be my guest and have some

anonymous asked:

Top five most dramatic vampires?

From Pretty Dramatic But Ultimately Okay to Most Dramatic, Wow here goes: 

5. Garrett: He’ll make speeches! He’s the Needlessly Political Uncle we all have to endure at family holidays! But he’s okay and I like him.

4. Vladimir and Stefan: Look. They bring up eyeball-gouging within earshot of children. They practiced human sacrifice. They’re A Lot. 

3. Carlisle: We’ve all befriend some weirdos, realized they’re terrible, and politely back-pedalled out of there. However, unlike Carlisle, we don’t hang up portraits of ourselves and those weirdos, dressed in skimpy outfits and impersonating Greek gods, where guests can see. 

2. Maria and Victoria: “Well, my boyfriend– who might not even have liked me that much– is dead. Time to make an army and turn the surrounding area into a scorched hellscape” kinda speaks for itself, in terms of drama. 

1. Edward: He tried to sparkle himself to death. He Did That. 

         [ I’m here! I’m still entertaining a house guest, but I set him up with my ps4 and some skittles so I should have some downtime for replies. ]

TalesFromTheFrontDesk: In which the author is a guest

Im traveling across country this weekend with my hubs and steps. We’re meeting his father and step mom (some of us for the first time) and we’re in hotels for 5 nights. (Gotta love employee discounts!) Is it just me? I seem to find it really hard to be the lovable guest. I don’t seem to have a problem being welcoming when I’m behind the desk but I try to create that same relationship with the agents I’m meeting and it’s just dead blank faces and monotone practiced phrases.

I have this customer service face (I’m sure I’m in great company in this sub) that I put on when it’s my own hotel but I can’t seem to make that translate in my interactions in every day situations when I’m the customer.

Also, I’m an employee so I get the worst room at each place I’m at. Right next to the breakfast room or laundry room. I’m not gonna complain. $25 rates are really nice. Just wish I could figure out how to be a good guest.

By: BillieJackson

Knowing my fat ass if I were Belle I would have tried a hell of a lot harder to eat all those foods during Be Our Guest

I mean look at this shit 

Bitch just grabbed a cherry 

“Try the grey stuff it’s delicious” Bitch please pass me the fork 

This scene is visually stunning, but my drunk ass would have climbed the table for some champagne  

Don’t even get me started with the live action version I MEAN LOOK AT THIS

Originally posted by olicity-i-believe-in-you

In summary I would basically look like this throughout the song 

Top 13 Most Unfuckable Men in Dragon Age (according to me, a lesbian)

Honorable Mention: Oghren

I am not including Oghren on the official list for a couple reasons. Firstly, jokes about how gross Oghren is are basically everywhere. I can’t make a remotely original joke on this subject because they have all already been made. Secondly, I don’t want to subject anybody to actually thinking about fucking Oghren. And third, it’s no fun punching down. Nobody likes Oghren except me. And I get it. Oghren is a pretty cool character who was grossly mishandled by writers who think sexual assault, alcoholism and homophobia are hilarious jokes and not serious issues. Sorry about all this, Oghren. Enjoy your free pass from being mocked by a lesbian on the internet.

13. Zevran Arainai

Zevran is the least unfuckable man in Dragon Age because he wouldn’t make it weird. He’d give you a nice lay, do a good job, and then high-5 you afterwards. He’s nice-looking and experienced and would overall be an almost not-unpleasant experience. If there was a gun to my head and someone forcing me to pick a Dragon Age man to fuck, it would be Zevran.

12. RDP Sten

I say Realistic DAO Project Sten and not regular Sten because frankly RDP Sten is the true Sten. Honestly, look at this man. Assuming you didn’t die during intercourse, he’d make you breakfast the next morning, then reshackle your roof and do your taxes. RDP Sten would take care of you. RDP Sten would treat you right.

11. Justice

…as long as he gave Anders’ body a bath first, because wow he sure is a guy who lives in a sewer. Justice is a friendly Fade spirit curious about the mortal world and its many wonders. Fucking Justice would be a nice opportunity to show an otherworldly being a good time. Not to mention the novelty. Think of the puns you could make afterwards. “It was a spiritual experience.” “It was truly righteous.” “Justice isn’t easy–no, Justice is hard.”

