. He pushed the toy inside of you turning switch onto the lowest setting. The toy started to move inside of you thrusting in and out of your walls. Head rolling forward in his hold you let his name fall of your lips. Namjoon pulled back to let your head fall forward, moving to grab at the spreader bar he locked your feet in place so that even if you tried to close your legs it would be difficult for you.

He grabbed at his paddle, starting to hit your ass once again he relished in how good it sounded for you to cry out for him. He put the paddle down as he helped the toy thrust in and out of you, turning the setting up he moved to grab at a purple bullet pressing it against your asshole. He watched it pucker up as he played with it, leaning forward he licked around your hole slowly moaning against it he pushed his tongue inside of your asshole.

“Namjoon- I’m.” Your words were short, hips thrusting back against the toy to fill more of the force of it thrusting inside of you, your words were failing you. Your eyes drifted shut and felt your stomach tighten up wanting to feel your release you kept jerking your hips downwards fucking the toy. Namjoon just hummed against you, switching the angle of the toy to press it against your spot. In a few minutes, you were cumming on the toy your hips jerking from the pleasure. Namjoon kept thrusting the toy inside of you not letting it against your spot repeatedly. He moved the bullet to press it against your clit earning a loud shout of protest from you. “Please Namjoon.” You begged gently but he wasn’t hearing it, both hands moving the toys against your clit and soaked pussy you were feeling overstimulated. Namjoon didn’t care though, it was your punishment and you were going to have to take it. Moving back from your ass he licked it again, smirking as another wave hit your body, how you crumpled and deflated against the bed he let you ride out your orgasm again and moved it from your clit sucking your essence off it. He put it down on the bed moving to grab at a row of anal beads circling them around your entrance. He slowly pushed the beads inside of you one by one each one getting bigger until he had all of them buried inside of you. He moved back watching the masterpiece in front of him. He pulled the dildo from your clit licking and sucking it clean throwing it beside you he bent down to grab at your hips turning you over to lay on your back smiling down at you. He lifted your legs upwards and placed your feet on the bed. His hands spread your legs wide pressing them down against the mattress, grabbing at a smaller vibrator he taped it against your clit turning it on max settings from the get go. Moving back, he slowly stripped himself of his shirt and his pants keeping on his boxers. He gripped at your lab coat unbuttoning it until it was open moving you to push it off of your body his hands gripped at your breast. Playing with them he jiggled them and slapped them a couple of times. Moving back, he gripped at a riding crop striking it against your stomach. He watched as the skin turned red, moving to slap it against your pussy it hit the end of the beads causing you to feel them push deeper. Back arching off of the bed you bucked your hips upwards. Namjoon grinned pressing the riding crop against your nipples he started to hit against each one of them seeing how your nipples puckered up and became hard for him. He licked his lips leaning down to enclose his lips around your pert nipples sucking on them. Letting his tongue paint your skin with his spit. A wicked flash across his features as your body tensed up and your third orgasm sucked through your body. He licked a trail over to your other breast circling his tongue around your nipples slowly biting into the flesh. Once he pulled back he put the riding crop down getting in between your legs he licked up to the toy and back down shoving his tongue inside of your wet pussy. He slurped at you shaking his head side to side curving and thrusting his tongue to taste all of you.

It was starting to hurt, the overstimulation and cumming. Your eyes were brimming with tears once again as mixed feelings swam through your body. He held your hips down not letting you move while he ate you out. Body twisting and shaking your orgasm was taking longer to build up due to the fact that you had cum already three times and he was trying to make it a forth. He curved his tongue to roll against your spot picking up the speed of his tongue to make it vibrate against your spot. He let his tongue stay in that place watching as you shifted your hips and arched harder of the bed head rolling back and cries of pleasure escaping your lips. Your voice broke, heart beating erratically as another wave of pleasure slammed into your body.

“PLEASE NAMJOON! I’M SORRY!” You knew what it was about. Telling him no. And you regretted it. Namjoon pulled back from you after he sucked up your cum and kissed at your parted thighs.

