because do I have to explain why

anonymous asked:

TUAF when someone makes food you love, but they make it with a Bad(tm) ingredient and you don't know how to explain how you can't eat it so you just suffer and eat the food you like really really painfully slowly because you have to avoid the tiny bits of evil floating around in it. If you put onions in the pot of beans, or you put tomatoes on that grilled cheese I will cry, why would you do that? It was so yummy until you made it awful! You ruined happy safe food?!

A. Lenny is not going to treatment, he doesn’t qualify, YAY.
B. My wife having a moment of unemployment is amazing bc she’s just handling shit on the home front. I truly hope whatever the new gig is it comes with flexibility.
C. When people exclaim over how many kids we have, there is no nonjudgmental-sounding way of saying, “I have a sense of urgency about this because children need homes. I cannot stand by, with empty beds in my home, while kids are sleeping in the CPS office.”

Like, why DON’T you do something? How can you stand this?! But everyone has a sense of urgency over different things (how CAN you buy a van with the ice caps melting?!), so I take deep breaths and explain that our county is in a state of emergency. I mentioned kids in shelter beds and another person actually asked, what shelters are there for kids?! Umm… There are 3-4 in our moderately sized city and another an hour away.

MEDICAL PSA TO MY FOLLOWERS BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT AND IT’S NOT TALKED ABOUT:

So I have to say this in case one of my followers ever experience this or ever experience someone else going through this. IT IS SCARY AS SHIT so let me explain: 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS CALLED…… but I’m kind of stressed today (and by kind of I mean very stressed and anxious) because my mom has this thing where if she gets too stressed she can spiral into this mental thing in her brain that makes her repeat herself over and over, specifically asking “What day is it?”. ( I never had any triggers but now I hear those words and get very anxious oops). 

She did this once before a few years ago and it is a very traumatic thing for the person going through it, though it’s actually something that’s normally harmless and just scary for everyone involved. (note: it can be related to a stroke but generally 80% if not more of people who go through this- which isn’t that common by the way- are generally completely healthy). 

The person will sort of do what a computer does when it glitches and can’t access a file. The person’s short term memory gets rather out of whack. The person gets confused, forgets things sometimes remembers things from the day previous (like a show they watched) and sometimes forgetting entire months that have passed and the entire time they are aware that something is wrong but they don’t know how to handle it because they are incapable of it at the time so they kind of freak out, hence asking “what day is it” over and over and over and over……. Sometimes they will ask it every five seconds and be incapable of retaining any short term memory and sometimes they’’ll remember in longer bursts before repeating themselves.

And MOST of the time it’s caused by either physical injury (more typical of men) or emotional upheaval (more typical of women) but is always believed to be caused by STRESS in general.

So here is how my morning went- I went to bed at 6am because I had to clean the kitchen and make it nice or I’d be in trouble because haha I forgot to do it HA. I go to bed and I’m woken up at ten am (four ish hours of sleep) to find my mother is once again going through this and I KNOW she’s going to be ok and she’s already coming out of it which is good. Normally this thing lasts anywhere from 16 to 24 hours but she came out of it pretty well in a few hours because she went through it before and actually recognized it was happening. She freaked out and cried a lot and thought this happened often (which it didn’t, this is the second time and we think maybe her dreaming about having it is what triggered it because it was such a scary emotional traumatic thing for her the first time) so she came out of it faster. 

HOWEVER if you ever experience this, even if the person is aware of what happened and is calm about it and feels like they are not in that state any more (because the one afflicted generally knows when they are out of it and back to remembering), they might continue to ask a few things because their short term memory isn’t fully reset yet. The not remembering everything 100% can last a couple weeks but not in a BAD way- basically she did not remember what it was like during her time at the hospital when it first happened and she did not remember my sister’s birthday until two weeks later when she remembered it with great clarity and was surprised to know that she had forgotten. 

So I am an anxious ball of tiredness (because I couldn’t nap like this) BUT I NEEDED TO WRITE IT OUT.