10. Varric Tethras

Varric would be the ideal sugar daddy. He’d indulge you, buy you nice things, tell you stories, and when it’s time to go to bed, you’d just have to put up with him bringing his crossbow with him. Honestly, he probably wouldn’t even get to the sex. You’d have half your clothes off and then he’d start telling a story and three hours later he’s cried a little about his ex and fallen asleep cuddled up to his crossbow. Meanwhile, you are free to go back to your house with your money and jewelry. Ideal.

9. Alistair

Alistair is inexperienced, but a nice boy. You could show him a good time, and then pat him on the head and give him a cookie afterwards. He’s funny and nice and if you aren’t his first lay, it’ll probably be Morrigan and she would probably turn into a spider halfway through just to fuck with him. I’m willing to fuck him just to spare him that being his first time. Alistair might make it weird and try to give you a flower or something, but he’s young and easily dissuaded. Fucking Alistair would be acceptable and satisfying in some ways.

8. Iron Bull

He ugly, but otoh, monster dong, if you’re into that. Iron Bull wouldn’t make it weird emotionally, but he would definitely make it weird sexually. Assuming you survived, you would have a hell of a story. I would bring that up at every cocktail party I went to for the rest of my life. “I fucked a minotaur man,” I’d say, sipping my martini. “He had an eyepatch, and a dong the size of your forearm. I’m lucky to have survived.” The party guests gasp and fan themselves at the scandal.

7. Nathaniel Howe

I have no feelings either way about fucking Nathaniel Howe. I would show up, do the deed, and leave. Maybe give him a thumbs up, to be polite. My entire soul doesn’t rebel against the concept, but neither can I think of any benefits to fucking Nathaniel Howe.

6. Sebastian Vael

I wouldn’t hate to fuck Sebastian, and he seems nice, I guess. He’d be on par with Nate, except for the fact that he’s a devout fantasy Catholic. I’m morally opposed to fucking Catholics, because I don’t like Catholicism, and because I don’t want to deal with their ensuing guilt. I would tolerate fucking Sebastian.

5. Fenris

Fenris is objectively one of the best-looking men in Dragon Age, but oh lord, the canon romance path is so much. I’d do it just so I could touch his pretty hair, but I’d feel real bad about it. I like fenris. I don’t wanna cause him troubles. On the other hand, Isabela seems to manage it without much emotional fallout, so perhaps it would be alright. Fucking Fenris might be perfectly fine, but it might end terribly for all involved. As a lesbian I’m not gonna risk it.

4. Anders

Anders is a nasty sewer man who has no particularly attractive physical features to make up for it. He’d probably be an alright lay, but if you fucked him he’d definitely fall in love with you. Possibly he’d have already been in love with you for like three years. Then post-fuck he’d say a lot of weird stuff and ask to move into your house, and you’d be so worried about his eating habits and his stress that you’d be like “sure :)”, and then you’d have to change your name and flee the city to escape. Don’t fuck Anders.

3. Blackwall

I previously had Blackwall a spot higher, but then when I went to google a picture of him I realized he actually looks okay. Lumberjack aesth. Nice beard. Probably nice chest hair. Good muscles. But he’s also kind of a stinky old man who is kind of like your dad, and he would make his weird guilt issues your problem. I’d rather not, although I grant that if he was a couple decades younger he might be Acceptable.

2. Cullen

I would really hate to fuck Cullen. I find him morally repugnant, physically unimpressive, and overall vile. Not to mention that he seems like the kind of sexually inexperienced dude to just try inserting Tab A into Slot B with no foreplay–but then, would you really want foreplay from this guy? At least it would all be over within 5 minutes and then you could make your escape through the window.

1. Solas

Solas is the absolute most unfuckable man in Dragon Age. Not only is he bald, and a genocidal maniac, but he would also get weirdly hung up on you. Then he’d like, haunt your dreams. “Vhenaaaaaaan,” you hear every night forever, to your horror. “You’re not like other girls,” he says, before showing you a picture of his fursona, which is a wolf. I would rather do literally anything else but fuck Solas. I thank G-d every day that Solas is not real, and that I am in no danger of ever fucking him. Solas is the least fuckable man in Dragon Age.

Favorite highlights of live action Beauty and the Beast

• They stuck to the beginning of the original story where Belle asks for a rose and her father gets lost and finds a fire and food in the castle.

