because i actually am incapable of stopping

Reclaim Your Blame: A Shadow Work Exercise

NOTE: This exercise is not intended to attribute the faults of others to oneself. It is a means of reflecting on your own projections and revealing why certain experiences and the behavior of others trigger you in the way they do. Bear in mind I am no authority on this topic. The views expressed in this article are based on my personal experiences, cumulative beliefs, and independent research. Always heed to my guidance at your own discretion.

This is an exercise I’ve been doing for quite sometime now, before I even realized it was what is considered “shadow work”. It can be done at any time, in the heat of the moment or in retrospect. 

The Objective

The purpose of this exercise is not to beat yourself up or blame yourself for anything, it is simply to retract the judgment you place on others and analyze how it reflects the way you feel about yourself subconsciously or the aspects of your subconscious that need attention.

I’d like to stress that even if there is truth to an accusation, that doesn’t make it exempt from this exercise. The fact that we acknowledge truth isn’t what poses the problem, it’s how we process it– it’s how we react to the truths we acknowledge that sheds light on our subconscious tendencies.

The Method

When you find yourself pointing your finger at someone for something or blaming others for how you feel, reclaim that accusation. Contemplate what aspects of yourself are eliciting an unpleasant reaction to what someone else said, did, didn’t do, what have you. If you dig deep enough, you will find that in every accusation is a faint reflection of yourself. 

The points to keep in mind while doing this exercise are:

the catalyst- the external experience that triggered you,

the reaction- the feeling the catalyst evoked, 

the accusation- the way in which you imposed your reaction on the other.

Essentially, you want to discover the aspects of your own condition that are being reflected in the overall experience. Consider the various factors at play. Engage in a series of questions in order to dig to the bottom of things. This may take some time, but eventually you should be able to unearth a core issue.

Personal Example

I’m not going to walk through a whole line of questioning as I normally would, but I will elaborate what I’ve discovered about myself through this particular accusation, which will hopefully give you a basic idea of the mechanics of this exercise. 

Sometimes my partner does not cater to my needs as I expect (i.e. think I deserve). This often triggers a feeling of being undervalued, which ultimately translates to anger and frustration. I then feel compelled to accuse him of being inconsiderate and selfish.

What I have found in regards to this example is that I commonly experience an underlying theme in my relationships (romantic especially) in which I feel I’m not treated the way I should be or as well as I treat the other person. I tend to pour a great deal of my energy into my relationships, leaving almost nothing for myself, so when the other doesn’t provide sufficient support to bridge that gap, I feel I’m being cheated… because after all, “I put so much forth. Why shouldn’t I get the same in return?” *self-pitying sobs*

It ultimately comes down to me being negligent of the basic needs that I could very well provide myself, such as respect, consideration, and integrity. This serves as a poor foundation for my sense of self-worth, which provokes me to compensate by seeking external validation. I [subconsciously] look to others to make up for what I neglect (or don’t know how to) provide for myself. But this only creates a self-perpetuating cycle. I over-extend myself in order to [unnecessarily] accommodate others so as to ensure that I receive their approval. When I don’t see that I’m getting the desired validation, I get upset and feel as if I am being undervalued. In fact, I am being undervalued, but not necessarily by others– I am undervaluing myself by not taking the initiative to cultivate this sense of validation internally. 

In a way, I’m actually being the very things I’m accusing others of being. I am being selfish because I am treating them as a means to compensate for my own internal deficit, as a way to feel better about myself. I am being inconsiderate in the sense that I am not stopping to consider (or forwardly ask) why they don’t adhere to my standards of behavior before immediately blaming them for “hurting my feelings”– they may not be fully aware of my expectations, how to fulfill them, or they may be in a place that renders them incapable of doing so, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are inconsiderate and selfish, or that they don’t love or appreciate me. Overall, I am disregarding their individuality. I am being insensitive to the other’s internal condition and any unseen factors that may be influencing them not to provide the quality of support I expect. 

So I’ve identified a pattern in my reactions– I feel undervalued (which poses a threat to my big stupid stereotypical Leo ego), then anger takes over as a means of defense, and finally I begin displacing the blame onto those I have relationships with. If this accusation is left unchecked, then the distance grows. I recede from the other because they reflect parts of myself Ego doesn’t like to acknowledge. But Shadow is still there, behind Ego, flailing its arms back and forth trying to show me how to resolve it, hence the continued pattern. 

The impression that I undervalue myself and that as a result I can be selfish and inconsiderate as a means to compensate is the core issue that I need to tackle from here.