You all need to know IF THIS EVER HAPPENS:

IT’S OK TO FREAK OUT BUT DO NOT MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FREAK OUT. The one going through it gets WORSE the more they stress. The more CALM you can keep them the faster they get out of it. YES you can call the hospital and they might recommend you take them in just in case and that can be difficult to do because experience shows that it makes the person even more scared which makes it last longer. but try your hardest to make sure they know that they’re ok and reassure them they;re not crazy and that this kind of thing isn’t permanent. 

We let our mom sit on the chair and cry it out and reassured her over and over and over and over that yes she is ok, yes she has only had this twice, yes she is doing far better than the last time, yes she is going to be ok. AND LET ME TELL YOU IT IS TERRIFYING AND YOU HAVE TO STAY CALM WHICH CAN BE REALLY REALLY REALLY SCARY. 

So yeah. Typing all this out helped my anxiety on the matter and I am REALLY hoping that if any of you, any of my followers ever come across this, PLEASE know its OK to be scared, it’s OK and if you ever find yourself experiencing this loop YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK. It will be scary… cry it out, and don’t fight it too much ok? If you think about it too hard it makes it more scary and I know the first urge is to freak and you will but know you’re going to be ok. My mom’s been through this twice and yes it’s hella scary but she’s ok and there’s nothing wrong with her mentally. She’s perfectly fine. 

Also this kind of thing is generally NOT linked to dementia so if you have it happen it doesn’t mean you’re going demented or will forget everything or whatever. In fact your long term memory during the event is actually still 100% fine. 

So yeah… just… please read this and know this is a thing and know it;s scary but everything is going to be ok and now I feel like I need to sleep for ten years to work off my nerves.

anonymous asked:

No, I'm not hendall stan. I ship haylor. and I'm not lying.

I’ve had three “haylor” shippers sending me asks today saying that it’s either dead or that they don’t want them to get back together again, are you sure you guys ‘ship’ them? 😂

Look I’m guessing you’re not a regular reader of my blog because if you are, you wouldn’t be asking this question. I’m not in the mood to explain stuff right now, but I’m just saying that of course Harry and Taylor aren’t gonna show they even know each other in public (sans the rare moments they do like Harry’s 22 tweet this year), they’ve been that way since 2013! They’re
just naturally guarded about their friendship since years ago, lots of people have picked that up and commented on it, accepted it – so why are people still expecting anything else from them?? But no matter how private they are, in the end we will always get songs from each other, ABOUT each other. So *obviously* they’ve had experiences we don’t see in public, they’re in contact with each other privately and shit, there’s no need for them to flaunt their friendship/situationship to the general public.

See they’ve always had a pattern (or, leave behind a trace) when it comes to their ‘situationship’ that me and my mutuals have picked up, something since 2012, and right now that ‘pattern’ is very clear and visible. Back in 2013, how we tracked their interactions were through investigating their mutual friends, where they hung out, things they do that are similar to each other, etc. Right now, their mutual friend circle overlap is the most glaring right now – especially the Nashville gang – Lily Aldridge, Jessie Baylin, Nathan Followill, KOL guys.

Taylor hung out with Lily in March and April in LA in Malibu, while Harry was the studio in LA writing songs with Lily’s sister-in-law Jessie Baylin, the KOL guys mentioned both Taylor and Harry in their recent interviews for their new album, Harry liked Jessie’s IG post of a pen and paper, Taylor was hanging out with Lily last week in Nashville supporting the KOL guys at the Food&Wine festival where Jessie Baylin was also present, etc. Lily liked all three of Harry’s covers today (which is interesting because Taylor’s been spending so much time with Lily lately).

Last Saturday Taylor was in LA hanging in a party with a crowd full of Harry friends – James Corden, Cindy Crawford, Mick Jagger (SPEAKING OF MICK JAGGER….) etc. Ryan Tedder was referencing Ed, Harry and Taylor in his radio interview in May. Nick Grimshaw even had a Haylor joke yesterday on his radio show, which is interesting because if Hendall is more alive right now, why did he allow Haylor talk? Lou Teasdale, Harry’s close friend supported Taylor publicly during the Kanye/Kim feud.

