The White Knight – I love this guy. I mean, is there anyone better than this
guy? Who’s that he’s snapping himself with? Her? So what, he likes girls half his
age? Wouldn’t YOU like girls half your
age if you were an amazing rock star who is perfect? Anyway, whose business is it what he does in
his free time? IF YOU DON’T APPROVE THEN
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. HE IS AWESOME AND AMAZING AND THIS ONE TIME HE GAVE ME A
HUG AND I KNEW ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AND THERE IS NO WAY THIS GUY CAN BE
HUMAN HE’S SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL AND FANTASTIC AND YOU WILL BELIEVE LIKE I DO!
I WILL DEFEND HIM TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH AND THE BRINK OF INSANITY. I WILL SPEAK IN ALL CAPS FOREVER AND I WILL
HUNT DOWN THOSE WHO DISAGREE WITH ME BECAUSE THERE CAN BE NO DISSONANCE IN THIS
IDEA. COME FELLOW BELIEVERS LET’S TAKE
THEM DOWN!!!!! (Actually I used more punctuation than they normally do but you
get the point)
The Turn a Blind Eye – I love this guy. I mean, is there anyone better than this
guy? Who’s that he’s snapping himself
with? Her? Isn’t she kind of skanky? *Sits with uncomfortable feeling* No matter, I’m here for the professional
guy. He’s a super talented man and I
want to only be a part of and understand his professional life. That’s all he
wants me to know about anyway.
Therefore, from this day forward I will no longer associate myself with
any knowledge of his personal life and I encourage you to do the same. We are here for the professional, not the
personal. Yes, I saw those pictures and
that’s curious but *PLUGS UP EARS WHILE HUMMING LALALALALALALALALA*. There, that’s better. Let’s focus on how cute he is in this
The Realist – I love this guy. I mean, is there anyone better than this
guy? Who’s that he’s snapping himself with?
Her? Is he serious? What the hell? I thought he was SMART? What a dumbass. This next piece of work from him better be
good enough to distract me from this really eye opening moment. I mean seriously, he is a real charmer when
he wants to be but I may reach a point where his trainwreck personal choices
may make me like is professional stuff a little less. Oh look! He posted something witty or funny
or endearing. OK, maybe he isn’t as bad
as I thought. He can have another shot but I’m seriously side-eyeing him for a
bit. Wait, who the hell is this one???
The Shipper- I love this guy. I mean, is there anyone better than this
guy? Who’s that he’s snapping himself with? Her? Oh, she’s so pretty. I could never be that pretty. He would never find someone like me
interesting in any way. I wish I could
be more like her. She’s clearly an
awesome human being. Maybe if I follow
her and support their relationship I can bask in the reflective glow of their
love. I will never have anything like
this in my life so I will be happy by proxy.
*posts to gal pal’s IG* “you are a goddess of beauty and I adore you and
this guy together” *goes online to shout
from the social media rooftops* “IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS COUPLE! I
MEAN LOOK AT THEM AND THEIR HAPPINESS AND THEY ARE CLEARLY MAKING SWEET SWEET
LOVE AND THE BABIES WILL COME SOON AND WE WILL ALL BE SO HAPPY BECAUSE THEY
WILL MAKE US ALL HAPPY WITH THEIR LOVE”.
The Apologist – I love this guy. I mean, is there anyone
better than this guy? Who’s that he’s
snapping himself with? Her? Well, that’s interesting. I wonder what he’s doing with her? I mean, that isn’t the kind of person I would
think he would really like (someone like me or a better version of me).
Clearly, she’s there to replace his toothbrush head. See, I can prove this because six months ago
she talked about changing careers and she posted about going to the dentist and
I think she started really looking into different kinds of toothbrushes and we
all know our guy went to the dentist two months ago too because he posted those
pictures. Maybe they have the same toothbrush
and he asked her over for advice on picking the best one. We don’t know what really happens behind
closed doors is all I’m saying. I’m
pretty sure last year she was dating some guy and I heard they are engaged so…..
The On the Ledge - I love this guy. I mean, is there anyone better than this guy? Who’s that he’s snapping himself with? Her? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? THAT SKANK? THAT LOWLIFE WHORE? I CAN’T BELIEVE I INVESTED MY TIME AND MONEY IN THIS DOUCHEBAG AND HE BETRAYS ME BY BEING THE SCUM OF THE EARTH. THAT TEARS IT!!! I AM REMOVING ALL MY FANGIRL ACCOUNTS AND ERASING HIM ENTIRELY FROM MY LIFE! HE WON’T EVER GET A SINGLE DIME OF MY MONEY EVER AGAIN. *flounces out of the room to return 30 minutes later*