writing prompt: “I’m afraid- so terrified I can hardly stand it. But what am I supposed to do? I’ve got to keep trying” ( credit )
pairing: Bucky x avenger!Reader
(reader can read and control people’s bad emotions and memories - either ease or worse them)
hope you like it! Please let me know what you think! :)
Bucky inhaled deeply as his eyes opened and adjusted to the darkness of the room. He slowly propped himself on his left arm and looked around the room, realising he wasn’t feeling your body beside him. He had another nightmare that started like every other one, memories playing in his head, but since your accident with you beside him they always became less and less scary, changing to him escaping Hydra all safe and sound and then calmly waking up.
He didn’t knew much about your powers since you never shared any details with anyone in the team besides Tony and Bruce, of course. They needed to know in order to try and help you in some ways. He knew that you could read people’s negative emotions or memories and then control them, either helping them or making them feel even worse, but he hasn’t pushed you into telling him everything. You never told him you were using your powers on him because whenever he woke up you were asleep, actually pretending to be asleep but he knew you weren’t. Even before your accident you helped him with his nightames, always comforting him and spending the night awake to watch him, but this, this was something different. He always made sure to give your nose a quick kiss before pulling you closer into his arms, as a silent thank you.
This time, strangely, you weren’t in the bed and the sheets on your side of the bed were already cold, meaning you had left a good amount of time ago. He run his hand through his hair before putting his legs over the edge of the bed and then getting up. Grabbing a shirt from the chair on his way, he headed towards the door. He twisted the knob and quickly put the shirt on, exiting the room. He was so sleepy and slightly cold, his body missing the warmth of his bed. It was about 2am as he was quietly making his way through the floor, his bare foot making no sound. Were could you be?
He firstly checked your bedroom, thinking that maybe you went to sleep in your own bed, for whatever reason. His brows furrowed, concern showing on his face. The room was empty, your things in their place, clothes neatly folded, bed perfectly made, the sheets untouched. He closed the door behind him and made his way to the kitchen, going past the common room where he also didn’t find you. Bucky wished the two of you were living in a small flat, it would be way easier to find you there. He took a break in the kitchen, where he also didn’t find you, to drink a glass of water and think about any other possible places.
“Uh, hey FRIDAY?” He spoke up unsure, still not used to all the technology surrounding him.
“Yes, Mr Barnes?” The voice responded politely to him.
“Do you maybe know where Y/N is?” He was kind of looking around, like he was trying to find some sort of camera he was supposed to be talking to.
“It seems that Miss Y/N is at the balcony on the floor below, Sir.”
He was quiet for a moment, analyzing what the voice has just said to him, wanting to ask if Y/N was okay before realising it was only some sort of robot, so he mumbled a thank you.
The now empty glass was put into the dishwasher and Bucky made his way to the balcony on the floor below using the elevator in the building. There was no music once he was inside, his mind making up small questions about your state. He still hasn’t figured out what had happened to you and he was hoping you would tell him instead of shutting him out.
The floor was also dark and quiet, he couldn’t be bothered to turn on the lights, not really wanting to drawn any attention of his friends and simply too tired to care about the light. He saw the the glass door that lead to the balcony were slightly open, your small form visible sitting outside, on the left side of them.
“Hey, doll. What are you doing here at that hour, huh?” He said gently, not wanting to scare her, and sat beside her. She didn’t look at him, her eyes fixed on something far ahead. “Is everything okay? Did you have a nightmare?” His eyes were on her face, noticing how her cheeks were glistening with tears under the moonlight and city lights and how she swallowed thickly. She was sitting with her knees pressed to her chest, her arms around them. She finally shook her head lightly, “no,” before adding, “and yes.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” He didn’t want to push her, but he wished she would share it with him so he could try and help her, like she helped him every day.
“Do you know what I can do? My powers, I mean,” she didn’t even give him enough time to answer her question, “I can read and control other’s bad emotions. I can see their bad memories. And although I love the idea that I can help them, that I can ease their pain, uh- the thing is, if I do that then the pain stays in me. Their worst memories that I have helped them with, stay in my head and haunt me at night, you know.”
And then it hit him. During his nightmares he felt so calm because all of the images and emotions his mind was creating were just leaving his body to haunt hers. He felt like his heart was breaking at the thought of his girl hurting so much, and him not even realizing. She was basically fighting his demons for him, and probably other people’s too at the same time. She was never showing it, didn’t want to bother anyone as she was always so smiley and polite to everyone. She would rather suffer herself then watch her loved ones do it.
She sniffled, “I’m afraid- so terrified I can hardly stand it. But what am I supposed to do? I’ve got to keep trying. Maybe one day it will become a little bit easier, to like, exist?” She used the back of her hand to wipe her nose and closed her eyes tightly. Bucky put his strong arm around her small frame and pulled her closer to his body. She could sense how sad she made him feel, how torn in half his heart seemed to be and she broke down in his arms. He used his other hand to pull her onto his lap and kept her in his arms, gently whispering words of comfort.
“You’re so brave. You’re so goddamn brave, baby. I knew you were doing something to keep my nightmares at ease but I didn’t know how much it affected you,” he pressed his lips to the top of her head, inhaling her delicate scent. “I’m so sorry for never realizing or even asking, I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s alright, I understand. I kind of like it that way. I’ve seen you suffering too many times and I just couldn’t lay next to you knowing I can actually take the pain away, Buck.” Her body was shaking, quiet sobs leaving her mouth and tears running down her cheeks. It pained him to see her like that.
“I’m really not sure what to say now, love. The things you’ve done for me… I promise I will help you as much as I can, I’m sure Tony and Banner will find something to help you, too. You’re not going to be alone wth this, I promise. Just please, don’t push me away, doll.” He felt her nod her against his neck and they stayed like that for the whole night, with her sleeping safe in his arms.