beardless!!

yknow what. it’s in the am hours. ive had at least 2 alcoholic beverages tonighit. and i have decided that once im out of tech school im gonna get a degree in ye olde literature just so i can write a groundbreaking paper about how cu chulainn (the actual myth one not the anime one) is a fucking trans icon. my guy is incredibly trans. lets just take a good look at the facts here folks

-these stories were written down by monks with an obviously christian agenda they edited the story to adhere to, in some parts more obviously so than others. considering the roman catholic hatred of trans people at the time, it would not be unreasonable to assume that if cu chulainn was in fact trans in the originals that were being written down said monks would attempt to cover that up by making him cis.

-dude changed his name which is a very trans™ thing 2 do obviously

-the whole thing with the curse and how he was the only one ready to throw the fuck down while all the other men were in bed with the pains of birth like this is such a classic example of using gendered language in magic shenanigans to ur advantage

-often described as being small & beardless “this is supposed to show he’s young” but is it really??? it’s not uncommon for masculine women to be mistaken for young men and him being both notably small and unable to grow a beard is brought up several times in text. either way it’s not like being young and being trans are mutually exclusive. really makes you think.

-alright here’s the big kicker that really says Cu Chulainn Is Trans 2 me in big shiny letters: he had to prove himself as Really Being That Tough over & over again to a frankly ridiculous degree. multiple times (at least 2 in the tain bo cuailnge that i can remember rn) there’s some enemy fuck who knows god damn well the one in front of them is cu mother fucking chulainn who has been absolutely obliterating his enemies by the hundreds but the moment they see him & notice he’s beardless (again, this is usually interpreted as meaning he’s young but that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case) they’re like “nah I’m not fighting that get me a real enemy” and cu has to put on a fake beard to convince them he really is A Big Tough Dude Who Can Kick Your Ass. another time in the tain cu used his sick sword skills to make a fool of someone who was mocking him and the fucking idiot didn’t stop even after cu literally shaved the guys head clear & cut off his clothes with a sword. there’s one story (called bricriu’s feast) of a competition where cu easily beat everyone by a wide margin in everything they compete in but none of the other contestants wanted to accept the result so they kept bringing in other judges trying to get someone other than cu to be declared winner. 

there’s this really weird refusal of people in the ulster cycle to accept that cu chulainn is as good at things as he is (specifically things considered masculine like fighting) and idk about all yall but that really fucking screams good old fashioned transphobia to me lads. like trans folks are still dealing with this shit in modern day with athletes not being allowed to compete with their own fucking gender bc it ~wouldnt be fair~ or other such nonsense. this fuck shit with ppl absolutely refusing to acknowledge cu as possibly being good at Man Things is incredibly Trans Relatable™.

-ALSO i just remembered this but there’s also at least one and i’m pretty sure more than one time where cu talks to people who are like “yea we’re trying to hunt down cu chulainn” and they don’t realise he is in fact that very same cu chulainn or are even remotely suspicious of him which would make a lot more sense if they mistook him for a woman

in conclusion: hes trans

i’d like to contribute to brazilian!grantaire faceclaims

his name is Gabriel Leone, he’s an actor and dsoarçkflak~ i m e an (his ig account)

i m E A N

like,,,, look at this dude

with a longer hair

even beardless i just,,,,,,,

i MEAN

bonus: 

he was fiyero in two or three performances of the brazilian production of wicked

somethingofavoid  asked:

could you point me in the direction of the evidence that alexander the great was a bottom? I absolutely don't doubt it's true but I've never seen anyone say otherwise so I figure there's some proof of some sort I'm missing, but couldn't find anything myself

you didn’t find anything because there is no proof, and in fact, the sources tell us the precise opposite. so why did i say he bottomed in my joke post? let’s get into it.

A (SIMPLIFIED) PRIMER: in ancient old mediterranean times it didn’t matter if you were a man who boned men or women – you should probs do both – but what mattered VERY much was whether you topped or bottomed. are you old enough to have a beard? now you’re too old to bottom. pederasty was the name of the game in the south (think athens) especially. if macedon followed these same sexual mores, we can’t be sure, tho they were likely similar. 

now that you know this, take note that hephaestion was actually older than alexander, taller, and more masculine and impressive-looking. according to the above – that’s called the dover model – it should be a given that hephaestion topped, right? or that they didn’t have a relationship at all, considering they were so close in age, and the dover model mandates a big age difference. then why do i have in my pocket two handy examples of hephaestion being identified not only as the bottom but as younger than alexander? observe:

