gordon freeman–are you crazy? have you seen this man? gordon freeman destroys helicopters, goddamn alien hunting machines, goddamn alien god-equivalents, you might as well fight ten bears with sharks strapped to their arms. don’t fight gordon freeman. don’t even look at gordon freeman in a suspicious way. d o n ‘ t.
alyx vance–you could probably fight alyx, but why? she’s funny, she’s kind, she’s badass, she’ll probably persuade you to fight with her. if you did fight her, you’d better be jacked up and prepared, though, because she takes a lot of hits and can punch your lights out with the best of them.
barney calhoun–look, man, barney just wants to look after his friends and help people. the guy was a security guard watching nerdy scientists day in and day out. he’s more likely to crack a joke and a beer with you than fight. that said, he can totally kick your ass.
adrian shephard–do it. fight adrian fucking shephard. you’ll probably lose (the guy’s been through almost as much hell as freeman, you don’t just bend over for people after that) but it’ll be worth it. not for any particular reason. he’d just be the most satisfying to punch.
eli vance–”he’s an old scientist dude with a metal bar for a leg, what could go wrong” you think? unknown to you, there’s a goddamn tiger hidden in that affable man, and he will fuck you up even if you do get him on the ground. you’ll feel bad about it, too.
isaac kleiner–no. just no. he’s just a gentle old scientist. if he were someone’s grandpa, he’d probably give them an allowance and all the fun science shit they’d ever want. and a pet headcrab. seriously, he took a headcrab and somehow made it a viable pet. he wouldn’t even fight back if you took a swing at him. he just wants to do science and pet his headcrab. don’t hurt him. i’m tearing up as i write this.
arne masgnusson–i 100% encourage you to fight arne. he’s a pompous stuffed shirt with no heart. he can still make really fucking cool inventions after you rough him up a bit, okay? give him a reason to feel so grumpy. no one will blame you.
judith mossman: ignore all of your “you can’t hit a lady” instincts and such, you should totally fight mossman. just don’t let down your guard; she’s a survivor and can be surprisingly feisty. watch out for her mean uppercut and sense of entitlement to other people’s fates.
wallace breen: FIGHT HIM JUST FIGHT HIM DO IT NOW DO IT FOR ALL OF US!!!!!!11!