“Sorry can’t fix everything.” He reminded you as he freed his dick from the confines of his boxers. Crawling on the bed he moved until he was straddling your chest, not sitting on you he let his knees dig into the mattress. One hand gripping at your hair and the other on the bed he tilted his head. “No will I have to make you use your pretty little mouth?” He asked letting his dick tap against your bottom lip the tip smearing precum against them. Shaking your head, you opened your mouth slowly for him letting your tongue roll against the head of his heated shaft. Moaning lowly, he lurched his hips forward burying his dick inside of your mouth. He thrust his hips forward, letting his balls smack your chin every time he entered into your mouth. His head rolling back, he moaned lowly enjoying the feel of your wet tongue sliding up and down against his hardened flesh. He moved to let his hand pinch at your nose instead cutting your air off he slammed his dick faster going as deep into your throat as he could. He watched you not letting you or letting you breathe. When your eyes started to get low he slid his dick into your mouth holding it at the back of your throat feeling you squeeze around him. Enjoying the sensation, he repeated it three slow times, you could feel your oxygen leave your body and the light-headed feeling was creeping up your bones until your vision was blacking out.

Namjoon released you, your ears popping as he pulled back to let you breathe before you passed out. You coughed and joked, not seeing much but tiny little bursts of color. Namjoon growled at the sight before him, his hand fisting his dick he stroked his large member until he was releasing his cum over your face. Against your lips and over your forehead and cheeks trying to avoid getting it into your eyes. His thick ropes painted your face white with his cum. Namjoon picked you up, moving to lay on the bed he spread his legs wide pressing you down against him. You were coming around once again looking around you growled slightly.

“You expect me to ride your dick with cum on my face?” You asked and nodded his head picking you up by your hips. His still erected dick was pressing at your entrance.

“I could always go back to the toys.” He mused out. Without hesitation, you were pushing your hips down burying him deep inside of you. Head rolling forward you slammed yourself down onto him. Not taking the pace slow because who were you kidding you liked to have him buried deep inside of you. Hips snapping down against his as he thrust up into you, your walls tightened around his shaft feeling the sting of him stretching out your pussy. Your groans and pants could be heard out of the room, the air turning thicker the heat radiating off of both of your bodies together. Namjoon felt his balls tightening up because he needed release, looking down at your plump cheeks that jiggled every time his hips met your ass he was a wreck full of lust and need the words from the paddle showing up faintly on your skin that was still bright and agitated. Namjoon gripped at your hips slamming you down more than letting you take the pace at your own speed. Your bound hands behind your back rested against his lower stomach as you wound your hips down against him. He shifted his hips ever so slightly pulling all the way out only to slam you down on his shaft. You were crying out his name, your voice breaking and becoming softer from how hoarse you were. Namjoon breathlessly chuckled, watching as you lost yourself for him his hand moving to slowly pull the beads from you one by one until none were left. You didn’t even need to touch yourself he was ruining you just fine by fucking you. Your breast bounced harshly from the impact of his hips against your ass the soreness of the paddle coming back.

“Daddy may I cum please?” You asked softly and Namjoon hummed in approval not speaking because he himself was on the verge of releasing.

Once he gave you the permission you nodded your head letting your orgasm consume you. Not even having the strength to yell you released a quiet whimper as your stomach clenched, your pussy throbbing as you released once more for him.

“Y/N.. Shit.” Namjoon groaned as he held you down cumming inside of your sore pussy. He rolled his hips gently, the cum sliding down from your entrance. Namjoon pulled you back to him, his arm wrapping around your waist as he kissed up your skin tiredly. The moment was quiet, both of your heart rates going back down to normal. Smiling at yourself you were proud that everything turned out well until the door pushed open.

“Well well. It seems neither of you could have waited for me.” Hoseok accused crossing his hands over his chest as he watched you both.

“It was Namjoon’s fault.” You immediately blurted feeling your insides drop.

“Oh really?” Namjoon questioned pushing his dick deep inside of you causing you to moan out and nod your head. “You little slut.” Namjoon growled pulling out of you. You wiggled trying to get free, and Namjoon got off the bed going to wipe himself clean. Once he was done he stood by Hoseok who looked down at you a disapproving frown etched on his features.

“We will think about your punishment.”

“What do you mean we! He fucked me!” You cried out in protest.

“You touched yourself first. That’s your punishment. Not that he fucked you, we both expected that. But you know the rules about self-pleasure around here.” Hoseok turned to walk away with Namjoon winking at you following him.

“At least untie me! Please daddy.” You pouted jutting out your lower lip. Namjoon looked up at Hoseok and he looked at you.

“No. You have been a bad girl, you need to stay there and think about what you’ve done princess.” And like that you were left alone in the middle of the bed, your fate lying in the hands of two very dominate men.

The Transmedicalist Debate

A simple list of arguments and their answers…


You don’t need dysphoria to be trans”

You do, without the condition you cannot safely transition. If you do not wish to transition, so be it, as transition is not the best option for everyone. This is not an excuse to claim the label of “trans” without having some form of dysphoria.