The Premise 

When we focus solely on how others are to blame for our mental/emotional flares, we are diverting focus from the aspects of ourselves that are calling for awareness. Doing this habitually will ultimately cultivate recurring reactions that will be aroused and reinforced by various unrelated encounters, molding our perspectives and influencing our emotions in a way that perpetuates the experience of feeling [blank] so as to eventually draw conscious attention to our internal afflictions.

Reclaiming the blame (or perception) we impose on others allows us to use it as a mirror and discover the underlying issues that spur the reaction experienced, paving the way for us to reconcile ourselves and thus neutralize said reaction. 

anonymous asked:

Can anyone point me in the direction of this character development for tsukiyama? I really don't mean any disrespect, but I obviously need something to open up my eyes, 'cuz I'm not seeing it. He went from I'd eat anyone as long as they appeal to me! to I smelled that guy now I'm obsessed and he died so Imma die too cuz I can't get on that. I don't know, he just sounds like one of those guilt tripping Nice Guys to me :( if anyone says but he cares for ken i'm not here for that,he wants dinner

Whether you decide to answer that or not, I’ll respect your opinion, cuz I respect you a whole lot, and I like your meta-breakdowns, so I’m asking. Thanks, in advance

Anon, I appreciate your kind words but I have to disagree with how you’re framing this in your mind. Maybe I can give you a different frame of reference for Tsukiyama’s actions. 

Now, I adore Tsukiyama but I haven’t read the novels and so I am not as up to speed on his (former) character as other tumblr users. There are other metas about him from people who have read the novels, and you’re welcome to look those up for reference. But from what I can tell, there are two components to your question:

1) How has Tsukiyama’s character developed through the manga?

2) Is Tsukiyama following the “Nice Guy” trajectory, or does he give a damn about Kaneki? (I know you said you’re not here for the idea that he cares about Ken, but that raises the question, so.)

So I will address them in that order. 

Tsukiyama’s Character Development

It’s undoubtable that when Tsukiyama was first introduced, he was interested in Kaneki for one reason only–he wanted to eat him. 

He was a nuisance. Touka said so, and I am sure she wasn't’ the only one who felt that way. Lest we forget, the “Gourmet” was one of the reasons why the CCG decided to increase Dove presence in the 20th Ward, so Tsukiyama was clearly bringing some very unwanted attention. Then, he went on to try and eat Kaneki, going so far as to make him one of the dishes available at his ghoul restaurant. 

When Kaneki fights back and breaks Taro’s arm, Tsukiyama is pleased…he’s pleased that Kaneki was able to think clearly in the situation, was able to fight back, and was able to provide entertainment for his guests. 

Did Tsukiyama care about Kaneki at this point? No. Absolutely not. He just wanted to impress his guests by providing a good show. But Tsukiyama did save Kaneki, only to make him a meal of his own. Tsukiyama selfishly wanted to have Kaneki to himself. He did not want to share him with the others. So he made a new plan. He lured Kaneki into a church so that he could eat him there. I am not going to examine this part too closely…we know that Tsukiyama selfishly wanted to eat Kaneki himself, and that he was beaten. But there is one part I would like to draw attention to:

“I do not have any memories of ever being broken.”

Just….keep that quote in your back pocket, for now. 

Of course, as we know, Kaneki was kidnapped by Aogiri and then tortured by Jason. When Anteiku decided to try and rescue Kaneki, they knew that they needed all of the assistance that they could get. One of the people who chose to help them was Tsukiyama. Now, obviously, going on this mission meant risking their lives. So Tsukiyama was risking his life, but still only for a meal. He wanted to eat Kaneki. He wanted to consume the creature who had managed to evade him twice, while intriguing him so. He wanted to make Kaneki his, and he didn’t want any of those Aogiri assholes to eat the meal he’d worked so hard to obtain. He was willing to put his life on the line for his dinner. Did Tsukiyama care about Kaneki as a person at this point? No. You could argue that there was some more intense, subliminal stuff going on, but for all intents and purposes, for all that we know, Tsukiyama just wanted his dinner. 

After Kaneki is rescued, Banjou pledges himself as Kankei’s Sheild, and in response, Tsukiyama pledges himself as Kaneki’s Sword.

Kaneki accepts this, but warns Tsukiyama that any unnecessary actions will not be tolerated. Tsukiyama is turned on by this, and wants to eat Kaneki even more.

