because bad things happen when you get attached

Taehyung takes being mean to you too far Part.8 END

[Part.1] [Part.2] [Part.3] [Part.4] [Part.5] [Part.6] [Part.7] [Part.8END]


Originally posted by chimcheroo

Y/N’s p.o.v

I felt him tossing and turning beside me all night - but I ignored it. I opened my eyes slowly to be greeted with his face right in front my mine. I felt my heart race, how does this idiot not know that it’s him? That it had always been him? I placed my hand gently on his face, careful not to wake him up. He must be tired from sleeping so late, I pushed away his hair from his face. I felt his leg and arm draped over my body, this was his habit - he loved to hug the person beside him when he was sleeping and to me it was the cutest, most pure thing about him. I caught myself smiling at him. 

“How do you not know it’s you?” I whispered. “You’re an idiot, but I’m a bigger one for not being able to tell you.” I slowly replaced myself with a pillow, and went to go get ready. I made myself more presentable and started to make breakfast for the two of us. I was washing the few cups in the sink when I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist, his arms. I was startled and froze before I relaxed. His head now resting on my shoulder with his head facing in the direction of mine. 

“I do know it’s me.” His morning voice so husky, I could melt into his arms. “I’m the idiot who didn’t figure it out earlier, I’m the biggest idiot for not telling you that for me, it’s also you too.” I put the cup down back into the sink and turned myself around to face him. His grip tightened around me as he pulled me close.

“What do you mean?” I was confused and had no idea what was going on in my head. 

“That someone special, that guy you like. It’s me, right? The password, is my birthday is it not?” He said as he leant his forehead on mine, closing his eyes. 

“Ho- how did you find out?” I shouldn’t have stuttered, but I did.

“I couldn’t figure it out, so I asked the guys for help and they made me realise. I’m sorry I’m so slow.” 

“I’m sorry.” I apologised. 

“What, why? Is liking me such a bad thing?” 

“No of course not! I don’t even have the right to like you in that way but I do. So I’m sorry, because I’d never be good enough for a guy like you. It’s embarrassing, to even think a someone as good as you would even look in my direction.” I tried to wriggle my way out of his hold, but he didn’t let me go. 

“But I just said that I liked you too, when I said that I was the biggest idiot.” He placed a hand on my head and stroked my hair, playing with the ends of it. “I’m the one who should be sorry, I was the one who pushed you around all this time like a coward, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, and yet here I’ve been in and out of your place as if it’s my own, lying next to you on so many occasions and falling asleep here. I’m the one who should be embarrassed raindrop, not you. You’re beautiful inside and out, you drive me absolutely insane when I see you smile. No one’s ever made my heart beat as fast as you, no one could ever make me feel this way apart from you. I want you Y/N. I’ve always wanted you. I was just too much of a prick to get off my high horse to realise it, I’ve always needed an excuse to talk to you, and picking on you for some reason seemed like a good option, which I know now it wasn’t, actually it was the shittiest idea I’ve ever conjured up, I don’t know why I couldn’t admit to myself that I like you. I’m sorry for making you feel like shit. But at the same time I’m not, because if I hadn’t and you didn’t get sick - I would have never come over, and I would have never been able to realise my real feelings for you. That sounds bad I know but it’s true.” 

“You’re an idiot Kim Taehyung. You don’t even know how surprised and actually happy I was when I saw you that night. When you showed up out of nowhere. I thought to myself ‘getting sick is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ because I got to be close to you and slowly you seemed to become more attached, you didn’t hate me anymore and we got along.” 

“How is being sick a good thing to you, you had to suffer.” He let out a low chuckle, showing off his box smile that I adore. 

“Because I had you taking care of me.” 

“So where does this leave us? Where do we stand on the relationship status?” He asked as his eyes rounded and looked down at me. 

“If that was your way to ask me to be your girlfriend then the answer’s yes.” He smiled again, his dark orbs dilated. I raised my arms and wrapped them round his neck, getting up on my tiptoes I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. I pulled away and smiled up at him, in a swift movement he spun the two us around and pushed me against the counter top that was once behind him. 