“Transmeds Gatekeep”

It is important to define the line between one with a medical condition, and one without a medical condition. You can be whoever you want, but if you need validation by assuming a label that is not yours, then the problem is not us gatekeeping but your lack of self validation. 

“I’m not dysphoric because I don’t hate myself”

Dysphoria is not self hatred, it is a feeling of unease towards your primary and/or secondary sex characteristics. This can manifest in discomfort, a lack of recognizing self, or depression and anxiety towards gendered events as your birth gender (example: getting an erection, getting one’s period, having sex, etc ) This is not a be all end all as I am not a doctor and symptoms may manifest in combination.  If you think you may be dysphoric, consult a doctor or therapist.

“Being trans is about identifying differently from your birth sex”

Dysphoria causes one to identify outside their birth sex and desire to physically be a sex one is not. It is almost entirely internal and physical, although “social dysphoria” does exist as an additional symptom. It cannot exist on it’s own with trans people. “Identity” in this argument is often described as a “feeling,” thus one should ask themselves “What does ‘I feel like a man/woman.” really mean. If the answer is exclusively anything but “Having X body parts, X sexual characteristics” then you should seriously consider the possibility that your “gender identity” is caused by external factors (IE sexism, feminist views, etc) or another mental condition (gender dysmorphia, social anxiety, life dysphoria, etc).

“Some people don’t want to transition!! Not everyone needs to transition!!”

In a world where transition is free, transition has no medical side effects, transition has no cosmetic side effects, transition is quick, transition has no societal bias associated with it, transition does not sterilize you, transition could be “non binary”, would you transition? If no to all of the above, you need to find yourself a new label and stop appropriating our condition. 

“Truscum/Transmeds want nonbinary people to die”

There is little no scientific evidence that nonbinary people exist thus far. Our belief is based on science, so it makes sense that some of us are skeptical of nonbinary people. That does not mean we all are, and plenty of us are fine with nonbinary people. Our beef as a community is with nondysphorics, not nonbinary people.

“Gender is an oppressive social construct that must be dismantled”

Sure, but gender to trans people is so much more than gender roles. Our condition doesn’t stem from society. It stems from ourselves and how we see our own bodies, not from how society sees it.

curiosity-killed-the-speedster  asked:

What are some of your favorite Bones recs? I recently got into Star Trek and I've fallen for the doctor :P

Oh lordy, I always hate giving out recs because I always feel like I’m forgetting one, or leaving someone out! And because I am the worst at deciding just singular fics, I will recommend a few of my favorite authors! Please forgive me and do not feel bad if I have left you out. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your stories, its because I have a horrible memory and I apologize, but please feel free to add some of your favorite stories!

@imoutofmyvulcanmind - Masterlist - For the fluff, the angst(so much angst) and the smuts

@bkwrm523Masterlist  - For the gloriously, beautifully written smuts

@mccoymostly  - Masterlist - For the headcannons AND THE ANGST(god the angst) and if you like Mckirk feels.

@outside-the-government - Masterlist - I mean what doesn’t this lovely lady write? Theres tons here! One of the first that inspired me to write again.

@atari-writes - Masterlist - Just a general love for these fics :D great fluff, great smut!

@star-trekkin-across-theuniverse - Masterlist - Also tons of great fics and ficlets, imagines, ect! The other person to inspire me to start writing again as well!

I hope this helps you! :D

3

It’s a good thing I’m wearing the holter monitor. I haven’t been feeling well lately, and I had two episodes with palpitations and chest pain this week. Yesterday, it started in the morning, which is rare.

We have an 8:00 meeting every morning, but I told my boss I had to go lie down. I fell sound asleep until 11:15. My palpitations had died down by then, but I still decided I should go home. I actually went to my sister’s house, because the landlady is remodeling our master bathroom, and it’s loud at our house.

She plied me with fancy sparkling water, and I fell asleep for another couple of hours, while snuggling with her dog Ella. I picked up Phia from school, and then I headed back home, feeling like a wimp but wanting to go lay myself down again.

In the evening, I had heart rates of 120-130 off and on and just didn’t feel well. My stomach was burning too. Later at night it was hard to sleep, because I was so uncomfortable, but I finally crashed. At about 10:30, I woke up in a panic, because I couldn’t breathe. This is so gross, so look away now if you don’t want to know. I had thrown up in my sleep, into my nose. My chest hurt again, and I could feel my heart racing, but it didn’t seem that fast. By the time I cleaned up and it was about 135.