Time passes. The next several chapters focus on Amon, Akira, Shinohara, and Juuzou, which a little bit about Hide. When we see Tsukiyama and Kankei again, it is in a flashback. Tsukiyama appears to be up to his usual hijinks…

He proceeds to help Kaneki murder and cannibalize all of his “friends.” Though he may not have felt much affection or loyalty toward them, he had known these ghouls for a very long time. This is the first time I would claim true development of character. Why? Because Tsukiyama is more loyal to Kaneki, or to his desire for Kaneki, than he is to those he has known for a long time. Remember, the first time he brought Kaneki into the restaurant, he merely killed a scrapper. Scrappers are considered pets, so while it was violent, it wasn’t even remotely similar to killing a fellow ghoul. In this case, he didn’t kill one ghoul…he killed hundreds. 

This is development because his devotion to Kaneki is growing. This is confirmed a few pages later when we see…

Him acting as essentially a bodyguard to Kaneki. 

Him referring to Kaneki as his “master”…

Him admiring Kaneki, and standing back while Kaneki takes down his enemies.

Now, there’s way much here to give pictures for, but as that chapters go on, we see that Tsukiyama is working side by side with Kaneki. He is bankrolling Kaneki, providing him with a home, getting him into the places that he needs to be, going along with all of Kaneki’s plans, and not trying to eat him. It could be argued that this is all a part of Tsukiyama’s plans, but I think at this point - spending all of his time on Kaneki, spending vast amounts of money on Kaneki, designing Kaneki’s clothing (where did he get the new centipede eyepatch? His new clothes? we know he designed Kaneki’s sexy af battlesuit) - it’s safe to say that Tsukiyama’s interest has….outgrown what he would do for a meal. 

He considers the people in Kaneki’s squad to be his friends, and he is lonely.

Later, we see him confused when Kaneki left him behind at the hospital, and fighting at Kaneki’s side, even sustaining physical damage from Naki on Kaneki’s behalf. 

This goes on. He follows Kaneki everywhere, and he does everything at his side. He never once tries to eat him, though he keeps acting like that is what he’s getting at. Then, after the incident with Kanou when Kaneki goes half-kakuja and hurts, Banjou, he’s very depressed. He wont leave his room. It is Tsukiyama that dares to enter, and this is some of what happens.

Apparently, he has observed Kaneki so closely that he knows the one thing that can cheer him up: novels. And Kaneki goes from this:

To this:

In a matter of hours. 

To cheer up Hinami, Tsukiyama takes her out for tea:

Showing that he’s not only well behaved when Kaneki is watching, but when he doesn’t particularly stand to gain anything. Now, of course, Tsukiyama is still claiming to himself that he is just working to acquire Kaneki as a meal.

Yes, Tsukiyama is creepily sniffing his Kaneki-cloth, But actions speak louder than words, do they not? And Tsukiyama hasn’t done anything to actually harm Kaneki in almost over 6 months at this point. In fact, everything that he has been doing has been to help Kaneki and those who surround Kaneki. And he knows it.

What he doesn’t seem to realize yet, is why.

Kaneki chooses to return to Anteiku, and tells his “family” that he is going and that he would like them to join him. 

Tsukiyama claims, within his own mind, that though Kaneki is a lot of trouble, he’s still “good spice,” and therefore worth following. 

But lets consider this for a moment. At this point, Tsukiyama has risked his life several times, allowed his friends to be killed and cannibalized, bankrolled Kaneki, taken pains to cheer him up when he’s down, fought by him at his side. He’s made friends with Kaneki’s friends. He’s done everything that he possibly could do for Kaneki. 

At this point, do you really, honestly believe that this has anything to do with wanting a meal?

Then the Anteiku raid begins. And this is where Tsukiyama has his moment of truth. Kaneki is intent on sacrificing himself for his friends. Tsukiyama…well…

Tsukiyama has seen Kaneki fight. He has seen Kaneki’s struggle. He’s given everything in his power to help Kaneki. And now Kaneki is throwing his life away on a battle that he can not win. Tsukiyama still says he wants to eat him, but you can not convince me that is his motivation in this scene. He’s hysterical. He’s in massive distress. He doesn’t want to lose someone that he’s actually come to love. 

That’s right. I am saying that Tsukiyama actually loves Kaneki, and that his actions in this seen are borne from that love. 

He’s devastated because he can’t stop Kaneki.

And if you need more proof, Kaneki himself thanks Tsukiyama for trying to stop him. Because in that moment, Kaneki knows that Tsukiyama isn’t trying to hurt him, and he isn’t trying to kill him. In that moment, he knows that Tsukiyama was trying to stop him because he cares about him. And Tsukiyama was willing to throw his life away for that. 

And honestly, he does. Losing Kaneki, but even worse, being incapable of stopping him from throwing his own life away, literally destroys Tsukiyama. He doesn’t move, for how long we don’t know. He doesn’t eat for three years. That’s not mourning a lost meal. That’s grief. That’s devastation. That’s coming from a place of deep, deep love. 

