beat ed

Let’s be real about quasi-recovery.

I bought these jeans four years ago right before going into treatment the first time. I don’t know why I kept them but I always figured that they would be too tight now. Especially because up until this year I was living a life in recovery.

This year. I went back into treatment in July. I did a few months and decided I was ok enough to drop down to iop and then I just quit going. I thought bc I was “eating” I was ok now.

and I am eating. Eating SO much more than I did when I was in my eating disorder. But I play it super safe…perhaps too safe. I eat lots of fruits, veggies, and proteins. Some starches occasionally and cartons of vanilla almond milk! *i also over indulge on coffee and tea-which I recognize as part of my ed*

The thing is everyone around me keeps coming to me for advice on how to eat as “healthy” as I do. Because they see me eating bowls of fruit and quest bars and cans of tuna and roasted veggies.

It wasn’t until I put on these jeans today that I realized, I’m still not there. These jeans were from when I was ill years ago. Now I’m really toned in my appendages, but tinier. I didn’t believe my doctors when they told me my weight was dropping because I’m “eating”. I’ve been “bulldozing” fruits and veggies and protein. I can’t be losing! Im ready to run a marathon!!

But in all honesty. I’m ready to stop denying the fact that I’m not living in true recovery. I am ready to get real. I’m so over not being ready to eat with people and obsessing over how food it’s prepared. I’m ready.

(SORRY FOR UGLY PIC!!) ok SO I this may not seem like a big deal at all to some people but burritos have been a huge fear food of mine for a really long time. I never used to let myself eat more than half, even if it meant stopping eating before I was full. All today I was having really horrible body image and when my dad suggested getting burritos for dinner my anxiety went through the roof. But I remembered one of my close friends in EDIOP telling me that whenever she was having a bad body image day she would always make a point to challenge herself. So we got burritos (I got a vegan burrito w/ extra guac) and I ate the whole thing! I want to one day be able to eat without feeling guilt afterwards. I also wanted to say that EVEN IF YOU ARE WEIGHT RESTORED OR OUT OF TREATMENT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD STOP CHALLENGING YOURSELF!! I know that for me I often justify avoiding fear foods because I am weight restored. Pro tip for beating ED’s ass:challenge urself w a fear food. :))

im honestly TRYING to get into the community on here and make new pals but i go in the tags and all i see are pro-ed blogs with those stupid black and white pictures and its like???? HELLO this is a RECOVERY tag what the actual heck. and also i havent found rlly ppl with binge ed???without restriction?? bc its obviously easier to relate to tht for me than people w anorexia or restricting bulimia….IDK jst some thoughts