I mean these are some things to go on about, if there’s a mutual friend overlap I’m pretty sure they’ve hung out or are at least communicating on the phone. Or, even if you’re really skeptical – they’re at least on good terms. Just because you don’t see it directly doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Anyways this post is inflated enough, lemme just stop right now.

anonymous asked:

Hi Igor, May I ask you a simple but important question for me: Which camera do you use normally? I'll try to explain why I'm asking you. I have a DSLR camera, a Canon 6D. It was and still is a very powerful and useful camera indeed. The thing is that I can't use it in everything I'd like to because of the limited range of lenses I own. Do you think it would worth to sell my old camera in way to replace it with a point and shoot?

Don’t sell your camera! I myself use a compact DSLR (Sony NEX-5N) and as you said having a DSLR can be really useful even if you want to ditch digital for analog. I’d recommend you to save up to get a point and shoot if you really want one. You should take a look at the Contax T2.

anonymous asked:

i'm sorry if you've been asked this a few times but i feel like lately I've been ruining most of my friendships because of my impulses and mood shifts and it sucks because they were really close friends and in the moment I'm like "if they can't handle me the way I am then I don't want you in my life" and I split on them but now I'm starting to feel really bad and guilty. I guess my question is, what should I say if I gather up the courage to approach them and explain my side of things?

I can relate to this. I know that guilt and going back to them to make amends. If you gather up the courage and strength, I hope you do, sit them down and explain why things happen if they don’t already know you have bpd. Like “I’m really impulsive because…” or “I’m sorry if my mood shifts around a lot, but it’s because…” just try to get them to understand. I’m sure that because they’re close to you that they’ll understand. I hope that they do.
~Mod Ace

anonymous asked:

Are there any ship you don't like? Overwatch ones.

Most ships I’m either ambivalent toward or make me go, “hey, cute!” and that’s about it. I have the main OTP and a few lesser ships I casually enjoy, and then the rest are kind of ehh I guess. As a rule, I don’t ship the main OTP with anyone else because I’m weird and it makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason, so there’s that.

As for actively disliking, there is one ship in particular that very much rubs me the wrong way and I have it actively blacklisted because of past personal baggage / abuse I endured a long time ago. I’m not too keen on naming it or further explaining why I don’t like it because 1) I don’t want to talk poorly about a ship, 2) I don’t want followers of mine to feel uncomfortable about me doing so, and 3) opening old wounds never helps.

So, the answer is yes, but I don’t plan on talking about it here.

okay i’m logging out again because i’m upsetting my friends and i rly don’t want them to hate me and i’m genuinely sorry for upsetting ppl i was gonna keep up doing the block list and safe dc blogs list but i don’t?? even feel safe continuing to do that bc it’s just making people hate me? this isn’t a vague i’m just trying to explain why this blog is probably goin to be completely inactive

i just remade my skype so you can message me @ live:superboyvapes there just lmk who you are ok?? i hope u all have good days and i love u i hope something good happens to u

if i make another personal i’ll make a post here so people can know but other than that i probably won’t post here like at all

i’d like to explain a few things about why people reblog their own posts

  • making gifs and edits is hard, okay. it might seem easy to you, but try doing it yourself and you’ll have much more respect for people making stuff on tumblr
  • when you put a lot of effort in creating something, it’s only natural that you want it to be acknowledged by people
  • t i m e z o n e s. we’re all from different timezones and when you post something, it might not get any notes because most people were asleep at the moment
8

for those who still do not understand why true love’s kiss didn’t work, let me explain further. it didn’t work because emma wants this as belle said, therefore it’s not a curse. and as rumple said she likes the taste of darkness. which she doesn’t deny cause she knows the kissed would have worked if she hated it. cause she truly does love killian & considers him her true love. if the darkness did not overpower the light it would have broken the curse. but unfortunately for now it does. so for the billionth time emma & killian are still true love. rumple knows it, belle knows it, and of course they know it. even without any proof they believe they are each other’s true love. which after three years it’s time everyone accepts it. stop reaching.

so in conclusion: the writers are clearly setting them up for a successful TLK but also showing us emma has to do what rumple never did while he was the dark one “choose love over power.” but ultimately it has to be HER choice as killian said in the premiere. 

and I know she will make the right one in the end. 

