god I hate live action Beauty and the Beast: a roast post
I’m sick of yall telling me I gotta like this glitter glue cupcake and that if I don’t I’m a monster. Here’s a list of everything I hate personally and you can’t stop me
*Oh my God the beast face. Ooooh my god. They reduced his animalistic features so he no longer has the trademark hunch, lowered brow, or tusks. He has little baby vampire teeth. Pathetic. Give him tusks you cowards
*Because they reduced that it looks like a human face with a large nose photoshopped onto an uncomfortably large buffalo head and it made me queasy every time he was on screen
*Nearly all the object servants have hollow soulless beady eyes which also weirded me out to the point where I wanted them off the screen as soon as possible
*The camerawork for Evermore suggests it’s supposed to be sweeping and grand but why in God’s good name did they go through all the trouble and effort into writing a bland and inferior version of If I Can’t Love Her that isn’t musically interesting and doesn’t reach the high notes it should. Go listen to If I Can’t Love Her and then Evermore and tell me which one is better. Spoiler alert. It’s not Evermore.
*Everything is so extra. Please let me rest. Literally does everything need 3 layers of tarnished gold filigree. Leave my eyes alone
*Cry “practical simple elegance” all you want, that dress looks like a $100 Macy’s prom dress and was clearly designed for easy merchandising. At the very least give her the gloves oh my god
*why the F U C K would you take out the iconic stained glass intro for live action
*Emma Watson can’t sing. If they did put the Broadway songs in, no way could she pull off Home. She can’t do it. No harm in it but she wasn’t cut out for these songs
*They put the cut line about growing a beard again back in which implies Belle is a massive furry and into ripped buffalo men
*Lefou being gay is fine. I’m glad Disney at least attempted some kind of representation after all these years. But I really wish that his happy ending A: wasn’t a short 2 second clip at the end and B: Didn’t involve the other guy being from a man-in-a-dress joke that the audience was seemingly supposed to laugh at because that seems to imply that Disney thinks men trying feminine clothing and liking it instantly makes them gay which is giving me very bad 1990s Will and Grace vibes which should not be going on in 2017
*fuck i hate the beast’s big weird face
*I don’t know if it’s just me but the CGI makes it look like there’s a bigger age gap than there really is which also worsens the terminal case of Big Weird Face syndrome
*Lumiere is cheating the curse because he’s technically just a tiny brass man.
*Don’t know why Plumette has a bird face. That was freaking me out too
*Court composer maestro piano man is giving me very deep and horrifying flashbacks to the Tim Curry CGI Organ Guy from enchanted christmas and I never want that to be remembered
*Beast’s big lumpy photoshopped uncanny valley baby fangs lumpy lump face on his lumpy head
*removed illiterate Beast subplot
*no Human Again. It’s been 15 years. At least give me that
Long story short I will unapologetically hate this unnecessary cash grab for the fraud that I believe it is, knowing all the while yall ate it up and we’re gonna have to sit through more years of excessive live action remakes because of your collective buffoonery. If you like it, fine. I can’t stop you. But at least know the reason it was made wasn’t out of popular demand.
An attempt to design a slightly more period-appropriate dress for belle. 🤔 the diamond pattern should have more of a detailed embroidery look between them, it’s not a patterned fabric but rather one with thick embroidery forming the lines. I like the one from the movie pretty well!! I just wanted to give fashion design my first shot and I think it turned out nicely? 😊 let me know what you think, thanks ~~~
1. BELLARKE (Bellamy Blake + Clarke Griffin, The 100)
I would be lying to myself and everyone else if I said that these two dorks haven’t become my OTP of all time. Nothing will ever beat them for me. These two beautiful souls whose lives on the Ark dictated that were never supposed to meet, fell down to earth together only to find their heart and soul in each other. They are canonically each others’ weakness but even more beautiful is that they canonically give each other strength. The only people they care about more than each other are their actual blood related families. Their enemies-to-friends-to-lovers (the later yet to be explicitly canon) tore me into itty bitty pieces and their journey of growing to respect, trust, care about, and eventually love the other has me in tears at the most inappropriate times. All in all, nothing will ever satisfy the hole they’ll leave in my heart after this show is over (#brooke is bellarke trash)
2. Percabeth (Percy Jackson + Annabeth Chase, The Percy Jackson series)
(Gotta love the dark-haired boy with light-haired girl aesthetic).
I’m pretty sure this pairing was the first time I actually shipped something, before I even knew what shipping was. I read this series when I was super young and absolutely fell in love with them. And apparently I’m a sucker for friends-to-lovers because holy shit this is probably one of the best and healthiest examples of that and I love it. And screw anyone that says that your best friend can’t be your lover. To that I say your lover should be your best friend. Props to Rick for making this one of the coolest relationship developments i’ve ever read/seen (second after bellarke of course)
3. PB & J (Pam Beasley + Jim Halpert, The Office)
Where do I even start??? These two are probably the biggest dorks i’ve watched fall in love. Honestly, their love was so pure and true. And honestly one of my favorite scenes with Jim is when he completely rejects that one girl in s8 while they’re on a business trip (i can’t even bother to look her name up rn) because it helps shows just how committed and loyal they are to each other and ugh, they are honestly #goals.
4. Jily (James Potter + Lily Evans, The Harry Potter series)
In terms of “fanon” I think this is as close as it gets for me because even though we all know that they get married and are actually super in love with each other, we never really get to see that first hand. The only times we hear about them are when someone else is describing it. But to me, at least the way I see their relationship, it’s beautiful. It’s a story of growth, and maturing, and bravery, and tragedy. They died so young and had so much more of a life to live with their son whom they no doubt loved with all of their being. I just can’t help but imagine how much Harry’s life would have been different had he been able to grow up in a house with parents who loved both him and each other unconditionally.
5. Ten Rose (The Tenth Doctor + Rose Tyler, Doctor Who)
This was a big one for me. Before Bellarke they were my OTP. I was absolutely in love with both Billy Piper and David Tennant’s portrayal of these two characters. Rose Tyler was the actual loml. She was spunky, and happy, and wonderful. And so was Ten. They complemented each other so well and both of them brought the other down to earth when one would get lost in the clouds. AND I WAS AN ABSOLUTE DISASTER WHEN I WATCHED DOOMSDAY! I LITERALLY CRIED FOR DAYS ABOUT HOW THE DOCTOR WAS ABOUT TO BUT NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” AND OH GOD I’M GONNA START CRYING!!!!
So there you go! All of the ships that leave me on a puddle when it’s least convenient. And looking back I realize I’m actually huge trash for the “friends-to-lovers” trope. But i mean, is it all that bad??
A friend of mine said the live action Beauty and the Beast was “one of the worst remakes I have ever seen. It was trying too hard to make a statement, it forgot what movie it was. How bad is it? Spoiler alert: it has teleportation in it. Yeah, apparently that exists in Beauty and the Beast”
Bitch there’s a fucking MAGIC ROSE and TALKING HOME DECOR and you’re bitching about the so called “teleportation?!” And “trying so hard to be a statement?” Gtfoh.