“You can’t be a tease and give me a small kiss like that.” Without even giving me a chance to reply, he kissed me. The kiss deepened and he lifted me onto the counter top. His hands gripped my waist as my arms stayed draped over his shoulders. My fingers connected with one another as I placed my hands in his morning bed hair. 

I pulled away gently, gasping for air. “Did you brush your teeth Tae?” I laughed.

“Why’d you go and ruin the moment?” He whined like a little kid. “I didn’t brush my teeth no, doesn’t it make our first kiss more memorable?” He wagged his eyebrows like the dork that he is. 

“You’re gross, go brush your teeth. I’ll get breakfast ready.”

“Mmm fine okay, but let me do this again.” 

So before he ran off like a little kid, laughing to himself as if he had taken great victory, he stole one last kiss. 


FINISHYYYYY

Pull

Description: Derek and the reader are in love with each other and find out they’re mates, but they try to stay away from one-another because they think that one loves another only because of the pull?

Characters: Derek Hale x Reader

Triggers: None

Gender: Any

Words: 1,406

This was requested by anon

Originally posted by semejohn

Derek was your mate. At least that’s what the Druid told you. You had asked her for help with a monster terrorizing the town. When the pack managed to get rid of them and you went to thank the Druid and she exposed the secret bond between you and Derek.

After being told you and Derek had an uncomfortably long staring contest while Scott and Stiles stared at you two in awe. When you left you two didn’t even speak to one another, too shocked to talk about it. That was three days ago, and you were avoiding Derek like he was the plague. Why were you avoiding him? Because you were afraid.

You had feelings for Derek, maybe it was because of the whole “mate” thing, but you were aware of them long before you found out about it. Three days had gone by and all you wanted to do was go see him, like if you didn’t something bad would happen. But you forced yourself to stay in your room.

After you found out about this whole mate thing you researched it. Apparently when werewolves find their mates they are pulled towards each other, as if they had a string attached to both of them that’s getting shorter. You were afraid that the only reason Derek would even consider being in a relationship with you was because of the pull. And you didn’t want that, you wanted him to be in a relationship because he wanted to, not because he had too. So you avoided him. Too afraid to confront it.

Derek was surprised to find out that you were his mate. He had a feeling about it for a while. Due to the pull he felt towards you since you first met. He had hid it as best as he could but when he found out that you were his mate he wanted to ignore it even more. He didn’t want a relationship with you because it was forced. Thinking back, he started to remember all the times you stayed him rather than the others, or how you always seemed to trust him no matter what.

Keep reading

hellandye  asked:

I'm thinking of making my own webcomic, do you have any tips?

Hi Hellandye!!! Sorry I took so long to answer this! I knew I needed a lot of time to spend on it… anyway, I’m excited you’re starting a webcomic! :D Everyone works on comics differently but I’ll tell you what helps me and maybe it’ll help you u vu)b if you’re struggling with something, let me know and I bet I could come up with another way to work on it!

1) Draw for print

  • When starting a comic, I’d always recommend drawing it at a size that can be printed bc you never know if you’ll want to print it later! Choose a size that’s good for you. 8.5″x11″, 7″x10.5″, etc. TINF is 5.25″x7.75″. (It’s recommended to draw your comic even larger than you want the final size to be, just make sure the ratio is the same! Things always look better sized down…)
  • Even if you draw your comic traditionally, make sure to scan it in and do any digital edits at a resolution no lower than 300dpi. If your resolution is lower than that, the quality won’t be as good when printed!
  • For each page I have the full size 300dpi PSD + a sized down for-web jpg (for ex, 600px wide, 72dpi).

Margins/Bleed

  • When you’re printing, you need a lot of space for margins and bleed areas that could get cut off during the print process! I’m really, truly awful about knowing this stuff tho, so I recommend googling it and checking out what printers suggest for margins and sizes for safe drawing areas. I think generally, all together, you leave 0.75″ of space around your page or something? I don’t remember the specifics but I think I usually just leave like an inch border all around LOL.

