bears' cave

Spring comes into Quebec from the west. It is the warm Japan Current that brings the change of season to the east coast of Canada, and then the West Wind picks it up. It comes across the prairies in the breath of the Chinook, waking up the grain and caves of bears. It flows over Ontario like a dream of legislation, and it sneaks into Quebec, into our villages, between our birch trees. In Montreal the cafes, like a bed of tulip bulbs, sprout from their cellars in a display of awnings and chairs. In Montreal spring is like an autopsy. Everyone wants to see the inside of the frozen mammoth. Girls rip off their sleeves and the flesh is sweet and white, like wood under green bark. From the streets a sexual manifesto rises like an inflating tire, “The winter has not killed us again!”
—  leonard cohen, beautiful losers
Awesome Megafauna Skulls!

My last weird and awesome skull post was really popular, so I decided to do one about something else I’m excessively interested in: Megafauna! This isn’t at all a comprehensive list of the coolest ones, not by a long shot, so you should definitely look up some of the BBC docs on Youtube or google ones from your continent!

The cave bear! (N. America)

‘Hell Pigs’ (N. America) Actually entelodonts, unrelated to pigs at all and more closely tied to hippos and cetaceans! Dat sagittal crest amirite

The Stag Moose  @allosauroid brought to my attention that this is the skull of the Irish elk, Megaloceros, not a stag moose! (Eurasia) Which stood 6 foot at the shoulder/withers

Platybelodon (widespread) Google artist renditions of these guys, you won’t be disappointed

Barbourofelis! (N. America) Like a smaller smilodon, with much cooler teeth. Look at those incisors!

Megatherium (S. America) Primitive sloths the size of elephants!

Titanus Walleri (N. America) Other continents had equally large if not larger ‘terror birds’

Paraceratherium (Eurasia) One of the largest terrestrial mammals we’ve ever discovered. It was actually a species of hornless rhino! Google artist recs of these guys, too

Diprotodon (Australia) The largest known marsupial, which was the size of a hippopotamus and stood 6 feet tall

I saved Glyptodon (S. America) for last, because these things have some of the weirdest skulls I’ve ever seen. They were technically armadillos, but reached the size of a Volkswagen Beetle!

Literally How

Context: Our group of four consisting of two half elfs, a human, and a dwarf where on a quick fetch quest to grab some wolf pelts to make a tent. Our DM decided that surrounded us with a entire pack of wolves was an excellent idea so after twenty minutes of scrambling, three of us where unconscious. Leaving our tank of the group, the dwarf who has almost no health left and absolute shit speech craft. 

DM: *looking way to excited* “As your team mates lie freezing at your feet surrounded by dead wolves, you hear a loud grunting noise”

Half elf (OOC): “Its a fucking bear. Its a bear, hes going to die my body is going to freeze on a mountain for all of eternity.”

DM: *looking even more excited* “A bear emerges from a cave and roars loudly in your face” (at the dwarf)

Dwarf: “I would like to scare away the bear”

DM: “I’m sorry what?”

Dwarf: “I would like to scare away the bear by screaming back at it”

DM: “Are- are you sure? Thats a speech craft roll.”

Dwarf: “Yes” *with a completely straight face*

*The rest of the team is sitting around the table in defeat ready to freeze on a mountain forever*

*The dwarf takes the D20 and rolls a crit success* 

DM: “Are you fucking serious”

The team all at once: “YES. YES. YES. YES.” *laughing hysterically*

DM *with his face in his hand*: “You open your mouth and let lose a roar so loud the bear turns tail and flees from the party”

Dwarf: “I am officially scarier then a bear” *while the team highfives him irl and the DM drops his head on the table*

4

PRE-HISTORIC VISIONS: PSYCHEDELIC CAVE BEAR SKELETON SERIES


(A SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL BONUS POST FROM MY VAULTS.
AN EARLY ATTEMPT OF PHOTO EDITING.
THE CAVE BEAR SKELETON IS EXHIBITED AT THE COLOGNE UNIVERSITY.)

Half the party is asleep by the road, the half orc fighter and the high elf wizard go to fight a cave bear.

Half-orc: doing 50+ damage a turn but doesn’t seem to have big effect on the bear.

Wizard(ooc): I better help him out, I cast fireball on the bear

Wizard: rolls a 1.

Dm: Your fireball goes past the bear into its cave and you hear the dying yelp of a cave bear cub.

