Every Dynasty Warriors  character in two sentences (includes DW9) Part 1: Shu

Zhao Yun: Has not got the memo that overuse of the words ‘spear’ and ‘dragon’ can be seen as sexual euphemisms. Still uses them to this day.

Guan Yu: Massive beard complex. Makes himself look powerful to hide the fact he’s had to raise four kids.

Zhang Fei: The aggressive drunk you’d find in a pub. Only shirtless and with weapons to kill you with.

Liu Bei: Found out about this cool new word called ‘benevolence’ and now uses it as much as he can in every sentence. His popularity solely stems from his moustache.

Zhuge Liang: That cryptic teacher in school that gives vague answers that make you more confused than before. Accidentally gave Liu Bei the definition of ‘benevolence’ and has regretted it ever since.

Ma Chao: Was into horses BEFORE it was cool. May or may not have been charged with bestiality on three separate occasions.

Huang Zhong: YOUNG PUNKS, GET OFF MAH LAWN! The grandpa that will do insanely childish challenges and win no matter what.

Jiang Wei: Is genuinely surprised that people don’t worship Zhuge Liang as a god. You can’t tell if he has throat cancer or if his voice is just that grating.

Wei Yan: So fed up with Zhuge Liang’s bulls**t he can’t bother making coherent sentences. Might be Meng Huo’s love child.

Pang Tong: Smartass supreme. Would be a cool friend if he didn’t insult your family every time he came over.

Yueying: The one that’s forced to clear up Zhuge Liang’s bulls**t. Secretly smarter than her husband but allows him a fleeting feeling of superiority.

Guan Ping: Daddy complex. Sexual preference: whoever beats him up.

Xingcai: The one to keep s**t together in Shu. Always looks into the camera like it’s ‘The Office’.

Liu Shan: Resident wimp of the series that’s not what he seems. Also known as my reason for living.

Ma Dai: Hats. With flair.

Guan Suo: Step one on ‘how to make a guy have a flower motif without looking gay’. His kicks are higher than his self-esteem (that is, not that high if you think about it).

Bao Sanniang: One bladed yoyo away from becoming a yandere. Once requested to be buried surrounded by cats.

Xu Shu: Mama’s boy. Didn’t get the Assassin’s creed gig but still kept the outfit.

Zhang Bao: Proof that flashing is genetic. His weapon compensates for the fact he cannot sexually please a lady.

Guan Xing: Such a wingman to Zhang Bao he literally sprouted wings. The only one to put up with everything.

Guan Yinping: Too pure for the war. Too oblivious for her own good.

Fa Zheng: The personification of ‘Karma’s a bitch’, emphasis on ‘bitch’. Totally not a stalker, nuh uh, nooooo way.

Zhou Cang: I’m fAst aS F**K BOY! Many mistaken him to be in a mariachi band.