• “Mama said not to move because it might be scary. Sorry.”

• Belle called the castle home.

• LEFOU! Everything about him was great. He got character development, he had some fantastic lines, his low key flirting with Gaston, his singing!!! I love my boy.

• Lumiere dabbed. Twice.

• It was beautiful. Oh my god the castle made me absolutely melt and Be Our Guest was breathtaking in live action.

• Lefou booping Gaston on the nose.

• How during the song Adam sings he’s climbing higher and higher so he can still see Belle.

• When Adam found out Belle liked Romeo and Juliet he was like “ew no not that book here have my entire library so you can read something better that that filth”.

• I really like how Gaston in the beginning wasn’t that bad, but as the movie went on he got darker and darker.

• Gaston lifTING LEFOU UP ON ONE ARM

• We finally got an explanation as to why no one remembers the castle and the prince and why the servants were cursed too.

• The guy who can’t remember what he lost in the beginning is Mr. Potts and the minute Mrs. Potts called his name I was shaking my friend next to me because oh my god he “lost” his wife and child.

• ADAM. I’ve loved Adam since forever and he’s still so great in this version AND HIS SONG ABOUT BELLE WAS SO SPECTACULAR I COULD FEEL HIS EMOTIONS.

• Cogsworth & Lumiere are still an old married couple and I love it I love them.

• I know he only had a few lines in Be Our Guest, but Cogsworth’s singing voice was amazing

• Adam’s eye makeup in the beginning that made it look like he was wearing a mask if he stood in the light just so.

• I HAVE BEEN GUSHING ABOUT THE NEW LUMIERE DISIGN SINCE THE FIRST TRAILER CAME OUT AND TO FINALLY, FINALLY SEE IT ON THE BIG SCREEN WAS SO SATISFYING THE LITTLE DETAILS HE HAS LIKE HIS PONYTAIL AND THE FACT THAT HIS COAT MOVES WHEN HE DOES WERE SOOOO GOOD I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A THOUSAND TIMES BUT I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THIS NEW LUMIERE.

• Lefou has a bite mark from Gaston on his lower stomach and when my friend and I saw it we practically screamed because how exactly do you get a bite mark in that spot if you’re not doing some kinky bedroom stuff.

• The line “there’s a beast on the loose there’s no question, but I fear the wrong monsters released” had me so shook put that on my gravestone I fucking love it.

• It’s sweet and cute and beautiful, but when it gets dark it gets DARK, like, goddamn.

• I loved the detail of whenever a petal falls the castle crumbles further and the servants become more like the objects they are.

• Adam’s beast growl at the end when he’s a human again that, tbh, was really hot.

• The guy who, instead of freaking out when he was put in a dress and makeup, grinned and walked away with his hips swishing and totally owned it.

• That same guy and Lefou dancing together ohhh my god I think I started crying they’re so fucking cute Lefou and his cross dressing boyfriend 5ever.

Every OJST Comic
  • Erika Moen, buried neck deep in the ground: Hey, guys. Today we have a special guest comic from the guy who lives in the sewage pipe behind my house. Hopefully this one doesn't get too FILTHY for you.
  • Some Guy: Gee, it sure is boring around here.
  • Dirt Monger: *poofs out of nowhere*
  • Some Guy: Who are you!!!????
  • Dirt Monger: I'm the dirt monger and I love eating dirt for sexual pleasure.
  • Some Guy: You mean shoveling tons of dirt into your mouth!!!!!?????????????????
  • Dirt Monger: Yes, it's a completely valid normal way of exploring your kinky identity.
  • Some Guy: But, isn't eating dirt SUPER UNHEALTHY.
  • Dirt Monger: Not at all if you follow SAFE DIRT PROTOCOLS. Always make sure to wear dental dam while consuming dirt sexually and to never actually swallow dirt because you don't want that shit in your stomach. Set up code phrases with your partner like "More Dirt" and "Not Enough Dirt" if you don't think you're getting your fair share of dirt shoveled directly into your stupid fucking face.
  • Some Guy: Wow, I'm so turned on right now.
  • Dirt Monger: That's the spirit. Consuming dirt like a human backhoe is a great way to bond with your partner and discover more about yourself as well.
  • Some Guy: I can't wait to eat dirt like the disgusting troglodyte that I am. Actually, can we mud too?
  • Dirt Monger: No, you dumbass! Dirt and mud are completely unrelated things! I'm the dirt monger, not the mud monger! Do you think I'm stupid?
  • Some Guy: Jeez, sorry I asked.
  • Dirt Monger: Hahaha! One more thing, eating dirt has a direct connection to several radical far-right subcultures. Googling dirt eating may take you down a dark path. I just want everyone to know that they do not represent the whole of the dirt eating community. You can practice the sexual consumption of dirt without turning into a nazi. We completely and entirely disavow fascist dirt eaters. THANKS FOR READING.
Day One Hundred and Eighteen