Kaneki’s Head Trauma Part 1: Vision

A few days ago I received an ask about the specifics and the consequences of Kaneki’s brain trauma after getting stabbed by Arima’s quinque. I planned to write everything into a single post, but I realized that it was WAY TOO LONG because I want to do this justice, which is why I’ll be writing a mini-series of 3-4 posts on this topic, the first on vision/sight.

I’ll explain everything as best I can, but I’ll include diagrams and pictures for this since this information isn’t intuitive.

Okay so I have this nice grotesque image of Kaneki in chapter 139 trying to pull the quinque out of his head, not to make you cry and relive this tragedy, but to show where the brain trauma would have occurred (I’ve also tilted the image for convenience).

So the difficult thing about this is that the brain is a three-dimensional organ, yet all the diagrams are only in two dimensions. As a result, all the diagrams differ a bit, depending on which part of the brain they want to show, whether it be just the outer parts that we usually see like the cerebrum, or the medial parts closer to the centre of the brain.

So I have here a generic diagram of the brain with its relative position to the face for reference. Looking back at Kaneki, we can see that Arima’s quinque goes through Kaneki’s skull, brain, then eye almost horizontally, maybe angled a tiny bit downward. So the general area of damage would look something like this:

Keep in mind that since this is a 2-D image, the quinque might actually miss certain parts of the brain depending on whether they’re located parallel with the left eye or not. I added the thinner red lines to indicate the area of damage since the quinque is pretty thick.

But thank goodness this is 2015 because there’s a free interactive 3-D brain model that you can look at if you want to see for yourself. I’ve also circled in the general location of the eye as well.

This diagram isn’t particularly useful though since we can only seen the outer edge of the brain, so if I move the brain so that I’m facing it head-on and tilting it slightly upwards:

That red area I marked is where the damage occurs (visible from this POV anyway). The left optic nerve (the thin grey rod, I just labelled the other side since the brain is almost symmetrical), which carries visual sensory information from the left eye to the brain to process, will be damaged. That will cut off Kaneki’s vision to his left eye. Not that it matters though because there’s nothing left of his left eye for his brain to process.

So Kaneki has lost the left side of his vision. He can still see through his right eye, right? Nope. He technically shouldn’t, anyways.

The quinque started from the back of his head and went straight through the left occipital lobe, which is responsible for processing the right visual field, or whatever he sees through his right eye. What this means is that even if his right eye is physically fine, if his left occipital lobe is damaged, then he won’t be able to see through his right eye. This is called cortical blindness, or blindness due to brain damage rather than damage to the eye.

So technically, Kaneki shouldn’t be able to see out of his right eye either and he should be completely blind at that point. But he isn’t. Kaneki can see Arima’s Narukami quinque aimed straight at him and he tries to dodge it. (chapter 139)

An explanation for this might be that after taking the quinque out of his head, Kaneki’s left occipital lobe healed itself a bit, enough for him to see through his right eye. Or there was still enough of the occipital lobe intact for Kaneki to still see through his right eye. Or maybe Ishida didn’t know, because I wouldn’t say that this is common knowledge, although this stuff is taught in high school or first year university psychology classes.

This image below is pretty interesting though:

Kaneki is clutching the right side of his face over his right eye. I think in that moment Kaneki was temporarily blind, but it might also be due to the massive amount of pain the quinque caused.

I mentioned that the occipital lobe is mainly responsible for vision processing. For such a singular role, it takes up a lot of space, but it has a very important role since we rely on vision so much in our daily lives.

The occipital lobe certain areas that have specific roles to them such as colour and motion-processing, but honestly, the left occipital lobe is right in line with the quinque, and so most of it would have been damaged.

Broad damage to the occipital lobe can cause visual hallucinations, blindness, inability to see colour, motion or orientation, and synesthesia. The hallucinations were already there beforehand, we know Kaneki is partly or mostly blind, and there were no signs of synesthesia or an inability to see colour or motion. But what I found interesting was the inability to see orientation:

and how this panel is showing Kaneki upside-down, confused by where up and down and where right and left are.

