i’m going to tell you a story, so bear with me, all right?
this time seven years ago, i was two and a half weeks out from an accident that warped my mind and took away one of the most significant things in my life. this time seven years ago, i was miserable, nearly friendless, with what i thought i was only one good thing in my life that i was going to lose shortly after.
this time six years ago, i was a freshman in high school. this time six years ago, i was two and a half weeks out from the one-year anniversary of categorically the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. this time six years ago, i was scared and defensive and losing my mind.
this time five years ago, i was both better and worse. this time five years ago, i thought i’d found real friends. this time five years ago, i was having panic attacks more and more regularly as i retreated into my own head and built walls to keep everybody out even as i was desperate to let someone in.
this time four years ago, i was sitting in a psychologist’s office because my fear of what was happening to me outweighed my fear of people knowing about it. this time four years ago, i was having panic attacks every night, staying awake until three or four in the morning and medicating my way through my junior year of high school with a combination of ibuprofen and a lot of caffeine. this time four years ago, i was at the lowest point of my life.
this time three years ago, i had just been accepted into college. this time three years ago, the panic attacks were fewer, but they were still happening with as much force as ever. this time three years ago, my history teacher would joke with me about how i never said anything remotely close to “good” whenever he asked me how i was doing because i existed in a state of utter cynicism.
this time two years ago, i got my heart broken. this time two years ago, i walked away from a boy who finally made me feel like i meant something because he wouldn’t make choices and i wasn’t going to wait for him anymore. this time two years ago, i sat on the floor of a shower in cincinnati after my cousin’s wedding reception and i cried because i missed him and it hurt but i had to make myself leave.
this time a year ago, i was introduced to someone by the barista that i’d befriended while avoiding the aforementioned boy. this time a year ago, she said “you’re both sarcastic assholes, you’ll love each other,” and then she walked away. this time a year ago, i would shut myself in my room in my apartment because i was having another panic attack and i needed to be alone, even though my roommate was fantastic.
this time a year ago, i’d finally begun to accept that i was probably never going to really be okay.
right now, that sarcastic asshole has become one of my best friends who can make me laugh no matter how upset i am, even though there’s an eight-and-a-half year age gap between us. right now, that barista is one of my favorite human beings on this earth. right now, that roommate has become all but my sister. right now, i have a group of people whom i love and trust and know care about me.
right now, i’m nearly done with a major in a field that i love even if it’s not the one i’m going into. right now, i’m on a high because i was just offered an internship at my first-choice firm for my second major and the partner called me personally to let me know. right now, i’m facing a summer of real employment which could lead to a job offer for after i graduate. right now, i can’t remember the last time that i had a serious panic attack about the events of my past.
right now, i laugh more than i cry. right now, my brain is functioning at an even higher capacity than it was before the accident that damaged it. right now, i have more good memories than i do bad. right now, i’m no longer angry about what happened to me. right now, that boy i cried over and i are cool, even if we’re not friends. right now, i am happy and i am comfortable and i am content.
i used to think that i wasn’t going to have a future, and the only reason why i never gave up was because other people in my life wouldn’t let me. i used to think that i was never going to be better, that my accident would haunt me every day for the rest of my life, that i would never be what my history teacher told me i should strive for, that i would never be content.
i was wrong.
what happened to me left me with four letters. p, t, s, d. i didn’t know what that meant. i didn’t know how to live with it. i didn’t know how to live without it. i didn’t know how to accept it without letting it define me.
i lived through it anyway.
i lived through the pain and the terror and the anger and the disappointment, and it hurt and it was difficult and sometimes i really just wanted to give up, and i don’t mean end my life. i didn’t want to do that. i wanted to just stop existing, to curl up in a ball and be done and have everyone forget me because i didn’t want to cause my family pain but i also didn’t want to be present anymore.
i’m glad i didn’t stop existing. i’m glad that i got to meet all of these people, work for all of these things, drink a lot of tea and read a lot of books and listen to the hamilton soundtrack more than is probably healthy. i’m glad that i’ve gotten to go to bruce springsteen concerts and become a fan of all these television shows and memorized the entirety of the princess bride. i’m glad that i’ve had so many tomorrows, that i can come home from class and curl up with my cat and know that every day is a chance for something good to happen.
my grandfather always used to tell my mom that “it’ll all be better in the morning.”
he wasn’t wrong. it might not be tomorrow, it might not be next week, or next month, or next year, but one morning you are going to wake up and you may not be okay but you will be better and you will be content and that will be everything.
eu absorvo os trejeitos das tuas palavras mesmo escrito nos muros que as ações é que ficam - a princípio - porque todo dia tem alguém mastigando versos soltos no vento
que não voltam mais
e que impregnam na pele como uma virose perdida no oxigênio.