-An infant came through, shrieking until no end unless their one simple demand was met: a bag of marshmallows in which to bury their face. I feel a great deal of understanding for this child, and I will undoubtedly make use of this coping strategy in the future.

-Multiple dogs have come through the store today,each brightening my day enough to more than make up for the stormy skies. A guest could purchase a stuffed Minion and slap me in the face with it and I still would not mind. All that matters now is the puppers.

-A mother turned her back to her four year-old daughter for a split second, who, with an immediacy that left no doubt of premeditation, ran to an empty register and began shining the hand scanner into her eyes. My crew has been in need of a classic wild card for some time now, and I believe I may have found a perfect fit.

-I passed a woman wearing a shirt that read, “I Love Jesus A Little.” I appreciate the honesty here. After all, JC has always struck me as the kind of guy who values being real over telling him what he wants to hear.

-An eerie spell has fallen over the shopping center. Despite the vibrant landscapes outside being perfectly lit in the most picturesque way, the sky is covered in a deep black, nearly purple covering of clouds. The store is constantly fluctuating from full and crowded to nary a shopper to be seen, yet at no point is anything more or less than a muffled buzz heard. Every thirty minutes I look at a clock, only to see that only five have gone by. I know not what is causing this metamorphosis from storefront to purgatory. I can only hope that it passes soon, or, if it does not, that I am compensated properly.

-A toddler systematically discarded items as she was pushed through the store, tossing them by the wayside as they went. She knew precisely what the most valuable item in that cart was, and she would not stand for competition.

-A family came through my lane. The father placed a stuffed stormtrooper on the counter and, gesturing to his son, said, “This is his buddy.” Next, he put up several bags of mini chocolate eggs, remarking, “And these are going to be my buddies.” Finally, he told me of his wife, “And this, this is her buddy,” before placing a therapeutic massager on my counter. No living soul will ever know the truth of who was the most uncomfortable in this situation, but I will contest to my dying day that it was me.

-A man hurriedly approached my register and, in a deep and commanding voice, addressed me, “How you doing, chief?” Caught off-guard by my new promotion, I quickly scanned his purchase of girls underwear and leggings. He finished paying and told me, “Don’t bother bagging it, we’ve had an incident,” and, items stowed under his arm, hurried back off towards the sales floor. I sent with him my best wishes and a sticker for our fallen soldier.

30.4.17 || 6/100 days of productivity 

Today I have FINALLY finished my criminology essay plan, and I’m currently getting some work done on my digital media lectures. ✌🏻

To say this month has been chaotic would be an incredible understatement. I honestly feel like the universe has been testing me, but here I am. I SURVIVED! Farewell April, thanks for.. helping me grow I guess? I’m optimistic about May, and whatever it may bring. It can’t get any worse… right? 

🎶 Dear To Me - Electric Guest

i--probably--hate--you  asked:

I would also like to point out that not all AZA accredited zoos are good and live up to the AZA standards. The Memphis, TN zoo is one of them. They're very lacking in terms of space for their animals. The cats are often in small enclosures and pace around so much that the ground has ruts in it from their pacing. I know that repetitive behavior isn't always a bad thing, but to the point of having ruts in the ground? The elephants also look malnourished. They have very saggy skin.

So, yesterday we were talking about how as a guest it’s really hard to make judgement calls about the animals in a zoo because you don’t know anything about their history or how they’re being cared for, and that that’s why it’s really important to ask staff when you’ve got concerns? This ask is a pretty good example of that. 