What about the consequences after the trauma? We know that despite all odds Kaneki’s eye and the rest of his brain regenerated, although he didn’t get off scot-free in regards to vision. (:re 37)

And he experiences sharp pain to the back of his eye when he gets flashbacks

Feel free to ask any questions you have about this post, or if something confuses you. My next post should be up in a couple days :)

Seymour Invented New Cruel Trick

Step 1 Is Get Enemy

Step 2: Say “Your Not Invited To My Birthdayparty” (Dont Panic I Will Explain)

Step 3 Be Careful And Dont Pick A Strong Enemy Because Of The Punches And Kicks In This Step

Step 4 Is You Laugh AtYour Enemy Sadness Because Of No Birthday Treats

Step 5, Your Say “Enemy I Rescind My Dark Spells You Are Invited Again But Dont Cross Me I Can Do Anything Without Fear”

Here Is Why It Works. Enemy Wants To Attend Birthdayparty And Get Some Treats But He Is Also Your Enemy. So You Only Make Pretend…

Now The Enemy Shall Know Your Huge Strengths But Still Have A Good Fun Birthday Cake On Your Party

I keep seeing posts like “the theory that Peridot is a child explains why she so desperately wants to go home and why she’s so scared!” as though an adult would not be terrified if they were stranded in a place completely foreign to them, in enemy territory, with full knowledge that any day now a terrible thing is going to happen that will 100% kill everyone there, including them.

shockingly, fear is not an emotion exclusive to children

Their Favourite Disney Movie {Avengers Preference}

requested

Clint; Brave - do I even have to explain why?

Originally posted by thedisneyseries

Bucky; Beauty and the Beast - I think Bucky would love this because he views himself as a ‘beast’ most of the time and when he watches it, it makes him feel better knowing that even the ‘beasts’ can find love too.

Originally posted by wonderlaaaaaand

Tony; Emperor’s New Groove - I think this one is also pretty obvious

Originally posted by alexisbusy

Steve; Toy Story - he would just love the message that it sends and would always be singing ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Me’

Originally posted by prehistoric-love

Bruce Banner; Wreck It Ralph - he would really identify with Ralph and it would always be his ‘go-to’ movie if he was stressed/upset etc.

Originally posted by yovr-hiqh-ness

Natasha Romanoff; Mulan - strong, female character; what’s not to love?

Originally posted by odetteswan777

Thor; Hercules - I think he would connect with Herc and would obviously go around belting out all of the songs.

Originally posted by southerntinkerbelle

anonymous asked:

so steve and peggy knew each other/worked together for years, not months? because that would make way more sense, considering how deep their feelings seemed to run. i never did get why they were so intense if they only knew each other for a little time, but if it was years, then that explains it. do we have a timeline?

Yes! Steve and Peggy knew each other for almost two years before Steve died! Which is why it drives me nuts when people say they barely knew each other. The timeline isn’t well-explained in CATFA, but here’s my rundown of events: 

Steve is recruited by Erskine on June 14, 1943. The year is also confirmed by the newspaper in that scene. He meets Peggy a day later, when he arrives at Camp Lehigh for his training. It’s love at first sight for Steve, but it’s not long before Peggy starts noticing him, too:

(I should mention that the flag at Camp Lehigh says it’s 1942, so mistakes in the MCU are entirely possible. Moving on!).

Steve is chosen for the SuperSoldier project within a few days of arriving at camp. On the way to the operation, he and Peggy have a heartfelt talk about the discrimination they face in the military, and she begins to fall for him (…even though Steve tries to flirt with her but kind of insults her instead. Oh, Steve). But her crush is especially noticeable after the serum, because… well:

Yeah.

According to a newspaper in the film, Captain America is born on June 23, 1943! (Okay, technically it would be June 22 because the paper would be the next day, but semantics). It’s been 9 days since Steve was recruited, and 8 days since Steve and Peggy first met. Mutual crushes have been established!

After Erskine’s death, Steve tours the east coast of the USA and parts of Europe from July - October 1943, selling war bonds. Peggy is sent to London during this time, but it’s possible they kept in touch. Or, alternatively, the Captain America tour poster states he would be in “London, Bristol, Manchester, Allied Bases in Europe, and North Africa”, in that order, so maybe they met up in London before reuniting at the Allied Bases. Regardless, Peggy knows of Steve’s adventures and they’re comfortable with each other when we see them again in Azzano.

