beatyfull

My comming out story

I am born in the Netherlands in a city called Den Bosch. I am 18 years old and came out of the closet very resently (about two months ago).

I have known I am gay ever since I was 8 years old. Boys were always more special to me than girls. The thing was just that I didn’t accept myself for who I was. It kept me up at night thinking that I was already different in so many ways and now this too.

I never accepted that I was gay so I started dating girls. I had girlfriend after girlfriend but it never filled the hole I got in my heart. Just that feeling that you need to hold back every emotion you feel inside. But I never wanted to accept the true reason why that hole was there. 

This hole in my heart grew over the years. This feeling of not belonging in a group of people constently pretending nothing was wrong and I was happy destroyed me from the inside. So I thought about it more and more and it became a obsession. I was 14 years old when I slept with a girl for the first time. And after I told myself thats what it should feel like and love is noting more than that one night stand I had with that girl. So I slept with more girls but it was never the feeling I expected or what I thought love should feel like.

When I was young I stoped believing that love existed. It may sound strange but I never thought “oh maybe I just dont like girls but I like boys instead’’. That is because I never felt like behaving like the steariotypical gay. And that just didn’t  work in my head. How I could be gay while I behaved as a straight boy.

When I was 16-17 years old I had my first chrush on a guy. He had been a friend to me for many years but I just started to like him in a really strange way. (He came out of the closet a long time before that, so yes he is gay.) I just started thinking about him a lot and i couldnt get this image out of my head from me and him walking hand in hand down the beach. It gave me a really weired feeling. It was the happiest and at the same time scariest thought ever to me. Why it was so scary to me was because i had never thought of someone that way and i didnt know what it ment.

one year later i started seeing him more. We had a group of friends and hang out together a lot since than. One time I stayed at his home too sleep after we went out. the wole group of friend was there and we slept on the floor in his living room. I ended up next to him. and then out of nothing he lay against me and i felt a really weird feeling going through my body like a shiver, only this felt really good and than he layed one arm over me. I felt a feeling go through me that i never felt before like a worm fussy feeling. than i turned around and looked him in the eyes. he looked back at me and than he kissed me.

the next morning I was really scared. I just had one thought in my mind. “you were right all those years, something is different about you”. And i finnaly felt like I had found my place in the world. one week later I told my parents. they were shoked they did not see it comming at all. But they accepted me for who I really am. And since I told my parents I started telling people that were close to me mostly friends and family.

Never let a steriotype influence your thinking.

Never let other peoples opinion driveout your own inner voice.

Be who you are from the inside and don’t let people influence the way you are?