I reached out to some Memphis staffers after receiving this ask, and was totally honest about why: I said we’d been discussing zoos on my blog and that someone had written in with a couple of specific concerns. Within a day or two, I’d been put in contact with the correct keepers to get answers to my questions.  

What you’re likely seeing as abnormal pacing in the big cats is anticipatory behavior, since that’s a very common thing their animals do when they can see or hear keepers near their exhibit. Trails do wear down naturally in exhibits if animals have preferred walking paths, more so in wet periods such as spring, and in older exhibits the routes most commonly taken by residents are fairly well developed. Since you didn’t specify what species of big cat you were referring to, I wasn’t able to get more specific information, except that there is one big cat who does display some abnormal pacing behavior due to some of her history and that the staff are aware of it and actively working on it. 

I couldn’t find any good photos of their cat exhibits to embed in this post as an example, but what I did see when searching google for images is that almost all of the photos of their cats are taken on perches in the exhibit, such as logs or rock outcroppings. It’s important to remember that for large cats, vertical space is just as important a factor as horizontal space - an exhibit that seems too small in square-footage may in fact have a large amount of usable space comprised of climbing structures, hammocks, and hidden perches. 

As to the elephants, they have saggy skin because they’re, well, elephants - and in one case, one of the oldest elephants in North America. AZA also recently did a large elephant welfare survey that’s being used to improve their elephant care standards, and according to the scale for that study the elephant at Memphis are in good body condition for their age and size. What’s more, they’re in phenomenal health: the Memphis Zoo staffers have been running a metabolic study on the three elephant ladies at their facility, so they’ve got the data to back up that claim. 

I would hazard a guess that if you’d taken the time to ask any Memphis staffers while on grounds, or to reach out to their social media team with questions after leaving, you’d have gotten the same information that I did. I know people really want to think they can make informed judgement calls about the welfare of animals in zoos, but unless you happen to have personal animal management experience with that specific species, it’s probable that you’re going to be completely off-base. Especially at AZA zoos, assume there’s information you don’t have and something you’re probably seeing, and ask a keeper for clarification. 

Cookies (M)

Originally posted by wonhontology

Wonho x Reader

Warnings: SMUT. Face riding, slight spanking, dirty talk,

Word Count: 3,035

Summary:  You’re new in the neighbourhood, and decide to be a good person and go introduce yourself to your neighbours. Turns out that was a bad idea.

A/N: This is my fic. I’m re-posting onto my sideblog.


Being the new girl was tough. It was tough in high school, it was tough at a new job, and it’s still tough on moving day. You had just moved downtown into a cute apartment on the 10th floor of a pretty nice building. You loved being so close to everything, and the view you had made the hassle of moving up here worth it. You were still unfamiliar with your neighbours and neighbourhood, having only moved in a week ago. You took the opportunity a rare day off gave you to walk around and explore, as well as introduce yourself (finally). Baking wasn’t your strongest skill, but you tried, and made some cookies to take to your neighbours. You were glad you had taken this chance to introduce yourself, as everyone you met seemed friendly and kind.

Until you met 10A.

10A was the guy that resided in the apartment next to yours; he was relatively quiet, so you didn’t know what to expect. You knocked on the door and waited for the owner to open it, and when he did, you regretted doing this ‘introducing-yourself-to-your-neighbours-to-be-nice’ bullshit in the first place.

He was beautiful, and he was in nothing but a towel. His milky white skin still glistening with water even in the harsh lighting of the hallway, his damp bleach blond hair that begged to be touched, wide brown eyes that made him look both cute and sexy, and plump, pouty pink lips that made you want to bite them until they bruised, his toned chest and stomach that made you want a peek under that towel, he was too much at once and you were quickly becoming a flustered mess. Your eyes travelled back up only to see him staring back at you, eyebrow raised, head cocked to the side, and a smirk plastered on his face.

“You gonna tell me what you’re here for or are you gonna just keep staring, baby?” he smirked. You rolled your eyes, your earlier lust filled thoughts were shattered by the conceited remark.