And this is where point 2 comes in.

The “nice guy” trope pattern is as follows: Nice Guy falls in lust, Nice Guy does nice things for object of lust, object rejects Nice Guy, and Nice Guy flies into a rage and aims to hurt the object. 

But by this time, Kaneki is not an object to Tsukiyama. If Kaneki was an object, Tsukiyama would not have gone three years without eating. He would not have been devastated. He would have actually tried to hurt Kaneki, instead of just losing his shit and falling impotently to the ground. If Tsukiyama only cared about Kaneki as a meal, he would not have lost literally every aspect of his identity when Kaneki threw his life away. 

Somewhere between agreeing to be Kaneki’s sword and begging him not to go for dear life, Tsukiyama Shuu fell deeply in love with him. He started out at the Nice Guy, but he ended up being the tragic half of love unrequited. And in the end, Kaneki understood that Tsukiyama’s attack came from a place of love, not lust or hunger, but love. That’s why he thanked him. 

Before Kaneki, Tsukiyama was a carefree, hedonistic ghoul with very little conscience to speak of. Kaneki changed him in a way that Tsukiyama still can’t come back from. And despite his connections, his money, his energy, his efforts, and his love, he couldn’t stop Kaneki from throwing himself at the mercy of the CCG. And that devastated him. 

I hope that you read all of this, anon, it’s taken me two hours to write. But if you read all of this and still think that Tsukiyama hasn’t developed as a character, at the very least, then I don’t even know what to tell you. To me, it’s entirely clear that Tsukiyama both developed like crazy AND fell in love with Kaneki. I hope that, at the very least, you can understand where I am getting this viewpoint from. 

When the bottom of page 91 happens
  • Will: I apologize for my boyfriend.
  • Me: *screams*
  • Me: *throws books*
  • Me: *cries real tears of joy*
  • Mom: *walks into room* are you o-
  • Me: *flops around on floor* sOlaNgElooOOoOo
  • Mom:
  • Mom:
  • Me:
  • Mom: That's a Percy Jackson thing isn't it?
  • Me: *nods because I am incapable of speech*
  • Mom: *sighs*
  • Mom: *yells to Dad* don't dial 911, she's fine, just reading another book.
awake my soul

Fandom: Sense8
Pairing: Will x Riley
Words: ~11,000 because apparently I am incapable of writing anything short

Summary: When Riley is 10 she is given a diary to share with 8 people around the world. (or, Riley finds a family and learns how to live again)

Basically pen pal AU/Internet AU everything hurts but is also kinda happy??

Featuring: Actual puppy Will Gorski, a really sad Riley (Magnus gets a substantial mention), a red journal and a wedding.

Read on AO3.

So, what is it with this idea that it’s okay to be horribly sexist, ableist, classist, fat-phobic, etc. at people just because those people have horrible views we disagree with? And why is it that any protest against this is always met with “SO WHAT YOU FEEL SORRY FOR PALIN/BACHMANN/[INSERT HOMOPHOBE HERE]”

First of all, I maintain that nobody–nobody–deserves to be attacked using bigotry and oppression. I don’t care what they did. Nobody deserves it.

Second, the main reason I oppose arguments like these is not actually because I “feel sorry” for their targets, but because good, innocent people get hit with the splash damage of your boring and pointless attacks. People like my friends and me. Stop putting me in the same category as Sarah Palin by calling conservative extremists “crazy.” Stop putting me in the same category as religious believers by calling them “mentally ill.” I am crazy and mentally ill but I do not have unreasonable regressive political views and I do not believe in god.

Third, it’s just a bad argument. It just is. It suggests–accurately or otherwise–that you’re incapable of refuting these people’s actual beliefs, so instead you’re going for cheap emotional shots against them and playing that for laughs. HUR HUR SARAH PALIN IS SUCH A CRAZY HYSTERICAL BITCH AMIRITE LOL CHRIS CHRISTIE IS FAT HAHA FAT PEOPLE. Wow. Such argument. Much reason. 

If you want to make fun of Republicans or whatever, make fun of Republicans or whatever, but leave bigotry out of it. We don’t need any more of that. I’m not going to do the annoying false equivocation thing and claim that this makes you “just as bad” as them, because it doesn’t, because they’re actively taking rights away from other people and you’re (probably) not, but bigoted stereotypes and insults will never lose their meaning and their painfulness if we continue to use them against people we don’t like. 

Every time you call Sarah Palin a crazy bitch, the people around you get the message that it’s okay to call me a crazy bitch, too.