CONFESSION:  After working with a sanctuary in Cambodia that works with bears rescued from bear bile farms (don’t google it, extreme animal cruelty) I’ve developed a deep fondness for bears and and worry about Chauncey - is he okay? Is he a happy bear? I hope in DA4 he has a companion bear so he’s not lonely! (I also will not fight bears and found the cave full of nailed bear heads deeply upsetting)            

Thing I love about stripping

Instead of all the wise women being haggard and desexualized, the wise women are multitudinous and their sexuality is fluid.  One can be grinding on a customer while whispering advice in your ear to make a sale while another makes a bear cave out of sweatshirts under the makeup counter and eats a pizza while spewing drunk advice about the best way to deal with sports injuries.  The stripper on the side stage hanging twerks while suggesting take out options, while a disembodied voice from the tanning bed tells you to not let boys make you feel unwanted.  Make up fixes, flexibility exercises, tax advice.  There is always someone who has an answer. 

Youtubers ( and a few significant others ) as horror movie clichés :

Pewdiepie — the guy who came prepared. He probably brought a baseball bat, some flares and a flashlight with extra batteries. He also has a few chocolate bars or granola bars because he’s always hungry. Refuses to use his flashlight until he’s sure they need it because he’s afraid to run out of batteries. 

Probably gets scared by rats.

Worries constantly about his dogs whom he left at home.

Jacksepticeyedelightfully unprepared but the prepared guys sidekick. He’s the wise cracker and makes up the plans which no one is ever sure will work. When the time comes to leave the house, he always thinks it’s a good idea stay away from caves because caves hold bears and bears are dangerous.

Markiplierthe avid horror movie watcher. Constantly suspicious, probably opens doors unnecessarily to make sure nothing is there. Willingly puts himself in danger to reassure himself and everyone that there is nothing to be feared when they all know there is. Probably springs all the traps but never gets hurt.

He’s afraid of bear traps.

Will crawl into Amy’s arms if they pass a bear trap.

God damn bear traps.

CutiepieMarzia The brains. Thinks it was a bad idea to come here in the first place. She probably almost got into a fist fight with her boyfriend about it and he locked the car doors and windows so she couldn’t get out. As reassured that ‘everything will be fine, I’m prepared.’

Amy/Peeblesthe optimist. She’s always smiling but always thinks she hears something; typically talks through her smile because this way no one will panic. The supportive girlfriend. Also known to hold the other girlfriends’ hands because girls must be there for girls and her boyfriend’s not the PDA sort of guy.

Molly & Wade ( Foxtrot44 & LordMinion777 )— the soon to be wedded couple who were convinced to come here because the fear will make their bond stronger. Molly’s prepared to fight, Wade hides behind her. They make a good team though, a Shaggy and Scooby sort of duo ‘cept Molly is brave as hell.

KickThePJ — probably thinks the murderer is a genius because of the expertise of his traps. Voted most likely to be a serial killer in this life or the next but everyone loves him. It has been noted that his fear faces are the absolute best. Is the first to run into the woods and beg everyone else to follow him.

Bob ( Muyskerm )— the cameraman who always runs first. Usually followed by the most delightful of 'fuck YOU’s. Was dragged here by Mark. His wife was against it but OH, WELL. He giggles when afraid which isn’t the best thing to do.

Signe/WiishuThe unafraid. Most likely to hit the killer over the head with a board because she’s super aware of her surroundings. She takes no one’s shit. Also, do not touch her boyfriend, if he has so much as a bruise, she’ll claw your eyes out.

Probably the person to kill the killer.

Also questions,’ if I murder a murderer does that make me a murderer?’

Voted World’s Cutest Potential Murderer.

Lilly Singh & Connor Franta : The lookouts. The pair of friends who came along just to come along but refused to leave the cars. The two who, when it comes down to it, try to call the cops but damn, there’s no service

Too bad, so sad.

 Least you tried.

This fearsome Fossil Friday appeared in early cave paintings!

Ursus spelaeus is a cave bear that lived 14,000 years ago. Cave bears, although related to the largest living bears the Arctic, lived only in Europe. Cave finds in the Alps are evidence that the bears’ habitat extended up to altitudes of 6,300 feet. Most of the tens of thousands of remains found are of young and old animals that died during hibernation. Skull accumulations and depictions in cave paintings show that the bears were important to ice age humans.

This fossil is located in the Hall of Advanced Mammals.

AMNH/D.Finnin