In early November 1943, Steve learns that Bucky has been captured by HYDRA and he and Peggy plan the illegal rescue mission. This is really the first time Steve and Peggy flirt with each other, not just little glances and smiles (”You’re late!” becomes their Thing). The day Steve brings Bucky home is November 24, 1943, according to Steve’s condolence letter:

Everyone moves to London a few days later. It’s here where things become serious: Peggy flirts with Steve while wearing the red dress, and they promise to go dancing after the war (which becomes a euphemism for their future, with ‘the right partner’ line). From the moment she walks into the bar wearing that dress, her eyes only for Steve… they’re going steady, in my mind. Especially because Steve tells Bucky “Maybe she’s got a friend”, as if he and Peggy are already together. It explains why Peggy is so pissed when she sees Steve kissing a woman in the bunker a few days later – she thought they were a done deal. At this point, they’ve known each other for five months (which is around the time you would get serious with someone. Just saying!).

From December 1943 onwards, Steve leads the Howling Commandos through all their famous missions. Peggy is part of this Special Ops team, shown in the wartime montage in CATFA. And Steve carries a photo of her in his compass, like she’s his Girl, so I’d say they’re serious about each other. 

Their time together is also mentioned in CATWS, in the video at the Smithsonian; Peggy talks about a mission they did together in the Winter of 1944. Plus she’s still upset talking about Steve, eight years after his death, which speaks volumes about their relationship:

So we can assume that they worked side-by-side for the entirety of 1944. Maybe they were in correspondence throughout each mission and met in London between them (going off the bombed-out pub scene)? Although I’m betting Peggy joined in on a few of those missions, too!

(BTW, by my best guess, Bucky dies around Feb-Mar 1945, but it’s completely up for debate. I know the Smithsonian tribute says he died in 1944, but… it doesn’t really fit with the timeline of CATFA, so I’m electing to ignore it).

Finally – Peggy and Steve share their first (and only) onscreen kiss right before Steve’s last mission, which is in 1945. We know this mostly from CATWS; Natasha teases Steve with “Was that your first kiss since 1945?”, which suggests it’s a known fact that Steggy macked (who knows - maybe Colonel Phillips wrote about it for the history books). Most people accept that VE Day in the MCU is the same as real life (May 8, 1945)… which means Steve probably died sometime in April 1945.

So! This means Steve and Peggy knew each other for almost 2 years (June 14, 1943 - April 1945), and were ‘going steady’ (or at least only had eyes for each other) for ~1.5 years. That’s a pretty long time, especially in the 1940s when most people were married within a year of ‘steady’ dating – even less during wartime. And while it was cool to casually date, it wasn’t cool to sleep around or even have makeout sessions, which weren’t popular until Car Culture in the 1950s. Many couples in the 1930-40s wouldn’t have done much with each other before their marriage night, even if they had been Serial Daters before getting together. 

So when people say “Steve and Peggy weren’t serious because they only kissed once!” …it’s not a valid argument, in my mind. TWO YEARS, MAN. That’s a longterm relationship!

On gendered behaviour, feminism, and gender as emotion

You know that trans narrative. “We always knew she was a girl because she played with dolls while her brother was playing with trucks.” Trans folks are pushed to justify their gender in a way that cis people never are, most notably by the medical community. We are taught to do this, in a way that cis people have never been, even when it’s not necessary.

It felt awful to be asked by doctors to explain why I thought I needed treatment, and “I’ve been feeling awful about gendered parts of my body for several years” is never enough. I had to give details in a way that a man with gynaecomastia never would, and because I was not a trans man but a nonbinary person I also had to justify why I didn’t want testosterone treatment. I found myself recounting the time I refused to leave the house in a dress just around the time I hit puberty. Why my mother felt the need for me to wear a dress was not questioned, but my desire to not wear a dress became the subject of serious scrutiny.

At the same time, feminists are fighting a very important battle for cis women and cis men that seems entirely conflicting. Women don’t have to be feminine or submissive. Little girls don’t have to play with dolls, and boys can love cooking and dancing. When cis girls are encouraged to pursue sciences, a trans girl’s love of engineering is seen as evidence of her manliness. And why would you want to be a woman, when your body and your behaviour match up?