Today I felt like I’d been beaten up yesterday, but I didn’t want to get behind, and didn’t feel that racing chest, so of course I went to work. I called the doctors office to make an appointment, and they made me one for a week from Friday. About five minutes later, the receptionist called back in a little bit of a panic and asked me to come in right away. Evidently my episodes had been sent to their office, and they wanted to see me right away.. I had no idea, but my pulse was 207 when I was sleeping. The doctor was concerned about the severity of it, but it confirmed for sure that I have afib, so that’s good, I guess.

The doctor wanted me to take at least a week off, but I told her that I wouldn’t be that active at work. She insisted that I take at least tomorrow and the weekend off to rest, and then go in on Monday if I feel all right and make sure not to do anything too exerting. That’s kind of ironic, because my pulse was the highest when I was sound asleep, and these episodes seem to come when I am inactive.

Of course I feel like I’m letting my boss down, but my body is definitely telling me to rest. They took a bunch of blood tests today, and they put in a request for an emergency consult with an electrophysiologist, so that should hopefully take place sometime next week. My cardiologist wants me to look into getting another ablation done.

The funny thing is that I started crying when I told Nick about all of this, not because I’m upset, but because I always need reassurance that this isn’t all in my head. At one point the doctor shook my EKGs in my face and said, “this is not imaginary!”

I’m really happy that they caught this on the monitor, and I really hope that the electrophysiologist thinks they can maybe fix this for good.

Meanwhile, I will be lying in bed watching TV. Poor me.

anonymous asked:

Your face has been looking thinner. Are you okay? You look good, I'm worried though.

I do this fun thing where I refuse to move my body when it’s cold out, and so in the summer when I’m out in the woods every day and playing street hockey and going on hikes, I’m in better shape than when I’m just eating candy canes for every other meal and my only real exercise is sprinting to the mailbox in shorts and a T-shirt because I am also too lazy to put on a coat.

Should I go to the gym in the winter so that I don’t constantly fluctuate ten pounds? Probably. Will I? Certainly not. Everyone stares at my ass and it ruins Christmas.

Since weight gain/loss isn’t the result of radical diet change or over exercise, I’m sure it’s relatively normal and just kind of a thing my body does. Besides my asthma, I don’t have any constant, body-related health problems. It doesn’t bother me aesthetically, and it doesn’t feel any different, so eh. My doctor has never been worried, so I’m not.

Thanks for sending this ten times in ten different typing styles as though ten different people are concerned. I appreciate your dedication.

2

Name: She is my sister, Bones!
Pairing: Bones x reader!Kirk’s sister
Summary: the reader is Kirk’s twin sister who he has always taken care of, then one day he comes in Bones’ room, looking for him, and runs in the reader and Leonard cuddling.
Author’s note: yes, I have a lot of requests. I am working on them. But right now I need this type of writing.

“You are warm,” you murmur, pressing your cold hands against Leonard’s neck, and he gasps, leaning back and then returning to you momentarily.

“You are freaking cold!” he grabs your hands and smiles at you. “Why wouldn’t you just wear gloves before going down with Chekov?”

“We were playing snowballs! I had gloves, but they were uncomfortable,” McCoy sighs and rolls his eyes, raising one hand and gently stroking your cheek.

“Such a child,” he wraps his hands around you, pulling you closer and murmuring something about you being a complete idiot. You grin and try not to laugh, feeling absolutely safe and perfect in his arms, sitting on a couch with a huge blanket wrapped around you.

“Leonard?”

“What?” he asks, pretending to be grumpy, but you feel how he carefully strokes your back, trying to pull you as close as possible, to make sure that you are getting warmer.

“Nothing,” you smile. “I am glad you are not mad at me.”

“Of course I am mad! What do you think you are doing, ricking your health? Your brother will take my head off,” he thinks then adds quickly. “Twice.”

“Jim wouldn’t!” you laugh, and McCoy joins you, as you rest your head on his shoulder and close your eyes, pressing your nose against his neck.

“Yeah, he would,” Leonard leans back, still holding you with both hands, and plants a soft kiss on your palm, feeling how you almost curl in a ball in his hands, totally melting in the warmth of his body. “My little stupid Kirk.”

“There are two of us,” you grin. “One is the captain, I bet you wouldn’t call him ‘little’ and ‘stupid’… Would you?”