• justin refers to hephaestion as “puer” (”boy” but with connotations in this context of “young pretty bottom boy”) 
• arrian refers to hephaestion as alexander’s “ἐρώμενος” (i.e. alexander’s beardless younger bottom) 

weird, right? we could take this at face value, discounting all that we factually know about hephaestion, or we could take a look at how romans of the late republic/early principate – when these biographies were penned – viewed sexuality in their own society, and how that may have influenced the way they interpreted alexander and hephaestion.

late republic/early principate sexual mores were a bit different from classical greek mores in that, simplified version, the socially superior partner had to top, and the supremely socially inferior – like a slave or a woman – was to bottom. hephaestion was second man in the empire with a massive presence in court; importantly, he was free-born. if alexander and hephaestion had a sexual relationship, which the roman biographers were fairly certain they did, that meant to the romans that hephaestion was either sleeping his way to the top (a common late republic sentiment – cicero used it against antony, like, hourly) which is very not befitting for, you know, the top general in the empire, or – worse – that alexander was a tyrant who was raping his second in command, and hephaestion wasn’t man enough to fight back against it. yikes. even worse option than that to the romans? alexander, king of kings, was taking the d from someone below his status. no matter what the evidence said – like hephaestion’s age and physicality and what we know about alexander’s personality, which i’ll get to in a minute – that was literally unthinkable. 

so the principate biographers lied. yep. in order to better mould hephaestion to their worldview, some bent the history so that hephaestion was younger and prettier (justin), or just plain unimportant enough that being alexander’s ἐρώμενος was socially acceptable (arrian). some laid into the nepotism angle even if they didn’t explicitly state fucking as the cause of it (plutarch). 

take-home message? history is malleable: like a memory, it never remains whole and accurate. the more often we pull it from the shelf, the more often it gets rewritten. 

idk, oprah. proof isn’t a thing that really exists for this period. but now that we know the roman histories are sometimes fake news, here’s some stuff supporting alexander bottoming: 

good evidence: historiography & the dover model

• what the romans had to say about hephaestion and alexander’s relationship is lowkey lies, so even tho we can’t definitively say hephaestion topped, we know that pretty much all evidence that hephaestion bottomed is not legitimate. that means the opposite could be true.

• alexander was younger than hephaestion, infamously remained beardless, and was physically smaller, which means that if macedonians followed southern sexual mores, and if alexander and hephaestion in particular even cared about bringing social politics into the bedroom (see how many variables?) then alexander would’ve bottomed 

pretty okay evidence: character extrapolation 

• i’ve had a prof bring up in class the fact that alexander was too soft for his parents, who worried he was effeminate, which we can safely interpret as “worried he was a bottom” – playing the lyre, not wanting to get it on with anyone in a way befitting a red-blooded macedonian guy, sleeping with the iliad under his pillow, other assorted twink activities. from his annoying high-pitched voice to the fact that he started dressing persian – seen as effeminate to macedonians – it’s pretty much accepted that he was an effeminate dude in his day. not conclusive, definitely problematic as being indicative of sexual position preference, but it is an argument i have seen.

not-really evidence but a component relevant to our discussion of the insidious crawl of unintentional historiography: 

• mary renault ran amok with the bottom/top thing in her books and made alexander finally topping and becoming a “man” into a whole arc in the persian boy, and it’s a fairly pervasive narrative in historical fiction that he’s a somewhat effeminate bottom. this isn’t historical evidence, but it shows how the narrative shifts – this interpretation, so widely distributed in fiction, is now undeniably present in our shared consciousness. (my joke post, which was geared toward an audience of like literally one person, was more about this.)

a final note is that people are just people, and we tend to forget that when we get so caught up in how fun it is to study ancient cultures. but at the end of the day, no matter the mores of their location and period, people are gonna fuck how they want, where they want, who they want, and when they want. like any other pair of young guys getting it on, i’d bet you ten bucks, realistically, that they switched. 

(source 1)
(source 2

Gotta Shave this Shit

Title: Gotta Shave this Shit

Characters: Negan x You/Reader

Synopsis: Negan wants to rid his beard and wants you to help.

Warnings: NSFW, swearing, Negan himself is a warning lol

Note: ‘Cause I think beardless Negan needs more love. Honestly feeling meh about this but I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind. Hope you guys would still enjoy!

“You busy tonight, sweetheart?”

It was only when Negan’s shadow loomed over your figure on the couch that you looked up and realized that it was you he was talking to. Even after noticing how Negan’s eyes were glued on you and you alone, you still bothered to look around the lounge area to make sure that you weren’t hallucinating. You weren’t a new wife, in fact, you were the third one (out of six) but you were aware that Negan has his favorites. Sherry and Amber topped Negan’s list but the other wives still get their share of Negan’s time.

You’ve had your moments with Negan too, but they weren’t as much as the rest so you assumed that you were that girl— one who was easily forgotten. It was really hard to believe that Negan was really talking to you.

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