Most humans can probably accept the idea that what we do is not who we are. Gay men have wives and children, I can pass as not-autistic in a pinch, and so on. Women (cis and trans) can be butch and men can be femme. Anyone can be both. The myth that 80% of “trans” children grow out of it is based on studies in which playing with toys that don’t match your birth-assigned gender was enough to qualify you as trans, so it’s clear that dysphoria is quite a different thing from rejecting gender norms.

So how does that fit into the trans narrative? And what is gender?

“So if girls can act like boys and still be girls, the same is true for you. You’re nonbinary when you’re in heels, you’re nonbinary when you’re in a tux. A woman is a woman with or without her uterus. Lots of trans and nonbinary people don’t want or can’t have hormones or surgeries, so it’s obviously not required for being so. In light of all of that, how do you know that you’re nonbinary?”

No one has ever asked me in this way, but I feel the questions. When you’re the subject of inquiry from doctors, the government, and everyone you meet more than once, you start to build an idea of a collective feeling, the accumulation of every curious mind into one voice. And it’s asking, “what is gender? How do you know yours is nonbinary?”

That voice asks other questions unrelated to gender in the same way. You see it reflected in books and movies and the questions children ask adults. I’m coming to see that there is another question that is very nearly the same. “What does being in love feel like? How do you know when you’re in love?”

The usual answer is “being in love is indescribable. When you feel it, you just know.”

I just know that I’m nonbinary. It explains everything, but if you asked me to I couldn’t explain it. Knowing your gender after years of not even realising you were strange, it puts everything into perspective.

So I’m coming to think of gender as an emotion, like being in love.

“I’m sorry, but you weren’t successful in your interview this time - you’re in love, and one of the other interviewees isn’t, so we think they’ll fit the role better.”

“Welcome to the store! Over here is the section for people who’re in love, and over there is the one for people who aren’t. We do also have a section upstairs for those who’ve loved and lost, because we know how it can be good to have something a little wider at the shoulders.”

If I tell someone I’m in love, they accept it without question. I imagine if I was sitting with a group of friends and I told them I was in love, they would affirm it and be happy for me. If someone questioned my feelings, they’d be challenged: “how would you know? You can’t tell them what they’re feeling! It’s their experience!” I am respected, my feelings are taken seriously. It’s assumed that I will make major life choices based on my being in love, like moving in with someone, marrying them, maybe one day having children, etc.

If I tell someone that I am nonbinary, I am often met with skepticism - especially online, where challenging me carries fewer penalties because there are so many people and none who see the exchange are likely to care about me. I am told in various ways that I am my birth-assigned gender - a weird example of it, but still a woman, and a traitor for rejecting that womanhood. I am criticised for not embodying a gender I never chose, that was forced upon me before I could even focus my eyes, by people calling themselves feminists. “You are one of us, whether you agree or not! Now, be better at it!” I have been told that I am mentally ill, that intersex conditions are evidence that sex and therefore gender are binary, and that I will likely regret my transition. I have been called “that” by a lead clinician in a gender identity clinic. People argue about whether my pronouns are grammatically correct, or try and fail to avoid pronouns altogether. (Imagine someone repeatedly telling you that whether or not you are married to your husband is a matter of public debate.)

And so we come full circle. I feel that my transition and my neutral name and pronouns are an expression of my gender. But these things are external, and behaviour doesn’t make you a man or a woman or a nonbinary person. A woman who’s had a double mastectomy to survive cancer is still a woman. A man with a hormone disorder is still a man. My behaviour and my body are not proof that I am nonbinary.

If you move in with someone it doesn’t mean you’re in love.

It’s strange how when it comes to being trans all the assumptions are mysteriously forgotten, as part of the pattern in which we are seen as alien. Usually when someone behaves in a particular way it’s an effect, no? Emotion inspires action, that’s how it is to be human. And for gender it’s no different: we feel a gender (or no gender), and we express it - like wearing masculine clothes and having feminine body modifications like pierced ears and avoiding strongly gendered social cues altogether. This is true for trans and cis people alike.