2) Planning

Think about…

  • The plot! If there’s no plot, what’s the goal? Maybe the goal is “everyone becomes friends and life is beautiful.” If that’s the case, then most of the things that happen in the comic are pointing the characters towards that goal. (Don’t get me wrong: not every single chapter has to be plot- or goal-driven. Character development arcs are great too! But what’s an anime with 900 filler episodes? No thanks…)
  • The important points of the comic! I made a bullet point list of all the important things I wanted readers to become aware of in some way in TINF (for ex, I wrote: “unknowingly meet Sydney Morgan’s publicist; meet actor Vincent Fawkes; Selby’s handwriting matches Sydney Morgan’s; Isaiah becomes suspicious of Landon and regrets ‘hiring’ him,” etc)

Summaries

  • I’m like the biggest fan of summaries EVER!!! Do a summary of your entire story. How do you want to introduce it? What’s the climax? How does it end? Really plan the beginning/end: the beginning is the backbone of the comic since it introduces the story (I regret TINF’s beginning everyday of my life, save me) + the end will be the driving force for it. The end of TINF is planned as, well… you guessed it, a summary, but I know what’s gonna go down.
  • Similarly, I do summaries of all my chapters: the beginning scene is concrete and planned out, the middle is kind of a general thought (in which you decide what you want to happen but the why can be messed around with), and the end scene is always concrete and planned out.
  • I leave the middle a general thought because comics are wild n free so it’s a lot easier to be loose and not get attached to a single idea. If you have single ideas for scenes that you’re super attached to, it becomes a real struggle because thoughts don’t always remain awesome when visualized… :’(

I’ve got my story, now how far ahead should I plan ahead?

  • Erm… I’m bad at this. This kind of thing changes the more you do comics. When I first started TINF, I had a Google doc of bullet points and ideas for about 15 chapters and I’d thumbnail at least half the chapter before I started on it. Thumbnailing a chapter is really great if you’re unsure about pacing: it helps make sure you don’t have a 50 pg intro scene, 11 pgs spent in the bathroom, and 30 pages of staring each other down DBZ style. It keeps you succinct so when someone checks back on your comic 5 months later you’re not still drawing the characters in the same room, having the same conversation about whether they should go to the mall or not. Once you get the hang of your pacing style, you can kind of procrastinate more… but… y-YOU SHOULDN’T… (don’t look at me)

3) Thumbnails

(Thumbnails are tiny versions of your pages. They’re generally sketchy and loose and are used to plan your comic visually.)

  • I put this in its own section outside of planning because thumbnails are 9000% the most important thing in my life :’D Some people work with scripts and, while I’ve planned through dialogue countless times, 1) you can’t put that much text into a page, 2) written dialogue moves a lot slower than visual dialogue in a comic–a “short” typed conversation can be pages and pages–so sometimes it’s better to plan the comic at the same time as the dialogue so the pacing is more natural. Or, if you do a script, maybe it’s not like a 100% must-be-their-dialogue type of thing.
  • Plan everything in your thumbnails: the perspective, how to draw that weird hand, where the speech bubbles are going to go (nothing worse than drawing a bg then covering it w/a bubble)… be precise! Do not stop thumbnailing if you can’t figure something out. Solve all your problems in the thumbnail stage!!!
  • I promise if you plan everything in the thumbnails (even greys/colors), inking your page will be SO FAST!!! It’ll be awesome. My record so far is 11 comic pgs in a day… (never again, please)
  • I do my thumbnails the same size ratio as a normal pg bc it makes life easier… :’)
  • Here’s an ex of my thumbnails:

(link for fullsize–I lit draw them at this size)

4) Editing

  • Always show a friend your comics or tell them your ideas and get feedback!! It’s really easy to get lost in our own little world where everything makes sense but, honestly, a lot of things in our heads are trainwrecks. I always tell my chapter ideas or show my thumbnails or pages to a friend before releasing them into the world… (the crowd cheers and someone falls to their knees, shouting praises into the air, for not having to experience my unfiltered mind)

5) Little Nicole Things

(Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s you too! Be wild, be free, you can make comics in an infinite amount of ways, but here are some things that I think about a lot.)