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10 Podcasts I Love Described In One Sentance

1. My Favorite Murder - Two hilarious women talk about murder, among (a lot of) other things. (Non-Fiction, weekly ongoing)
2. The Strange Case Of The Starship Isis - What if Firefly, but everyone was queer? (Fiction, ongoing?)
3. Can I Pet Your Dog - A Dog Haver and A Dog Wanter talk about dogs, often to really cool people. (Non-Fiction, Weekly ongoing)
4. The Bright Sessions - Therapy for people with superpowers; what could go wrong? (Fiction, currently in the second season)
5. The Dollop - A dude who did research tells a dude who didn’t about history. (Non-Fiction, weekly)
6. Limetown - The best/creepiest/most amazing podcast about an entire town that disappeared. (Fiction, only 1 season, likely dead, but so well done it is worth a listen)
7. My Brother, My Brother, And Me - Good, good, goof boys give bad, bad, hilarious advice (Non-Fiction, weekly ongoing)(be warned the early stuff can be problematic, but honestly who wasn’t shittier 7 years ago?)
8. Welcome To Night Vale/Alice Isn’t Dead - Beautiful Gay Protagonist talks about the creepy shit that happens to them. (Fiction, WTNV weekly ongoing, AID in its second season)
9. How Did This Get Made - The best Bad Movie Podcast with amazing guests and Jason Mantzoukas who I’m not sure if I love or hate. (Non-Fiction, bi-weekly with minis in between) (It’s love)
10. The Adventure Zone - The most talented DM I have ever heard wrangles three family members while creating some of my fave gay characters. (Fiction-ish, bi-weekly)

BATB Songs In One Sentence
  • Aria: Yo look at this awesome party that the prince is throwing.
  • Belle: Belle's so pretty, what a shame that she reads.
  • HDAMLF (Music Box): Have some really vague exposition.
  • Belle (Reprise): Gaston sucks, this town sucks, I just want an adventure, is that too much to ask.
  • Gaston: "Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?" LeFou can.
  • Be Our Guest: AH SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF THATS NOT THE BEAST EVERYONE BE EXTRA AF.
  • Days In The Sun: Hope conquers all, except when it doesn't.
  • Something There: Chip's too young to know about love.
  • HDAMLF (Montmartre): No Beast, Belle's not trying to be a tourist.
  • Beauty and The Beast: Mrs. Potts ships them.
  • Evermore: THE LOVE OF MY LIFE JUST LEFT ME TIME TO SHOW HOW DRAMATIC I AM.
  • The Mob Song: When Gaston's jealous, he creates a giant angry mob.
  • Beauty and The Beast (Finale): Everyone ships them.
2

Listen if you’re having a sad day treat yourself to some Pirce Is Right the excitement, and pure joy the contestants have on that show is infectious. Also, that game show is pure America soooo I had to draw some Public AU where America guest stars as one of the showroom guys and loves picking up and spinning the contestants around when they win. 

SKAM - 4.01 - SLAVE

[Inaudible chatter]

Hello?

Yousef said so, man!

GUY1: He has tried ten times and he still can’t do it! Shhh! Wait, let me listen.

YOUSEF: I can’t hear! Relax, guys.

ELIAS: What did I say?

SANA: What’s up?

MIKAEL: Hey, let’s make Sana try.

GUY2: She’ll make it, she’ll make it, bro. She’s actually good at basket. She can actually throw, unlike some other people here.

ELIAS: She learned from me, though.

SANA: What are you talking about learned from you? Even mom is better than you.

ELIAS: I’ll be your slave for a whole week if you make it.

THE GUYS: Dude, don’t.. don’t do it.

ELIAS: I’m confident, man. I’m sure.

SANA: Drive me around wherever I want? Clean my room?

ELIAS: Whatever you want, the works.

SANA: Swear it.

ELIAS: Wallah. And these guys here are witnesses.

THE GUYS: Noooo..

ELIAS: It’ll be okay, bro. Chill out. I’ll fix it.

SANA: What do I have to do?

GUY2: You have to throw this into the lamp exactly when Snoop Dogg says «Smoke weed every day»

SANA: Just that?

ELIAS: But you have to be my slave for a whole week if you miss.

SANA: That was not a part of the deal.

ELIAS: Because you said «just that». What? Are you scared of failing? You’re so confident, come on.

SANA: Give me the ball.

THE GUYS: You’re gonna regret this.

ELIAS: I’ll fix it, I’ll fix it.

GUY2: I’m looking forward to see Elias crying.

Ahhhh, too early.

ELIAS: Now, can you please make some tea for us?