“You bet I would,” you nod, knowing that he actually would.

“Bones, I’ve been looking for… Oh,” Jim walks in the room and stops, not seeing your face, but clearly understanding that McCoy is having his personal time with a crewman. “Sorry… Doctor McCoy, you are needed in the Sickbay.”

“I am on my rightful break, Jim,” Bones answers, hiding a huge grin by keeping his face behind your head.

“I am sorry, doctor, but I cannot find my sister. I am afraid she may be in trouble,” you honestly are trying not to giggle.

“Jim, I am sure she is fine and having fun. She is a grown person, let her go,” Leonard advises him and presses his lips against your temple.

“She is my sister, I am supposed to take care of her. Will you help me find her?” you roll your eyes - even though Jim in only minutes older than you, he took you as his responsibility.

“Jim, chill!” you turn to him, not pulling away from Leonard even for a second. “I am seriously fine and having more fun than you are.”

“Y/N?” you grin and nod. “Bones?” Bones nods, not trying to pretend that he is ashamed of his hands holding you so possessively. “You two are…”

“Mm-hm.”

“Why?”

“Because your best friend is awesome,” you answer simply, as Leonard tries not to laugh at Jim’s terrified face. “You’d feel worse if I were with Spock, so chill.”

“But… Uhm… I am the captain…”

“And I am your lieutenant. Spending my free time with your doctor. We checked, it’s not forbidden by the law of Mister Spock,” Bones giggles, as you pull away and look at your brother. “Jim, nothing is wrong here.”

“It certainly looks wrong. I… will head back to the Bridge and pretend that I never saw anything,” he storms out of cabin, and you turn to McCoy, both of you trying not to laugh at the thought of his surprised, almost terrified face.

“He reacted well.”

“Better than we expected,” you smile, leaning forward and gently kissing him. Bones quickly kisses you back, then frowns. ‘What’s wrong?”

“Your brother, Y/N… It’s always your brother.”

“What about my tiny ball of brotherly love?” Leonard rolls his eyes, annoyed by your endless love for your brother which will stop you from understanding that Bones is in huge risk of being murdered.

“He may kill me now.”

“I don’t think he will. He is nice and just very caring…”

“So caring, I just felt his glance skin me,” you realize that Kirk did look like he wanted to kill the doctor.

“Oh, don’t overreact, he wouldn’t…” the communicator turns on, and you hear Jim’s voice.

“Doctor McCoy, report to Sickbay. Lieutenant Kirk, report to the Bridge… Now, we have an immediate issue.”

“Of my brother being over-possessive of me,” you whisper, then turn the communicator on. “Yes, captain.”

“Yes, he would, sunshine. Come on, we have to head back to the job,” McCoy helps you up and pulls you close, holding your face with both hands. You have noticed long time ago that after McCoy divorced, his opinion on relationships was rather sceptic, but your relationship really changed him, even though he still was very paranoid about ever letting you go.

“I will see you tonight,” you promise quietly, pressing your lips against his.

“Don’t let your brother do weird stuff, ok?” Leonard asks at the end, smiling at your eyes, locked on his face.

“Promise.”

Breaking...Epilogue PART 1!

Masterlist (If you haven’t seen any of the Repairing shorts, go here please!)

A/N: This isn’t even 1/3 of what the full epilogue is going to end up being. But I am so frustrated about not having posted in like 2 weeks so take this fro suspense I guess??? @marquiis-de-la-baguette you wanted suspense?!

Warnings: Idk maybe language probably???

Wordcount: 2248

Tags!!!:  @midnightokieriete (I know you’re studying ;-;) @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips @sweaterkitty-fluff @pinkyiger7 @littlemissshortcakes @msageofenlightenment @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple @ashwolfcub @myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate @superwholockbooknerd526 @frozengal2013 @itsmikayblr @sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms @hoshihime98 @shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2 (lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7 (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga @rose-coloured-nihilism @okie-dokie-artichokeme @alyssumax @pandartist @marquiis-de-la-baguette @abi-sans05

What was once Broken

Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…

You feel tired.

Beep..Beep..Beep..Beep

Your body is sore.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Your mind is weak.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

You can breathe.

 Your eyes flutter open, there’s a bright light and your eyes can’t focus on it. Philip…where is…where’s Philip? Your eyes were starting to adjust but things were still a bit hazy. You looked to your right and saw a silhouette, warm skin, dark and wavy hair. Angie…? The figure came closer to you and you were met with an emerald green. Wait…Rachel? You blinked away the metaphorical film over your eyes. There she was.