The amount of text in…

  • The introduction! I’m a visual person. I generally don’t like to read. My #1 advice if you want to hook someone into your comic during the introduction is NOT to start off with a wall of text explaining everything. A straight-to-the-point, attention-grabbing introduction won’t put readers to sleep in the first 5 pgs of the comic while struggling to hit the ‘next’ button.
  • Speech bubbles! Don’t overload speech bubbles with text. If you have like 5 sentences in 1 speech bubble that’s probably too much. I know this is some style of comics so, definitely, if it’s your desire, go for it! But when things get wordy, my attention span wavers…

Pacing

  • Pacing is super tough especially when you want 900 things to happen in your comic. If you’re drawing a graphic novel or releasing your comic a chapter or more at a time, def go wild and free with pacing! I ENCOURAGE IT… it’s great.
  • BUT if you’re doing a once- or twice-a-week updated webcomic, the pacing is a lot more important. Something that helps me is: try to make at least 1 interesting thing happen in your page. If you have 1 exciting moment in your page, the tiny update for that week, hopefully, won’t feel unsatisfying.

Page size

  • Please remember to resize the page for web! Nothing is less exciting than having a 5000px wide image where I can’t even see one panel on the screen at a time.

Handwriting vs Font

  • Laughs darkly into the night over my handwriting… hi, hello there. Generally, it’s a lot easier and neater to use a font! When doing handwriting, I’d recommend using all caps because having all the letters at the same size is very smooth to read.
  • When doing handwriting, only use the hat/tail on an uppercase “I” if the “I” is the beginning of the sentence or if it’s the pronoun. For the rest, simply write it as a straight line.

Process

  • I’m going to tell you all a secret: all I do is blow up my thumbnails and ink over them. I don’t sketch. ~ur welcome~

6) Random tipz

  • Don’t get too attached to anything! Nothing destroys your entire being more than not being able to portray the scene you’ve been dreaming about for 900 years in your head perfectly.
  • Don’t force an idea! If you’re not feeling something, don’t do it. If you make your comic Everything You Love then, well, you’ll love it! If you’re bored with something, the readers will probably get bored too.
  • Progress will be fast so don’t let it get you down! It’s easy to want to give up or start over but you won’t get anywhere unless you keep pushing forward. Yes, I regret drawing like infinite # of TINF pgs, but usually you like it better later. Or, if you hate it… well… oh well… :’) verily, that is the way of the world… let’s do better next time!
  • Do 900 TINF cameos
  • Don’t be me :’)

7) HAVE FUN!!!

  • Comics can be as experimental as you want and there’s no “right” way to make them. If you decide you hated everything I said, that’s ok! Be you, have fun, express yourself, and you’ll love to make comics. And really, as long as you love it, that’s what matters the most! :D

Again, these aren’t “rules” so def do what you like, but maybe these will help! Best wishes Hellandye, lemme know if you start your comic, I wanna see!!! ILU TTvTT)))bbb

A Day in The Life of My ADHD Brain

LOL. J/K Let me tell you one thing about having a non-linear neuro-type. Every day is different. Some days, you’re on top of the world, ma! You have superpowers! Legit. And other days those same functions that made you feel so AMAZING yesterday, have turned on you and you feel so incapacitated you might as well be hooked up to a ventilator. My brain moves hella fast so sometimes I seem like I’m rambling, but truth is I’ve skipped a few steps in the physical world, so bear with me. You’ll probably notice this post jumps around- and I’ve left it a bit like that to show you what my brain is like. Enjoy. (I have edited it to make it slightly more readable.)

Keep reading

My First [vanilla]

Requested - your first time with Shawn and he’s really sweet with you.
*************

I knock on Shawn’s hotel room door, my long coat covering my body. Don’t back down, you want this. He opens the door after a few seconds and is surprised to see me. Shawn smiles down at me.