I look forward to meeting you whenever you walk into my life (or I walk into yours, hell only knows how love works) but there’s some things you should know about me.
I am not an easy person to love or even like so please be patient with me. I have weird quirks that some find annoying but hopefully you’ll put up with.
I’m a moody little shit who can be happy one moment and incredibly pissed off the next. Usually many times a day, so please be aware that when I’m pissed off it’s not at you. It’s more than likely a memory that’s cropped up of something I regret beyond belief and annoyed me, it’ll pass soon so just bare with me, or even better give me a reason to smile and live in the present again.
I may not say “I love you” very often but I’ll send you heart emojis throughout the day whenever I’m thinking of you, even if we’re but feet away and I miss you I’ll send you an emoji and hopefully it’ll make you smile.
I’ll send you good morning texts whenever I wake up, whether that be 1am or 1pm (I don’t care if it’s not morning anymore, I want it to be the first message I send) and I’ll send goodnight messages before you or I fall asleep.
I get strange cravings in the middle of the night. Garlic Butter, instant Mac & Cheese, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice-Cream; my fridge is stocked with these, and its more than likely if you’re awake at 1am you’ll find me eating a bowl of whatever I’m craving. I’ll always share whatever I’m eating with you if you want it, and I’ll probably be more awake at 1am than at any other time.
I’m secretive by nature. I don’t like using more words than necessary and it’s more often than not you have to listen to what I’m not saying than what I am saying to understand how I’m feeling. However I promise if you convince me to tell you my secrets, I’ll never hide anything from you.
I may not be the easiest guy to love, but you damn well believe that I’ll do my best to make the effort worth it.
fiquei exatos doze minutos olhando pro forro do telhado antes de perceber que eu estava triste demais e não queria dar foco à isso. antes de tentar ver um filme que meu amigo me indicou. o que realmente ajudou, obrigada. foi bem antes de eu ver um furo no meu lençol que parecia estar só expandindo. eu ignorei um pouquinho meu quase toc. legal legal. eu não ando conseguindo dormir, m. o que me sobra mais tempo pra devorar tua respiração. mas eu queria conseguir. sem ter alguma espécie de pareidolia bizarra. e isso é estranho. eu também dei uma pausa nos livros, de novo. talvez eu devesse parar de começar mais de um ao mesmo tempo. não é ruim, né? se eu disser que as tuas placas tectônicas ruindo algumas partes de mim não é a base de toda minha estrutura. e as minhas também não são a sua. não pode ser. e isso é ótimo. que meus dias cinzentos as vezes não tem nada a ver com uma das tuas telas pintadas em preto e branco. porque eu enxergo cores e suas tonalidades na tua parede, e sei que você enxerga as minhas, mesmo com as suas dores ou seus problemas em casa que te fazem querer sumir. e é lindo que a gente pense uma na outra quando fala de fugir de tudo por algum momento, ainda que seja só a gente deitadas no chão com as mãos entrelaças. é companheirismo acima dos egos.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have everything I need and I always have. Nothing traumatizing in my life ever. I’m only 19 and yet it already feels too old for me who doesn’t feel like I can handle life as I should.
I don’t know what’s stopping me, it can only be me. First there’s this introversion when I’m around strangers which makes it so so hard to make friends. But is it not also my lack of interest in people because I feel we’re too different ? They look like they got their shit together, like they’ve figured it out.
Then there’s the fact that I do nothing. I’m in holidays for a week, got a lot of work yet I’m home doing nothing at all, just watching tv shows and doing useless things so that I don’t think abt the fact I’m not working and wasting time, wasting life. And in life in general, I’m lucky I can still get pretty good grades in college by working at the last minute but it’s far from being the best I could do, and I’ve never worked my hardest in life and it’s a shame. I don’t know why I just can’t get motivated to do anything.
And over that there’s all the rest. All the things in life I wish I could change. I feel like in 19 years I haven’t experienced much at all. I don’t know what loving someone to the point where you just feel sad not being close to them feels like. I wish our family was one in which love was more obvious and I wish we were closer. I also until recently never felt like someone was attracted to or romantically interested in me and I’m pretty sure I was imagining things and anyway I couldn’t react to it because I didn’t know how.
Anyway right now I don’t think I’m in the right place to be dating anyone. I’m just not confident enough and doubting myself all the time for everything.
Anyway I’m pretty sure that if I were able to stop my brain from thinking I would stop feeling like that but that’s not likey to happen. So if I were to find another solution that’d be great.