i wanna hear all about the cursed child when you finish it haha i've only seen spoilers so far but oh boy lol
ALL THE SPOILERS ARE TRUE AND JUST AS ABJECTLY RIDICULOUS IN CONTEXT AS THEY SOUND OUT OF CONTEXT, H O W E V E R,ALL THE SPOILERS NEGLECTED TO MENTION THAT:
a) everything Scorpius Malfoy says and does will make you want to strap on armour and charge into battle for love of him,
b) one of Scorpius’s first lines is ‘I’ve always regarded the Pepper Imp as the king of the confectionary bag’, which renders the whole Everyone Thinks Scorpius Is Voldemort’s Son subplot/mystery UTTERLY UNNECESSARY because OF COURSE THIS RIDICULOUS CHILD IS THE FRUIT OF DRACO MALFOY’S LOINS,
c) Draco gets some weighty shit to say/is just Redemption Arc AF all the way through, so
d) HAZ AND DRAZ MAKE FRIENDS and
e) Draco gets to join The Gang for World-Saving Hijinks, which means
f) some scenes are DRARRY AF AS FUCK, but mainly
g) everything about this play will make you Team Malfoy Forever, holy shit, like, wtf,
h) at one point Harry and Draco are duelling and Draco goes ‘Keep up, old man’ and Harry’s like ‘WE’RE THE SAME AGE, DRACO’ which made me laugh so hard I had to put the book down for a good five minutes,
i) it also bears mentioning that RON AND HERMIONE ARE IN LOVE IN EVERY TIMELINE, god bless @whoever the hell wrote this thing,
j) speaking of whoever wrote this thing, they took the whole ‘Harry couldn’t really hear the commentary during the first Triwizard Task very well from his position in the Champions’ Tent’ and handed us Ludo Bagman yelling DOG DIGGITY, CEDRIC DIGGORY, YOU ARE A DOGGY DYNAMO! which I will be forever thankful for,
k) Albus and Scorpius make their great escape off the Hogwarts Express while it’s in motion and the trolley witch turns into a terrifying Immortal Guardian of the Train and hurls explosive pasties at them, while casually dropping into the admittedly weird conversation that Fred’n’George and the Marauders all tried to get off the train while it was moving, EMPHASIS ON ‘TRIED’,
l) turns out my SCORP LAD WOT LAD “joke” was completely inaccurate as, world-ending and illegal shenanigans aside, Scorpius and Albus are BORING NERDS, but
m) their entire relationship is a personification of the ‘I would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining’ text post, and
n) I am 100% positive that by the time they turn 16 they will be Experimenting and Laughing It Off while also Staring Wistfully At Each Other While The Other One’s Not Paying Attention, because oh my god, they are completely smitten with each other, LITERALLY,
o) when plot things happen and Harry won’t let them see each other anymore, there’s an ENTIRE MONTAGE of them being DESOLATE AND DISTRAUGHT, the word “heartbroken” is used about both of them, Draco bursts into Harry and Ginny’s house like ‘MY SON IS IN TEARS POTTER, WTF’, it’s all very Fraught and Forbidden Romance-y, and when they’re allowed to be friends again they’re like ‘you’re… the best person I know… you… make me stronger…’ ‘…!! … that’s so nice… I didn’t like my life without you in it… !!!’ and then Albus tells Scorpius he’s kind from the depths of his belly to the tips of his fingers which is the most ROMANTIC SHIT I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE, ALBUS POTTER GOT GAME SON, but anyway, they’re in love, fight me, WHAT ELSE?
p) Harry does all the cooking,
q) Draco gets excited about a farmer’s market,
r) Ron is the fucking best person on planet earth, probably,
s) Harry and Draco burst into Slytherin and try to get up to the dormitory to find Albus and Scorpius and this one kid is yelling at them like ‘PARENTS AREN’T ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE COMMON ROOMS WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF-’ and McGonagall just appears and says ‘Please don’t be tiresome, Craig’ and honestly if I was Craig I’d never show my face again,
t) I forgot to mention that in the weird Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU Scorpius gets to talk to Snape and blah blah blah plot Snape is giving him a pep talk like ‘Think about Albus. You’re giving up your kingdom for Albus, right? One person. All it takes is one person.’ which is just… indescribably romo, and
u) in the Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU dark Draco Malfoy is still better at dadding than regular timeline Harry Potter, which I don’t think any of us saw coming,
v) Harry asks Draco what he wanted to do as a grown-up when he was a kid and Draco says ‘Quidditch. But I wasn’t good enough. Mainly I wanted to be happy.’ which is honestly just fucking savage and I can’t believe I lived through it, ALSO I had to read the line ‘It is exceptionally lonely, being Draco Malfoy’ with my own eyes, so I’m taking tomorrow off work,
w) this incredibly soul-baring and candid convo comes on the heels of HARRY COMING FOR DUMBLEDORE(’S PORTRAIT) ABOUT HOW DUMBLEDORE TREATED HARRY AND I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE. he yells at Dumbledore until Dumbledore is LITERALLY WEEPING. I don’t even want to tell you what he says because you all need to experience that moment of cleansing rightness in your lives,
x) despite all the batshit plot things, the play actually deals with all the characters’ traumas FAR BETTER than the series ever did. we get actual GINNY and TOM RIDDLE shit in this play guys! it gets talked about! how it affected Ginny gets talked about! Harry has nightmares! Harry vents his feelings! Draco tells Harry about how alone he felt and how that sent him to such a bad place! Draco, Ginny and Harry understand each other and bond over shared trauma! who the fuck expected this! not fucking me!
y) I was emotional as hell throughout because I’m nothing if not dramatic but there’s a bit towards the very end involving HAGRID, THE BEST DUDE, that legit made me sob my little heart out from the agony of two decades’ worth of accumulated feelings about this series,
z) so yeah. Harry has to watch his parents die because Albus is a rebellious little emo gobshite who got a crush on a live-action DeviantArt OC from 2005 called Delphi who has silvery-blue hair and is secretly Voldemort and Bellatrix’s lovechild, BUT WHO CARES, I FUCKING LOVE HARRY POTTER AND I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE READING THIS OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED CRACKFIC, 10/10, WOULD EXPERIENCE PURE JOY AGAIN!!!!!