SANA: I’m not all all your friends’ slave.

ELIAS: But they’re my guests.

ELIAS: Thank you, slave woman! That came out wrong, sorry. Chill. That was wrong of me.

THE GUYS: That’s your sister!

ELIAS: Stop meddling! Relax!

Wait, what?

(based on this) (look, there’s a part two)


Yuuri barely has time to grab his jacket when he runs out the door, much less brush his hair or find a hat. Unfortunately, he’s sure that that means that his hair is an absolute mess. It’s been getting long again, but in between classes and helping Yura out with his routine on the weekends, he hasn’t had much time for things like haircuts. Besides, Victor doesn’t seem to mind it, and Yura likes to experiment hairstyles on Yuuri “so that if it looks stupid, I don’t have to see it on myself.”

It’s not that big a deal, except on days like this, when he sleeps in (thanks a lot Vitya) and doesn’t have the time to really get it under control. He usually meets up with his friends before class, and he doesn’t doubt that they’ll notice, and probably tease him about it.

They notice.

“Yuuri!” Estephania gasps, sounding too scandalized for her words to be anything but teasing. “What on earth happened to your hair?”

Yuuri flushes. “I was running late,” he mumbles.

Richard snorts. “You sure? Because that looks more like sex hair to me, man.”

“Ooh, he’s right,” Estephania coos before Yuuri can protest.

He wonders if it’s possible to die of embarrassment (especially since they’re not entirely wrong). “No, really I–”

“We know, sweetie.” She reaches up and moves his hair around a bit, trying to make it look presentable. “You’re just too easy to tease.”

“You sure you’re really twenty seven?” Richard raises an eyebrow.

Yuuri just smiles at the ground in fond humiliation (apparently it’s not a common emotion, but it’s a little hard not to be used to the feeling when he’s married to the world’s biggest drama queen) and nods. “I am.”

His friends are too much sometimes, he admits. Richard is the embodiment of America in a lot of ways: loud, completely lacking a sense of social norms, a walking personification of testosterone. Estephania is less… everything… than Richard, but she’s very touchy and affectionate in an entirely platonic way that reminds Yuuri a lot of Christophe, only without all of the innuendo. But they’re both loyal down to their very core, and they’re not bad people.

His phone starts ringing, Stammi Vicino playing loudly. Yuuri picks up, keeping his phone away from Estephania’s hands. “Да, Vitya?”

“Dude! You speak Russian too?” Richard looks like Yuuri just smacked him in the face. The school year just started, so they’re all still learning about each other.

Yuuri just smiles, since Victor is in the middle of one of his usual mid-morning crises. “Vitya, calm down,” he says in Russian. “Makkachin is probably out with Yura. You know he takes her for walks sometimes. Have you seen him today?”

He manages to get Victor off the phone just before class starts, flipping his phone to airplane mode since he’s sure that this isn’t the last he’ll be hearing from his lovable trainwreck of a husband.



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Lines that should definitely have been in the new BATB movie:

Belle: I don’t know your real name.

Beast: Adam. My name is Adam.

Belle: Nice to meet you, Adam. 

Gif made by @batbedits

P.S. I wish it would be in the movie 😍  Nevertheless, I think the movie is aaaaabsolutely precious, the actors are great, the songs are amazing, and I replay some scenes in my head over and over again 🌹

foreign films 2.0

hi all! follow-up on THIS post.

this is another very long post giving you film and series suggestions in foreign languages - i have included my three target languages and french just to spice things up a bit. 

if you’ve seen any of these or want to expand on the post please fell free to do so!! this list is obviously very subjective and contains things that i have seen and enjoyed, so i would love to see a greater variety of genres/directors featured on here.