“Spencer,” he smiles, “what are you doing here?”

“You said that if I ever needed a favor that I should come to you.” I tell him, playing with my hands.

“Yeah. Do you wanna come in? I know it’s late an all -”

“Yes, please.” I cut him off. I walk into his hotel room and he closes the door. I see his luggage scattered along the living room section.

“Sorry if it’s a mess. Do you want to talk in the bedroom instead?”

“Please.” I reply. He raises an eye brow and leads me to the bedroom. As we walk to the room, I see that there’s someone in the bathroom. “Who’s here with you?”

“Manager.” He replies. “He’s going to bed anyways.” We arrive at the room and I go in and sit down on the bed as he locks the door.

“What’s up?” Shawn asks me, sitting down on the bed next to me.

“Oh, I uh..just missed you.” I say. “I thought I’d stop by.”

“At two in the morning?”

“Ye-yeah.”

“Spence, tell me what’s really going on.”

“I just missed you.”

“Besides that. And what’s with the ja-”

“I want you to take my virginity.” I blurt. Shawn stops talking and looks at me like I had green skin.

“What?”

“No, I need you to take my virginity.”

“I don’t understand your request.”

“I’m asking you as a friend to take my innocence. Please?” I place a hand on his shoulder. Shawn shakes it off and stands up. His back is to me and I can see he’s biting a nail. “Please, this is all I am asking.”

“Spencer, don’t.”

“Don’t tell me no, Shawn.” I stand up, turning him around.

“Well I am,” he whisper yells at me. It’s then that I remember we are not alone in this hotel room. “You’re coming in here at two in the morning. You’re my best friend, Spence. I haven’t even kissed you before. How do you expect me to -”

I cut him short by standing on my toes, grabbing his face in my hands and kissing him. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. He kisses back and then pushes me away.

“Spencer, this is crazy.” He says.

“Shawn, I want this. I need this.” I plead.

“Why?”

“Because I want to go to college an experienced woman.”

“As much as I’d like to help you, I can’t. I just can’t.”

“Why not? What’s wrong with taking my innocence?”

“Listen, Spence. If I do this…deed, it’s going to ruin our friendship. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t. I promise.”

“Do you know what happens when women have sex? They release endorphin’s. They grow feelings and get attached to their partner emotionally.” Shawn tells me, grabbing my by my upper arms as he leans down to look me in the eyes.

“And that’s a bad thing? S-so what if I catch feelings. Who cares?”

“I care!”

“Then take me.” I untie my coat and open it, letting it fall off. Shawn lets me go and takes a step back. His eyes examine my white matching lingerie set. I take my hair out of its bun and let my waves cascade down my back. “Please,” I whisper to Shawn as I walk closer to him, placing my hands on his chest, “take me.”

Shawn grabs places his hands on either side of my face as he kisses me. My hands wander to his shoulders as I kiss him back. He pulls apart, “We have to be quiet.”

“Okay,” I nod. We kiss again and he backs me up on the bed. I fall back with a soft thud. I rest on my elbows, propping myself up as Shawn takes his shirt off before crawling back on me. He places a hand under my back before sliding me further up on the bed, resting my head on a pillow.

“Get under the covers.” Shawn whispers to me. I slide under the warm comforter and Shawn does, as well. He climbs back on top of me and supports his body by holding onto the headboard of the bed with his left hand and rests his right hand on the bed besides me. He brings his lips back down on mine and kisses me sweetly. Shawn suddenly stops himself and pulls back. “Spencer, I don’t have a condom on me.”

“I’m on the pill,” I tell him. “I took it this morning.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.” 

Shawn leans back in but I stop him. “Wait.”

“What? Change your mind?” He asks me.

“I just…is this your first time?”

He almost laughs. “No,” he shakes his head.

“Oh.” 