“Oh my God… Oh my God! You’re alive! Oh God…!” She was crying, tears staining a face you had almost forgotten.

“A-Anna…? Where…What’s going on?” You wheezed. She looked tired, like she had stayed up for days.

“We were jumped; don’t you remember?” Yeah, I do remember. I also faintly recall a bullet passing through my skull.  “Some asshole tried to mug us, he pulled out a gun and everything! You saved my fucking life! You gave me a chance to run and call the cops. I heard a gunshot and I thought…I thought you were dead. But when the ambulance came, you were still alive! Apparently the bullet got lodged in the chamber and exploded, you only got some of the fragments. The real problem was that after the shot didn’t work, he used the handle to hit over the head. You’ve been pretty much unconscious for eight days… But you’re awake! You are never allowed to almost die on me again, you hear me?”

“Eight days…?”

“Yeah, we were all starting to think that…that you wouldn’t make it… But on that second night, you woke up for a little bit! It meant you had a chance! I missed you so much, nerd bucket!” she cried, you felt your eyes burn a bit from tears pricking at the edges.

“I missed you too, smarty pants!”

 You had to spend a few extra days in the hospital for observation and that gave you a chance to get caught up. All of your friends and family sent their regards and you were glad to hear from them after so long, but that was the thing. Time was odd for you. The memory of waking up under the lamp post felt like it was four years ago, but the shot happening in the street and the shot from Eacker felt like they just happened. It was like both worlds existed simultaneously for you, and you simply moved yourself between them. You felt like you were forgetting something, there was a gap of time missing from between your second death and you waking up in the hospital. It was blank slate that troubled you. However, something else was bugging you even more. Philip. It was gnawing at you, you didn’t have answers, you hated not having answers. Was it really all just a dream? No, it couldn’t have been! He…he was real… You’d see the sun rise every morning and smile, forgetting that he wasn’t going to say hello to you before breakfast. When the sun would set you’d cry, because you knew that he wouldn’t read you a poem he wrote earlier that day. You were unbelievably depressed, even more than you had been in the past. You lost someone, you sacrificed yourself for them and for what? This loneliness, this feeling of something being missing?

The days felt longer and all you had to do all day was think about him. You wanted answers but had no way of getting them yet. You were lucky to have Anna around, honestly she was the only reason why you’d smile for a while there. You were the one to die, but it felt as if he had. You didn’t have any way of knowing if the world had just reset itself, and truthfully that scared you more. What if none of it happened? None of it mattered? But some things were different, something had to have changed. Your hands, they weren’t calloused from the years of work and writing with a stupid feather. There were no scars on your palms from breaking that fragile teacup. They were exactly how you remembered them to be. You looked into the mirror, Anna warned you not to freak out. All across your right temple and some of that side of your forehead were tiny red indents. According to the doctors, the broken shrapnel hit you and would definitely leave scarring. Every night you looked at the dots and remembered what Philip said to you on that night. ‘Now we match! I have spots on my face and you have some on yours!’ ‘Baby’s breath, it looks like the stars. Well, and you remind me of the stars.’ It felt almost taunting to you.

“I guess now we really do match sunshine…” You heard a knock at your door.

“Come in!” You called out, you heard her voice.

“Hey, sister! I come baring something you’re going to love!” You flinched a bit when you heard Anna call you ‘sister’, you weren’t sure why, that was one of her nicknames for you. It just had an odd sense of familiarity.

“What’s up?” You tried to sound as much like your old self as possible. You felt like you were four years older than your body.

“I got you a lil present!” She skipped over to you and handed you an envelope. “Open it! The anticipation is killing me!” She whined. You chuckled softly and carefully tore it open. Reaching your hand in, you pulled out two small pieces of paper. No…fucking…way! “Hamilton tickets! Richard Rogers Theater, on Broadway!  How much do you love me?” She raised an eyebrow. You were completely astonished.

“How did…when did… Who did you have to kill to get these?” You squealed.

“No killing involved, honey! And when it comes to getting them…let’s just say I know a guy who bought them a long time ago and doesn’t need them anymore.”

“That sounds…ominous. Your eyes are doing that scary glint thing.”

“They are not, my eyes are beautiful and the most impressive shade of hazel you will ever see!” She snapped her fingers.

“For the last time, your eyes are green, they’re only brown on the very edge and honestly it’s closer to a black color.” You two had this fight all the time, it was honestly just an inside joke between you both at this point. She rolled her eyes.