SPANISH

wakolda - this is straight up one of my favourite films ever. 1950s argentina. a family accomodates a guest at their hotel, unaware that their guest is nazi monster josef mengele. 

tiempo sin aire - colombian mum and son escape the horrors of civil war and move to the canary islands, but the mother will not rest until she has found her daughter’s rapist. contains some graphic scenes, not for the faint of heart.

la regenta - adaptation of 19th century classic, both film and miniseries (3 x 1.5 hrs) available on youtube. the film is mediocre but the miniseries stole my heart. pious wife anita torn between sexy local liberal and dark imposing priest. features an absolutely superb carmelo gomez as the cunning don fermin.

el crimen del padre amaro - another c19 classic, this time in a modern latin american setting where hot priest gael garcia b. can no longer fight his feelings for a certain young lady…

ocho apellidos vascos - SOOOOOOOO FUCKING FUNNY!!!!! 

la piel que habito - almodóvar, banderas, weird, cringy, intriguing,  “a horror story without screams or frights” [wiki]

la nana - “Raquel, la amargada e introvertida nana (eufemismo chileno para denominar a las sirvientas) de la casa de los Valdés … ve peligrar su puesto cuando éstos contratan a una nueva empleada para que le ayude durante su convalecencia. Raquel se dedica a hacerle la vida imposible a las nuevas nanas. Esta mecánica se repite una y otra vez hasta la aparición de Lucy, una mujer de provincia que logrará penetrar la coraza de Raquel.” [wiki]

el secreto de sus ojos - “Using a nonlinear narrative, the film depicts a judiciary employee and a judge in 1974 … as they investigate a rape and murder case that turns into an obsession for all the people involved, while also following the characters 25 years later reminiscing over the case and unearthing the buried romance between them.”[wiki] RECOMMENDED

vacas - portrays the conflict between two basque families that lasts three generations, starting in 1875.

la princesa de francia - looks ery promising, centred around a group of actors preparing shakespeare’s “love’s labour’s lost”, in buenos aires. read review here 

PORTUGUESE

ligações perigosas [BR] - recently released tv globo miniseries, NOT A NOVELA, available on yt. adaptation of laclos’ les liaisons dangereuses. set in 1920s brazil. love, sex, intrigue, DRAMA, 1920s music. great acting by selton mello and alice wegmann. i cried watching this. i love selton mello

justiça [BR] - also a globo miniseries, follows various characters in recife as each of them searches for their own private justice. RECOMMENDED

amores roubados [BR] - yet another miniseries, based on the book “a emparedada da rua nova”. leandro returns to his hometown from SP and becomes involved with three women.

3% [BR] - a dystopian thriller series, apparently available on netflix. “ The show is set in a future wherein people are given a chance to go to the “better side” of a world divided between progress and affluence in the Offshore, and devastation and poverty in the Inland, but only 3% of the candidates succeed.”[wiki] RECOMMENDED

pecado fatal [EU] - angst, drama, shy sweet love but also bitten family secrets. “a young man and woman fall in love on the night they meet, but he takes advantage of her when she gets drunk. although she doesn’t remember anything from that night, something nags at the back of her mind.” not the most accurate description - just watch it its good

o convento [EU] - a literature professor goes to a portuguese convent to confirm a conspiracy theory about shakespeare. this film is actually in english and french as well as portuguese, but i’ve included it here because it was directed by the great manoel de oliveira. stars john malkovich and catherine deneuve.

o dia de desespero [EU] - another one by oliveira, portuguese entry for 1992 oscars. the film shows the final days of the life of famed c19 writer camilo castelo branco, his blindness and eventual suicide. probably available on youtube. 

ITALIAN 

malena - a classic, story of how a beautiful young woman is ridiculed by her prejudiced community told through the eyes of a young boy lusting over her. very tastefully done and visually very pretty. plus it has monica belucci

la prima notte di quiete - 1972. scruffy alain delon is bitter and elopes with a mysterious student of his who keeps some dark secrets. very beautiful visually, lovely music, unexpected ending. watch this if you want to be sad and vague

lºeredità ferramonti - set in 1880s rome, cunning young woman weds into a split family and wreaks havoc. dominique sanda is brilliant in this. also very nice music by morricone.

FRENCH

des hommes et des dieux - algeria. eight monks live a secluded life in the mountains. when war breaks out, they are forced to make a choice between their faith and their lives. “a luminous tale of faith and heroism”, and also very prettily made. 

venus noire - based on the true story of saartije bartman, a black woman showcased in 19th century europe because of her body. explores prejudice, otherness, fetishisation, directed by tunesian abdellatif kechiche. RECOMMENDED.

la dame aux camélias (1981) - isabelle huppert stars as the destitute and illiterate alphonsine who travels to paris and becomes a courtesan. based on alexandre dumas’ novel, of the same title.