“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna go crazy with you.” He says, easing my mind a bit. “Look, I can tell you’re nervous. Just tell me to stop when-”

“No.” I tell Shawn. “I don’t want you to stop. No matter how much it hurts, or no matter how much I bleed. Shawn, I want this. Trust me.”

Shawn sighs and brings his other hand from the headboard to the bed, going down with him. He trials his head down to my stomach, kissing softly at my skin. I close my eyes and breathe out as I feel him bite the hem of my underwear, pulling it down halfway, and then down all the way with his hands. He sits up and picks my legs up in a bent position. “Look at me.” I open my eyes and see Shawn sliding my underwear off my legs, only to toss them on the floor. He grabs the under of my knees with his hands and kisses at my thighs. 

“I’m not going to go down on you.” He tells me as his face in between my thighs.

“I’m not asking you to.” I reply. Shawn kisses my legs and back up my stomach. His hands are at my waist as he continues to kiss at my skin. Shawn’s hands snake up my back and find their way to my bra clasp. In a matter of seconds, he manages to unclasp my bra, and slide the straps off my arms - all while kissing on my stomach. After my bra is off, and I am completely nude under Shawn, he brings his face to mine while bringing the covers up over our bodies. 

Resting on a forearm, Shawn takes off his joggers and briefs, before resting on both forearms above me. He looks at me and chews on his lip in confusion. 

“Spencer, I’m asking you one last time.” Shawn begins. “You might catch feelings. You don’t need this. We don’t have to do this. I - I promise, we can just act like this never, ever happened.” 

“Shawn, I want this.” I tell him, looking him in and the eyes. 

“If it hurts you…”

“Then it’s my pain to deal with. Please, just do it.” 

“Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Mm hm,” I nod. Shawn slowly leans down and kisses me. As I kiss back, I feel him slide in me slowly. It feels big and I can feel him stretch my walls out. I gasp and Shawn quickly places a hand over my mouth. 

“My manager, remember?” He whispers. I nod and he removes his hand from my mouth. He’s all the way in me and there’s a tight feeling, but no pain. “Are you okay?” I nod and he pulls out of me before sliding back in me again. 

I start to softly pant as Shawn smoothly thrusts in and out of me at a gentle, and slow pace. With all those stories I have heard about your first time, I just can’t help but think about how wrong they are. Pain comes from discomfort and not being fully turned on for sex. Here I am, lying under Shawn, feeling 100% comfortable with him on top of me, and in me. He’s going gentle with me; he’s being sweet. 

Shawn leans down and kisses my forehead. “You’re doing good, Spencer.” He whispers. He looks down to watch himself going in and out of me. He lightly grunts and starts to pick up speed, but then slows down. He must have remembered that this is my first time. Shawn grips onto my upper arms as he gently pushes deeper into me. I arch my back and let out a moan. 

“Shh,” he whispers. 

I breathe out repeatedly and place my hands at his shoulders. 

“Say my name.” He tells me. 

“Sh-Shawn.” I breathe out. 

“Oh, Spencer.” He whisper-moans. Shawn buries his face in my neck, kissing here and there. Moving his hands from my upper arms, Shawn wraps them around my small back, almost embracing me as he thrusts in and out of me. 

Who knew that Shawn would actually agree to taking my innocence? We’ve been friends since our child years. And yet, here we are, 19-18, having sex. Me for the first time, and Shawn for the…who knows. He tells me stories about his crazy sex adventures often that I’ve lost count. All I care about right how I Shawn taking my virginity. 

I can feel his breath on my neck as he pants my name every so often. “Spencer.” 

I run my arms under his arms and rest them on his back. Occasionally I would rake my fingers through his hair. 

Shawn rolls his hips into me and I arch my back once more. He sits up on his knees and places his hands under my arched back, all the while gently going in and out of me. I grip onto the bed sheets and open my mouth. I continue to pant and breathe out faster and a bit heavier than before. Pleasurable pressure begins to rise up in my abdomen. It builds up inside me and Shawn can tell. He lies me back on the bed and rests back on his forearms, placing a hand over my mouth as I orgasm. Shawn continues to thrust into me softly until he orgasms. He manages to keep his moans in. 