“The doctors said that you could be signed out after in a few more days! We’ll go have a girls’ day out on Wednesday and then finish it all off with the show! Doesn’t that sound awesome?” She sounded so happy and hopeful, you always appreciated her energy.

“Are you sure you can do that? I know you’ve been missing a lot of school because of me, wouldn’t that hurt your grade? How am I supposed to feel when I find out that my best friend’s political career is ruined?”

“Nerd bucket, you don’t need to worry about anything. The teachers adore me and my grades are perfect! Do not ever question my capabilities! Also, Roxanne called this morning, she can’t wait to see you, she’s making cookies for you.” She informed.

“Aw! Roxanne is such a sweetie! Seriously, how did you manage to convince that angel to date you for this long?” You joked. Roxanne was Anna’s girlfriend; they were honestly the perfect couple.

             You got to spend a few more days in the hospital, no phone or anything like that. It got boring very quickly. Luckily you had your theories, those kept your mind going. You wanted to know what happened but you were forced to wait. When you were finally cleared to leave, you had every intention of figuring out what was going on. Unfortunately, that’s not how it went down. Anna was around you the whole day, most of the time was spent at the mall trying to find something to wear. She picked out a flowy, lavender dress with small flowering on the bodice. She snagged a simple, peachy dress that looked amazing on her. You questioned whether you’d be over dressed and she told you that you can never be over dressed. It was odd, putting on a dress that didn’t involve a million years’ worth of undergarments and metal death traps. The two of you went back to the apartment and you were hit with a tsunami of nostalgia. She did your hair and makeup and once the time arrived you left.

“We should’ve left early so we could grab dinner!” You stated, she shook her head mischievously.

“We’re getting diner after the show, I’ve always got more surprises up my sleeve!” She chuckled to herself. Oh my god, and she says I’m a nerd. What a fucking dork! She linked your arms together and hailed a cab, you usually didn’t like to take them because of the traffic but it wasn’t that far since you had walked for a little bit. It wasn’t long before you were standing in front of Richard Rogers Theater and you were completely geeking out. Anna looked at her watch.

“Fuck! I was hoping to get here a bit earlier to check on something! Whatever, let’s just get inside!” She led you by the arm into the theater. Oh my fucking God!! There are the lights! There’s the stage! LOOK AT THAT SET!! You both took your seats, which were surprisingly good, and waited anxiously.

“This is literally the second coolest thing to ever happen to me!” You said giddily.

“Well, get ready sweetheart! It’s about to be number one!” The lights went down and the whole audience was submerged in darkness for a moment. I still remember the words…this is so weird. The show began, the familiar melody of the opening song filled the room. A man with dark skin appeared on the stage.

Burr: “How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a

Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten

Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor

Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?”

Wow…he looks just like…Wait! More people were flooding onto the stage from different points.

Laurens: “The ten-dollar Founding Father without a father

Got a lot farther by working a lot harder

By being a lot smarter

By being a self-starter

By fourteen, they placed him in charge of a trading charter.”

Philip? This time, you did feel your thought fall from your lips. That looks…

Jefferson: “And every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted

Away across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up

Inside, he was longing for something to be a part of

The brother was ready to beg, steal, borrow, or barter.”

I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOU JEFFERSON, I’M HAVING A CRISIS RIGHT NOW!

Madison: “Then a hurricane came, and devastation reigned

Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain

Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain

And he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain.”

I haven’t seen you in a while…Mulligan? Madison? Shit I’m confused now. The song continued, your curiosity growing at every face that reminded you of someone else, someone you knew, someone you loved. And then you wondered more and more about that man. He looks like my sunshine… But for some reason, it didn’t feel right. You didn’t get the butterflies in your stomach when you looked at this person, it was like he had the cover of a book you adored but it ended up being a different tale entirely. You felt that the song was going to end soon.

Mulligan/Lafayette: “We fought with him.”

Philip: “Me? I lost for him.”

Angelica/Eliza/???: “Me? I loved him.”

Burr: “And me? I’m the damn fool that shot him.”