What if James Potter didn't reach Snape on the night of the prank? What happens next?
He was taller than he’d been when he left last summer, and
his slim bare feet poked from the bottom of the bed, the hospital sheets barely
covering his supine form. His dark hair was
splayed across the starched white pillow, and his black eyelids fluttered in
his sleep. He mumbled on occasion - his
pale lips barely moving, his newly deepened voice murmuring softly, and his
hands grasping anxiously at his coverings.
She toyed with the frayed edges of her robes until his large
roughened hand covered her slender fingers.
“Stop that, love.”
“I can’t…” Despite
her best effort, her voice shook. “I
can’t, Toby.” She glanced at her
husband, his jaw still set in a grimace.
He looked formidable, but she knew Tobias Snape better than any other, and
his eyes betrayed his fear. Although his
frightful temper commanded respect in the backstreets of Cokeworth, Hogwarts
was a very different world.
Still, Tobias Snape was no coward. His arm tightened around his wife’s
shoulders. “He’ll be right, love.”
“Now, I think we both know-”
Eileen’s voice was like steel. “I want to hear you say it.”
Dumbledore faltered, his half smile almost slipping, but
then he composed himself. “My dear-”
“She’s my dear,
not yers,” Tobias said, rising from his seat to stand in front of his wife. “An’ I know yer can do all sorts with that
stick, an’ Lord knows, I know yer ain’t scairt of me. But if our lad deserves owt from all this, he
at least deserves that you say it. To
his mother.” He moved to Eileen’s side,
and glared at the older man, his eyes as dark as his son’s. “Say it.”
“…it was an unfortunate accident.”
“You did not know, perhaps?”
Eileen stared levelly at her old Transfiguration teacher. “No.
Of course you knew. And the rest
of the staff, they knew as well, I assume?”
“The boy deserves an education.”
The fury built inside her.
“At the expense of my son’s life?
Didn’t you have a responsibility for his education as well? For his wellbeing?”
Dumbledore polished his glasses. “It was an accident.”
Tobias balled his fists and shoved them deep into his
pockets. “If it were an accident, then
how can yer promise it ain’t gonna ‘appen to anyone else’s lad, eh? Yer ain’t gonna ‘ave any other parents in ‘ere,
apologisin’ to ‘em? Not that yer’ve
apologised ter us yet, might I add.”
“It is unfortunate, but ultimately, Severus shouldn’t have
“I’m not listening to this,” Eileen said, standing, and
looping her arm through Tobias’. “I am
not listening to you blame my son for you inviting a dangerous werewolf to live
at this school.”
Dumbledore moved swiftly in front of the pair, blocking the
exit from his study. “I must assure you,
had my precautions been adhered to and acted upon, there would’ve been no harm-”
“Tell me this,” Eileen hissed. “How did my boy know where to look?”
“I believe…” Dumbledore
took a deep breath. “I believe the boy
confided in one of his housemates. The
folly of youth. And I believe one of the
other housemates led your son into danger.”
“Sirius Black.” Her
accusation was swift.
Dumbledore twitched. “And
tell me, Madam Snape, what makes you suggest Master Black?”
“I know you think that we’re…” She halted, gripping Tobias’ arm more
tightly. “Because we live amongst the
Muggles, because Tobias here is a Mugg-”
“I do not hold such prejudices.”
“Our lad talks,” Tobias said, softly. “Not often.
Not much. But he mentions ‘em. And that’s enough for us to know, yer see. Coz if yer dunner mention much, an’ when yer
do, all yer say is Sirius Black this an’ James Potter that, then yer know.” His voice grew in volume. “So if his mam knows, an’ I know, then you
lot ‘ere must know an’ all.”
Things to Never Say to a Gay Person with a Long-Time Crush on a Straight Person
1. “(S)he’s not even attractive!”
Okay, for one, that is YOUR opinion. Maybe we have different views on what we thing is attractive. Maybe we like them for other reasons besides how they look??
2. “I know how you feel, I have a crush on a celebrity!”
Thanks for trying but having a crush on a celebrity is an entirely different ball park. Do you have to pass said celebrity in the hallway everyday? Do you have chances to say thing to said celebrity every day? No. The answer is no.
4. “Try not to think about them! Find a different crush!”
You have the power to choose your crush? Tell me. Tell me how to do that.
5. “Just say something to them”
Look if you were said crush, I don’t think you want a person of your gender telling them you love them out of the blue. It takes time. Or someone else to do it for you XD
6. “They have a girl/boyfriend!”
I KNOW THEY DO STOP REMINDING ME
Ah, Alfie!!! Right, so maybe one where the reader meets Tommy and they don’t get along in the slightest. Tommy makes digs about Alfie so the reader says stuff about grace but Alfie finds the situation funny. Thank you x
ALFIE REQUEST HERE!! Can you do one where The shelbys are super bloody surprised to find out that ALFIE actually has a wife? And they found out cause she had to have a meetjngn with them because Alfie was doing business elsewhere and sent his wife cause he trusts her most to be his eyes ears and voice when it comes to business?