I also feel gender dysphoria, which I don’t fully understand. It used to be a lot worse, an eternal dissociation from my body, and changing my body and name and pronouns made me feel a lot happier and less numb. When the whole world and your own body disagree with your own experience of your gender for every moment of every day, it breaks you. Doctors are sometimes willing and able to help.

And many people feel gender euphoria, where there’s no discomfort, but expressing your gender in spite of your birth assignment brings you such joy and quality of life that you’d be a fool or self-punishing to deny yourself that. (When you’re in love, the world tells you to act on it. Tell them! Say yes! Take a leap of faith, it’s worth the risk. Love is euphoric.)

We know that a single action can be an expression of a lot of different feelings. Maybe I marry someone because I’m in love with them, but maybe I do it for the right to work in a particular country. My nonbinary gender inspired me to express it by cutting my hair short, but this woman has a pixie cut too. Women are more strongly encouraged to pursue feminine crafts like knitting, but before the 1500s knitting was guild-led men’s work. My skirt could mean anything. There’s a very good chance it just means I like to wear skirts.

Things get sticky when people assume a cause from the effect. You’re wearing a dress so you must be a woman. You love ladies and you keep your hair short and you’re into mechanics, so you’re not trans enough to be a real woman. You had sex so that means you’re in love with them, right?

So much oppression uses gender, and sometimes gender gets the blame. If there were no gender, women would automatically be equal to men, right? If there is no gender, there is no gendered oppression. It’s like trying to prevent crimes of passion by eradicating love.

Like any emotion, it’s affected by things in your environment. I second-guessed my nonbinary gender until I had top surgery, and when my chest was flat I finally lost all doubt. It was like my body was telling my mind that I was a woman when my mind knew the truth, and I had to change my body to stop that signal. This idea that gender is always and consistently tied to one’s anatomy makes things difficult for genderfluid folks - but I know that I am more or less in love with my partners at different times for various (sometimes unknowable) reasons. Some people have never fallen in love. Imagine that every time you were angry as a small child your mother told you that this feeling was called “happy”, how that would mess you up; no one named my gender where I could hear it until I was 25.

So, what can I say?

  • Gender is an emotion, a feeling. Some people don’t feel it. It can be a vital, fundamental experience that should never be denied you by anyone else.
  • The feeling of gender can be affected by external things - your body, the way people treat you, other feelings you’re having at the same time…
  • People can help you to name your gender, but there is no way they can possibly know it on your behalf. It’s not just immoral or rude to do so - it is impossible.
  • Gender dysphoria is painful and life-disrupting and should be taken seriously and treated by doctors.
  • Gender euphoria is incredibly important - we need to live by pursuing good feelings, not just by finding ways to escape bad ones.
  • Some people have neither of those things, and still feel gender, and it should be respected - see the first bullet point.
  • Behaviour is gendered by people. The gendering of behaviour is arbitrary and shifts over time.
  • We have no way of knowing exactly what someone is expressing with their behaviour, or whether it’s even connected to their gender at all.
  • Disrespecting someone by debating the validity of their self-expression is never okay.

This has been an extremely long ramble of thoughts that finally came together and connected themselves up this evening. If you’ve got this far, I salute you. o7

If you actually watch the video, there is no proof of how the topic of ‘making Taylor famous’ came up. That part has been kindly edited out by Kim. We go from hearing her tell Kanye that she doesn’t mind if he uses the ‘might still have sex line” and thanking him for telling her in advance to all of a sudden hearing Taylor talk about how Kanye didn’t know who she was at the VMA’s. 

Is it so hard to believe that Taylor jokingly said “you made me famous” and Kanye got inspiration to write the line “i made that bitch famous” from that? That makes complete sense to me and would explain why Kim keeps saying Taylor helped Kanye write a line in the song. 

He didn’t tell her about it in the phone call. He didn’t have the song finished at that point. Taylor wasn’t sent a final copy of the song because why does Kanye need to do that? He never had to tell her about the song in the first place so props to him for doing that I guess. 

Taylor isn’t stupid. She knows that this sort of information gets out easily and she also knows she is dealing with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. She didn’t lie to anyone. Settle down and actually look at the facts.