Lost? I thought that line was ‘I died for him’? Did he get it wrong? The song ended as you finished that thought. The rest of Act 1 played through and you were blown away by how incredible it was. There were so many things that reminded you of your time with them. It was bittersweet. Act 2 came in with a bang. Thomass Jeffershit! The man playing him got his looks and personality down to the T. Take a break came on and you couldn’t help but giggle at the person playing Philip. He really was my poet… When Say No to This faded in, chills ran down your spine. Nope, don’t want to think about that! Weird train of thought! WEIRD TRAIN OF THOUGHT!! Everything was going along normally until Cabinet Battle #2 ended. You were expecting to hear the words of Aaron Burr in Washington On Your Side, but another, familiar sound faded in. What is this? Doesn’t a different song break up the narrative of following along with the Washington theme?! There was some sort of hasty knocking sound, the woman playing Eliza ran in with someone draped under her arm. It was the woman who played Peggy and Maria, except her outfit was different. She had a cloth tied around her head, her dress was much flatter than the other and was white like the ensemble characters. There was a purple slip over the top of it but it had an opening on the front to show the white part. Who in the hell…?

Feelings (PT Diaries, Episode 17)

Requested by @boo-boocmfHey, Marta I absolutely love the PT story with Evgeni Malkin and I was wondering if the next one could be where Y/n sees Geno in a different light (meaning in a romantic way) and she is very confused by it. Thanks love all blog.

A/N: Okay peeps, I’m ashamed about how bad this is. This was supposed to be a cute chapter and it turned out like shit. I’m so sorry.

Word count: 682

Warnings: short. one bad word. it’s awful.

Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7  Episode 8  Episode 9  Episode 10  Episode 11  Episode 12  Episode 13  Episode 14  Episode 15   Episode 16

Master list

Originally posted by ehghtysevenarchive

Go to bed, Geno.” I type, hitting send and resting my phone on my stomach.

I look at the TV in front of me, the girl and the guy in the movie are already kissing so I’ve missed a big chunk of the movie. I was having a me night when Geno texted me; I had taken a bubble bath, ordered takeout from my favorite place, poured a nice glass of wine and chosen a stupid romcom to watch. Geno just wanted to check the time he should be at pool tomorrow for his first swimming therapy session, but we have just kept texting for hours.

You go to bed.” His response to my text makes me chuckle. He is like a little kid sometimes.

I’m watching my movie.” I send back, taking a sip of wine while staring at the screen.

You are not watching it.” He just says.

Yes, I am.” I complain, trying to focus on the movie for two seconds before looking back at my phone.

Net, vy ne (No, you aren’t).” I roll my eyes, opening google translator and typing what he’s said.

Google translator is shit.”  I complain, trying to make any sense of the translation that it’s given to me.

Learn Russian.” He responds and I groan, giving up on whatever he has said before.

Go to bed or I’ll kick your ass tomorrow.” I type quickly, adding a couple of flexing arms emojis.

Geno doesn’t answer back for a few minutes, so maybe he’s doing what I’ve said after all. I drink up what it’s left of my wine and focus on the movie, trying to catch up with the plot of it. It isn’t that hard, it is the typical romcom where a girl meets a guy, they hate each other at first but then they fall in love. I’m starting to get into the movie when my phone vibrates against my stomach; I pick it up to find a selfie of Geno lying on his bed, shirtless.

Bed.” That’s the caption underneath the picture.

I shake my head, biting my lower lip before opening up my camera and taking a picture of my legs covered with a blanket and the TV.

Sleep.” It’s my caption.

He sends a bunch of sleeping emojis and I laugh, sending the same amount of waving hands and kissy faces.

Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” I send out and then realized it. I’m so fucked.

I drop my phone on my lap, looking at the wall but not really seeing anything. Realization has hit me like a train and now my mind is racing at a thousand miles per hour and I have no brakes to stop me; I actually can’t wait to see Geno. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that it isn’t the first time that it has happened… I’ve run to the rink on my days off because he got hurt, I’ve gone to the doctor with him, I’ve driven him home… and I didn’t have to do those things.

I’m overwhelmed but the amount of feelings that are washing over me like waves. What are those feelings? What am I feeling? It isn’t love, but it isn’t a friendship either and it absolutely isn’t a professional relationship, two people that are just coworkers don’t do what Geno and I do. But it is wrong.

“What the actual fuck, (y/n)?” I mutter to myself, trying to control my breathing, which has become erratic.

This whole thing is wrong. It is unprofessional. I cannot have feelings for a player. It is out of line. It could ruin everything I’ve worked for. It could ruin Geno’s career. It can make him feel uncomfortable. He probably doesn’t feel the same way.

I start pacing around, trying to shake the feelings out of my body like they are just dust, but I can’t. The whole thing is making me so anxious that I don’t see my phone lighting up with a text.

I can’t wait to see you too, (y/n).”