Shawn pulls out and rest on my bare chest. We attempt to catch our breath and stay silent at the same time. 

“Thank you.” I tell Shawn. He rolls off me to his side of the bed and I wipe away the sweat from my forehead. “See, that wasn’t so bad? I didn’t catch any feelings.”

I turn to Shawn and h’es propped up on an elbow, his head resting in his hand. He looks at me and his lips part slightly. “Shit,” he whispers to himself.

My Nazi Zombies Headcanons...

Okay, so I’m just going to list some of them in order to test the fandom waters here.

Edward:
He eats as little as he can medically get away with. No more, no less. He’ll make sure to get to the food first, if not to be the one directly rationing their supplies (Dempsey is especially cautious at first but relaxes as he observes Richtofen’s behaviour).

He always makes sure to wear three or more layers of clothing at all times. It may not look like it but he loves to pile on the vests underneath his shirt. It feels safe - like nothing can get him - and like a hug that he can get out of at any time.

Tank:
He eats what he’s given. He doesn’t care if someone gets more than him, not really. He’ll make jokes about it or whine occasionally but will always refuse an offer of more unless forced.

He likes to see people provided for. Sated. When he takes care of someone’s need, it relaxes him - he feels like he has temporarily earned the right to be comfortable when everyone else is pleased.

Takeo:
He has a massive appetite but it serves to be very problematic - his stomach can’t handle normal amounts of food like everyone else. It makes him thoroughly ill. Instead, he eats little portions of food every few hours, continually loading up on food but not having enough in him to make him feel sick. He’ll always have a pouch on him with nibbles inside.

Whenever he feels like he is losing his grip on reality, he uses his knife to place little cuts on his body. One for each time, starting on his hands and slowly filling his body. After adding a new one, he counts them. The numbers help but the counting takes him forever.

Nikolai:
He can’t quite kick the habbit from his childhood of scrounging for more food, even when he doesn’t need it. He has, however, become a lot more subtle in his actions. Still, that isn’t really saying much because the crew catches on quickly. It’s okay, it works out with their habbits - Edward gives the excess of his share to Nikolai, Tank won’t complain and works to make Nikolai feel better about doing it and Takeo? Nikolai works to remind Takeo of when he should next eat and in return, they share snacks between rounds.

Nikolai doesn’t trust emotional bonds - he’s been hurt enough times to learn that bad things happen when you get attached. He thinks that with the crew though… It might just be worth it in the end.

31 Days to Knowing Your Worth
Day 9/31: You Are Worth More Than Many Sparrows

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. - Mt. 10:29-31 (NIV)

Have you ever had a moment in your life where things were going pretty well and you felt like you were finally starting to get a sense of your identity? Maybe things were going pretty good at work, and your boss finally recognized it. Maybe the person you were talking to romantically was finally starting to take you a little more seriously and see what you were worth. Maybe you finally reached your academic goals or your fitness goals and you couldn’t help but feel a sense of commitment.

Even though it’s normal to feel good when things are going good, we can never let the good things happening in our lives become our fuel. Because when they do, they start to become our identity.

This is so important because what happens when things start to go from good to bad? What happens in those moments where we find ourselves tossing and turning in the middle of the night and we have no idea why? What happens when we become attached to the approval we get from others, and we find ourselves wanting to do things we know we shouldn’t, like give ourselves away to them sexually or to do anything at work just to keep the money coming? It’s a dark and lonely path to live that way. Especially when we know how much God loves and cares for us.

In today’s passage these words of Jesus remind us that we are in the Father’s care. He sees us with great value. He sees us with great worth. So often times we take this for granted because it might feel like God cares, but not in a personal way. But that’s not the case at all. Through Jesus Christ, the way that God looks after us is very personal and it’s something we have to live for. We can’t live for achieving fitness goals or academic goals. We can’t live for getting married. We have to live for Him, knowing that in His arms we will find our true worth and true identity.

Biblical context + further reading: Mt. 10